A miserable habit--It grows as it is fed--A nuisance to friends and
neighbors--It brings to you more of the same kind--You will get what
you look for--Looking for trouble brings it--Don't imagine that you
are being "put upon"--Don't retail your woes.
Don't retail your woes. Do you think that it does you any good to go
around with a long face, telling your tale of woe to everyone whom you
can induce to listen to you? Do you think that it does you any good?
Do you think it helps you to overcome your troubles, or makes your
burden any lighter? No, I don't believe that you think any such
things. All your experience teaches you that people do not like to
listen to long-drawn-out tales of your troubles--they have enough of
their own. Even those who are always ready to lend a helping hand and
to give what aid they can to one who needs it resent being made
targets for a continuous fusillade of troubles, woes, griefs, etc. And
you know very well that a constant repetition of your own woes will
only make them seem greater and more real to you. And then the chronic
retailer of woe grows to be like the journalist--develops a keen scent
for matter to be dished out to others--she needs it in her business.
When one gets into this habit of carrying about tales to her friends,
she runs out of ready material, and eagerly looks around for more with
which to supply the demand. She becomes quite an adept at discovering
insults, sneers, double-meaning remarks, etc., on the part of her
friends and relatives, where nothing of the kind was intended, and she
rolls these things over and over in her mind like sweet morsels before
she serves them up with appropriate trimmings, to her listeners.
You will notice that I say "her," in speaking of the victim of this
demoralizing habit, and some of my readers of that sex will
undoubtedly take me to task for blaming it on the woman instead of the
man. Well, you all know my ideas about the equality of the
sexes--about their being different, but one being as good as the
other, with the odds a little in favor of the woman. But I feel
justified in saying that this habit is one that seems to have a
special liking for women, and it generally picks out a woman for its
victim in preference to a man. When a man acquires this habit, he
becomes such a nuisance to his friends and associates that sooner or
later he will notice that they avoid him, and the chances are that
some blunt fellow will tell him that he has no time for listening to
tales of this kind, and that if he, the complainer, would display the
same energy in attending to his business that he does to peddling
around tales about how badly he has been used, he would not need any
sympathy. But woman, God bless her, does not like to hurt the feelings
of others in this way--she suffers the infliction in silence, and then
tells her friends how she has been bored. She will listen to her
woe-retailing friend, and seem to sympathize with her, and say, "Oh,
isn't it dreadful;" "how could she speak so harshly of you;" "you poor
dear, how you must have suffered;" "how could he have treated you so
unjustly," and other things of that kind. But when the visitor goes,
she yawns and says, "Dear me, if Mrs. Groan would only try to say
something more cheerful; she gives me the horrors with her tales about
her husband, her relatives, her friends, and everybody else." But Mrs.
Groan never seems to see the point, and she adds to her list of people
who have "put upon her," as she goes along, her tired-out friends
being added to the number, as their patience wears out.
And then the effect upon the woman herself. You know the effect of
holding certain lines of thoughts; of auto-suggestion; of the
attractive power of thought, and you can readily see how this woman
makes things worse for herself all the time. She goes around with her
mind fixed upon the idea that everybody's hand is against her, and she
carries about with her an aura that attracts to her all the unpleasant
things in the neighborhood. She goes around looking for trouble, and,
of course, she gets it. Did you ever notice a man or a woman looking
for trouble, and how soon they found it? The man looking for fight is
generally accommodated. The woman looking for "slights" always gets
them, whether the giver intends them or not. This sort of mental
attitude fairly draws out the worst in those with whom we come in
contact. And the predominant thought draws to itself all the
corresponding thought within its radius. One who dwells upon the
fancied fact that everybody is going around trying to injure him,
treat him unkindly, sneer at him, "slight" him, and generally use him
up, is pretty sure to find that he has attracted to him enough people
who will humor his fancy, and give him what he expects.
In "Thought Force" you will remember, I tell the story of the two
dogs. The one dog, dignified and self-respecting, whom no boy ever
thinks of bothering. The other dog, who expects to be kicked by every
passing boy, and who draws himself up, and places his tail between his
legs, and actually suggests the kick to the passing boy. Of course he
gets kicked. It's wrong for the boy to do it, I know, but the dog's
attitude is too much for the nature of the average boy. And
"grown-ups" are built upon the same plan. These people who are going
around in the mental attitude which invites unkind treatment,
generally manage to find someone who will have his natural meanness
drawn out to such a convenient lightning rod. And, in fact, such
people often generate harsh feelings in persons who scarcely ever
manifest them. Like attracts like in the world of thought, and one
draws upon him the things he fears, in many cases.
But one of the most regrettable things about this woe-retailing woman,
is the effect the habit has upon her own mind and character. When we
understand how one is constantly building up character, adding a
little every day, and that our thoughts of the day are the material
which are going into our character-structure, it will be seen that it
is a matter of the greatest importance what kind of thoughts we think.
Thoughts are not wasted. They not only go out in all directions,
influencing others--attracting persons and things to ourselves--but
they have a creative effect upon our own mind and character. Thought
along a certain line will develop certain brain-cells to a great
extent, and the cells manifesting the contrary line of thought are
allowed to dwindle away and shrivel up. Now, when we have our minds
fixed upon the thought that we are long-suffering mortals, and that
everyone else is trying to do mean things to us; that we are not
appreciated, and that those who should care most for us are only
biding their time until they can hurt us; we are building up our minds
along that line, and we find ourselves in the habit of looking for the
worst in everybody, and we often manage to bring it to the surface,
even if we have to dig hard for it.
Some of this class of people seem to take a particular delight in
bringing upon their head the harsh words and "slights" of others. Now,
I really mean this. I have seen people go around with that "I'm a worm
of the dust, please tread on me" air, and the same expression as that
in the eyes of the dog which expected to be kicked. And when somebody
would be nagged into saying or doing something that they would not
otherwise have thought of, the woe-seeker's eyes would assume an
expression of "I told you so," and "It's only poor me," and "It's all
I can expect, everybody wishes to crush me," and a few other assorted
thoughts of that kind. And then she will go to her room and moan and
weep, and dwell upon her miseries until they seem to be as large as a
mountain. And then the first chance she gets she will run around the
corner to a friend, and will retail all the new stock of woes which
she has accumulated, with fancy trimmings, you may feel sure, and the
friend will try hard to avoid showing that she is bored at the tale
she has so often heard, but will say nice little things, until the
mourner is sure that the whole world sympathizes with her, and she
feels a glow of righteous indignation, self-pity and martyrdom. Oh,
the pity of it all! These people go through the world, making things
harder for themselves, their friends, their relatives, and everyone
else with whom they come in contact. They are constantly seeking to
keep their stock fresh and attractive, and display more energy in
their retailing than the average man or woman does in business.
This thing of looking for trouble is a very unfortunate thing in
families. As a rule, I think that woman gets the worst of it in family
troubles. The economic position places her at a disadvantage, and she
often suffers all sorts of horrible things, rather than have her
troubles made public. But I must say that _some_ women bring upon
themselves all that they get. I have known them to get in a frame of
mind in which they could see nothing but unkindness, where the utmost
kindness was meant. Man is not an angel--far from it--but the attitude
of some women is enough to bring out all the qualities other than
angelic. They assume that they are "put upon" and live up to that
idea. Every word that the man says is twisted and distorted into
something entirely different from what he intended. The mental
attitude produces moral astigmatism, and things are seen at the wrong
angle. All the little things that happen are promptly retailed to some
mischief-making neighbor, who is in the game for the excitement it
affords her, and who laughs at the wife behind her back, and talks
about her in turn to some third person. And the wife fairly draws upon
herself all sort of things that never would have happened otherwise.
She knows that her neighbor is waiting for to-day's budget of news,
and she, almost unconsciously, shapes things so that the facts
justifying the news are forthcoming. Did you ever notice that woman
who keeps her troubles to herself does not have nearly as much
bickering and strife in her household as the one who has acquired the
retailing habit?
Don't retail your woes. Keep them to yourself, and they will die, but
spread them, and they will grow like weeds. You are making things
worse for yourself--are drawing things to you--and are spoiling your
mind, disposition and character by this miserable business of
retailing woes.