Lae Milk.
Parriere Open.
Aliloo Water.
Bl Meat.
Ptlee-bl Mouse meat.
Bleeme-bl Cooked meat.
Pad Foot.
Leo Head.
Pro Nail or claw.
Tut Limb.
Papoo Body.
Oolie Fur.
Mi-ouw Beware.
Purrieu Satisfaction or content.
Yow Extermination.
Mieouw Here.
XXIII.
A MUSICAL LANGUAGE.
To correctly interpret the words of a sentence, the important fact
must be borne in mind that the order of speech is not the same in
the feline tongue as in almost any other language. I claim to be
master of forty-nine different and distinct languages, and none but
the Latin and the French--my native tongue--approach in regularity
the order of speech of the feline language. In the latter the order
of speech is as it was with Adam. Primitively, in the construction
of sentences, the most important word of the subject matter was
given first. I claim that all languages would be bettered, to a
great extent, if this order were observed, and I cannot withhold
my condemnation of the inconsistent and reckless men who falsely
asserted themselves to be learned, who carelessly contrived many of
the languages of communities of people. I believe the language of
signs to be God's language, and that it cannot be improved upon.
I never have found a grammar of any language, not even the French
grammar, all sufficient and adequate to the purposes for which it is
supposed to have been intended. In fact, you may say that grammars
are beyond my comprehension, if you like, and I will not deny the
allegation, for I know that they are beyond the understanding of the
grand majority of human beings of all tongues.
Neither have I ever found a dictionary, in any language, which gives
correct definitions of a majority of the words in common use. The
reader has been informed of my estimation of the great American
dictionary compiled by Noah Webster, who was, I have no doubt, a
very good and erudite man, but one subject to strong temptations,
such, for instance, as those of publishers, whose blandishments are
irresistible to many writers and apt to mislead the honest author.
In the feline language the rule is to place the noun or the verb
first in the sentence, thus preparing the mind of the hearer for
what is to follow. To my thinking, this is the proper form of speech
and the only arrangement of words for any language. I never could
admire the speaker who launches out in a mystifying rhapsody on some
human being or some subject near his heart, by saying something
after this manner: "Mr. Chairman, I am about to name a gentleman
who," et cetera, and "a man well known to all the world as a," et
cetera. In this strain long continued, until the hearers tire of
the mystification and call loudly, in their justifiable impatience,
for the inconsistent orator to give the name of the individual, as
he should have done at first, so that the hearers might compare
notes while the eulogy was proceeding. When I read, or listen to
the reading of a letter, I want to know, first of all, the name of
the writer, for in him centres all the interest I may have in the
information contained in the communication. By the measure of my
interest in the writer, I measure the interest in his letter.
According to the primal order of speech and the manner of the
construction of sentences in the Cat language, you will hear such
utterances as these: "Milk give me," "Meat I want," "Mary I love,"
"Going out, my mistress?" "Sick I am," "Happy are my babies."
In the translation of words of the feline language the inflection of
the voice must constantly be kept in mind, for this, as well as the
sound, denotes the meaning intended to be conveyed. For instance,
"meouw," spoken in the ordinary tone of voice, means "how," and is
a salutation of good-will, expressed in English by "Good morning,"
"Good evening," or "How d'ye do?" When the same word is uttered in a
high tone of voice the first syllable "me," strongly emphasized, as
indicated in "meouw," hatred, or something akin to it, is expressed
by the feline. Similarly, the word "purrieu," when spoken with a long
roll of the letter "r" and a rising inflection to the last syllable,
is a call of the mother to her kittens; when spoken with a shrill
inflection to the last syllable, the word is a note of warning to
her loved ones, and when the word is uttered in an ordinary tone
of voice, while the Cat rubs her side against the dress of her
mistress, it denotes satisfaction, affection, or it may be a part of
the feline's system of cajolery. The word "yew," also, when uttered
as an explosive, is the Cat's strongest expression of hatred, and
a declaration of war, but it is, also, her word for expressing a
feeling of pain, or giving notice that she is ill, when uttered in
an ordinary, or perhaps, in a low tone of voice. In short, there is
scarcely a word in the feline language whose meaning is not subject
to four or more directly opposite interpretations, according to the
inflections given in its expression. "Poopoo" means tired--"poopoo"
with a slight emphasis upon the first syllable means sleep--"poopoo"
with a strong emphasis upon the last syllable means work, and this
drives the paterfamilias out after food for the infants and mother,
but when the last syllable is spoken in an explosive tone, such as
poor Mr. Caudle might have uttered when henpecked by his tantalizing
wife during her curtain lectures. The same word "poopoo" when uttered
with a falling tone on the last syllable, is an expression of sorrow
and grief.
I do not know of any sounds more soothing to the nerves of man as
musical, or as musically correct in rhythm, intonation or melody, as
the song of the Cat when at peace with all the world. I have listened
to it many times, and many times endeavored to translate the words of
the song, but, owing to the fact that she sings with closed mouth,
no word has been distinct enough to separate from other words of
the song. Perhaps at no distant day science, through the medium of
electricity, may furnish a means of discovering not only the words of
the singer, but also many words of the feline language which, through
ignorance, are now mouthed by the Cat for lack of knowledge of the
importance of emphasis and clearness of expression.
XXIV.
THE IMPORTANCE OF SIGNS.
Signs, in the feline language, are almost invariably made through
the medium of the muscles, and are adequate to every expression. To
this language they are an absolute desideratum. Almost invariably
they accompany the word-signs of the language from a habitually
unconstrained feeling and a desire to better convey the meaning of
the speaker.
To put into words every such expressions is more than word-language
is capable of, which is the strongest proof of the inadequateness
of words for the proper and sufficient expression of ideas, and the
superiority of signs for the manifestation of ideas and desires.
No tiresome, misleading and fallacious grammar, no stuffy, lame,
meaningless dictionary, no wearisome spelling-book, containing words
which are all "at sixes," born in the prize-ring, with a heritage
of hatred for each other, and refusing forever to become reconciled
one to the other; no unpronounceable pronouncing dictionary, in
which words are all zigzag, stubbornly resisting every attempt to
straighten out and stand them upright, like a man, but determined to
inscribe themselves upon the brain in every conceivable pyrotechnical
contempt of straight lines or uniformity in any respect, askew in
reckless profligacy, in defiance of euphony and as uncontrollable as
they are funny; no ridiculously prolix analyzer, no hobbling treatise
upon syntax or prosody of a heterogeneous language of word-signs,
invented to confound those who seek, as well as those who possess
a knowledge of the language of signs. Yet many signs refuse to be
disgraced by being rendered into words.
Noticeable among those of the signs unpronounceable are many
expressed by the sons of Judah, Levi and Benjamin, such as the
bending forward of the shoulders and extending of the hands, palms
upward, and the placing of the index finger to the right hand upon
the right side of the nose; the Frenchman's shrug of the shoulders,
the gyration of the Englishman's finger while the end of the thumb
rests upon the point of his nose; the twirl of the Irishman's
shillelah, and his expressive manner of puffing smoke from his
short-stemmed dhudeen; the sudden change from animation to stolidity
in the German, and the multitudinous and inexpressible signs of the
gesticulating children of sunny Italy.
In the sign language of the Cat an expression is conveyed in the same
manner as by the human being, but the feline has a great advantage
over man in the possession of more utilizing forces. There is the
language of the ear, the tail, the limb, the body, the facial,
including the mouth, the nose, the eye, the brow, the chin, the lip
and the whiskers, the motion of the whole and the significant general
appearance, as in the carriage while in motion, and the form when at
rest.
The language of the tail cannot be misinterpreted, suggestive
as it is of the feelings of the Cat. When she raises it, like a
flagstaff, we know that she is proud of herself and satisfied with
her condition, as well as the condition of all other things. When the
appendage is an appendage to all intents and purposes, and streams
out in the rear of its possessor, she is not letting the grass grow
under her feet. When it waves from side to side it is a token of
dislike of position and significant of a change. When it curls under
her body it is a sign of fear, and when it is extended with the fur
on end, "like quills upon the fretful porcupine," there is a strong
probability that there will be commingled in the air untheological
imprecations, a sulphurous blue tinge and loose fur. When it lashes
from side to side it signifies a war of extermination. When it
twitches, that is a sign of amusement. When it is pointed toward the
fire it speaks of rain. When it inclines toward the door it says that
its mistress may go shopping without an umbrella, and while it is
curled upon its side it betokens that all is quiet along the owner's
line of life.
These, among many signs given by use of the tail, have been noted by
everybody. The facial signs are more numerous, and a multitude of
signs find means of communication through the medium of the ear, the
limbs, the feet and the trunk. So plain must the signs be to every
human being, of whatever mental capacity, that I deem it a work of
supererogation to occupy the reader's time in an explanation of what
is so palpably apparent, and I therefore leave the subject, hoping
that watchful care and pleasant study will fully develop the feline
language to the end that the Cat may be understood as she really
is, and elevated from a degrading position to one of still greater
usefulness. In conjunction with the study of the feline language, and
as an aid to its acquirement, I would recommend the remodeling of the
English language, so that it may, to a larger degree, be comprehended
by those who are acquainted with it. I would direct attention
particularly to the words ending in "ough," such as "cough, bough,
rough, though, through, although, enough, sough, tough, trough, and
plough."
I would have you notice that you seem undecided which to say, whether
"men clothing," or "men's clothing," the plural of "man" being "men."
You will remember that the plural of "ox" is "oxen," not "oxes," the
plural of "fox" is not "foxen," but "foxes." I am surprised when I
take a glass of wine with an English-speaking gentleman to see him
touch my glass with the rim of his own and to hear him say: "Here
we go!" while he remains stationary and makes no attempt to leave
me. I am hoping for the time to come when the reformation of the
English language will be so complete that when the conductor on a
tramway cries "look out!" he will mean what he says, so that the
Frenchman may save his head from being crushed by putting it out of
the carriage window because of the misdirection of the official of
the train. I shall hope for such reformation as will save me from
insulting a widow, unintentionally, by innocently telling her that
I am aware that her worthy and lamented husband has kicked over the
bucket, because I was informed that it was the proper expression in
the English for our French word "mort."
Hoping, by your aid, for better things for my favorite, the Cat, and
thanking you very much for your kind attention to my paper, I have
the honor of wishing you au revoir.
ALPHONSE LEON GRIMALDI.
* * * * *
The work of the Professor is complete as far as he has gone. I shall
expect to hear from him again, some day, if his paper meets with
encouragement from the people of this country.
There can be no doubt that with the aid of the phonograph and other
modern instruments which have recently been discovered, and which he
so significantly anticipated in his references to electricity, great
progress will be made in translating and disseminating the feline
language. In aid of this object, as well as to provide proper homes
and medical attendance for the felines, with an eye to their comfort
and the improvement of the breed, material assistance should be
given by the ruling powers in every nation. It is a subject of vast
importance and I leave it for the consideration of the great American
public and other nations as well.
MARVIN R. CLARK.
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[Illustration]
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[Illustration]
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