The Arrivals
In the midst of that scene of confusion thrice confounded, in which we
left the inhabitants of Headlong Hall, arrived the lovely Caprioletta
Headlong, the Squire's sister (whom he had sent for, from the
residence of her maiden aunt at Caernarvon, to do the honours of his
house), beaming like light on chaos, to arrange disorder and harmonise
discord. The tempestuous spirit of her brother became instantaneously
as smooth as the surface of the lake of Llanberris; and the little fat
butler "plessed Cot, and St Tafit, and the peautiful tamsel," for
being permitted to move about the house in his natural pace. In less
than twenty-four hours after her arrival, everything was disposed in
its proper station, and the Squire began to be all impatience for the
appearance of his promised guests.
The first visitor with whom he had the felicity of shaking hands was
Marmaduke Milestone, Esquire, who arrived with a portfolio under his
arm. Mr Milestone[3.1] was a picturesque landscape gardener of the
first celebrity, who was not without hopes of persuading Squire
Headlong to put his romantic pleasure-grounds under a process of
improvement, promising himself a signal triumph for his incomparable
art in the difficult and, therefore, glorious achievement of polishing
and trimming the rocks of Llanberris.
Next arrived a post-chaise from the inn at Capel Cerig, containing the
Reverend Doctor Gaster. It appeared, that, when the mail-coach
deposited its valuable cargo, early on the second morning, at the inn
at Capel Cerig, there was only one post-chaise to be had; it was
therefore determined that the reverend Doctor and the luggage should
proceed in the chaise, and that the three philosophers should walk.
When the reverend gentleman first seated himself in the chaise, the
windows were down all round; but he allowed it to drive off under the
idea that he could easily pull them up. This task, however, he had
considerable difficulty in accomplishing, and when he had succeeded,
it availed him little; for the frames and glasses had long since
discontinued their ancient familiarity. He had, however, no
alternative but to proceed, and to comfort himself, as he went, with
some choice quotations from the book of Job. The road led along the
edges of tremendous chasms, with torrents dashing in the bottom; so
that, if his teeth had not chattered with cold, they would have done
so with fear. The Squire shook him heartily by the hand, and
congratulated him on his safe arrival at Headlong Hall. The Doctor
returned the squeeze, and assured him that the congratulation was by
no means misapplied.
Next came the three philosophers, highly delighted with their walk,
and full of rapturous exclamations on the sublime beauties of the
scenery.
The Doctor shrugged up his shoulders, and confessed he preferred the
scenery of Putney and Kew, where a man could go comfortably to sleep
in his chaise, without being in momentary terror of being hurled
headlong down a precipice.
Mr Milestone observed, that there were great capabilities in the
scenery, but it wanted shaving and polishing. If he could but have it
under his care for a single twelvemonth, he assured them no one would
be able to know it again.
Mr Jenkison thought the scenery was just what it ought to be, and
required no alteration.
Mr Foster thought it could be improved, but doubted if that effect
would be produced by the system of Mr Milestone.
Mr Escot did not think that any human being could improve it, but had
no doubt of its having changed very considerably for the worse, since
the days when the now barren rocks were covered with the immense
forest of Snowdon, which must have contained a very fine race of wild
men, not less than ten feet high.
The next arrival was that of Mr Cranium, and his lovely daughter Miss
Cephalis Cranium, who flew to the arms of her dear friend Caprioletta,
with all that warmth of friendship which young ladies usually assume
towards each other in the presence of young gentlemen.[3.2]
Miss Cephalis blushed like a carnation at the sight of Mr Escot, and
Mr Escot glowed like a corn-poppy at the sight of Miss Cephalis. It
was at least obvious to all observers, that he could imagine the
possibility of one change for the better, even in this terrestrial
theatre of universal deterioration.
Mr Cranium's eyes wandered from Mr Escot to his daughter, and from his
daughter to Mr Escot; and his complexion, in the course of the
scrutiny, underwent several variations, from the dark red of the peony
to the deep blue of the convolvulus.
Mr Escot had formerly been the received lover of Miss Cephalis, till
he incurred the indignation of her father by laughing at a very
profound craniological dissertation which the old gentleman delivered;
nor had Mr Escot yet discovered the means of mollifying his wrath.
Mr Cranium carried in his own hands a bag, the contents of which were
too precious to be intrusted to any one but himself; and earnestly
entreated to be shown to the chamber appropriated for his reception,
that he might deposit his treasure in safety. The little butler was
accordingly summoned to conduct him to his _cubiculum_.
Next arrived a post-chaise, carrying four insides, whose extreme
thinness enabled them to travel thus economically without experiencing
the slightest inconvenience. These four personages were, two very
profound critics, Mr Gall and Mr Treacle, who followed the trade of
reviewers, but occasionally indulged themselves in the composition of
bad poetry; and two very multitudinous versifiers, Mr Nightshade and
Mr Mac Laurel, who followed the trade of poetry, but occasionally
indulged themselves in the composition of bad criticism. Mr Nightshade
and Mr Mac Laurel were the two senior lieutenants of a very formidable
corps of critics, of whom Timothy Treacle, Esquire, was captain, and
Geoffrey Gall, Esquire, generalissimo.
The last arrivals were Mr Cornelius Chromatic, the most profound and
scientific of all amateurs of the fiddle, with his two blooming
daughters, Miss Tenorina and Miss Graziosa; Sir Patrick O'Prism, a
dilettante painter of high renown, and his maiden aunt, Miss Philomela
Poppyseed, an indefatigable compounder of novels, written for the
express purpose of supporting every species of superstition and
prejudice; and Mr Panscope, the chemical, botanical, geological,
astronomical, mathematical, metaphysical, meteorological, anatomical,
physiological, galvanistical, musical, pictorial, bibliographical,
critical philosopher, who had run through the whole circle of the
sciences, and understood them all equally well.
Mr Milestone was impatient to take a walk round the grounds, that he
might examine how far the system of clumping and levelling could be
carried advantageously into effect. The ladies retired to enjoy each
other's society in the first happy moments of meeting: the Reverend
Doctor Gaster sat by the library fire, in profound meditation over a
volume of the "_Almanach des Gourmands_:" Mr Panscope sat in the
opposite corner with a volume of Rees' Cyclopaedia: Mr Cranium was
busy upstairs: Mr Chromatic retreated to the music-room, where he
fiddled through a book of solos before the ringing of the first dinner
bell. The remainder of the party supported Mr Milestone's proposition;
and, accordingly, Squire Headlong and Mr Milestone leading the van,
they commenced their perambulation.