dark was full of light, and warm, throbbing memories, and they were one
again. Just for a little while, only in a dream....
But day came through the diamond casements, laughing, and hand in hand
with Hope. There were tears and laughter in her train. Two real people.
No dream after all.
He had wanted to look at Maryhouse again, and had traveled down in the
express from Euston, hours after she had started. It was he who had
rung the bell in the night.
Mistress Dumphie had let him in and given him supper, and lighted the
old room for him. He had thought there was a curious twinkle in her eye.
The Deed of Separation, now waste-paper, may be had on application,
by any young, wealthy couple who are desirous, upon a sensible
arrangement, to part.
FATHER TO THE MAN
_Being a Confidential Letter from the Right Hon. Viscount
Tynstone, at the Rev. O. Gotobed’s, Eton College, to the Lady Mary
Cliffe-Bradlay, ooo Wessex Street, Park Lane, W._
GOOD OLD POLL,--
It is awfully nice of you to be so fritefully sick about it--_i.
e._, my Getting Swished this Half, but fellows get Hardened to these
things at School. Hemming major says there is something in a rotten
poetry-book about a Divinity that shapes our Ends. I expect the beggar
who wrote it was trying to get round the Head for his own Reesons. Your
simpathy about the Ladies’ Plate is cumforting, but the Eton Eight
must give other Crews a chance sumtimse. So everyboddy says, and as
far as stile went our Fellowse boddies were better under controle, and
the whole Appearanse of the Rowing was up to the best traddishunse of
Eton. No. 7, Biggly-Wade, presenting a beautiful example of rithm and
elastissity; and Henson No. 4, simply being a Tower of strength. N. B.,
he is Captain of my Tutor’s and Has licked me awfully several timse, so
I am in a pusition to Judge.
While the Thames Cup was being slogged for I made up my mind to
Sacrifise myself for the good of my Fammaly, and drop into Lunch with
Mr. and Mrs. Le Moser, those Millionaire Friends of Mother’s, who she
said were such Howling Cads, and so anxhus to know me. They Had an A.1.
Motor-Launch, sedar-built, with plated fittingse and with salloons 4
and aft, and Green Awnings second on the Bucks side 2 Private Lawns
billow the Kingston Rowing Club. There were Moundse of Flowers, and
though lots of other awfully smart launches filled up the First Section
of the Bank before the Houseboats Began, where you, and Mother, and
the Girls were on Uncle Todmore’s _Roulette_, the Le Moser craft
collared the bikker for sumshuous splender. Regger minor of my house,
who is quite an awfully Brilliant umorist, made an eppigram about the
general Swellness of boats and launches billonging to people like the
Le Moser’s. He said: “On the Berks side there are piles only, and no
Booms. On the Bucks side there are _both_ Boomse and Piles.”
Regger was so awfully Pleased with himself for saying such a clever
Remark that I Had to Kick him to Tone Him down. He is Fritefully
litterary and Artistic, because his Father Has just Bought a Weakly
Illustrated Journal, and He is to Eddit it when He leaves Oxford; and
the Things he said about the akwatic Fairy Palaces bineath the Pine
treese and the Green-clad Hilly Vista, kombining to make up a Picture
uneek in its English beauty, and without Paralel in the sivilised World
were like hearing bitts read out of some Rotten Newspaper the day after
the Rigatta.
I had Not Had much Brekker, bicause our Boys’ Maid is quite awfully
spoons on Henson No. 4 of the Eight, and forgetse where she has Hidden
the Knives and Forkse to kepe Other Fellows from getting at Them. I
Found them in my Cricket Pads after I had Eaten eggs and Sausages with
my Fingers like one of those Prehistorick Beggers with Stone Hatchets.
So the Hospitallity of the Le Mosers was ixtremely Welcome. Mrs. Le
Moser was Frightfully Civil. She Had Diamond buttons on a White Reefer
Jacket, and Rows and Rows of pearls as big as Sparrows’ eggse. A White
Gangway, railed with gilt chains on posts with gilt Knobs, led to a
Markay on Shore, which was Decorated as a Medievil Banqueting Hall, and
there was a Footman in the Le Moser livery behind everybody’s chair.
The Dalmatian Band and the Castillian Minstrels Played, and it was an
awfully ripping lunchon, with everything you could think of to Eat and
Drink and lots more bissides. There were 4,000 Pot plants on Board, and
when it Got Dark the Fairy Litse looked awfully fine.
Mr. Le Moser was a ripping good Host, though his waistcoat and necktie
were frightfully loud, and he wares his Nails as long as the front ends
of a Pair of Swedish Skates. N. B., Perhaps it is to Rake in the Money
with? He told me that my Distinguished Father’s Name was Down as One
of the Directors of His New Company, and that He Hoped to have Mine
in a Few Years. He said the Risponsibilities of Rank were fritefully
tremendous, and never seemed to Notice how I kept Slogging into the
Champagne. He told me to keep the Cigarretts biside me, and offered me
a Partagga in a glass case, price 8s. 6d., which I expect comes to a
frightfully big price for a box of 100. I acsepted the luxurious Weed,
but Did Not Smoak it. (N. B., I have got it now, and Regger, who has
been swotting Pericles this half for English Classics, calls it “a
glorious casket stored with ill.” I can’t think what makes him.)
After everybody was stodged we went on Board the launch, and Miss Le
Moser--Mother is quite rite about her being a pretty girl, though her
Pater and Mater are such awful form, and her Pater doesn’t know how
to stop talking about the money he has Bagged on the Stock Ixchange,
and in other Places, the Diamond Mines in South Africa particularly. A
chap in the Guards who was on the launch said it was a well-developed
case of I. D. B., but Forgot to tell me what the Letters ment. He
said, “Josie would carry the pile” (Josie is Miss Le Moser), and that
if I was a sensible young beggar, and not a rotten Ass, I would see
where my own advantidge lay even before I left School for Sandhurst.
He went on about an infusion of Radical blood being a good thing to
mingel with the ancient Tory blue, and rather Valuable than otherwise
to one’s descendents, and said that to win a young and distinctly
decently-looking wife with a hundred and eighty thousand jimmies in
her wedding nightcap would be getting the Grand Slam in mattrimony. I
checked him a bit and asked him if he had Praktised what he jolly well
preached, and he twisted his mustash and said: “Unfortunately, no,
young ’un; as like a Good many other fellows, I Came under the Married
Women’s propperty Act before I was eighteen.”
Then he pointed out a weedy, long-legged Beggar with the ghost of a
red mustash and fritefully swagger clothes, who was making himself
tremendously nice to Josie Le Moser, and said he was the Son of Mr.
Joyd Lorge’s privite Secretary and an _enfant gâtày_ of the Liberal
Government, with a seat in the Lower House being kept warm for him
until he should come of age, and a lot more, ending up by asking me if
I was driving an Automobile and saw a Dog trying to Bite through one
of my Tyres, what I should do to the dog? I said I should Drive over
it, of course, which seemed to pleese him frightfully, for he tipped
me a sov, and then winked towards the Fellow who was showing his teeth
at Miss Le Moser and said, “Then, there’s the Dog, don’t you know!”
and went off to talk to a frightfully swell woman who called him to
come over to her. I should rather like to be like that Guardsman when
I go into the Army. His name is Gerald, for I heard the lady call
him by it; he is Lord Dennismore, and he was so jolly Respectful and
attentive to the lady, who wore quite a lot of vales and had heaps
of golden hair, though she was quite old, and a tremendously red and
white Complection, and a front figure that rinkled and bulged when she
stooped or sat down, that I thought she must be his Mother, until Mrs.
Le Moser told me she was the Duchess of Rinkhorn and his great friend.
What I said about the Duchess being his mother seemed to amuse Mrs. Le
Moser like mad, for I Heard her tell quite a lot of people, and they
All yelled, as if I had been trying to be funny, which I was Not.
She told me lots more About Lord Dennismore, which made me feel beastly
proud of his having talked to me, and given me Advice. He was out with
his battalion in the South African War, and did splendid thingse at the
Front, and got speshally mentioned in Despatches, after Jaegersfontein
and for Rescewing twenty wounded Tommies who had fallen in the Grass
which the liddite from the shells had set on fire--I think it was
liddite. And he got potted in the Shoulder, and was getting quite fit
again, and would have done a lot more fiting if the Duchess hadn’t
come out in a Speshul Hospital ship and carried him back “to England,
Home and Duty,” as a lady who was listening to Mrs. Le Moser put in. I
think it was jolly mean of the Duchess, don’t you? As if a chap could
be properly grateful for being muffed like that! I forgot to say that
Lord Denismore, when a little chap, was Father’s fag at school, and
used to field for him when stump cricket in the passage in wet weather
first came in. And he, Lord Denismore, was picked to Play in the School
Eleven when he was still only a Lower Boy, and was Captain for a half
before he left. And I feel awfuly Glad I met him, but I wonder why he
said that about coming under the Married Women’s Property Act before
he was eighteen? There is a Duke of Rinkhorn, who goes about in a Bath
Chair with a Nurse in a white cap and apron to feed him and blow his
nose when it wants it, so Perhaps the Duchess is the married woman he
meant after all.
I must say Josie Le Moser seemed to like me talking to her and
explaining things more than she seemed to when the weedy chap with the
ghost of a red mustash was trying to. After the phinal of the Diamonds,
when the Crowds began to thin, and later when the Twilite came down
and the Nats came out, and the Le Moser’s launch and their markay were
elluminated up with about twice as many Fairy Lites as anybody else
had, and the Castillian Minstrils played splendidly on their mandalins,
I began to think her an awfully pretty girl. I don’t believe it was
the crême de Menth her Pater had made me have with my coffy after
Lunch and the Champagne, or the Russian rum they sent round in little
dekanters, with the five o’clock tea, because the fellows say my Head
is frightfully strong. But I got her hand and squeezed it a lot of
times, and whenever the sucking M. P. edged a word in, and he tried to
keep in Josie’s pocket the Most of the time, I wanted to fit him, and
I think He guessed it from my Manner. He let Out He had been Edducated
by Private Tutors at Home because his constitushion was dellicate as a
Boy, and I said “Oh!” and I think Josie began to feel him rather in the
way after that. His name is Wenham-Biggs, and I xpect his Constitushion
is giving him a lot more trouble by now.
The thing happened like this. I had only leeve till 7.30, but Mr. Le
Moser asked me to stop and Dine, and I thought I could work the squash
at the Station, and being three tranes late for an extra 2 hours so
consentid with thanx, as it is a Poor Heart that Never rejoices, as
Regger says. Josie and Me were up in the Bows where there is just Room
for 2, and Wenham-Biggs was sitting on the Steersman’s Box rubbing
his chin against the Wheel, to make his Beard grow I suppose, and
Getting more Sickeningly Sweet and Centimental in the things He was
saying to Josie every Minute. I call it Nerve to go on like that with
another fellow nearly as old as yourself listening to every Word. At
last he Said he was ready to Die for the Woman he Loved--I like that,
don’t you?--Whenever she asked the sacrafice, and I said it would be
the Leest he could Do, if she had an objection to a red mustash. It
must be being so much with Regger makes me bat off these Things I
xpect. Wenham-Biggs was perfeckly wild, and Josie giggled so mutch
that she Forgot she was Close to the Edge and the Rubber mat slipped
or something, the Launch being polished like a Looking Glass, and she
went plump into the River, and it is pretty Deep on the Bucks side, and
there is a good deal of Streem.
I was Glad of all the Swimmers I had gone in for at Cuckoo Weir. I
was Beestly sorry about my Swagger Flannelse and my new colors I had
sported for the 1st time; but of corse I had to go in after Josie and
thogh I don’t suppose I showed much skill, People made an awful Row,
crowding to the Bullarks, and throwing life-boys and cork fenders at us
like ennything. Mr. Le Moser kept offering rewards in lbs. and making
it ginnies, and Mrs. Le Moser had histerrics in Lord Dennismore’s arms,
which shows she was not quite unconshus because He was the best-bread
and best-looking man of the Launch-party.
What price your Little Brother when Me and Josie were Hauled up into
the Launch all over pslime and Duckweed. Everybody Shook Hands with Me
and said things that Made me Tingal all Over, and all the Women kept
kissing Josie who they took away and put to Bed. Mr. Le Moser lent me a
Change of his Thingse. O crumbs! if you Had seen me in them ispeshally
the Wastecoat and the etsetras with stripes down the Legs. And he rote
me a letter to Take back to my Tutor, and left it ungummed. And the
things He said about my Pluck and Daring and his Eternal obbligation
made me feel quite Shy when I read them going back in the last trane.
There were two other Lower Boys in the carriage, and besidse them, a
Fellow of my house who is One of the Swells of the Sixth Form, who was
awfully annoyed at being obbliged to travel with us.
The Butler was sitting up for us at my tutor’s, and everyone Else in
Bed, as it was past 12, when we Got Back, but beyond a Slite Cold in
my Head the Risults of the Outing were Not Paneful, my Letter putting
Things in an awfully good light, which made the Other Fellows rather
envious thogh they were let off with midling paenas.
I Forgot to say Mr. Le Moser tipped me £100, which will come in very
usefull. Also I am to try and get leave to go and Spend the Day at
their Place at Staines next week, and they will send me Home in one of
their motor-carse. Xcuse Spelling and mistakes as my Cold is making me
Sneaze pretty Frequently, and with love to Mother, and all at home.
Bilieve me,
Your loving Brother,
TOBY.
P.S.--You Never saw a Fellow with plenty of conceat and Nerve about Him
look as small as Wenham-Biggs when Lord Dennismore asked Him why He did
not Dive in after Josie too, and he Had to own up He Could not swim a
Stroak. What price private Tutors and being Edducated at Home?
* * * * *
P.P.S.--I saw Josie before I came away, and Mrs. Le Moser kissed me,
which was horrid, and so did the Duchess and Several Other Ladies, and
then they told Josie to and she did and gave me a little Diamond Duck
to wear on my watch chane. N.B.--I think I see myself doing it and
getting fitted by my fagmaster for side. T.
* * * * *
P.P.S.S.--Lord Dennismore neerly rung my hand off when I said Good-bye,
and said, “You’ve tumbled in for a good thing, you lucky little beggar,
and I’m ½ inclined to billeve....” And then he left off without saying
What. But he tipped me 3 soverins more, and asked me to come and
lunch with Him when Next he is on Duty, and you bet I said delighted
thanks.... T.
* * * * *
P.P.P.S.S.S.--As my Fagmaster seemed inclined to be Nasty about my not
getting Up in Time to Fill his Bath and make his tost and cofy in the
morning I gave Him Mr. Le Moser’s 8s. 6d. Partagga in the glass case.
First he bitt the end of the case off and it neerly choaked Him, and
then He had a lot of trouble in getting it to Lite, and before it was
½ through he had a lot more trubble of a different kind. (N.B.--Ask
mother if it would Not be a good Thing for me _i. e._ marrying Josie
Le Moser when I am of Age? I shall be fritefully poor and she will be
awfully Rich, so her Father and Mother would not matter much. Also it
would be Better than coming under the Married Women’s Propperty Act at
18, like poor Dennismore!) TYNSTONE.
THE FLY AND THE SPIDER
_Being a Confidential Letter from the Right Hon. Viscount Tynstone,
on board the Yacht “Spindrift,” Cowes Roads, to the Lady Mary
Cliffe-Bradlay, Silversands Park, Sussex._
TUESDAY, _August --_.
GOOD OLD POLL,--
I thought you were Rotting about Lord Dennismore and the Duchess at the
baginning of your Letter, but your Locking him up in the Peech House
was a Stunning Lark. The Duchess must Have been in a Regular Wax, and
He must have been Fritefully Wild, only you can’t Hit a Girl, they are
so Soft and Go down so Easily.
Uncle Todmore Has the Usual Yacht Party for the Rigatta, and the old
_Spindrift_ looks A.1. painted white with a new Copper Rail and a New
Sett of Lifeboyse, etc. I asked Uncle Todmore How Much it had Cost, and
He Heeved a Sigh, and said sufficient to the Day was the evil Thereof,
so I xpect it comes to a Lump, and He and Aunt Honoria will Have to
spend the Winter down at that Beestly Place of His in Devonshire
instead of Going to the Riviara or Egipt this time.
I said He Had the Usual Party on Board; but there are Two New People--a
Captain Clanarthur, late of the Malta Artillery, a Man who Parts His
Hair Down the Back, and Wares a Gold Braselet on his Left Wrist, and
his Wife. Mrs. Clanarthur is a simply Fritefully pretty woman, with
Long Black ilashes that Curl at the endse, and Eyes you Cant tell the
right Colour of, never Being the Same Twise Running. Aunt Honoria is a
Great Friend of Hers. And she Wares a Silver Belt with her Ruff weather
Serge Gown that was a saint Bernard Dog’s Collar--so you may immagine
How Small her waste is. She says I am a Mear Boy, and Ought Not to
Notice Such Things; but I shall be Sixteen in September, and lots of
Our Fellows at My Tutors are in love. Greening Minor, Who is a Regular
Shrimp, regularly rites verses To the Barmade in the Slough Station
refreshment room. First class--I mean the Refreshment Room, not the
Verses. One Poem bigins--
“How Nobly Does Thy Fair Form Tower,
Whenare I Gaze On Thee.
I Wish thou Wert a Lilly Flower,
& I a Hunney Bee.”
Which is Not Half Bad for a Lower Boy. And Regger is Secretly ingaged
to his Sisters Jerman Guverness, who is 30 if a Day. She Has Promised
to Wate for Regger, who is a Year Older than Me, and simply awfully
Divoted to Her. She Makes Splendid Gingerbred with Nuts in it, which
will come in Usefull if Regger’s Pater Cuts Him Off with a Shilling.
Mrs. Clanarthur’s Christian Name is Ermengarde, but Her Friends call
Her Nini for short. The Divise on Her Note Paper is a Gold Spider in
a silver Web, and she Wares a little Broach with a Diamond Spider in
a Gold Web. She keeps on Telling me she is Not Young, but That must
be All Rot, because She is so mutch moar Girlish than the 2 Girls on
Board. They are the Pope-Baggotes, and Lady Jane is Fatter than ever.
WEDNESDAY.
I can’t Immajin Why Mrs. Clanarthur ever married such a regular Scug as
Captain Clanarthur, though she Says she was a mear Child, and did It
to Pleese Her Family. They have been 10 Yearse married, so if she was
so young at the time she cannot be as old as she says she is. She says
she Had Her Hair Done up and wore Long Skirts For the first Time on her
Wedding Day, and thought more of the Cake and the Presents than what
was to Come. She cried when she Told me that, after dinner on Deck,
when an Italian Opera Fellow, whose Name I can’t spell, was singing
Love songs to the Acompaniment of the Mandolin, and the Starse were
shining more Brightly than I ever remember to Have Seen Them. Her Hair
has a Scent like Violets, and when Her Head Comes Near you it makes
you Feel Hot and cold and Swimmy--at leest it does Me. Clanarthur was
Away Racing a Yawl of His at the Royal Portsmouth Corinthian Yacht Club
Rigatta, and I thoght if He should Get Drowned what a Jolly Good thing
it would Be. He Ought to be Kicked for Making that woman so frightfully
wretchid when She is 10,000 times Too Good For Him. N.B.--Of course
She did Not Tell me what he has Done, but I bet you ½ a crown it is
sumthing Beastly caddish.
I think the Men on Board a Not very Well Bred Sett, as they chaff Me
like mad about Mrs. Clanarthur; and even when she is Within Earshott,
which makes Me want Frightfully to Kick them all Round. I Cannot Sleep
at Night as I used to Do, and my Head Aches in a Beastly way in the
Morning. I have got a handkerchief of Mrs. Clanarthur’s I Stole when
She was Not Looking, and I Keep it Under My Pillow at Night and Switch
the illectric light On and Look at it every Now and Then. There is
“Nini” imbroidered in the Corner, and it Smells of Violets, like her
Hair. If I was married to a Lovely Woman like that I should not be a
Beast like Clanarthur. She Told Me that she Never has suffered Him
to Kiss her on the Lips Since She Knew Him to be Unworthy of a Pure
Woman’s Love. Sumhow I am glad of that, thogh it is Rough on Clanarthur.
SATURDAY.
Last Night Sumthing Happened I am Now Going to tell you about. They
were Throwing Coloured Lites on the Sea from the Victoria Pier, and
all the Big Steam Yachts Had Fairy lamps Hung Out, and the Music of
the Bands and things Comming Over the Water quite made it simply
ripping. It was after dinner, and I was Sitting on Deck with Mrs.
Clanarthur, and She thought She would like a Moonlight Pull in the
Yacht’s dinghy, as the Sea was so Beautifully Smooth. So I tipped two
of the _Spindrift_ men to get the boat reddy, and not say ennything to
ennybody and We Started. There was a Fritefully Stiff Tide on. I Rowed
Her Round and Down a Lane made of Torpedo Gun-boats on One Side and
1st Class Cruisers on the other, All Reddy for the King to inspect on
Saturday. It was Ripping Fun, and Nini was Delighted. Then we Drifted
dreemily along Towards Ryde, and I Forgot there was such a Fritefully
Stiff Tide Running out to Spithead because I was Holding Nini’s
Hand--she let me--and thinking there were Worse Things than Coming
under the Married Women’s Property Act after All.
When We Had got a Good Distance Out I found I could Not Get Back For
Nuts, However Hard I Pulled.
The Perspirashun was Running off me like Water and my Arms Ached like
Mad. Nini--she had said I might call her Nini the Evening Before--Nini
Could not See ennything was Wrong, but I knew we were being Carried
Out to Sea at About 100 miles an Hour and it Kept Getting Darker.
N.B.--Of course, I did Not Care For myself, but I Kept Thinking of
Nini. She said the Poetry of the illimittible Oshan made Her Trill like
a Smitten Lute, and I said, “Does it?” and Kept Slogging Away against
the Tide without making 1 Not in 1,000 Hours, as the Signals in Coes
Roads kept getting Smaller. Then a Southampton Liner came Rushing out
of the Dark. I Saw Both her Port and Starboard Litse as I Turned my
Head, so she must have been Coming Straight down on Us. You may Suppose
I had Fits, thinking of Mrs. Clanarthur, and I would have tried to
Shout, but I Had Lost my Wind completely.
“How pretty,” said Nini--Mrs. Clanarthur I mean--“that must be the
_Campania_ for New York from Southampton.” And she went on Gassing
about the Beauty of the Seen without an Idea that we might be cut in 2
Next Minute. But we got off. The liner swerved to port and went by us
lighted up like a sea Alhambra, all her deckse crowded with People and
her Band Playing ‘The Merry Widow,’ and Clanarthur lost his chance of
being a Merry Widower. But she passed so jolly close to us that a lot
of Wash slopped in, and Nini screamed and called out, “You silly boy,
it’s all your Fault!” which I like, considering the sittuation. And
She Pulled her White Evening Wrap round her and said, “Let’s get back
to the yacht; it’s shockingly cold and the sea is getting abominably
Rough!” And then I had to own up what a jolly Hat we were in, and that
we had been steddily Drifting Out to Sea for Some time Past.