It so happened that an official of the War Department had escaped
serious punishment for a rather flagrant offense, by showing where
grosser irregularities existed in the management of a certain bureau
of the Department. So valuable was the information furnished that the
culprit who “gave the snap away” was not even discharged.
“That reminds me,” the President said, when the case was laid before
him, “of a story about Daniel Webster, when the latter was a boy.
“When quite young, at school, Daniel was one day guilty of a gross
violation of the rules. He was detected in the act, and called up by the
teacher for punishment.
“This was to be the old-fashioned ‘feruling’ of the hand. His hands
happened to be very dirty.
“Knowing this, on the way to the teacher’s desk, he spit upon the palm
of his right hand, wiping it off upon the side of his pantaloons.
“‘Give me your hand, sir,’ said the teacher, very sternly.
“Out went the right hand, partly cleansed. The teacher looked at it a
moment, and said:
“‘Daniel, if you will find another hand in this school-room as filthy as
that, I will let you off this time!’
“Instantly from behind the back came the left hand.
“‘Here it is, sir,’ was the ready reply.
“‘That will do,’ said the teacher, ‘for this time; you can take your
seat, sir.’”
“I’D A BEEN MISSED BY MYSE’F.”
The President did not consider that every soldier who ran away in
battle, or did not stand firmly to receive a bayonet charge, was a
coward. He was of opinion that self-preservation was the first law of
Nature, but he didn’t want this statute construed too liberally by the
troops.
At the same time he took occasion to illustrate a point he wished to
make by a story in connection with a darky who was a member of the Ninth
Illinois Infantry Regiment. This regiment was one of those engaged at
the capture of Fort Donelson. It behaved gallantly, and lost as heavily
as any.
“Upon the hurricane-deck of one of our gunboats,” said the President in
telling the story, “I saw an elderly darky, with a very philosophical
and retrospective cast of countenance, squatted upon his bundle,
toasting his shins against the chimney, and apparently plunged into a
state of profound meditation.
“As the negro rather interested me, I made some inquiries, and found
that he had really been with the Ninth Illinois Infantry at Donelson.
and began to ask him some questions about the capture of the place.
“‘Were you in the fight?’
“‘Had a little taste of it, sa.’
“‘Stood your ground, did you?’
“‘No, sa, I runs.’
“‘Run at the first fire, did you?
“‘Yes, sa, and would hab run soona, had I knowd it war comin’.”
“‘Why, that wasn’t very creditable to your courage.’
“‘Dat isn’t my line, sa--cookin’s my profeshun.’
“‘Well, but have you no regard for your reputation?’
“‘Reputation’s nuffin to me by de side ob life.’
“‘Do you consider your life worth more than other people’s?’
“‘It’s worth more to me, sa.’
“‘Then you must value it very highly?’
“‘Yes, sa, I does, more dan all dis wuld, more dan a million ob
dollars, sa, for what would dat be wuth to a man wid de bref out ob him?
Self-preserbation am de fust law wid me.’
“‘But why should you act upon a different rule from other men?’
“‘Different men set different values on their lives; mine is not in de
market.’
“‘But if you lost it you would have the satisfaction of knowing that you
died for your country.’
“‘Dat no satisfaction when feelin’s gone.’
“‘Then patriotism and honor are nothing to you?’
“‘Nufin whatever, sat--I regard them as among the vanities.’
“‘If our soldiers were like you, traitors might have broken up the
government without resistance.’
“‘Yes, sa, dar would hab been no help for it. I wouldn’t put my life
in de scale ‘g’inst any gobernment dat eber existed, for no gobernment
could replace de loss to me.’
“‘Do you think any of your company would have missed you if you had been
killed?’
“‘Maybe not, sa--a dead white man ain’t much to dese sogers, let alone a
dead nigga--but I’d a missed myse’f, and dat was de p’int wid me.’
“I only tell this story,” concluded the President, “in order to
illustrate the result of the tactics of some of the Union generals who
would be sadly ‘missed’ by themselves, if no one else, if they ever got
out of the Army.”