Where men bred in courts, accustomed to the world, or versed in
diplomacy, would use some subterfuge, or would make a polite speech,
or give a shrug of the shoulders, as the means of getting out of an
embarrassing position, Lincoln raised a laugh by some bold west-country
anecdote, and moved off in the cloud of merriment produced by the joke.
When Attorney-General Bates was remonstrating apparently against
the appointment of some indifferent lawyer to a place of judicial
importance, the President interposed with: “Come now, Bates, he’s not
half as bad as you think. Besides that, I must tell you, he did me a
good turn long ago. When I took to the law, I was going to court one
morning, with some ten or twelve miles of bad road before me, and I had
no horse.
“The judge overtook me in his carriage.
“‘Hallo, Lincoln! are you not going to the court-house? Come in and I
will give you a seat!’
“Well, I got in, and the Judge went on reading his papers. Presently the
carriage struck a stump on one side of the road, then it hopped off to
the other. I looked out, and I saw the driver was jerking from side to
side in his seat, so I says:
“‘Judge, I think your coachman has been taking a little too much this
morning.’
“‘Well, I declare, Lincoln,’ said he, ‘I should not much wonder if
you were right, for he has nearly upset me half a dozen times since
starting.’
“So, putting his head out of the window, he shouted, ‘Why, you infernal
scoundrel, you are drunk!’
“Upon which, pulling up his horses, and turning round with great
gravity, the coachman said:
“‘Begorra! that’s the first rightful decision that you have given for
the last twelvemonth.’”
While the company were laughing, the President beat a quiet retreat from
the neighborhood.
“PITY THE POOR ORPHAN.”
After the War was well on, and several battles had been fought, a lady
from Alexandria asked the President for an order to release a certain
church which had been taken for a Federal hospital. The President said
he could do nothing, as the post surgeon at Alexandria was immovable,
and then asked the lady why she did not donate money to build a
hospital.
“We have been very much embarrassed by the war,” she replied, “and our
estates are much hampered.”
“You are not ruined?” asked the President.
“No, sir, but we do not feel that we should give up anything we have
left.”
The President, after some reflection, then said: “There are more battles
yet to be fought, and I think God would prefer that your church be
devoted to the care and alleviation of the sufferings of our poor
fellows. So, madam, you will excuse me. I can do nothing for you.”
Afterward, in speaking of this incident, President Lincoln said that the
lady, as a representative of her class in Alexandria, reminded him of
the story of the young man who had an aged father and mother owning
considerable property. The young man being an only son, and believing
that the old people had outlived their usefulness, assassinated them
both. He was accused, tried and convicted of the murder. When the judge
came to pass sentence upon him, and called upon him to give any reason
he might have why the sentence of death should not be passed upon
him, he with great promptness replied that he hoped the court would be
lenient upon him because he was a poor orphan!
“BAP.” McNABB’S BOOSTER.
It is true that Lincoln did not drink, never swore, was a stranger to
smoking and lived a moral life generally, but he did like horse-racing
and chicken fighting. New Salem, Illinois, where Lincoln was “clerking,”
was known the neighborhood around as a “fast” town, and the average
young man made no very desperate resistance when tempted to join in the
drinking and gambling bouts.
“Bap.” McNabb was famous for his ability in both the raising and the
purchase of roosters of prime fighting quality, and when his birds
fought the attendance was large. It was because of the “flunking” of
one of “Bap.’s” roosters that Lincoln was enabled to make a point when
criticising McClellan’s unreadiness and lack of energy.
One night there was a fight on the schedule, one of “Bap.” McNabb’s
birds being a contestant. “Bap.” brought a little red rooster, whose
fighting qualities had been well advertised for days in advance, and
much interest was manifested in the outcome. As the result of these
contests was generally a quarrel, in which each man, charging foul play,
seized his victim, they chose Lincoln umpire, relying not only on his
fairness but his ability to enforce his decisions. Judge Herndon, in his
“Abraham Lincoln,” says of this notable event:
“I cannot improve on the description furnished me in February, 1865, by
one who was present.
“They formed a ring, and the time having arrived, Lincoln, with one hand
on each hip and in a squatting position, cried, ‘Ready.’ Into the ring
they toss their fowls, ‘Bap.’s’ red rooster along with the rest. But
no sooner had the little beauty discovered what was to be done than he
dropped his tail and ran.
“The crowd cheered, while ‘Bap.,’ in disappointment, picked him up and
started away, losing his quarter (entrance fee) and carrying home his
dishonored fowl. Once arrived at the latter place he threw his pet down
with a feeling of indignation and chagrin.
“The little fellow, out of sight of all rivals, mounted a woodpile and
proudly flirting out his feathers, crowed with all his might. ‘Bap.’
looked on in disgust.
“‘Yes, you little cuss,’ he exclaimed, irreverently, ‘you’re great on
dress parade, but not worth a darn in a fight.”’
It is said, according to Judge Herndon, that Lincoln considered
McClellan as “great on dress parade,” but not so much in a fight.