(_Founded upon the Farce of Christmas Cards._)
Scene--_A London Drawing Room._ PATERFAMILIAS _discovered reading a
paper, and_ MATERFAMILIAS _superintending the despatch of a number of
cards_.
_Mater._ (_in a tone of irritation_). I really think, JOHN, that,
considering you have nothing earthly to do this afternoon, you might
come and help me.
_Pater._ You have said that twice before, my dear. Don't you see I am
enjoying myself?
_Mater._ So like you! As if you couldn't give up that stupid paper--you
declare there's no news in it--and do me a favour!
_Pater._ (_putting down his paper_). Well, anything for a quiet life!
What is it?
_Mater._ I am sending a card to Mrs. BROWN.
_Pater._ (_taking up his paper again_). Send it.
_Mater._ My dear JOHN, _do_ attend. I want to know what I shall put
into the envelope.
_Pater._ (_giving up paper, and examining Christmas Cards with some
vague show of interest_). Oh, well--here. (_Casually picking up a
picture of a country churchyard by moonlight_). Won't this be the sort
of thing?
_Mater._ (_shocked_). How _can_ you, John! Don't you know that Mrs.
Brown lost her husband only a year ago?
_Pater._ Then why are you wishing her "A Merry Christmas"?
_Mater._ Well, you see she has married again, and so I thought of
sending her something with "A Happy New Year" in it.
_Pater._ (_taking up a card showing an owl in an ivy bush_). Why not
this?
_Mater._ Well that would be better, but then she might think that the
owl was intended for a sneer at her second husband. And then I always
like to keep the happy new year cards till Christmas is over, as you
can send them afterwards to the people who have remembered you when you
have forgotten them.
_Pater._ But you wouldn't have "A Merry Christmas," and now you object
to "A Happy New Year." What _do_ you want?
_Mater._ Can't you get something impersonal?
_Pater._ (_taking up card_). Well, here's a yacht in full sail.
_Mater._ Oh, _how_ cruel! It will remind her of her cousin who was lost
at sea!
_Pater._ (_selecting another sketch_). Then why not this bouquet of
flowers?
_Mater._ Not for worlds! One never knows what the flowers may mean, and
we might offend her.
_Pater._ (_trying again_). Well, here is a windmill.
_Mater._ My dear John, you are absolutely provoking. A windmill is
suggestive of frivolity, and I wouldn't let Mrs. Brown think that we
meant _that_ on any account.
_Pater._ (_making another selection_). Well, here's a parrot in a cage.
_Mater._ You surely are not serious? Fancy sending such a card! Why, as
everyone knows that dear Mrs. BROWN is rather talkative, all the world
would say it was an "insult."
_Pater._ (_losing patience_). Oh, hang Mrs. BROWN!
_Mater._ I am ashamed of you, JOHN! And I suppose you would hang the
cards, too! You would curse "Merry Christmas."
_Pater._ (_promptly_). That I would, and what is more, I would--well
never mind--the glad New Year!
[_Scene closing in upon an anti-seasonable squabble._
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[Illustration: _Disgusted Keeper_ (_who has just beaten up a brace or
so of Pheasants, which young Snookson has missed "clane and clever"--to
dog, which has been "going seek" and "going find" from force of
habit_). "AH, RUBY, RUBY, BAD DOG! T' HEEL, RUBY, T' HEEL! AH MUUST
APOLOGISE FOR RUBY, SIR. YOU SEE, RUBY'S BEEN ACCUSTOMED TO PICK 'EM
UP!"]
* * * * *