First, as the right of the bed-chamber is in Monsieur,—and he thinking
the bed next to the fire to be the warmest, he insists upon the
concession on the lady’s side of taking up with it.
Granted, on the part of Madame; with a proviso, That as the curtains of
that bed are of a flimsy transparent cotton, and appear likewise too
scanty to draw close, that the _fille de chambre_ shall fasten up the
opening, either by corking pins, or needle and thread, in such manner as
shall be deem’d a sufficient barrier on the side of Monsieur.
2dly. It is required on the part of Madame, that Monsieur shall lie the
whole night through in his _robe de chambre_.
Rejected: inasmuch as Monsieur is not worth a _robe de chambre_; he
having nothing in his portmanteau but six shirts and a black silk pair of
breeches.
The mentioning the silk pair of breeches made an entire change of the
article,—for the breeches were accepted as an equivalent for the _robe de
chambre_; and so it was stipulated and agreed upon, that I should lie in
my black silk breeches all night.
3dly. It was insisted upon and stipulated for by the lady, that after
Monsieur was got to bed, and the candle and fire extinguished, that
Monsieur should not speak one single word the whole night.
Granted; provided Monsieur’s saying his prayers might not be deemed an
infraction of the treaty.
There was but one point forgot in this treaty, and that was the manner in
which the lady and myself should be obliged to undress and get to
bed;—there was but one way of doing it, and that I leave to the reader to
devise; protesting as I do it, that if it is not the most delicate in
nature, ’tis the fault of his own imagination,—against which this is not
my first complaint.
Now, when we were got to bed, whether it was the novelty of the
situation, or what it was, I know not; but so it was, I could not shut my
eyes; I tried this side, and that, and turn’d and turn’d again, till a
full hour after midnight; when Nature and patience both wearing out,—O,
my God! said I.
—You have broke the treaty, Monsieur, said the lady, who had no more
slept than myself.—I begg’d a thousand pardons—but insisted it was no
more than an ejaculation. She maintained ’twas an entire infraction of
the treaty—I maintain’d it was provided for in the clause of the third
article.
The lady would by no means give up her point, though she weaken’d her
barrier by it; for in the warmth of the dispute, I could hear two or
three corking pins fall out of the curtain to the ground.
Upon my word and honour, Madame, said I,—stretching my arm out of bed by
way of asseveration.—
(I was going to have added, that I would not have trespassed against the
remotest idea of decorum for the world);—
But the _fille de chambre_ hearing there were words between us, and
fearing that hostilities would ensue in course, had crept silently out of
her closet, and it being totally dark, had stolen so close to our beds,
that she had got herself into the narrow passage which separated them,
and had advanced so far up as to be in a line betwixt her mistress and
me:—
So that when I stretch’d out my hand I caught hold of the _fille de
chambre’s_—
* * * * *