PATTY CONFESSES.
A little group of their male attendants stood in the lobby, while Mrs.
Duff-Scott and the girls put on their wraps in the cloak-room. When the
ladies reappeared, they fell into the order in which Paul, unseen in
the shadows of the street, saw them descend the steps to the pavement.
"May I come and see you to-morrow morning?" asked Mr. Yelverton of
Elizabeth, whom he especially escorted.
"Not--not to-morrow," she replied. "We shall be at Myrtle Street, and
we never receive any visitors there."
"At Myrtle Street!" exclaimed the major, who also walked beside her.
"Surely you are not going to run off to Myrtle Street to-morrow?"
"We are going there now," said she, "if we can get in. Mrs. Duff-Scott
knows."
"Let them alone," said the chaperon, looking back over her shoulder.
"If they have a fancy to go home they shall go. I won't have them
persuaded." She was as reluctant to leave them at Myrtle Street as the
major could be, but she carefully abstained, as she always did, from
interfering with their wishes when nothing of importance was involved.
She was wise enough to know that she would have the stronger hold on
them by seeming to leave them their liberty.
They were put into the carriage by their attentive cavaliers, the major
taking his now frequent box seat in order to accompany them; and Mr.
Smith and Mr. Yelverton were left standing on the pavement. Arrived
at Myrtle Street, it was found that the house was still open, and the
girls bade the elder couple an effusively affectionate and compunctious
good-night.
"And when shall I see you again?" Mrs. Duff-Scott inquired, with a
carefully composed smile and cheerful air.
"To-morrow," said Elizabeth, eagerly; "to-morrow, of course, some of
us will come." All three girls had a painful feeling that they were
ungrateful, while under obligations to be grateful, in spite of their
friend's effort to prevent it, as they stood a moment in the warm night
at their street door, and watched the carriage roll away. And yet they
were so glad to be on their own "tauri" to-night--even Eleanor, who had
grown more out of tune with the old frugal life than any of them.
They were let in by the ground-floor landlady, with whom they chatted
for a few minutes, arranging about the materials for their breakfast;
then they went upstairs to their lonely little bedrooms, where they
lit their candles and began at once to prepare for bed. They were dead
tired, they said, and wanted to sleep and not to talk.
But a full hour after their separation for the night, each one was as
wide awake as she had been all day. Elizabeth was kneeling on the floor
by her bedside, still half-dressed--she had not changed her attitude
for a long time, though the undulations of her body showed how far from
passive rest she was--when Patty, clothed only in her night-gown, crept
in, making no noise with her bare feet.
"Elizabeth," she whispered, laying her hand on her sister's shoulder,
"are you asleep?--or are you saying your prayers?"
Elizabeth, startled, lifted up her head, and disclosed to Patty's gaze
in the candle-light a pale, and strained, and careworn face, "I was
saying my prayers," she replied, with a dazed look. "Why are you out of
bed, my darling? What is the matter?"
"That is what I want to know," said Patty, sitting down on the bed.
"What is the matter with us all? What has come to us? Nelly has been
crying ever since I put the light out--she thought I couldn't hear her,
but she was mistaken--sobbing and sniffing under the bedclothes, and
blowing her nose in that elaborately cautious way--"
"Oh, poor, dear child!" interrupted the maternal elder sister, making a
start towards the door.
"No, don't go to her," said Patty, putting out her hand; "leave her
alone--she is quiet now. Besides, you couldn't do her any good. Do you
know what she is fretting about? Because Mr. Westmoreland has been
neglecting her. Would you believe it? She is caring about it, after
all--and we thought it was only fun. She doesn't care about _him_, she
couldn't do that--"
"We can't tell," interrupted Elizabeth. "It is not for us to say.
Perhaps she does, poor child!"
"Oh, she _couldn't_," Patty scornfully insisted. "That is quite
impossible. No, she has got fond of this life that we are living now
with Mrs. Duff-Scott--I have seen it, how it has laid hold of her--and
she would like to marry him so that she could have it always. That is
what _she_ has come to. Oh, Elizabeth, don't you wish we had gone to
Europe at the very first, and never come to Melbourne at all!" Here
Patty herself broke down, and uttered a little shaking, hysterical sob.
"Everything seems to be going wrong with us here! It does not look so,
I know, but at the bottom of my heart I feel it. Why did we turn aside
to waste and spoil ourselves like this, instead of going on to the life
that we had laid out--a real life, that we should never have had to be
ashamed of?"
Elizabeth was silent for a few minutes, soothing her sister's
excitement with maternal caresses, and at the same time thinking with
all her might. "We must try not to get confused," she said presently.
"Life is life, you know, Patty, wherever you are--all the other things
are incidental. And we need not try to struggle with everything at
once. I think we have done our best, when we have had anything to
do--any serious step to take--since we came to Melbourne; and in Europe
we could have done no more. It seemed right to please Mrs. Duff-Scott,
and to accept such a treasure as her friendship when it came to us in
what seemed such a providential way--did it not? It seemed so to me. It
would have been ungenerous to have held out against her--and we were
always a little given to be too proud of standing alone. It makes her
happy to have us. I don't know what work we could have done that would
have been more profitable than that. Patty"--after another thoughtful
pause--"I don't think it is that _things_ are going wrong, dear. It is
only that we have to manage them, and to steer our way, and to take
care of ourselves, and that is so trying and perplexing. God knows _I_
find it difficult! So, I suppose, does everyone."
"You, Elizabeth? _You_ always seem to know what is right. And you are
so good that you never ought to have troubles."
"If Nelly is susceptible to such a temptation as Mr. Westmoreland--Mr.
Westmoreland, because he is rich--she would not have gone far with us,
in any case," Elizabeth went on, putting aside the allusion to herself.
"Europe would not have strengthened her. It would have been all the
same. While, as for you, my darling--"
"I--I!" broke in Patty excitedly. "I should have been happy now, and
not as I am! I should have been saved from making a fool of myself if I
had gone to Europe! I should have been worth something, and able to do
something, there!"
"How can you tell, dear child? And why do you suppose you have been
foolish? _I_ don't think so. On the contrary, it has often seemed to me
that you have been the sensible one of us all."
"O, Elizabeth, don't laugh at me!" wailed Patty, reproachfully.
"I laugh at you, my darling! What an idea! I mean it, every word. You
see everything in a distorted and exaggerated way just now, because
you are tired and your nerves are over-wrought. You are not yourself
to-night, Patty. You will cheer up--we shall all cheer up--when we
have had a good sleep and a little quiet time to think things over."
"No, I am not myself, indeed," assented Patty, with moody passion. "I
am not myself at all--to be made to feel so weak and miserable!" She
put her face down in her hands and began to cry with more abandonment
at the thought of how weak she had become.
"But Patty, dearest, there must be something the matter with you," her
motherly elder sister cried, much distressed by this abnormal symptom.
"Are you feeling ill? Don't frighten me like this."
The girl laid her head upon her sister's shoulder, and there let
herself loose from all restraint. "You _know_ what is the matter," she
sobbed; "you know as well as I do what is the matter--that it is Paul
Brion who worries me so and makes me so utterly wretched."
"Paul Brion! _He_ worry you, Patty--_he_ make you wretched?"
"You have always been delicate and considerate, Elizabeth--you have
never said anything--but I know you know all about it, and how spoiled
I am, and how spoiled everything is because of him. I hate to talk of
it--I can't bear even you to see that I am fretting about him--but I
can't help it! and I know you understand. When I have had just one good
cry," she concluded, with a fresh and violent burst of tears, "perhaps
I shall get on better."
Elizabeth stared at the wall over her sister's head in dumb amazement,
evidently not deserving the credit for perspicacity accorded to her.
"Do you mean," she said slowly, "do you really mean--"
"Yes," sobbed Patty, desperate, for the moment dead to shame.
"Oh, how blind--how wickedly blind--how stupid--how selfish I have
been!" Elizabeth exclaimed, after another pause in which to collect
her shocked and bewildered faculties. "I never dreamt about it, my
darling--never, for a single moment. I thought--I always had the
settled impression that you did not like him."
"I don't like him," said Patty, fiercely, lifting herself up. "I love
him--I _love_ him! I must say it right out once, if I never speak
another word," and she bent her head back a little, and stretched out
her arms with an indescribable gesture as if she saw him standing
before her. "He is a man--a real, true, strong man--who works, and
thinks, and lives--lives! It is all serious with him, as I wanted
it to be with me--and I _might_ have been worthy of him! A little
while ago we were so near to each other--so near that we almost
_touched_--and now no two people could be farther apart. I have done
him wrong--I have been a wicked fool, but I am punished for it out of
all proportion. _He_ flirt with a married woman! What could I have
been dreaming of? Oh, how _disgusting_ I must be to have allowed such
an idea to come into my head! And yet it was only a little thing,
Elizabeth, when you come to think of it relatively--the only time I
ever really did him injustice, and it was only for a moment. No one can
always do what is right and fair without making a mistake sometimes--it
was just a mistake for want of thinking. But it has taken him from me
as completely as if I had committed suicide, and was dead and buried
and done with. It has made him _hate_ me. No wonder! If he cared about
me, I wouldn't be too proud to beg his pardon, but he doesn't--he
doesn't! And so I must face it out, or else he will think I am running
after him, and he will despise me more than he does already."
"But if he was doing no harm," said Elizabeth, soothingly, "he could
not suppose that you thought he was."
"No," said Patty, "he will never think I was so disgusting as to think
_that_ of him. But it is as bad as if he did. That at least was a
great, outrageous, downright wrong, worth fighting about, and not the
pitiful shabby thing that it appears to him. For, of course, he thinks
I did it because I was too grand to notice him while I was wearing a
fine dress and swelling about with great people. It never occurred
to me that it would be possible for him or anybody to suspect me of
_that_," said Patty, proudly, drawing herself up; "but afterwards I
saw that he could not help doing it. And ever since then it has been
getting worse and worse--everything has seemed to point to its being
so. Haven't you noticed? I never see him except I am with people who
_are_ above noticing him; and Mr. Smith--oh, what I have suffered from
Mr. Smith to-night, Elizabeth!--has all this time been thinking I was
going to marry him, and I can see now how it must have looked to other
people as if I was. Just think of it!"--with a gesture of intense
disgust. "As if any girl could stoop to that, after having had such a
contrast before her eyes! No wonder he hates me and despises me--no
wonder he looks at me as if I were the dirt beneath his feet. I wish I
were," she added, with reckless passion; "oh, my dear love, I only wish
I were!"
When she was about it, Patty cleansed her stuffed bosom thoroughly.
It was not her way to do things by halves. She rhapsodised about her
love and her lover with a wild extravagance that was proportionate
to the strained reserve and restraint that she had so long put upon
her emotions. After which came the inevitable reaction. The fit being
over, she braced herself up again, and was twice as strong-minded and
self-sufficient as before. When the morning came, and she and Elizabeth
busied themselves with housework--Eleanor being relegated to the sofa
with a sick headache--the girl who had dissolved herself in tears and
given way to temporary insanity, as she chose herself to call it, so
recently, was bright, and brusque, and cheerful, in spite of sultry
weather; and not only did she pretend, even to her confidante, that the
young man on the other side of the wall had no place in her thoughts,
but she hardened her heart to adamant against _him_, for having been
the cause of her humiliating lapse from dignity. It was quite a lucky
chance, indeed, that she did not straightway go and accept the hand
and fortune of Mr. Smith, by way of making reparation for the outrage
committed vicariously by Paul Brion on her self-respect.