(Presented by the President of the Food Trust.)
This Cook Book was invented by the President of the Food Trust with the
hope that the poor man will find therein much to comfort him since meat
and other luxuries have gone out of his life, because the Trust needs
the money.
The beauty about the dishes mentioned here is their cheapness. Let us
begin with the soup:
MOCK CHICKEN SOUP.--Take a piece of white paper and a lead pencil and
draw from memory the outlines of a hen. Then carefully remove the
feathers. Pour one gallon of boiling water into a saucepan and sprinkle
a pinch of salt on the hen's tail. Now let it simper. If the soup has a
blonde appearance stir it with a lead pencil which will make it more of
a brunette. Let it boil two hours. Then coax the hen away from the
saucepan and serve the soup hot, with a glass of ice-water on the side.
BEEF TEA.--Take the white of an egg and beat it without mercy. When it
is insensible put it in the teapot and add enough boiling water to drown
it. Let it drown about twenty minutes. Then lead the yolk of the egg
over to the teapot and push it in. Season with a small pinch of tobasco
and let it simper. Serve hot and always be sure to put a piece of lemon
in the finger bowl.
MOCK BEEFSTEAK.--Carefully remove the laces from one shoe and put them
away, because they can be used for shoe-string potatoes just as soon
as the Potato Trust gets started. Beat the shoe with a hammer for ten
minutes until its tongue stops wagging and it gets black and blue in the
face. Then put it in the frying pan and stir gently. When it begins to
sizzle add the yolk of an egg and season with parsley. Imitation parsley
can be made from green wall paper with the scissors. If there is no
green wall paper in the house speak to the landlord about it. Let it
simper. In two hours try it with a fork. If it breaks the fork it is not
done. Let it simper. Should you wish to smother it with onions, now is
your chance, because after cooking so long it is almost helpless. Serve
hot with a hatchet on the side. If there are more than four people in
the family use both shoes.
IRISH STEW.--Remove the jacket and waistcoat from a potato and put it in
a saucepan. Add three quarts of boiling water. Get a map of Ireland and
hang it on the wall directly in front of the saucepan. This will furnish
the local color for the stew. Let it boil two hours. When the potato
begins to moult it is a sign the stew is getting done. Walk easy so as
not to frighten it. Add a pinch of rhubarb and serve hot with lettuce
dressing. This is one of the best stews without meat that the Food Trust
has ever invented for the poor man.
MOCK PORK PIE.--Peel the bark carefully away from the hindquarters of a
spruce tree and remove the tenderloin. One of last year's Christmas
trees is excellent for the purpose. Chop it up fine and place in a
saucepan. Add boiling water and let it simper two hours. Season with a
pinch of salt, and if this is not satisfactory, you might also pinch a
little pepper. Put the bark in the coffee grinder and turn the handle
rapidly to the left. Add boiling water and serve with milk and sugar.
This will be a splendid joke on the Coffee Trust. The mock pork pie is
now done. Serve with lionaise dressing and tomato catsup. After dinner
eat four pepsin tablets and send for the doctor.
IMITATION APPLE FRITTERS.--First catch your fritter. Be sure that it is
a young fritter. The way to tell the age of a fritter is to count its
teeth. Remove the shell and add a pitcher of apple sauce. Place this in
a saucepan and tease it with a pinch of baking soda. Let it simper two
hours. Serve hot and smile rapidly while eating. Laughter always aids
digestion.
OX-TAIL CHOW CHOW.--To make ox-tail chow chow without an ox is one of
the best jokes in the world on the appetite. Remove the pin-feathers
from a young onion and chop it up fine, add water, stir gently and
add more water. Let it sizzle. Add more water. Always boil the water
before adding. Let it sizzle. Now remove the skum and serve hot with
watercresses on the side. This is a nice dish for a small family and at
the same time it shows what a generous nature the Food Trust has to
suggest it.
MOCK GIBLETS.--Take two rubber-neck clams and after stuffing them with
chestnuts fry them over a slow fire. The Coal Trust will see to it that
you have no trouble in getting a slow but expensive fire. Let them
sizzle. Now remove the necks from the clams and add baking soda. Let
them sizzle. Take the juice of a lemon and scatter it at the clams.
Serve hot, with pink finger bowls with your initials on them. Some
people prefer to have their initials on the clams, but such an idea is
only for the wealthy.
IMITATION PRUNE PIE.--Take a dozen knot-holes and peel them carefully.
Remove the shells and add a cup of sugar. Stir quickly and put in a hot
oven. Bake gently for six hours and then add a little Jamaica ginger.
Serve cold with tea wafers and talk fast while eating them.
BREAKFAST BACON.--Take a hat full of pine shavings and remove the
interior. Add a little sherry wine and sweeten to taste. Let them
sizzle. Sprinkle with salt and pepper and other cosmetics and let them
sizzle. Now turn them over with a spoon and serve them hot off the
griddle.
SARATOGA CHIPS.--The same as the breakfast bacon only you don't remove
the interior from the pine shavings. Just take them as Nature made them
and add a little salad oil. Serve cold with shredded onions on the side.
MOCK BAKED BEANS.--Take as many buttons as the family can afford and
remove the thread. Add pure spring water, put in a saucepan and stir
gently until you burst your buttons. Add a little flour to calm them and
let them sizzle. Serve with tomato catsup or molasses, according to the
location you find yourself living on the map.
OATMEAL PUDDING.--Take the sawdust carefully from a freshly caught board
and remove the husks. Add water and let it sizzle. Stir gently two
hours, then rest a while. Pour the contents into a saucepan and saturate
it with sugar and salt and other spices. Serve without splashing it, and
add a little cold water painted white to look like milk. This last idea
is a splendid joke on the Milk Trust.
HAMBURGER STEAK.--Always be sure to get a fresh Hamburger. There is
nothing that will reconcile a man to a vegetarian diet so quickly as an
over-ripe Hamburger. They should always be picked at the full of the
moon. To tell the age of a Hamburger look at its teeth. One row of teeth
for every year, and the limit is seven rows. Now remove the wishbone and
slice carefully. Add Wooster sauce and let it sizzle. Add a pinch of
potato salad and stir gently. Serve hot and eat fast with the eyes
closed tight.
APPLE DUMPLINGS.--Take a large sheet of blotting paper and remove the
ink. Ink is a non-conductor and discolors the palate. Borrow an apple
from the grocer and tie it up in the blotting paper. The blotting paper
will absorb the flavor from the apple in about three minutes. Now take
the apple back to the grocer and say, "Much obliged, thank you!" Cut the
blotting paper into thin slices and add water. Stir gently until it
boils over then unhook it. Serve hot and if your husband kicks say to
him bitterly: "You should have married an heiress with a Papa in the
Food Trust then you could afford to have real apples!"
IMITATION ROAST TURKEY.--Find a copy of a Thanksgiving Day newspaper and
select therefrom the fattest turkey on page 3. Now with a few kind words
coax the turkey away from the newspaper in the direction of the kitchen.
Care should be taken that the turkey does not escape in the butler's
pantry or fly up the dumb waiter, because the turkey is a very nervous
animal. Once you get the turkey in the kitchen lock the door and prepare
the stuffing. The best stuffing for a turkey is chestnuts, which you can
obtain by tearing a few pages from "The Life and Anecdotes of an After
Dinner Speaker." Now remove the wishbone carelessly and make a wish.
Then coax the turkey over to the gas stove and push it in. Let it sizzle
for four hours and serve hot by a Russian waiter and with Japanese
napkins.
MOCK CELERY.--Take an old whiskbroom and remove the handle. If the
handle is made of wood keep it, because it can be turned into breakfast
food the first time you see a sawmill. Now remove the wire from the
whiskbroom and sprinkle with baking soda. Serve cold with a pinch of
salt on the northwestern end.
MOCK CLAMS.--Take a rubber shoe and slice carefully. Add a dash of
tobasco and stir gently. When the shoe occupies the same shape as a
dozen rubber-neck clams serve with vanilla wafers and horseradish.