[Illustration]
She was a blonde lady with one of those _embonpoint_ faces which
must cost a good deal to keep in repair.
The hero was a young gentleman with a sweet expression and a forehead
which had moved into his hair when it was very young.
I don't know which was the villain, but I have my suspicions that it was
the usher who gave me a seat.
I was interpolated in between a fat man who spoke with an onion accent
and a narrow-headed man who whistled softly to himself all the evening
without taking 32 bars rest.
My enjoyment under these circumstances was delicious.
The story of the Opera was simple.
A lot of young ladies all ready to go in bathing changed their minds and
came out on the stage.
Then a tall gentleman came out and warbled at them and the young ladies
went away.
Perhaps he belonged to the crusaders on vice.
Then the lady that drew the largest salary came out and made goo-goo
eyes at the tall gentleman.
He was so embarrassed that he walked right down to the footlights and
took a couple of high notes.
She took the same.
Then four people came out on the stage and yelled together with so much
earnestness that the women in the boxes had an attack of nervous
exclamation, and the way they talked about whoever was not present was
pitiful.
When you would least expect it the hero jumped on the stage and made
some quick motions with his face and arms which resulted in a solo.
The story he told was simplicity itself.
Plainer than words could make it his beautifully imported voice kept
saying "Aha! aha-eo! I-am-getting-one-thousand-dollars-a-night--tra-la-la-
la!-aha!-aha-eo! For-doing-this,--for-doing-this-with-the-pipes-I-get-one-
thousand-plunks-oh-plunks-per-night-aha!-aha-eo!"
Then the soprano responded with much emotion from the orchestra, "Ditto,
ditto, ditto! me too, me too! oo-oo-me too!"
It was delicious.
But just then came the bitter moment when all my deliciousness was
crushed because the narrow-headed man on my left switched softly into
"Hiawatha" with a few personal additions to the coda.
So I stood up and went home.
[Illustration: "H--It takes a real hero to laugh with an empty stomach."]
He laughs best who laughs with a full stomach.
How many people in this world are being coaxed when it's a club they
need!
Here are two things any man can find in the dark--a carpet tack and a
limburger sandwich.
"Handsome is as handsome does them"--the motto of the bunco steerer.
* * * * *
###
H: The eighth letter of the alphabet, which is all broken up because
Englishmen have dropped it so often. (Get ap!)
###
* * * * *
HA! An exclamation of surprise used in connection with other dark blue
words when you step on a tack.
HA, HA! Something the world tries to give you on the slightest
provocation.
[Illustration]
HAIR. The fur that pays a temporary visit to a man's head for the
purpose of falling out later on.
HARD JOB. Trying to live without working.
HARD WORK. The sugar of life, but it is surprising how many people
prefer lemons.
HEALTH. The ability to eat meat for breakfast without having to rush to
the drugstore.
HEAT. A scheme invented by Nature for the purpose of sending human
beings to the seashore, the mountains and the hospital. It is from the
Latin words "_Gee Whizzibus Aintit Fierceibus?_"--which means much
or little, according to the size of the hotel you stop at.
HERO. A person whom we all delight to honor because the facts in the
case prevent us from throwing the hammer at him. A man who goes into
history and cannot get out again.
HIGHBALL. A drink in the hand which is worth two headache powders in the
drugstore.
HOG. A man who thinks everybody should move over and give him the end
seat.
HONESTY. The best policy after they catch you trying the others. The
excuse that a politician always has up his sleeve.
HOPE. A firm belief in to-morrow with the ability to take gracefully a
transfer to the day after to-morrow.
HORSE-SHOW. A place where the women show the horse that he has no show.
Society's parade grounds, where one dress is as good as another until
the price is known.
[Illustration]
HUSBAND. A domestic animal, invented for the purpose of giving a wife
something to worry about. See _Fourflush_. Also look in the
discard.
HUMIDITY. Something which comes in through the window and goes out
through the pores. A warm proposition any way you take it. A
brother-in-law to Torture and a half-sister to Hades.
The word comes from the Swedish language, "_Sockett Toodem_," which
means "_Melt, you Spitzbuben, melt!_"
HYPOCRITE. A knocker which is out of order except when your back is
turned.
[Illustration: "I--When two people quarrel and smile at the same time,
the third person can go for the separation papers."]
It is a wise son that owes his own father.
It takes a lot of money to teach a Duke how to love an American heiress.
If we could see ourselves as others see us many of us would wear a mask.
It takes three people to engineer a quarrel--two to make it and one to
run for a policeman.
* * * * *
###
I: The ninth letter of the alphabet. Used principally by touchers in
connection with O and U. Thus, I. O. U.
###
* * * * *
ICE. A substance the world uses to put a damper on swelled heads.
IGNORANCE. A lack of knowledge. For instance: The man who never heard of
a microbe sometimes has the colic, but he never gets appendicitis.
(Milton, page 7.)
IMPOSSIBILITY. A stuttering man trying to make a bluff.
[Illustration]
INCONGRUITY. A man who prays with such noise in Sunday School that he
sprains his voice and then goes home and beats his child for talking too
loud on the Sabbath day.
INDOLENT. A lazy man just before he becomes a loafer.
IRONY OF FATE. A man with an invitation to a beefsteak dinner who has to
stay home because his wife has acute indigestion.
INDIAN COMMISSIONER. The gentleman who invented the idea of opening up
barber shops near the Indian reservations, so that Lo could get his hair
clipped by a reaping machine once every year, whether he needed it or
not.
* * * * *
The idea of Marconi's wireless telegraph system pales into
insignificance before the idea of coaxing a wild Indian away from the
reservation and running the remorseless horse-clippers over the wild
foliage to which his head has been acclimated these many years.
This is a noble suggestion, and no doubt the Indians will take kindly to
the barbers and pay them much attention even if their tommyhawks and
scalping knives are a little dull at first.
In the dramatic language of the plains Biff Hawkins, of Spotted Dog,
Idaho, thus describes the opening of the first barber shop in the
vicinity of an Indian reservation:
"Hist!"
The speaker was the bootblack in one of those handsome hand-painted
barber shops which a loving government at Washington has placed at
intervals along the border of the Indian Reservation.
"What is it, Mike?" said Sniffles, the barber.
"Hist!"
Again that ominous word, and Mike pointed feverishly at the distant
horizon.
On it an Indian was walking, steadfastly, onward, onward, onward!
Remorseless as a gas bill the Indian came onward to the barber shop.
Sniffles, the barber, jumped quickly into his armor-plated working
clothes, and Mike, with a sad smile of farewell, crawled into the
cyclone cellar and closed the steel doors.
The Indian entered the barber shop.
"You are next!" said Sniffles, politely.
"I know it," said the Indian; "but I was put next only an hour
ago--hence the delay. The bay rum, please!"
"You want it for the hair?" inquired the barber.
"No, I want it for a souse," said the Indian.
"Get in the chair, please!" said the barber.
"Man-Behind-The-Snip-Snap speaks foolish," said the Indian. "I am not
for a hair cut; I am for that bay rum idea. Heap thirst! Don't keep me
waiting!"
The barber turned pale as the awful truth flashed across him.
"What is your name?" he said painfully.
"Man-Afraid-Of-A-Shampoo," said the Indian, sullenly.
"Nice Indian! pretty Indian! good Indian! You are not compelled to get
your hair cut, you know!" said the barber, wishing to avoid bloodshed.
"Paleface give me heap pain," said Man-Afraid-Of-A-Shampoo, fiercely.
Sniffles, the barber, trembled and believed him.
"Ugh!" said the Indian.
"Ugh!" has the same meaning in Indian as the word "Oof!" has in English.
"When I came in paleface said I was next," said Man-Afraid-Of-A-Shampoo.
"Well, I am next to this business. You have bay rum and I have a
thirst--let us get together!"
"But the bay rum is used only on the outside of the head," said the
barber.
"I have original ideas about bay rum," said the Indian, "therefore I
have decided to use it on the inside of my neck!"
"But bay rum is five cents extra with a hair cut," whispered the barber.
It was his last whisper in that shop.
Shouting the battle cry of the Cherokees, the Indian, grabbed the bay
rum bottle and poured it carefully over his thirst.
[Illustration]
This was followed by a bottle of hair tonic, which seemed to go to his
head.
Then the Indian swallowed a bottle of whisker dye and all seemed to grow
black before him.
The barber groaned in agony.
It was thrilling.
When last seen the Indian was drinking a bottle of dry shampoo and
foaming at the mouth, while he blessed the White Father at Washington
for inventing the barber shop.
That afternoon Sniffles, the barber, and Mike, his under secretary,
walked back to Washington and handed in their resignation to the
Interior Department.
[Illustration: "J--The Tip End of the season."]
Jolly not that you be not jollied.
Justice is blind for the reason that some lawyers would give her a pain
if she could see them.
Journeys end in porter tippings.
Just as you value yourself justly just that much are you valuable.
* * * * *
###
J: The tenth letter of the alphabet, used almost exclusively to
designate a Reub with rubber in the neck--whatever that may be.
###
[Illustration: JAY]
* * * * *
JAG. See gold cure. If that hasn't any effect, see an undertaker.
JOCKEY. A hero or a slob--it all together depends on where the horse
finishes.
JOKE. Something that's extremely clever--when we make it ourselves.
[Illustration.]
JOLLY. Flattery with a smile on its face.
JOLT. The thing a man gets who thinks he knows it all.
JOY. Gladness with the lid off.
JUG. A place to keep the material before it becomes a jag.
JUDGMENT. An ability which some men get credit for having when in
reality they are merely lucky at guessing things.
JUSTICE. The name we give it when the verdict is the way we want it.
[Illustration: "K--A Small boy can spoil the most favorable
circumstance."]
Kisses go by favorable circumstances.
Kidders are as happy as kids till somebody kids them.
Keep a stiff upper lip--especially when you're shaving yourself.
Knockers never have weak lungs.
* * * * *
###
K: The eleventh letter of the alphabet, pronounced K, as in Knuckle.
###
* * * * *
KEEN. A grafter with a victim in sight.
KENO. What the grafter says when he's through with the victim.
KEEP. The motto of the Trusts.
KEY. An instrument used at 2 A.M. in connection with a door to determine
whether a man is sober or not.
[Illustration]
KEROSENE. An ambitious substance used by cooks when they want to go out
through the kitchen roof.
KICKER. A man with a grouch on the inside and a voice on the outside.
KISS. A sigh set to music. The oldest monopoly in the world with the
exception of John D. Rockerfeller. A kiss is the soul's cocktail. A
wireless message from he to she, with a little peaches and cream on the
side.
[Illustration]
KNOCKER. A hurdle in the way of the worthy. A chin-critic. An expert
with the harpoon.
[Illustration: "L--When a man is so lazy that he won't talk he is
called profound."]
Love laughs at everybody except the girl's Papa.
Laziness generally attacks every part of a man except his tongue.
Lots of men spend two dollars' worth of worry over the loss of a
quarter.
Look around and you'll see that the world likes to side with the man who
has the cash.
* * * * *
###
L: The twelfth letter of the alphabet, captured some years ago for the
purpose of describing the Elevated Railroad.
###
* * * * *
LABOR. Trying to get back the money you loaned.
[Illustration]
LADY. A gentleman woman.
LAMB. A young mutton-head that goes into Wall Street.
LARK. A bird of a name given to a bird of a time.
LIGHT. An excuse used by the Gas Company to collect money.
LITERARY FAILURE. A man whose brain was unfit for publication.
[Illustration]
LOBSTER. A shine after he gets in the swim.
LOAFER. A man who believes the world owes him a living and sends another
man to collect it.
LOVE. A certain party who is supposed to be blind, but he doesn't seem
to have much trouble in finding someone to lead him around.
[Illustration: "M--One experiment that few are willing to make."]
Money cannot buy happiness, but most of us are willing to make the
experiment.
Many people would take a short walk on the road to ruin if they were
sure their friends wouldn't see them.
Money is the root of much friendship.
Marry in haste and repent in Dakota.
* * * * *
####
M: The thirteenth letter of the alphabet, which very few people use
because thirteen is unlucky.
####
* * * * *
MACARONI. An excuse for opening an Italian restaurant.
MAP. That part of the human face which is visible above the collar.
[Illustration]
MARVEL. A man who never tells you his troubles.
MEDAL. A gold or silver dingus which you get for doing something you
intended to do anyway.
MEDDLER. The fellow who butts in and says you're not entitled to a
medal.
MISER. A man who has all the money he wants but wants more.
MONEY. Something which talks, but a poor man can't keep it long enough
to know what it says.
[Illustration: 1/1000 MICROBE ENLARGED]
MICROBE. A very small animal that devotes all its energy to moving
into the system of an entire stranger. Once in it begins to do light
housekeeping on the aforementioned stranger's epiglottis. (For the
meaning of epiglottis consult the first doctor you meet. If he doesn't
tell you he's no gentleman.)
[Illustration: N ]
No matter how many good things our friends say about us, we are never
surprised.
Nothing is so astonishing to us as another man's success.
Needless to say, a friend in need is a friend in the soup.
Nothing ventured nothing wonderful.
* * * * *
###
N: The fourteenth letter of the alphabet, sometimes called a nasal by
those who ought to know better.
###
* * * * *
NABOB. A man who can put on a new suit of clothes every fifteen minutes.
NATION. A large principality ready to go to war at a moment's notice.
For example: Carrie Nation.
NATURE. Something which makes no mistakes, with the exception of a
crowded street car.
NECESSITY. The mother of many an empty stomach.
[Illustration]
NECK. A place to get it in.
NEXT. The battle cry in a barber shop before blood is shed.
NIT. An abbreviation of Nix.
NIX. An abbreviation of Nit.
NOPE. An abbreviation of No!
[Illustration]
NOISE. The sound of a new suit of clothes on a loud man.
NODDLE. The place where some people think they think.
NOVEL. A book that sells better than it reads.
[Illustration: "O--A well balanced Head."]
Of two evils choose the one least likely to be talked about.
Oh, yes, the man with a jag can hold on to the fence, but he can't hold
on to his reputation.
Opportunity is something a Fool waits for while the Wise Guy runs down
the road to meet it.
Occasionally we meet men who have to part their hair in the middle in
order to have a well-balanced head.
* * * * *
###
O: The fifteenth letter of the alphabet, used principally by the Irish
in front of their names.
###
* * * * *
OH! The mild-mannered sister of Ouch!
OATS. A substance invented by Nature and intended for a breakfast food,
but because pine shavings are cheaper it is now obsolete.
OBEY. A word put in the marriage service for the purpose of giving the
parties of the first part something to kick about.
[Illustration]
OCULIST. A man many young people should consult who think they have
fallen in love at first sight.
OIL. See John D. Rockerfeller--if you can.
OLD HEN. The pet name a man has for his wife because she rules the
roost.
OLIVE. A green grape dropped in a cocktail so the customer can pull it
out with his fingers. See _Cherry_.
ONION. A noisy vegetable eaten principally by people who sit next to us
in street cars.
OPERA. A device used for the purpose of making a fortune for a good
singer.
OPPORTUNITY. Something never seen until it is not there to be looked at.
ORIGINALITY. The gift some people have of saying the bright things which
we intended to think about later on.
OSLER. A modern abbreviation of chloroform. An up to date bogie man
invented for the purpose of chasing "has-beens" to the woods.
OSLERESQUE. The state of being ready for _Oslerizing_. See any man
over forty.
OSLERISM. The art of picking out a fit subject for the _Osler_
treatment. "You can lead an old man into a drugstore but you can't make
him drink chloroform." (Tupper's Proverbial Philosophy, page 19.)
OSLERIZE. To pour chloroform over an old man's breakfast food and
telephone for the undertaker.
OSLERITIS. An attack of hysteria which broke out at a banquet and became
epidemic in the newspapers.
OSLEROOZA. A man who believes in _Oslerism_. He is generally a
young man in love with a girl whose Papa is over forty and who wears No.
11 shoes of a high voltage.
OSLERETTA. A young woman who believes in _Oslerism_. She is the
same girl whose Papa has just been mentioned.
[Illustration: "P--Philosophy makes good reading for the man who has
his rent paid."]
Perseverance is the root of all money.
Perhaps you have met the man who is so wrapped up in himself that he
thinks he is a warm baby.
Pleasure travels with a brass band, but Trouble sneaks in on rubber
shoes.
Philosophers do not believe half the things they tell themselves.
* * * * *
###
P: The sixteenth letter of the alphabet, used principally in pickled
peppers.
###
* * * * *
PAINT. A polite name for balloon juice. See the bartender.
PALPITATION OF THE TONGUE. A disease that affects many women.
PATRIOT. A man who spends all his money for fireworks for the little boy
and doesn't hold out $2 for the doctor's bill.
PATHOS. A poor man laughing at his rich wife's poor joke.
PEACH. A bit of domestic fruit, consisting of blonde tresses, a dimple,
and three bows of pink ribbon.
PEEKABOO. A summer idea invented for the purpose of making a girl's
shirtwaist something like a barb-wire fence with a full view of the
scenery. It is constructed by making one stitch and forgetting seven.
The Peekaboo is the only friend the mosquito has on earth.
PENITENTIARY. An assembly hall which always plays to a full house
because whiskey is it's advance agent.
PHILOSOPHER. A man who can size himself up and forget the result.
PLAN. Something which any fool can lay, but it takes patience like a hen
to hatch it.
PLEASURE. Fun you have to-day so you can worry over it to-morrow.
[Illustration]
POETICAL LICENSE. A woman who weighs 275 pounds and listens to the name
of Birdie.
POLITICS. The place where a man gets it--sometimes in the neck,
sometimes in the bank.
POLITICIAN. The reason we have so much politics.
POPULARITY. The cold storage house where the world sends her favorites
before she forgets them.
POSTERITY. A lot of people who will forget all about you before they are
born.
PRACTICAL JOKE. When Nature makes a pink lobster look like a man.
PREDICTION. A bit of funny business invented by the Weather Man for the
purpose of playing tiddledewinks with the weather. He says what he
thinks it will be and then the weather is what it pleases.
[Illustration]
PROMISE. What a man says to a woman or a child to keep them quiet.
PRUDE. A female lady who wishes someone will say something so she can
blush to listen and listen to blush.
[Illustration: "Q--Young writers Outfit."]
Quitters cannot be trained to quit quitting.
Queer, isn't it, that the lazier a man gets the more he wants to work
somebody else.
Quotation marks cover a multitude of plagiarists.
Qualmless consciences are fashionable nowadays.
* * * * *
###
Q: The seventeenth and the most hunted letter in the alphabet, because
it is always followed by u.
###
* * * * *
QUACK. A doctor who ducks the law.
QUARREL. Something that shouldn't be picked before it's ripe.
QUART. The amount of wine a sport always wants to open.
QUIRE. A bunch of singers in a church. Sometimes called _Choir_,
sometimes called down. See Scrap, fight, jealousy.
[Illustration]
QUIVER. To shake for the drinks.
QUITTER. A man who stops before he gets started.
[Illustration: "R--The Rolling Stone at the Bottom of the Hill."]
Remember--you can fool some of the people all the time if you care to
spend your money that way.
Reasons may be found for everything except why does a woman get off a
street car backwards.
Race suicide doesn't appeal to poor people.
Rolling stones gather no moss but look at the excitement they have.
* * * * *
###
R: The eighteenth letter of the alphabet, used principally to began
a college yell; thus, Rah! Rah! Rah!
###
* * * * *
[Illustration]
RAG. A material invented for chewing purposes.
RAKE. A man-about-town after he gets shop worn.
RARE. The way you get roast beef when you order it well done.
REFORM. A bird which is always flying towards us but which never gets
here.
RETRIBUTION. A man who marries for money and finds it is all in
Confederate bills.
[Illustration]
RICHES. Something which is said to have wings, but I can't prove it,
because they never flew my way.
ROYSTERER. A man who sowed so much wild oats in his youth that he has to
eat cracked oats in his age.
[Illustration]
RACE-SUICIDE. A disease which was cured by T. Roosevelt, Esquire, when
he invented an idea for the purpose of giving nursemaids steady
employment. For instance:
Rondeau.
There was a nice old lady and
She lived within her shoe;
She had so many children that
She didn't know what to do.
She wrote the President and said
"I have twenty kids or more!"
The President replied to her
"Encore, old girl, encore!"
She answered, "I've no room at home
For more, so I am through!"
And he replied, "Why don't you go
And get another shoe?"
--Sir Walter Scott, page 96.
RIDDLE. A question-mark gone mad. A foolish member of the Interrogation
family whose most fiendish offspring is "How old is Ann?" Some examples:
* * * * *
Ann's father sends his pitcher to the well; Mary's father sends his
pitcher to the saloon; how much money has Ann's father saved?
Ann's mother has just finished reading a very beautiful story. Mary's
mother sent over and borrowed the book. How old will Ann's mother be
when the book gets back?
Ann's little brother is entertaining Ann's sweetheart in the parlor.
Ann's little brother has just told Ann's sweetheart how old Ann is. How
long did Ann's sweetheart remain after he learned the bitter truth?
Ann has a brother by the name of James. James wrote two letters, one to
his wife and one to his lady typewriter. Ten minutes after mailing them
he discovered that the right letter was in the wrong envelope. Which
train did James take and when does Ann expect him back?
Ann took a dollar bill and went to a department store. She saved twenty
cents for car fare and spent eighty cents for lunch. What were the
clerks swearing at after Ann went out?
Ann had dark hair but she put peroxide on it to frighten it lighter.
Ann's hair became angry at the peroxide and got up and left her head.
Why does Ann converse with callers through the speaking tube?
Ann's friend Mary has seven brothers. One of them paints sawdust in
a delicatessen factory at twelve dollars per. The other six play the
races. What time does the dinner bell ring and who squares it with the
grocer?
Ann has another friend by the name of Ellen. Ellen's father has one
sitting room and four daughters. The four daughters are engaged to four
nice young gentlemen. At what time in the evening does papa and mamma
crawl out of the dumb waiter and how much is the gas bill?
Ann rode home in the Elevated Rough House at the twilight hour.
Eighty-seven gentlemen were there hiding behind eighty-seven newspapers.
Ann joined a strap and swung to and fro. How old was Ann when she
received a seat?
[Illustration: "S--The black Sheep."]
Some people's talk is too cheap at any price.
Some men are just like a mule, because they kick at the wrong time.
Some people save up their money for a rainy day and finally decide that
a foggy day is a good enough excuse to spend it.
Scandal is the black sheep in the family of Love.
* * * * *
###
S: The nineteenth letter of the alphabet, which is called a sibilant,
because it makes a hissing sound like a goose.
###
[Illustration]
* * * * *
SALOON. Something which can be opened on credit, but it takes cash to
start a church.
SARCASM. A thirty-dollar Panama hat on a thirty-cent man.
SATAN. An accommodating chap who picks out cosey-corners in his
hot-house for the men that brag about being such devils among the women.
SCEPTIC. A man who will stop to see if there is a microbe in a kiss.
SEASHORE. A violent disease which breaks out all over people when the
weather gets warm. The cure costs anywhere from $2 to $15 per day,
according to the mood the landlord is in.
SINCERITY. What our friends think about us when our backs are turned.
SPECULATION. Paying a nickle for a seat in a street-car and then waiting
till you get it.
STUBBORNNESS. A man who knows he is wrong but believes he is right for
personal reasons.
SUCKERS. The bait used by those who go fishing for compliments.
[Illustration]
SUCCESS. Failure kicked to pieces by hard work. A man who can make
enough noise when he wins out to drown the voices of the knockers.
Something which can be caught if a man only runs long enough.
SWIFTNESS. The manner in which a fool and his rich wife's money are
parted.
SYNONYM. A lazy man trying to win success and a hen trying to lay a
corner-stone.
SEAT. A mythical place in a street car where many are called but few are
chosen. For instance:
Little Jack Horner
Sat in a corner
Riding down town on the "L."
He jumped to his feet
Gave a lady his seat--
I'm a liar, but don't it sound well.
--Oliver Goldsmith, page 34.
SARDINE-CAR. A term of endearment given to crowded street cars.
* * * * *
Marcus Aurelius thus describes the sardine-car in his "Meditations"--see
page 946--as follows:
The sardine-cars consist of fifty people trying to squeeze into a space
that was built only for a Pajama hat and two newspapers.
The seats in the sardine-cars run sideways; the passengers run edgeways,
and the life insurance agents run any old way when they see these cars
coming.
[Illustration]
The sardine-car is the best genteel imitation of a rough-house that has
ever been invented.
The are called "Sardine Cars" because the conductor has to let the
passengers out with a can-opener.
Brave and strong men climb into a street car and they are full of health
and life and vigor, but a few blocks up the road they fall out backwards
and inquire feebly for a sanitarium.
To ride on the street cars in a big city of an evening brings out all
that is in a man, including a lot of loud words he didn't know he had.
The last census shows us that the street cars in the city of New York
have more ways of producing nervous prostration and palpitation of the
brain to the square inch than the combined population of Amsterdam,
Rotterdam, Tinkersdam and Gotterdammerung.
To get in some of the street cars about six o'clock is a problem, and to
get out again is an assassination.
One evening I rode from Forty-second Street to Fifty-ninth without once
touching the floor with my feet.
Part of the time I used the outposts of a stout gentleman to come
between me and the ground, and during the rest of the occasion I hung on
to a strap and swung out wild and free, like the Japanese flag on a
windy day.
Some of our street cars lead a double life, because they are used all
winter to act the part of a refrigerator.
It is a cold day when we cannot find it colder in the street cars.
In Germany we find Germans in the cars, but in America we find germs.
That is because this country is young and impulsive.
The germs in the street cars are extremely sociable and will often
follow a stranger all the way home.
Often while riding in the street cars I have felt a germ rubbing against
my ankle like a kitten, but being a gentleman, I did not reach down and
kick it away because the law says we must not be disrespectful to the
dumb brutes of the field.
Many of our street cars are made out of the same idea as a can of
condensed milk.
The only difference is that the street cars have a sour taste like a
lemon squeezer.
When you get out you cannot get in and when you get in you cannot get
out because you hate to disturb the strange gentleman that is using your
knee to lean over.
[Illustration]
Between the seats there is a space of two feet, but in that space you
will always find four feet and their owners, unless one of them happens
to have a wooden leg. Under ordinary circumstances four into two won't
go, but the sardine-cars defy the laws of gravitation.
A sardine-car conductor can put twenty-six into nine and still have four
to carry.
The idea of expansion which is now used by our Congress was suggested by
one of these sardine-cars.
The ladies of America have started a rebellion against the sardine-cars,
but every time they start it the conductor pulls the bell and leaves the
rebellious standing on the corner.
We are a very nervous and careless people in America. To prove how
careless we are I will cite the fact that Manhattan Island is called
after a cocktail.
This nervousness is our undoing because we are always in such a hurry to
get somewhere that we would rather take the first car and get squeezed
into breathlessness than wait for the next which would likely squeeze us
into insensibility.
Breathlessness can be cured, but insensibility is dangerous without an
alarm clock.
For a man with a small dining-room the sardine-car has its advantages,
but when a stout man rides in them he finds himself supporting a lot of
strangers he never met before.
One morning I jumped on one of those sardine-cars feeling just like a
two-year-old, full of health and happiness.
During the first seven blocks three men fresh from a distillery grew up
in front of me and removed the scenery.
One of them had to get out in a hurry so he kicked me on the shins to
show how sorry he was to leave me.
One of the other two must have been in the distillery a long time
because pretty soon he neglected to use his memory and sat down in my
lap.
When I remonstrated with him he replied that this is a free country and
if he wished to sit down I had no business to stop him.
Then his friend pulled us apart and I resumed the use of my lap.
During the next twenty blocks I had one of the worst daylight nightmares
I ever rode behind.
The party which had been studying the exhibits in the distillery got the
idea in his head that my foot was the loud pedal on a piano and he
started to play the overture from _William Tell_ until I yelled
"W'at'ell!"
That man was such a hard drinker that he gave me the gout just from
standing on my feet.
Then I jumped off and swore off and swore at and walked home.
If the man who invented the idea of standing up between the seats in a
sardine-car is alive he should have a monument.
My idea would be to catch him alive and place the monument on him and
have the conductor come around every ten minutes for his fare.
Then the punishment would have a fit like the crime.
[Illustration: "T--Blue sky of a Greenish Hue."]
The man with plenty of money has friends to burn and when he goes broke
he finds he has burned most of them.
The sky always looks blue when we look at it through a roll of bills.
The mud slinger never has clean hands.
The way of the transgressor is hard on his family.
* * * * *
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T: The twentieth letter of the alphabet, so called because the author
of the alphabet always drank coffee.
###
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TABLE. A wooden arrangement covered with green cloth around which
certain parties gather for the purpose of taking each other's money. See
_gambling_. You might, incidentally, see the police if they don't
see you first.
TACT. The art of knowing just when to laugh at a rich man's joke.
TALENT. The ability to know how to keep still at the right moment.
TEMPER. Something you should keep, otherwise the man you show it to may
hand it back to you with a short-arm jab.
TEMPTATION. The banana peel in a man's brain that causes him to slip.
THE LAUGH. Something which should always be on the other fellow.
TO-MORROW. The only day in the year that appeals to a lazy man.
THERMOMETER. A machine invented by a drugstore proprietor for the
purpose of driving humanity to drink.
[Illustration]
TROUBLE. The only thing which a man borrows and wants to pay back in a
hurry. The place where a man finds his head when he loses it.
TROUBLE HUNTER. A man who always comes home with a game-bag full.
TRUTH. The kind words our enemies say about us. Something which never
figures in politics because it forgets to register.
[Illustration: "U--Both Ends."]
Undoubtedly the man that burns the candle at both ends is light-headed.
Usually you'll find that self-made men spend the rest of their lives
talking about home industry.
Uneasy looks the face that wears a frown.
Unfortunately, many a Prince of Good Fellows loses his title when his
pocketbook runs dry.
* * * * *
###
U: The twenty-first letter of the alphabet, about which there is some
scandal because it is always tagging after Q.
###
* * * * *
[Illustration]
UMPIRE. A guessing machine used and abused in and about a baseball game.
UNHAPPY. The man who knows it all with nobody to tell it to.
UNSELFISHNESS. To be able to read of a neighbor's success without
reaching for the harpoon. A man who will give his last cigar to a
stranger and then go home and kick his wife on the shins because she
spent forty cents for baby's new shoes.
UNDERTAKER. A man who gets the laugh on those who take life as a joke.
[Illustration: "V--Ideas Expressed."]
Vanity is the raw material from which hot air is manufactured.
Victors get the spoils, but the spoils generally spoil the victors.
Very true is it that the man without ideas always expresses them.
Valuable time is often wasted by men of little value.
* * * * *
###
V: The twenty-second letter of the alphabet, used as a pet name for
a five-dollar bill.
###
* * * * *
VACATION. The time of the year which a young man looks forward to with
his hand on his heart; goes through with his hand on his pocketbook, and
looks back on with both hands on his head and no skin on his nose.
VACANT. The top story of a snob.
[Illustration]
VANITY. The name of the machinery that makes our swelled heads.
VERSATILITY. The ability of a woman to wear a tight shoe and a loose
smile at the same time.
VICE VERSA. To sleep with one's head at the foot of the bed and one's
feet at the head of the bed. See _Jag_ and _Soused_.
VIRTUE. Its own reward, but many people don't care to handle such a
small amount.
VULGARIANS. People who go through the world like a lot of automobiles,
with rubberneck tires and gasoline in their garrets, and noise, noise,
noise.
[Illustration: "W--Smile, please!"]
When a man is his own worst enemy the fight is always to a finish.
Whiskey is the name of the photographer that can make a high-priced man
look like 30 cents.
When a man sits around waiting for something to turn up Fortune always
turns him down.
When a man is anxious to keep your secret keep him anxious.
* * * * *
###
W: The twenty-third letter of the alphabet, which wasn't treated very
well in the matter of a name.
###
* * * * *
WAD. A roll of bills with a rubber band around it. This is a wonderful
weapon in the hands of a steady spender.
WAR. An excuse for talking about the dove of peace.
[Illustration]
WEALTH. To have money enough to support an automobile that goes the pace
that kills.
WEATHER MAN. A machine disguised as a human being who tries to play
tiddlewinks with the weather. He tells the weather what to do, and the
weather does as it pleases. A machine which says, "Cooler to-morrow,
with westerly winds," but means something different. The idea comes from
the Latin words "_Guessa Gain_," which mean, "I am paid to tell the
truth, but I don't need the money."
WHISKEY. Old Mother Misery's dare-devil son.
WORRY. A lot of unwelcome thoughts which refuse to remain unthinkable.
[Illustration: "X--The Old School."]
Xperience is the name of the concern which opened the first night
school.
Xplanations quite often are old-fashioned lies disguised in good
fashion.
Xpostulation often leads to the ambulance.
Xperience teaches some people to go and do the same fool thing over
again.
* * * * *
###
X: The twenty-fourth letter of the alphabet. It was so late getting in
that very few words are fastened to it.
###
* * * * *