IN WHICH SEVERAL IMPORTANT MATTERS ARE ARRANGED, AND GILLIE WHITE
UNDERGOES SOME REMARKABLE AND HITHERTO UNKNOWN EXPERIENCES.
It is not necessary to inflict on the reader Mrs Stoutley's dinner in
detail; suffice it to say, that Captain Wopper conducted himself, on the
whole, much more creditably than his hostess had anticipated, and made
himself so entertaining, especially to Lewis, that that young gentleman
invited him to accompany the family to Switzerland, much to the
amusement of his cousin Emma and the horror of his mother, who, although
she enjoyed a private visit of the Captain, did not relish the thought
of his becoming a travelling companion of the family. She pretended not
to hear the invitation given, but when Lewis, knowing full well the
state of her mind, pressed the invitation, she shook her head at him
covertly and frowned. This by-play her son pretended not to see, and
continued his entreaties, the Captain not having replied.
"Now, do come with us, Captain Wopper," he said; "it will be such fun,
and we should all enjoy you _so_ much--wouldn't we, Emma?" ("Yes,
indeed," from Emma); "and it would just be suited to your tastes and
habits, for the fine, fresh air of the mountains bears a wonderful
resemblance to that of the sea. You've been accustomed no doubt to
climb up the shrouds to the crosstrees; well, in Switzerland, you may
climb up the hills to any sort of trees you like, and get shrouded in
mist, or tumble over a precipice and get put into your shroud
altogether; and--"
"Really, Lewie, you ought to be ashamed of making such bad puns,"
interrupted his mother. "Doubtless it would be very agreeable to have
Captain Wopper with us, but I am quite sure it would be anything but
pleasant for him to travel through such a wild country with such a wild
goose as you for a companion."
"You have modestly forgotten yourself and Emma," said Lewis; "but come,
let the Captain answer for himself. You know, mother, it has been your
wish, if not your intention, to get a companion for me on this trip--a
fellow older than myself--a sort of travelling tutor, who could teach me
something of the geology and botany of the country as we went along.
Well, the Captain is older than me, I think, which is one of the
requisites, and he could teach me astronomy, no doubt, and show me how
to box the compass; in return for which, I could show him how to box an
adversary's nose, as practised by the best authorities of the ring. As
to geology and botany, I know a little of these sciences already, and
could impart my knowledge to the Captain, which would have the effect of
fixing it more firmly in my own memory; and every one knows that it is
of far greater importance to lay a good, solid groundwork of education,
than to build a showy, superficial structure, on a bad foundation.
Come, then, Captain, you see your advantages. This is the last time of
asking. If you don't speak now, henceforth and for ever hold your
tongue."
"Well, my lad," said the Captain, with much gravity, "I've turned the
thing over in my mind, and since Mrs Stoutley is so good as to say it
would be agreeable to her, I think I'll accept your invitation!"
"Bravo! Captain, you're a true blue; come, have another glass of wine
on the strength of it."
"No wine, thank 'ee," said the Captain, placing his hand over his glass,
"I've had my beer; and I make it a rule never to mix my liquor. Excuse
me, ma'am," he continued, addressing his hostess, "your son made mention
of a tooter--a travellin' tooter; may I ask if you've provided yourself
with one yet!"
"Not yet," answered Mrs Stoutley, feeling, but not looking, a little
surprised at the question, "I have no young friend at present quite
suited for the position, and at short notice it is not easy to find a
youth of talent willing to go, and on whom one can depend. Can you
recommend one?"
Mrs Stoutley accompanied the question with a smile, for she put it in
jest. She was, therefore, not a little surprised when the Captain said
promptly that he could--that he knew a young man--a doctor--who was just
the very ticket (these were his exact words), a regular clipper, with
everything about him trim, taut, and ship-shape, who would suit every
member of the family to a tee!
A hearty laugh from every member of the family greeted the Captain's
enthusiastic recommendation, and Emma exclaimed that he must be a most
charming youth, while Lewis pulled out pencil and note-book to take down
his name and address.
"You are a most valuable friend at this crisis in our affairs," said
Lewis, "I'll make mother write to him immediately."
"But have a care," said the Captain, "that you never mention who it was
that recommended him. I'm not sure that he would regard it as a
compliment. You must promise me that."
"I promise," said Lewis, "and whatever I promise mother will fulfil, so
make your mind easy on that head. Now, mother, I shouldn't wonder if
Captain Wopper could provide you with that other little inexpensive
luxury you mentioned this morning. D'you think you could recommend a
page?"
"What's a page, lad?"
"What! have you never heard of a page--a page in buttons?" asked Lewis
in surprise.
"Never," replied the Captain, shaking his head.
"Why, a page is a small boy, usually clad in blue tights, to make him
look as like a spider as possible, with three rows of brass buttons up
the front of his jacket--two of the rows being merely ornamental, and
going over his shoulders. He usually wears a man's hat for the sake of
congruity, and is invariably as full of mischief as an egg is of meat.
Can you find such an article?"
"Ha!" exclaimed the Captain. "What is he used for?"
"Chiefly for ornament, doing messages, being in the way when not wanted,
and out of the way when required."
"Yes," said the Captain, meditatively, "I've got my eye--"
"Your weather eye?" asked Lewis.
"Yes, my _weather_ eye, on a lad who'll fit you."
"To a tee?" inquired Emma, archly.
"To a tee, miss," assented the Captain, with a bland smile.
Lewis again pulled out his note-book to enter the name and address, but
the Captain assured him that he would manage this case himself; and it
was finally settled--for Lewis carried everything his own way, as a
matter of course--that Dr George Lawrence was to be written to next
day, and Captain Wopper was to provide a page.
"And you'll have to get him and yourself ready as fast as possible,"
said the youth in conclusion, "for we shall set off as soon as my
mother's trunks are packed."
Next morning, while Captain Wopper was seated conversing with his old
landlady at the breakfast-table--the morning meal having been just
concluded--he heard the voice of Gillie White in the court. Going to
the end of the passage, he ordered that imp to "come aloft."
Gillie appeared in a few seconds, nodded patronisingly to old Mrs Roby,
hoped she was salubrious, and demanded to know what was up.
"My lad," said the Captain--and as he spoke, the urchin assumed an awful
look of mock solemnity.
"I want to know if you think you could behave yourself if you was to
try?"
"Ah!" said Gillie, with the air of a cross-examining advocate, "the
keewestion is not w'ether I could behave myself if I wos to try, but,
w'ether I _think_ I could. Well, ahem! that depends. I think I could,
now, if there was offered a very strong indoocement."
"Just so, my lad," returned the Captain, nodding, "that's exactly what I
mean to offer. What d'ee say to a noo suit of blue tights, with three
rows brass buttons; a situation in a respectable family; a fair wage; as
much as you can eat and drink; and a trip to Switzerland to begin with?"
While the Captain spoke, the small boy's eyes opened wider and wider,
and his month followed suit, until he stood the very picture of
astonishment.
"You _don't_ mean it?" he exclaimed.
"Indeed I do, my lad."
"Then _I'm_ your man," returned the small boy emphatically, "putt me
down for that sitooation; send for a lawyer, draw up the articles,
_I'll_ sign 'em right _off_, and--"
"Gillie, my boy," interrupted the Captain, "one o' the very first things
you have to do in larnin' to behave yourself is to clap a stopper on
your tongue--it's far too long."
"All right, Capp'n," answered the imp, "I'll go to Guy's Hospital
d'rectly and 'ave three-fourths of it ampitated."
"Do," said the Captain, somewhat sternly, "an' ask 'em to attach a brake
to the bit that's left.
"Now, lad," he continued, "you've got a very dirty face."
Gillie nodded, with his lips tightly compressed to check utterance.
"And a very ragged head of hair," he added.
Again Gillie nodded.
The Captain pointed to a basin of water which stood on a chair in a
corner of the room, beside which lay a lump of yellow soap, a comb, and
a rough jack-towel.
"There," said he, "go to work."
Gillie went to work with a will, and scrubbed himself to such an extent,
that his skin must undoubtedly have been thinner after the operation.
The washing, however, was easy compared with the combing. The boy's mop
was such a tangled web, that the comb at first refused to pass through
it; and when, encouraged by the Captain, the urchin did at last succeed
in rending its masses apart various inextricable bunches came away
bodily, and sundry teeth of the comb were left behind. At last,
however, it was reduced to something like order, to the immense
satisfaction of Mrs Roby and the Captain.
"Now," said the latter, "did you ever have a Turkish bath?"
"No--never."
"Well, then, come with me and have one. Have you got a cap?"
"Hm--never mind, come along; you're not cleaned up yet by a long way;
but we'll manage it in course of time."
As the Captain and his small _protege_ passed along the streets, the
former took occasion to explain that a Turkish bath was a species of
mild torture, in which a man was stewed alive, and baked in an oven, and
par-boiled, and scrubbed, and pinched, and thumped (sometimes black and
blue), and lathered with soap till he couldn't see, and heated up to
seven thousand and ten, Fahrenheit and soused with half-boiling water,
and shot at with cold water--or shot into it, as the case might be--and
rolled in a sheet like a mummy, and stretched out a like corpse to cool.
"Most men," he said, "felt gaspy in Turkish baths, and weak ones were
alarmed lest they should get suffocated beyond recovery; but strong men
rather enjoy themselves in 'em than otherwise."
"Hah!" exclaimed the imp, "may I wentur' to ax, Capp'n, wot's the effect
on _boys_?"
To this the Captain replied that he didn't exactly know, never having
heard of boys taking Turkish baths. Whereupon Gillie suggested, that if
possible he might have himself cleaned in an ordinary bath.
"Impossible, my lad," said the Captain, decidedly. "No or'nary bath
would clean you under a week, unless black soap and scrubbin' brushes
was used.
"But don't be alarmed, Gillie," he added, looking down with a twinkle in
his eyes, "I'll go into the bath along with you. We'll sink or swim
together, my boy, and I'll see that you're not overdone. I'm rather
fond of them myself, d'ee see, so I can recommend 'em from experience."
Somewhat reassured by this, though still a little uneasy in his mind,
the imp followed his patron to the baths.
It would have been a sight worth seeing, the entrance of these two into
the temple of soap-and-water. To see Gillie's well-made, but very
meagre and dirty little limbs unrobed; to see him decked out with the
scrimpest possible little kilt, such as would, perhaps, have suited the
fancy of a Fiji islander; to see his gaze of undisguised admiration on
beholding his companion's towering and massive frame in the same
unwonted costume, if we may so style it; to see the intensifying of his
astonishment when ushered into the _first_ room, at beholding six or
seven naked, and apparently dead men, laid round the walls, as if ready
for dissection; to see the monkey-like leap, accompanied by a squeal,
with which he sprang from a hot stone-bench, having sat down thereon
before it had been covered with a cloth for his reception; to see the
rapid return of his self-possession in these unusual circumstances, and
the ready manner in which he submitted himself to the various
operations, as if he had been accustomed to Turkish baths from a period
long prior to infancy; to see his horror on being introduced to the
hottest room, and his furtive glance at the door, as though he meditated
a rush into the open air, but was restrained by a sense of personal
dignity; to see the ruling passion strong as ever in this (he firmly
believed) his nearest approach to death, when, observing that the man
next to him (who, as it were, turned the corner from him) had raised
himself for a moment to arrange his pillow, he (Gillie) tipped up the
corner of the man's sheet, which hung close to his face in such a manner
that he (the man), on lying down again, placed his bare shoulder on the
hot stone, and sprang up with a yell that startled into life the whole
of the half-sleeping establishment with the exception of the youth on
the opposite bench, who, having noticed the act, was thrown into
convulsions of laughter, much to the alarm of Gillie, who had thought he
was asleep and feared that he might "tell;"--to see him laid down like a
little pink-roll to be kneaded, and to hear him remark, in a calm voice,
to the stalwart attendant that he might go in and win and needn't be
afraid of hurting him; to observe his delight when put under the warm
"douche," his gasping shriek when unexpectedly assailed with the
"cold-shower," and his placid air of supreme felicity when wrapped up
like a ghost in a white sheet, and left to dry in the cooling-room--to
see and hear all this, we say, would have amply repaid a special journey
to London from any reasonable distance. The event, however, being a
thing of the past and language being unequal to the description, we are
compelled to leave it all to the reader's imagination.