CARDS AND VISITS
=USEFULNESS OF CARDS=
Who was it that said--in the Victorian era probably, and a man of
course--"The only mechanical tool ever needed by a woman is a hair-pin"?
He might have added that with a hair-pin and a visiting card, she is ready
to meet most emergencies.
Although the principal use of a visiting card, at least the one for which
it was originally invented--to be left as an evidence of one person's
presence at the house of another--is going gradually out of ardent favor
in fashionable circles, its usefulness seems to keep a nicely adjusted
balance. In New York, for instance, the visiting card has entirely taken
the place of the written note of invitation to informal parties of every
description. Messages of condolence or congratulation are written on it;
it is used as an endorsement in the giving of an order; it is even tacked
on the outside of express boxes. The only employment of it which is not as
flourishing as formerly is its being left in quantities and with frequency
at the doors of acquaintances. This will be explained further on.
=A CARD'S SIZE AND ENGRAVING=
The card of a lady is usually from about 2-3/4 to 3-1/2 inches wide, by 2
to 2-3/4 inches high, but there is no fixed rule. The card of a young girl
is smaller and more nearly square in shape. (About 2 inches high by 2-1/2
or 2-5/8 inches long, depending upon the length of the name.) Young girls
use smaller cards than older ladies. A gentleman's card is long and
narrow, from 2-7/8 to 3-1/4 inches long, and from 1-1/4 to 1-5/8 inches
high. All visiting cards are engraved on white unglazed bristol board,
which may be of medium thickness or thin, as one fancies. A few years ago
there was a fad for cards as thin as writing paper, but one seldom sees
them in America now. The advantage of a thin card is that a greater
quantity may be carried easily.
The engraving most in use to-day is shaded block. Script is seldom seen,
but it is always good form and so is plain block, but with the exception
of old English all ornate lettering should be avoided. All people who live
in cities should have the address in the lower right corner, engraved in
smaller letters than the name. In the country, addresses are not
important, as every one knows where every one else lives. People who have
town and country houses usually have separate cards, though not
necessarily a separate plate.
=ECONOMICAL ENGRAVING=
The economically inclined can have several varieties of cards printed from
one plate. The cards would vary somewhat in size in order to "center" the
wording.
Example:
The plate:
Mr. and Mrs. Gilding
Miss Gilding
00 FIFTH AVENUE
GOLDEN HALL
may be printed.
Miss Gilding's name should never appear on a card with both her mother's
and father's, so her name being out of line under the "Mr. and Mrs."
engraving makes no difference.
or
Mr. and Mrs. Gilding
GOLDEN HALL
or
Mrs. Gilding
Miss Gilding
00 FIFTH AVENUE
or
Mrs. Gilding
GOLDEN HALL
The personal card is in a measure an index of one's character. A fantastic
or garish note in the type effect, in the quality or shape of the card,
betrays a lack of taste in the owner of the card.
It is not customary for a married man to have a club address on his card,
and it would be serviceable only in giving a card of introduction to a
business acquaintance, under social rather than business circumstances, or
in paying a formal call upon a political or business associate. Unmarried
men often use no other address than that of a club; especially if they
live in bachelor's quarters, but young men who live at home use their home
address.
=CORRECT NAMES AND TITLES=
To be impeccably correct, initials should not be engraved on a visiting
card. A gentleman's card should read: Mr. John Hunter Titherington Smith,
but since names are sometimes awkwardly long, and it is the American
custom to cling to each and every one given in baptism, he asserts his
possessions by representing each one with an initial, and engraves his
cards Mr. John H.T. Smith, or Mr. J.H. Titherington Smith, as suits his
fancy. So, although, according to high authorities, he should drop a name
or two and be Mr. Hunter Smith, or Mr. Titherington Smith, it is very
likely that to the end of time the American man, and necessarily his wife,
who must use the name as he does, will go on cherishing initials.
And a widow no less than a married woman should always continue to use her
husband's Christian name, or his name and another initial, engraved on her
cards. She is Mrs. John Hunter Titherington Smith, or, to compromise, Mrs.
J.H. Titherington Smith, but she is _never_ Mrs. Sarah Smith; at least not
anywhere in good society. In business and in legal matters a woman is
necessarily addressed by her own Christian name, because she uses it in
her signature. But no one should ever address an envelope, except from a
bank or a lawyer's office, "Mrs. Sarah Smith." When a widow's son, who has
the name of his father, marries, the widow has Sr. added to her own name,
or if she is the "head" of the family, she very often omits all Christian
names, and has her card engraved "Mrs. Smith," and the son's wife calls
herself Mrs. John Hunter Smith. Smith is not a very good name as an
example, since no one could very well claim the distinction of being _the_
Mrs. Smith. It, however, illustrates the point.
For the daughter-in-law to continue to use a card with Jr. on it when her
husband no longer uses Jr. on his, is a mistake made by many people. A
wife always bears the name of her husband. To have a man and his mother
use cards engraved respectively Mr. J.H. Smith and Mrs. J.H. Smith and the
son's wife a card engraved Mrs. J.H. Smith, Jr., would announce to
whomever the three cards were left upon, that Mr. and Mrs. Smith and
_their_ daughter-in-law had called.
The cards of a young girl after she is sixteen have always "Miss" before
her name, which must be her real and never a nick-name: Miss Sarah Smith,
not Miss Sally Smith.
The fact that a man's name has "Jr." added at the end in no way takes the
place of "Mr." His card should be engraved Mr. John Hunter Smith, Jr., and
his wife's Mrs. John Hunter Smith, Jr. Some people have the "Jr." written
out, "junior." It is not spelled with a capital J if written in full.
A boy puts Mr. on his cards when he leaves school, though many use cards
without Mr. on them while in college. A doctor, or a judge, or a minister,
or a military officer have their cards engraved with the abbreviation of
their title: Dr. Henry Gordon; Judge Horace Rush; The Rev. William Goode;
Col. Thomas Doyle.
The double card reads: Dr. and Mrs. Henry Gordon; Hon. and Mrs., etc.
A woman who has divorced her husband retains the legal as well as the
social right to use her husband's full name, in New York State at least.
Usually she prefers, if her name was Alice Green, to call herself Mrs.
Green Smith; not Mrs. Alice Smith, and on no account Mrs. Alice
Green--unless she wishes to give the impression that she was the guilty
one in the divorce.
=CHILDREN'S CARDS=
That very little children should have visiting cards is not so "silly" as
might at first thought be supposed. To acquire perfect manners, and those
graces of deportment that Lord Chesterfield so ardently tried to instil
into his son, training can not begin early enough, since it is through
lifelong familiarity with the niceties of etiquette that much of the
distinction of those to the manner born is acquired.
Many mothers think it good training for children to have their own cards,
which they are taught not so much to leave upon each other after
"parties," as to send with gifts upon various occasions.
At the rehearsal of a wedding, the tiny twin flower girls came carrying
their wedding present for the bride between them, to which they had
themselves attached their own small visiting cards. One card was bordered
and engraved in pink, and the other bordered and engraved in blue, and the
address on each read "_Chez Maman_."
And in going to see a new baby cousin each brought a small 1830 bouquet,
and sent to their aunt their cards, on which, after seeing the baby, one
had printed "He is very little," and the other, "It has a red face." This
shows that if modern society believes in beginning social training in the
nursery, it does not believe in hampering a child's natural expression.
=SPECIAL CARDS AND WHEN TO USE THEM=
The double card, reading Mr. and Mrs., is sent with a wedding present, or
with flowers to a funeral, or with flowers to a débutante, and is also
used in paying formal visits.
The card on which a débutante's name is engraved under that of her mother,
is used most frequently when no coming-out entertainment has been given
for the daughter. Her name on her mother's card announces, wherever it is
left, that the daughter is "grown" and "eligible" for invitations. In the
same way a mother may leave her son's card with her own upon any of her
own friends--especially upon those likely to entertain for young people.
This is the custom if a young man has been away at school and college for
so long that he has not a large acquaintance of his own. It is, however,
correct under any circumstances when formally leaving cards to leave those
of all sons and daughters who are grown.
=THE P.P.C. CARD=
This is merely a visiting card, whether of a lady or a gentleman, on which
the initials P.P.C. (_pour prendre congé_--to take leave) are written in
ink in the lower left corner. This is usually left at the door, or sent by
mail to acquaintances, when one is leaving for the season, or for good. It
never takes the place of a farewell visit when one has received especial
courtesy, nor is it in any sense a message of thanks for especial
kindness. In either of these instances, a visit should be paid or a note
of farewell and thanks written.
=CARDS OF NEW OR TEMPORARY ADDRESS=
In cities where there is no Social Register or other printed society list,
one notifies acquaintances of a change of address by mailing a visiting
card.
Cards are also sent, with a temporary address written in ink, when one is
in a strange city and wishes to notify friends where one is stopping.
It is also quite correct for a lady to mail her card with her temporary
address written on it to any gentleman whom she would care to see, and who
she is sure would like to see her.
=WHEN CARDS ARE SENT=
When not intending to go to a tea or a wedding reception (the invitation
to which did not have R.s.v.p. on it and require an answer), one should
mail cards to the hostess so as to arrive on the morning of the
entertainment. To a tea given for a débutante cards are enclosed in one
envelope and addressed:
Mrs. Gilding
Miss Gilding
00 Fifth Avenue
New York
For a wedding reception, cards are sent to Mr. and Mrs. ----, the mother
and father of the bride, and another set of cards sent to Mr. and
Mrs. ----, the bride and bridegroom.
=THE VISIT OF EMPTY FORM=
Not so many years ago, a lady or gentleman, young girl or youth, who
failed to pay her or his "party call" after having been invited to Mrs.
Social-Leader's ball was left out of her list when she gave her next one.
For the old-fashioned hostess kept her visiting list with the precision
of a bookkeeper in a bank; everyone's credit was entered or cancelled
according to the presence of her or his cards in the card receiver. Young
people who liked to be asked to her house were apt to leave an extra one
at the door, on occasion, so that theirs should not be among the missing
when the new list for the season was made up--especially as the more
important old ladies were very quick to strike a name off, but seldom if
ever known to put one back.
But about twenty years ago the era of informality set in and has been
gaining ground ever since. In certain cities old-fashioned hostesses, it
is said, exclude delinquents. But New York is too exotic and intractable,
and the too exacting hostess is likely to find her tapestried rooms rather
empty, while the younger world of fashion flocks to the crystal-fountained
ballroom of the new Spendeasy Westerns. And then, too, life holds so many
other diversions and interests for the very type of youth which of
necessity is the vital essence of all social gaiety. Society can have
distinction and dignity without youth--but not gaiety. The country with
its outdoor sports, its freedom from exacting conventions, has gradually
deflected the interest of the younger fashionables, until at present they
care very little whether Mrs. Toplofty and Mrs. Social-Leader ask them to
their balls or not. They are glad enough to go, of course, but they don't
care enough for invitations to pay dull visits and to live up to the
conventions of "manners" that old-fashioned hostesses demand. And as these
"rebels" are invariably the most attractive and the most eligible youths,
it has become almost an issue; a hostess must in many cases either invite
none but older people and the few young girls and men whose mothers have
left cards for them, or ignore convention and invite the rebels.
In trying to find out where the present indifference started, many ascribe
it to Bobo Gilding, to whom entering a great drawing-room was more
suggestive of the daily afternoon tea ordeal of his early nursery days,
than a voluntary act of pleasure. He was long ago one of the first to
rebel against old Mrs. Toplofty's exactions of party calls, by saying he
did not care in the least whether his great-aunt Jane Toplofty invited him
to her stodgy old ball or not. And then Lucy Wellborn (the present Mrs.
Bobo Gilding) did not care much to go either if none of her particular men
friends were to be there. Little she cared to dance the cotillion with old
Colonel Bluffington or to go to supper with that odious Hector Newman.
And so, beginning first with a few gilded youths, then including young
society, the habit has spread until the obligatory paying of visits by
young girls and men has almost joined the once universal "day at home" as
belonging to a past age. Do not understand by this that visits are never
paid on other occasions. Visits to strangers, visits of condolence, and of
other courtesies are still paid, quite as punctiliously as ever. But
within the walls of society itself, the visit of formality is decreasing.
One might almost say that in certain cities society has become a family
affair. Its walls are as high as ever, higher perhaps to outsiders, but
among its own members, such customs as keeping visiting lists and having
days at home, or even knowing who owes a visit to whom, is not only
unobserved but is unheard of.
But because punctilious card-leaving, visiting, and "days at home" have
gone out of fashion in New York, is no reason why these really important
observances should not be, or are not, in the height of fashion elsewhere.
Nor, on the other hand, must anyone suppose because the younger
fashionables in New York pay few visits and never have days at home, that
they are a bit less careful about the things which they happen to consider
essential to good-breeding.
The best type of young men pay few, if any, party calls, because they work
and they exercise, and whatever time is left over, if any, is spent in
their club or at the house of a young woman, not tête-a-tête, but
invariably playing bridge. The Sunday afternoon visits that the youth of
another generation used always to pay, are unknown in this, because every
man who can, spends the week-end in the country.
It is scarcely an exaggeration to say that not alone men, but many young
married women of highest social position, except to send with flowers or
wedding presents, do not use a dozen visiting cards a year. But there are
circumstances when even the most indifferent to social obligations must
leave cards.
=WHEN CARDS MUST BE LEFT=
Etiquette absolutely demands that one leave a card within a few days after
taking a first meal in a lady's house; or if one has for the first time
been _invited_ to lunch or dine with strangers, it is inexcusably rude not
to leave a card upon them, whether one accepted the invitation or not.
One must also unfailingly return a first call, even if one does not care
for the acquaintance. Only a real "cause" can excuse the affront to an
innocent stranger that the refusal to return a first call would imply. If
one does not care to continue the acquaintance, one need not pay a second
visit.
Also a card is always left with a first invitation. Supposing Miss
Philadelphia takes a letter of introduction to Mrs. Newport--Mrs. Newport,
inviting Miss Philadelphia to her house, would not think of sending her
invitation without also leaving her card. Good form demands that a visit
be paid before issuing a _first invitation_. Sometimes a note of
explanation is sent asking that the formality be waived, but it is _never_
disregarded, except in the case of an invitation from an older lady to a
young girl. Mrs. Worldly, for instance, who has known Jim Smartlington
always, might, instead of calling on Mary Smith, to whom his engagement is
announced, write her a note, asking her to lunch or dinner. But in
inviting Mrs. Greatlake of Chicago she would leave her card with her
invitation at Mrs. Greatlake's hotel.
It seems scarcely necessary to add that anyone not entirely heartless
must leave a card on, or send flowers to, an acquaintance who has suffered
a recent bereavement. One should also leave cards of inquiry or send
flowers to sick people.
=INVITATION IN PLACE OF RETURNED VISIT=
Books on etiquette seem agreed that sending an invitation does not cancel
the obligation of paying a visit--which may be technically correct--but
fashionable people, who are in the habit of lunching or dining with each
other two or three times a season, pay no attention to visits whatever.
Mrs. Norman calls on Mrs. Gilding. Mrs. Gilding invites the Normans to
dinner. They go. A short time afterward Mrs. Norman invites the
Gildings--or the Gildings very likely again invite the Normans. Some
evening at all events, the Gildings dine with the Normans. Someday, if
Mrs. Gilding happens to be leaving cards, she may leave them at the
Normans--or she may not. Some people leave cards almost like the "hares"
in a paper chase; others seldom if ever do. Except on the occasions
mentioned in the paragraph before this, or unless there is an illness, a
death, a birth, or a marriage, people in society invite each other to
their houses and don't leave cards at all. Nor do they ever consider whose
"turn" it is to invite whom.
="NOT AT HOME"=
When a servant at a door says "Not at home," this phrase means that the
lady of the house is "Not at home to visitors." This answer neither
signifies nor implies--nor is it intended to--that Mrs. Jones is out of
the house. Some people say "Not receiving," which means actually the same
thing, but the "not at home" is infinitely more polite; since in the
former you know she is in the house but won't see you, whereas in the
latter case you have the pleasant uncertainty that it is quite possible
she is out.
To be told "Mrs. Jones is at home but doesn't want to see you," would
certainly be unpleasant. And to "beg to be excused"--except in a case of
illness or bereavement--has something very suggestive of a cold shoulder.
But "not at home" means that she is not sitting in the drawing room behind
her tea tray; that and nothing else. She may be out or she may be lying
down or otherwise occupied. Nor do people of the world find the slightest
objection if a hostess, happening to recognize the visitor as a particular
friend, calls out, "Do come in! I _am_ at home to _you!_" Anyone who talks
about this phrase as being a "white lie" either doesn't understand the
meaning of the words, or is going very far afield to look for untruth. To
be consistent, these over-literals should also exact that when a guest
inadvertently knocks over a tea cup and stains a sofa, the hostess instead
of saying "It is nothing at all! Please don't worry about it," ought for
the sake of truth to say, "See what your clumsiness has done! You have
ruined my sofa!" And when someone says "How are you?" instead of answering
"Very well, thank you," the same truthful one should perhaps take an hour
by the clock and mention every symptom of indisposition that she can
accurately subscribe to.
While "not at home" is merely a phrase of politeness, to say "I am _out_"
after a card has been brought to you is both an untruth and an inexcusable
rudeness. Or to have an inquiry answered, "I don't know, but I'll see,"
and then to have the servant, after taking a card, come back with the
message "Mrs. Jones is out" can not fail to make the visitor feel
rebuffed. Once a card has been admitted, the visitor _must_ be admitted
also, no matter how inconvenient receiving her may be. You may send a
message that you are dressing but will be very glad to see her if she can
wait ten minutes. The visitor can either wait or say she is pressed for
time. But if she does not wait, then _she_ is rather discourteous.
Therefore, it is of the utmost importance always to leave directions at
the door such as, "Mrs. Jones is not at home." "Miss Jones will be home at
five o'clock," "Mrs. Jones will be home at 5.30," or Mrs. Jones "is at
home" in the library to intimate friends, but "not at home" in the
drawing-room to acquaintances. It is a nuisance to be obliged to remember
either to turn an "in" and "out" card in the hail, or to ring a bell and
say, "I am going out," and again, "I have come in." But whatever plan or
arrangement you choose, no one at your front door should be left in doubt
and then repulsed. It is not only bad manners, it is bad housekeeping.
=THE OLD-FASHIONED DAY AT HOME=
It is doubtful if the present generation of New Yorkers knows what a day
at home is! But their mothers, at least, remember the time when the
fashionable districts were divided into regular sections, wherein on a
given day in the week, the whole neighborhood was "at home." Friday sounds
familiar as the day for Washington Square! And was it Monday for lower
Fifth Avenue? At all events, each neighborhood on the day of its own,
suggested a local fête. Ladies in visiting dresses with trains and bonnets
and nose-veils and tight gloves, holding card cases, tripped demurely into
this house, out of that, and again into another; and there were always
many broughams and victorias slowly "exercising" up and down, and very
smart footmen standing with maroon or tan or fur rugs over their arms in
front of Mrs. Wellborn's house or Mrs. Oldname's, or the big house of Mrs.
Toplofty at the corner of Fifth Avenue. It must have been enchanting to be
a grown person in those days! Enchanting also were the C-spring victorias,
as was life in general that was taken at a slow carriage pace and not at
the motor speed of to-day. The "day at home" is still in fashion in
Washington, and it is ardently to be hoped that it also flourishes in many
cities and towns throughout the country or that it will be revived, for it
is a delightful custom--though more in keeping with Europe than America,
which does not care for gentle paces once it has tasted swift. A certain
young New York hostess announced that she was going to stay home on
Saturday afternoons. But the men went to the country and the women to the
opera, and she gave it up.
There are a few old-fashioned ladies, living in old-fashioned houses, and
still staying at home in the old-fashioned way to old-fashioned friends
who for decades have dropped in for a cup of tea and a chat. And there are
two maiden ladies in particular, joint chatelaines of an imposingly
beautiful old house where, on a certain afternoon of the week, if you come
in for tea, you are sure to meet not alone those prominent in the world of
fashion, but a fair admixture of artists, scientists, authors; inventors,
distinguished strangers--in a word Best Society in its truest sense. But
days at home such as these are not easily duplicated; for few houses
possess a "salon" atmosphere, and few hostesses achieve either the social
talent or the wide cultivation necessary to attract and interest so varied
and brilliant a company.
=MODERN CARD LEAVING: A QUESTIONABLE ACT OF POLITENESS=
The modern New York fashion in card-leaving is to dash as fast as possible
from house to house, sending the chauffeur up the steps with cards,
without ever asking if anyone is home. Some butlers announce "Not at home"
from force of habit even when no question is asked. There are occasions
when the visitors _must_ ask to see the hostess (see page 88); but cards
are left without asking whether a lady is at home under the following
circumstances:
Cards are left on the mother of the bride, after a wedding, also on the
mother of the groom.
Cards are also left after any formal invitation. Having been asked to
lunch or dine with a lady whom you know but slightly you should leave your
card whether you accepted the invitation or not, within three days if
possible, or at least within a week, of the date for which you were
invited. It is not considered necessary (in New York at least) to ask if
she is at home; promptness in leaving your card is, in this instance,
better manners than delaying your "party call" and asking if she is at
home. This matter of asking at the door is one that depends upon the
customs of each State and city, but as it is always wiser to err on the
side of politeness, it is the better policy, if in doubt, to ask "Is Mrs.
Blank at home?" rather than to run the risk of offending a lady who may
like to see visitors.
A card is usually left with a first invitation to a stranger who has
brought a letter of introduction, but it is more polite--even though not
necessary--to ask to be received. Some ladies make it a habit to leave a
card on everyone on their visiting list once a season.
It is correct for the mother of a débutante to leave her card as well as
her daughter's on every lady who has invited the daughter to her house,
and a courteous hostess returns all of these pasteboard visits. But
neither visit necessitates closer or even further acquaintance.
=VISITS WHICH EVERYONE MUST PAY=
Paying visits differs from leaving cards in that you must ask to be
received. A visit of condolence should be paid at once to a friend when a
death occurs in her immediate family. A lady does not call on a gentleman,
but writes him a note of sympathy.
In going to inquire for sick people, you should ask to be received, and it
is always thoughtful to take them gifts of books or fruit or flowers.
If a relative announces his engagement, you must at once go to see his
fiancée. Should she be out, you do not ask to see her mother. You do,
however, leave a card upon both ladies and you ask to see her mother if
received by the daughter.
A visit of congratulation is also paid to a new mother and a gift
invariably presented to the baby.
=MESSAGES WRITTEN ON CARDS=
"With sympathy" or "With deepest sympathy" is written on your visiting
card with flowers sent to a funeral. This same message is written on a
card and left at the door of a house of mourning, if you do not know the
family well enough to ask to be received.
"To inquire" is often written on a card left at the house of a sick
person, but not if you are received.
In going to see a friend who is visiting a lady whom you do not know,
whether you should leave a card on the hostess as well as on your friend
depends upon the circumstances: if the hostess is one who is socially
prominent and you are unknown, it would be better taste not to leave a
card on her, since your card afterward found without explanation might be
interpreted as an uncalled-for visit made in an attempt for a place on her
list. If, on the other hand, she is the unknown person and you are the
prominent one, your card is polite, but unwise unless you mean to include
her name on your list. But if she is one with whom you have many interests
in common, then you may very properly leave a card for her.
In leaving a card on a lady stopping at a hotel or living in an apartment
house, you should write her name in pencil across the top of your card, to
insure its being given to her, and not to some one else.
At the house of a lady whom you know well and whom you are sorry not to
find at home, it is "friendly" to write "Sorry not to see you!" or "So
sorry to miss you!"
Turning down a corner of a visiting card is by many intended to convey
that the visit is meant for all the ladies in the family. Other people
mean merely to show that the card was left at the door in person and not
sent in an envelope. Other people turn them down from force of habit and
mean nothing whatever. But whichever the reason, more cards are bent or
dog-eared than are left flat.
=ENGRAVED CARDS ANNOUNCING ENGAGEMENT, BAD FORM=
Someone somewhere asked whether or not to answer an engraved card
announcing an engagement. The answer can have nothing to do with
etiquette, since an engraved announcement is unknown to good society. (For
the proper announcement of an engagement see page 304.)
=WHEN PEOPLE SEE THEIR FRIENDS=
Five o'clock is the informal hour when people are "at home" to friends.
The correct hour for leaving cards and paying formal visits is between
3.30 and 4.30. One should hesitate to pay a visit at the "tea hour" unless
one is sure of one's welcome among the "intimates" likely to be found
around the hostess's tea-table.
Many ladies make it their practise to be home if possible at five o'clock,
and their friends who know them well come in at that time. (For the
afternoon tea-table and its customs, see page 171.)
=INFORMAL VISITING OFTEN ARRANGED BY TELEPHONE=
For instance, instead of ringing her door-bell, Mrs. Norman calls Mrs.
Kindhart on the telephone: "I haven't seen you for weeks! Won't you come
in to tea, or to lunch--just you." Mrs. Kindhart answers, "Yes, I'd love
to. I can come this afternoon"; and five o'clock finds them together over
the tea-table.
In the same way young Struthers calls up Millicent Gilding, "Are you going
to be in this afternoon?" She says, "Yes, but not until a quarter of six."
He says, "Fine, I'll come then." Or she says, "I'm so sorry, I'm playing
bridge with Pauline--but I'll be in to-morrow!" He says, "All right, I'll
come to-morrow."
The younger people rarely ever go to see each other without first
telephoning. Or since even young people seldom meet except for bridge,
most likely it is Millicent Gilding who telephones the Struthers youth to
ask if he can't possibly get uptown before five o'clock to make a fourth
with Mary and Jim and herself.
=HOW A FIRST VISIT IS MADE=
In very large cities, neighbors seldom call on each other. But if
strangers move into a neighborhood in a small town or in the country, or
at a watering-place, it is not only unfriendly but uncivil for their
neighbors not to call on them. The older residents always call on the
newer. And the person of greatest social prominence should make the first
visit, or at least invite the younger or less prominent one to call on
her; which the younger should promptly do.
Or two ladies of equal age or position may either one say, "I wish you
would come to see me." To which the other replies "I will with pleasure."
More usually the first one offers "I should like to come to see you, if I
may." And the other, of course, answers "I shall be delighted if you
will."
The first one, having suggested going to see the second, is bound in
politeness to do so, otherwise she implies that the acquaintance on second
thought seems distasteful to her.
Everyone invited to a wedding should call upon the bride on her return
from the honeymoon. And when a man marries a girl from a distant place,
courtesy absolutely demands that his friends and neighbors call on her as
soon as she arrives in her new home.
=ON OPENING THE DOOR TO A VISITOR=
On the hall table in every house, there should be a small silver, or other
card tray, a pad and a pencil. The nicest kind of pad is one that when
folded, makes its own envelope, so that a message when written need not be
left open. There are all varieties and sizes at all stationers.
When the door-bell rings, the servant on duty, who can easily see the
chauffeur or lady approaching, should have the card tray ready to present,
on the palm of the left hand. A servant at the door must never take the
cards in his or her fingers.
=CORRECT NUMBER OF CARDS TO LEAVE=
When the visitor herself rings the door-bell and the message is "not at
home," the butler or maid proffers the card tray on which the visitor lays
a card of her own and her daughter's for each lady in the house and a card
of her husband's and son's for each lady and gentleman. But three is the
greatest number ever left of any one card. In calling on Mrs. Town, who
has three grown daughters and her mother living in the house, and a Mrs.
Stranger staying with her whom the visitor was invited to a luncheon to
meet, a card on each would need a packet of six. Instead, the visitor
should leave three--one for Mrs. Town, one for all the other ladies of the
house, and one for Mrs. Stranger. In asking to be received, her query at
the door should be "Are any of the ladies at home?" Or in merely leaving
her cards she should say "For all of the ladies."
=WHEN THE CALLER LEAVES=
The butler or maid must stand with the front door open until a visitor
re-enters her motor, or if she is walking, until she has reached the
sidewalk. It is bad manners ever to close the door in a visitor's face.
When a chauffeur leaves cards, the door may be closed as soon as he turns
away.
=WHEN THE LADY OF THE HOUSE IS AT HOME=
When the door is opened by a waitress or a parlor-maid and the mistress of
the house is in the drawing-room, the maid says "This way, please," and
leads the way. She goes as quickly as possible to present the card tray.
The guest, especially if a stranger, lags in order to give the hostess
time to read the name on the card.
The maid meanwhile moves aside, to make room for the approaching visitor,
who goes forward to shake hands with the hostess. If a butler is at the
door, he reads the card himself, picking it up from the tray, and opening
the door of the drawing-room announces: "Mrs. Soandso," after which he
puts the card on the hall table.
The duration of a formal visit should be in the neighborhood of twenty
minutes. But if other visitors are announced, the first one--on a very
formal occasion--may cut her visit shorter. Or if conversation becomes
especially interesting, the visit may be prolonged five minutes or so. On
no account must a visitor stay an hour!
A hostess always rises when a visitor enters, unless the visitor is a
very young woman or man and she herself elderly, or unless she is seated
behind the tea-table so that rising is difficult. She should, however,
always rise and go forward to meet a lady much older than herself; but she
never rises from her tea-table to greet a man, unless he is quite old.
If the lady of the house is "at home" but up-stairs, the servant at the
door leads the visitor into the reception room, saying "Will you take a
seat, please?" and then carries the card to the mistress of the house.
On an exceptional occasion, such as paying a visit of condolence or
inquiring for a convalescent, when the question as to whether he will be
received is necessarily doubtful, a gentleman does not take off his coat
or gloves, but waits in the reception room with his hat in his hand. When
the servant returning says either "Will you come this way, please?" or
"Mrs. Town is not well enough to see any one, but Miss Alice will be down
in a moment," the visitor divests himself of his coat and gloves, which
the servant carries, as well as his hat, out to the front hall.
As said before, few men pay visits without first telephoning. But perhaps
two or three times during a winter a young man, when he is able to get
away from his office in time, will make a tea-time visit upon a hostess
who has often invited him to dinner or to her opera box. Under ordinary
circumstances, however, some woman member of his family leaves his card
for him after a dinner or a dance, or else it is not left at all.
A gentleman paying visits, always asks if the hostess is at home. If she
is, he leaves his hat and stick in the hall and also removes and leaves
his gloves--and rubbers should he be wearing them. If the hour is between
five and half-past, the hostess is inevitably at her tea-table, in the
library, to which, if he is at all well known to the servant at the door,
he is at once shown without being first asked to wait in the reception
room. A gentleman entering a room in which there are several people who
are strangers, shakes hands with his hostess and slightly bows to all the
others, whether he knows them personally or not. He, of course, shakes
hands with any who are friends, and with all men to whom he is introduced,
but with a lady only if she offers him her hand.
=HOW TO ENTER A DRAWING-ROOM=
To know how to enter a drawing-room is supposed to be one of the supreme
tests of good breeding. But there should be no more difficulty in entering
the drawing-room of Mrs. Worldly than in entering the sitting-room at
home. Perhaps the best instruction would be like that in learning to swim.
"Take plenty of time, don't struggle and don't splash about!" Good manners
socially are not unlike swimming--not the "crawl" or "overhand," but
smooth, tranquil swimming. (Quite probably where the expression "in the
swim" came from anyway!) Before actually entering a room, it is easiest to
pause long enough to see where the hostess is. Never start forward and
then try to find her as an afterthought. The place to pause is on the
threshold--not half-way in the room. The way _not_ to enter a drawing-room
is to dart forward and then stand awkwardly bewildered and looking about
in every direction. A man of the world stops at the entrance of the room
for a scarcely perceptible moment, until he perceives the most
unencumbered approach to the hostess, and he thereupon walks over to her.
When he greets his hostess he pauses slightly, the hostess smiles and
offers her hand; the gentleman smiles and shakes hands, at the same time
bowing. A lady shakes hands with the hostess and with every one she knows
who is nearby. She bows to acquaintances at a distance and to strangers to
whom she is introduced.
=HOW TO SIT GRACEFULLY=
Having shaken hands with the hostess, the visitor, whether a lady or a
gentleman, looks about quietly, without hurry, for a convenient chair to
sit down upon, or drop into. To sit gracefully one should not perch
stiffly on the edge of a straight chair, nor sprawl at length in an easy
one. The perfect position is one that is easy, but dignified. In other
days, no lady of dignity ever crossed her knees, held her hands on her
hips, or twisted herself sideways, or even _leaned back in her chair!_
To-day all these things are done; and the only etiquette left is on the
subject of how not to exaggerate them. No lady should cross her knees so
that her skirts go up to or above them; neither should her foot be thrust
out so that her toes are at knee level. An arm a-kimbo is _not_ a graceful
attitude, nor is a twisted spine! Everyone, of course, leans against a
chair back, except in a box at the opera and in a ballroom, but a lady
should never throw herself almost at full length in a reclining chair or
on a wide sofa when she is out in public. Neither does a gentleman in
paying a formal visit sit on the middle of his backbone with one ankle
supported on the other knee, and both as high as his head.
The proper way for a lady to sit is in the center of her chair, or
slightly sideways in the corner of a sofa. She may lean back, of course,
and easily; her hands relaxed in her lap, her knees together, or if
crossed, her foot must not be thrust forward so as to leave a space
between the heel and her other ankle. On informal occasions she can lean
back in an easy chair with her hands on the arms. In a ball dress a lady
of distinction never leans back in a chair; one can not picture a
beautiful and high-bred woman, wearing a tiara and other ballroom jewels,
leaning against anything. This is, however, not so much a rule of
etiquette as a question of beauty and fitness.
A gentleman, also on very formal occasions, should sit in the center of
his chair; but unless it is a deep lounging one, he always leans against
the back and puts a hand or an elbow on its arms.
=POSTSCRIPTS ON VISITS=
A lady never calls on another under the sponsorship of a gentleman--unless
he is her husband or father. A young girl can very properly go with her
fiancé to return visit paid to her by members or friends of his family;
but she should not pay an initial visit unless to an invalid who has
written her a note asking her to do so.
If, when arriving at a lady's house, you find her motor at the door, you
should leave your card as though she were not at home. If she happens to
be in the hall, or coming down the steps, you say "I see you are going
out, and I won't keep you!"
If she insists on your coming in, you should stay only a moment. Do not,
however, fidget and talk about leaving. Sit down as though your leaving
immediately were not on your mind, but after two or three minutes say
"Good-by" and go.
A young man may go to see a young girl as often as he feels inclined and
she cares to receive him. If she continually asks to be excused, or shows
him scant attention when he is talking to her, or in any other way
indicates that he annoys or bores her, his visits should cease.
It is very bad manners to invite one person to your house and leave out
another with whom you are also talking. You should wait for an opportunity
when the latter is not included in your conversation.
In good society ladies do not kiss each other when they meet either at
parties or in public.
It is well to remember that nothing more blatantly stamps an ill-bred
person than the habit of patting, nudging or taking hold of people. "Keep
your hands to yourself!" might almost be put at the head of the first
chapter of every book on etiquette.
Be very chary of making any such remarks as "I am afraid I have stayed too
long," or "I must apologize for hurrying off," or "I am afraid I have
bored you to death talking so much." All such expressions are
self-conscious and stupid. If you really think you are staying too long or
leaving too soon or talking too much--don't!
=AN INVALID'S VISIT BY PROXY=
It is not necessary that an invalid make any attempt to return the visits
to her friends who are attentive enough to go often to see her. But if a
stranger calls on her--particularly a stranger who may not know that she
is always confined to the house, it is correct for a daughter or sister
or even a friend to leave the invalid's card for her and even to pay a
visit should she find a hostess "at home." In this event the visitor by
proxy lays her own card as well as that of the invalid on the tray
proffered her. Upon being announced to the hostess, she naturally explains
that she is appearing in place of her mother (or whatever relation the
invalid is to her) and that the invalid herself is unable to make any
visits.
A lady never pays a party call on a gentleman. But if the gentleman who
has given a dinner has his mother (or sister) staying with him and if the
mother (or sister) chaperoned the party, cards should of course be left
upon her.
Having risen to go, _go_! Don't stand and keep your hostess standing while
you say good-by, and make a last remark last half an hour!
Few Americans are so punctilious as to pay their dinner calls within
twenty-four hours; but it is the height of correctness and good manners.
When a gentleman, whose wife is away, accepts some one's hospitality, it
is correct for his wife to pay the party call with (or for) him, since it
is taken for granted that she would have been included had she been at
home.
In other days a hostess thought it necessary to change quickly into a best
dress if important company rang her door-bell. A lady of fashion to-day
receives her visitors at once in whatever dress she happens to be wearing,
since not to keep them waiting is the greater courtesy.