married, this was the first check that I had received; but young,
thoughtless, and giddy, as we were, it was a most severe one, both to
myself and my wife. Nor was it merely the loss of our offspring that
occasioned the sorrow of my wife. Her grief was rendered infinitely more
poignant by the circumstance of the deceased infant never having been
baptised. The babe had, in fact, been so healthy, so perfectly free from
the slightest appearance of disease, that we had never thought of sending
for the clergyman of the parish to have the ceremony performed;
particularly as we intended to have it christened so soon as the
nineteenth of January, which was the first anniversary of our wedding day.
The delay will, I am sure, be thought the more excusable, even by the most
scrupulously religious persons, when I inform them, that the clergyman
lived at Milton, a distance of eight miles, that he seldom came into the
parish except on a Sunday, and that even then his visit was generally a
flying visit, as he had two or three churches to serve on that day. He was
besides an excellent sportsman, and consequently it would have been
considered by _me_ at any rate, if not by _him_, as a sort of crime to
have broken in upon a week-day for any such purpose. But I now sincerely
repented of my folly and thoughtlessness, for my wife was inconsolable.
She was bred up strictly to attend to all the forms as well as the duties
of religion, and she, therefore, accused herself of a heinous crime, even
that of having sacrificed the soul of her infant; and then the very
thoughts of having the little corpse committed to its dreary dwelling
without the rites and ceremony of a christian burial, was so dreadful to
her that it almost made her frantic, and she would sometimes break out
into the most piteous wailings, nearly bordering upon desperation. I was
myself most wretched, not so much from the loss of our child, as from the
sorrow and anguish of my wife, whom I most dearly loved; but I found it
necessary to stifle my own feelings, and exert all my soothing aid and
persuasive powers, to calm her agonized mind. At first I was but a poor
comforter. _I had never thought at all of these weighty matters_, and
therefore I felt myself very incompetent to reason upon them in such a way
as was likely to convince and console her. I had been taught, by my
excellent mother, to lisp the Lord's Prayer, the Belief, and the
Catechism, before I at all knew the meaning of it, and almost before I
could speak plainly; I had been bred up in the Christian faith, a strict
church-goer, and, such was the force of custom, that perhaps I had not ten
times in the course of my life closed my eyes, after retiring to rest,
without repeating the Lords Prayer and Belief; though it is probable that
during all that period I had not ten times seriously directed my thoughts
to investigating and reasoning upon the true import and meaning of these
prayers. Such is the strength of early habits and early imbibed notions,
arising from the repetition of a certain number of words and sentences
thrown together, and imprinted upon the young memory, before the mind is
capable of appreciating the meaning or sense of them! I had also, soon
after our marriage, received the sacrament with my wife, because I was
told that to go through this ceremony was proper and necessary. I did
this, as thousands and tens of thousands had, I believe, done before me,
from a conviction that it was right, without ever having reasoned upon the
matter. And now, for the first time, at the age of twenty three, in spite
of myself, or rather in my own defence, I was compelled to think and to
reason also, that I might bring comfort to my almost heart-broken wife. I
reasoned thus--can this be possible, that a little innocent creature, only
two months old, totally incapable of having committed any offence against
God or man, having, indeed, been incapable of acting or thinking at all,
can the all-wise Creator have doomed such an unoffending being to eternal
punishment, because its parents have neglected to have certain forms of
prayer read by a clergyman, and because it has not had performed over it
the ceremony of sprinkling its forehead with water? It was not necessary
for me to question farther, for I at once pronounced it to be not only
preposterous but impious to believe such a thing for a moment.
Having thus satisfied my own mind, I now set about the task of convincing
my wife. I found her hanging over the corpse of our child, and bathing it
with her tears. The first thing which I did was to lead her from the
endearing object of her inexpressible woe. I then not only used the
foregoing argument, but many others of the same reasonable and natural
tendency. She was, however, not easily to be brought over to my opinion,
and besides, in spite of all I could say to remove the impression, she
blamed herself for having left the infant at such a tender age. I also
felt that in this respect I was not less censurable than she was; and I
endeavoured to take all this blame upon myself, by persuading her that she
would not have gone, had she not been desirous of obliging _me_. In
striving to tranquillize her, I had a most arduous duty to perform, yet,
painful as it was, it was at the same time the most delightful occupation
that can be imagined. To console, to comfort, to cheer the drooping
spirits, to heal the wounded sorrowing heart, to remove the dark and
gloomy doubts, and at length to inspire and provoke a smile upon the
quivering lip of her I fondly loved, was to me an entirely new scene. I
could now fully comprehend the poetical expression of "the joy of grief,"
for this was the most extatic joy, it was a hitherto untasted pleasure,
and although it was of a more sober nature than any of those pleasures in
which I had till then participated, yet it made a deeper and more lasting
impression than any of them had made. So strong was it, that the very
recollection of what I then felt, on the first dawn of my wife's return to
something like her usual serenity and cheerfulness, gives me a pleasure,
even while I am locked up in my solitary dungeon, that I believe it is not
the common lot of man to enjoy. Those who really know what bliss it is to
communicate as well as receive true plea sure will never voluntarily
inflict pain. I think I hear some of my more sceptical or prejudiced
readers ask, could these be really the feelings of this man? Is this the
man who only two short months before proposed to suckle his child with his
setter? Yes, I answer, the very same man; nor, in fact, is there, to the
eye of reason, any thing contradictory in his conduct on the two
occasions.
Let me now revert to my narrative. Though partly won over by the reasons
which I had advanced, my wife, nevertheless, was anxious to have some
confirmation of them from one of greater knowledge in such matters, and
she accordingly hinted a wish to converse with the clergyman. I told her I
had not the least objection if she desired it; but at the same time I
could not help enquiring, what consolation she could expect to derive from
one of those whom she had frequently seen inebriated at my table, and some
of whom, when they were in that state, had incautiously expressed their
opinions upon such matters with so much levity as to disgust her as well
as myself. This was too true, but yet the sanction of a clergyman carried
great weight; custom, early-initiated custom, still proved predominant;
and as I saw she had set her mind upon seeing a clergyman, before she
parted with the little corpse, I did not think it either kind or prudent
to throw any impediment in the way.
For three days I had scarcely left her during a single moment, and, very
fortunately, as we lived in the country, we were not pestered with any
formal, and worse than officious, calls of condolence. I now took my horse
and rode to a friend, a neighbouring clergyman, and invited him to dine
and take a bottle with me. He pleaded a previous engagement; but when I
told him the object of my visit, after having, with a most enquiring eye,
looked me full in the face for half a minute, to discover whether I was
quizzing him or not, he burst forth with an exclamation, and then into a
laugh, almost hysterical: which, having enjoyed for some time, without any
interruption from me, he said, "Why really, my good fellow, I hope you
have too much sense to listen seriously to the trash that is preached up
upon such occasions!" I replied that he might make himself easy not only
about me, but almost so with respect to Mrs. Hunt, as I had nearly argued
her out of all the ridiculous notions that she had imbibed; but that yet,
notwithstanding this, I should be obliged to him, as he was one of the
elect, who had been inspired to take holy orders by "the Holy Ghost," if
he would ride with me and confirm the good work which I had begun. To this
he agreed, on condition that I would first go with him to course a brace
of hares, of which he had just been informed by a shepherd. This offer I
readily accepted, and we returned to dinner together to my house.
Unfortunately, the parson took nearly a bottle of wine before he made up
his mind to say any thing to Mrs. Hunt upon the subject for which he had
been invited; and as a bottle always set his head a "wool-gathering," he
made one of the most ridiculous exhibitions that can possibly be imagined.
Between his desire to make Mrs. Hunt believe that he was a learned and
pious divine, and at the same time his equal desire to impress upon my
mind that he did not believe a word that he was preaching to her, he got
into such a mess, that it was with no small trouble I was enabled to help
him at all out of it; and at last the tea coming in, put an end to one of
the most ludicrous scenes that ever was witnessed. It happened, very
luckily, that Mrs. Hunt was a woman of good sterling sense, and a firm
mind, accompanied by a very quick penetration, or he would, in his
bungling desire to remove, have at least revived, if he had not confirmed,
all her former doubts and scruples.
On the following evening, with considerable difficulty, I prevailed on the
mother, to suffer the clerk of the parish to convey the mortal remains of
the little infant in a neat coffin, and deposit it in the church-yard.
Instead of partaking in any of the long round of Christmas merry-makings
which we had so unpropitiously commenced, we now spent our evenings at
home; truly enjoying the greatest of earthly blessings, domestic felicity.
How it is possible for those who have once tasted this, the sweetest of
all human delights, how it is possible for any rational mind afterwards to
submit to be whirled round in the vortex of dissipation, to tolerate, to
endure, the empty, vain, comfortless, nothingness of fashionable
amusements, now appears to me to be almost inexplicable. The real felicity
imparted and received in a happy domestic circle, in one evening, far,
very far surpasses all the pleasures derived from the gaze and throng of
crowded routs and fashionable parties in a whole year. And yet it is not
practicable to convince young minds of this; perhaps it would be improper
to attempt it. May we not believe that few persons, if any, can enjoy
domestic bliss to its fullest extent, unless they have previously
experienced all the wearisomeness, all the unmeaning bustle of the
crowded, fashionable, common-place society of routs and balls? Happy,
however, are they, if such there be, who have minds so constituted as to
enjoy the one, without having been exposed to the previous probation of
the other.
The usual serenity and cheerful disposition of my wife soon returned. She
was young, blooming, fair and sprightly; and whatever pleasure I had in
view, I never half enjoyed it unless she were a partaker of it. I have
always been one of those mortals who think that women were formed to
participate in all our rational pleasures and amusements; and therefore,
with the exception of hunting, I seldom formed any scheme of pleasure
where my wife could not make one of the party. Young, gay and thoughtless,
as I was, and prone to enter into all the scenes of hospitable and
cheerful society, (one fault of which I admit, at that period, consisted
in general of much too free an indulgence of the bottle after dinner) yet,
however unfashionable it might have appeared, I never admitted any such
visitors at my table as rendered it necessary for females to leave the
room almost as soon as the cloth was removed. No language or conversation
was ever tolerated at my board, to which the most chaste female ear might
not listen without a blush. In fact, no man was ever permitted to enter my
door a second time who once dared to utter an indelicate double entendre
in the presence of a female; even if that female were only a servant. It
was, therefore, always the practice at my table for females to stay as
long as they found it pleasant, without being liable to a disgusting hint
to depart, in order that the men who remained might have an opportunity of
disgracing themselves by obscene and loathsome conversation. What a
disgrace this to the national character! what a blot upon the very name of
polished society! what an everlasting stigma upon British hospitality!
what an indelible stain upon English manners! I always found that young
men who had been bred at the universities of Oxford and Cambridge were the
most difficult to keep within the bounds of decorum. The life which these
men lead at college is so dissolute that few of them ever know how to
relish the sweets of domestic virtuous society. This is the greatest
drawback upon the religion of the country, and I blush for the name of
religion while I relate it. I have, in one hour, heard more blasphemy and
more lewd language at the table of one of these clergymen of the
established church, than ever polluted the walls of my house in all my
life. I have heard more obscenity flow from the lips of one of these
hoary-headed dignified pastors of the church of England, aye, one who
resides in this county too, than I ever heard come from the lips of all
the reformers I was ever acquainted with in my life. I can point out half
a score clergymen of this county, some of them magistrates, who are in
this respect a disgrace to human nature, whose debaucheries would fill a
volume, and whose daily conversation over their bottles, after they have
driven their wives and families from their tables, is so degrading, and
consists of such obscenities, that it would even be scouted at the table
of the bribed, queen-slandering Italian witnesses in Cotton Garden. Yet
some of these canting hypocrites, I understand, now begin to prate about
morality! But I ought, and I do apologize to the reader for this
digression, which I was led into by the circumstance of a gentleman, who
dined with me yesterday, having given me a description of one of these
monstrosities, who does not live a hundred miles from this place. More,
however, of this hereafter. Should it please Providence to guard me from
poison and the poniard, I will plainly shew who are the violators of all
morality, who are the blasphemers not only of God, but of Nature also.
My wife, as I have already said, soon recovered her wonted cheerfulness,
which was in no small degree gratifying to me; and as there was also a
prospect of our being blessed with another increase of our family, the
loss of our first child ceased to weigh so heavily upon our spirits. My
father could not refrain from expressing his satisfaction at the salutary
improvement in our manner of living. We kept less expensive company, and,
as he said, we appeared to live more for ourselves. Although he admitted
the loss which we had sustained to be a severe one, yet, as it had
operated as a check upon our giddy and extravagant mode of living, he
confessed that he did not so much regret it, especially as he saw there
was no great danger of the name becoming extinct.--He now often paid us a
visit, and I began not merely to look upon him as a father, but likewise
to enjoy his society, as one of my most valued companions and confidential
friends. At my house he was always a welcome guest, and we were always
received with the greatest kindness at his. I was now beginning to
experience what it is to enjoy true and substantial domestic comfort, and
I promised myself the greatest pleasure, as well as the greatest
advantage, from this friendly intercourse with my intelligent and
much-valued parent. Among other things on which he kindly admonished me,
he once more pointed out to me the folly as well as the unprofitableness
and ingloriousness of remaining in the yeomanry cavalry, which he strongly
advised me to quit, while I could do so with credit to myself--"for," said
he, "I cannot be insensible to your situation; I view with a considerable
degree of alarm your sanguine disposition; and I fear that your enthusiasm
will some day lead you into some serious scrape with the selfish and
unpatriotic officers under whose command you have placed youreself. I know
that you entertain a proper feeling upon the subject; that you are
actuated by the most laudable and disinterested motive, to serve your
country; but, when I reflect upon the sinister views of those who are your
commanders, I dread some disagreement with your officers, that may prove
very unpleasant, and then you may not be able to get rid of your
engagements, without their endeavouring to fix a stigma upon you, in some
way or other. I see that, already, they are all jealous of your
independent spirit. Most of your comrades are the dependants and mere
vassals of their officers; you are almost the only one amongst them that
can say you are free from any obligation to any of them. The officers
dread your spirit, and the privates envy your independence; they are most
of them actuated by selfish views, while you, on the contrary, are glowing
with the amor patriæ, and think of nothing but how you can best serve your
country. Such opposite qualities will never amalgamate together, and you
may rely upon it that there is great danger in your situation." I listened
more attentively to my father's reasoning than I had heretofore done,
because his predictions had proved so true that I was convinced of the
correctness of his judgment, and that his superior knowledge of mankind
had taught him how to estimate the views and objects of these men much
better than I could. But yet I could not bear the thought of leaving the
yeomanry at a time when an invasion was threatened by the French, and I
therefore determined not to quit the troop till the return of peace.
During the first year of my marriage I had attended very little to the
great political events which had occurred, on the continent as well as at
home, but I shall slightly touch upon them here for the information of the
reader.--On the 7th of Jan. 1796, the Princess Charlotte of Wales was
born. Alas! poor unhappy, ill-fated, cruelly-treated princess! On the 7th
of February the notorious Daniel Stewart circulated in London, for
stock-swindling purposes, a forged French newspaper called l'Eclair. For
this fraud he was tried and convicted in a penalty of 100_l_. on the third
of July. In this year Bonaparte gained the most signal victories over
Wurmser and other Austrian, Piedmontese, and Italian Commanders, and at
the battles of Lodi, Castiglione, Rivoli, &c. established his character as
a brave and consummate general. Spain had already, towards the end of
1795, concluded not merely a peace with France, but also entered with her
into a treaty of alliance, offensive and defensive, which was this year
followed up by her declaring war against Great Britain. In Germany, a
suspension of arms was concluded between France, Bavaria, Wirtemburgh, and
Baden; and Saxony and Hesse agreed to a neutrality, while in Italy peace
was made by Parma, Sardinia, and Naples. Bonaparte and the republican
troops under his command took not less than sixty thousand prisoners in
the course of this campaign, and repeatedly drove before them all the
enemies of their country. Pitt was intriguing with the Court of Russia,
but the Empress Catherine being a decided enemy to him, she died suddenly,
and her son PAUL, who was more friendly to his views, ascended the throne.
Pitt seemed determined at all hazards not to make peace on any terms; but
his cunning friend Wilberforce, and his partizans, being alarmed at the
continuance of the war, the minister was obliged to please them, and
delude the people. For the purpose of temporising therefore, he sent Lord
Malmsbury to France, under the hollow pretence of making peace, when at
the same time he had orders not to accept of any terms. But the French
being aware of the true nature of his errand received him coolly, and
after a stay of eight weeks he was sent packing with a "flea in his ear."
The parliament having been dissolved, the new parliament met on the 9th of
October. A fresh cry of invasion was now raised, and Pitt brought forward
his plan of defence. These preparations caused great alarm throughout the
country, and a great bustle amongst the various corps of yeomanry. Bread
had sold at a moderate rate all the year; the average price being
eightpence halfpenny the quartern loaf. The loan, which was called the
loyalty loan, was eighteen millions, and the amount was subscribed in
fifteen hours. General Washington this year resigned the presidency of
America, and retired into private life, amidst the blessings of his
countrymen; a pure and spotless patriot; a friend to the liberty of
mankind; and the brave assertor of those of his fellow countrymen. Thus
ended the year one thousand seven hundred and ninety six.
The next year another attempt was made to negotiate a peace with the
French, but as the minister, Pitt, was not sincere, Lord Malmsbury having
been sent to Lisle to treat, the French Directory soon discovered that the
measure was only a cheat intended to keep down the dissatisfaction at
home. The negotiation was therefore soon broken off, like the last.
Ireland was in a very disturbed state, bordering upon rebellion. In the
early part of this year many provincial banks stopped payment, in
consequence of a demand on them for gold, and, to complete the climax of
this country's degradation and disgrace, an act of national bankruptcy was
declared on the twenty-seventh day of February; an order in council being
issued on that day, by virtue of which the Bank of England stopped payment
in cash. From that fatal hour, swindling, the most barefaced swindling,
has become legalized! On the eleventh of March, the King, for the first
time, refused to receive the petition of the Common Hall of the City of
London upon the Throne; those who took the lead in the liveries at that
time, basely surrendering the right of their fellow-citizens without a
struggle; and from that hour their boasted privileges were lost, and they
have ever since been degraded to the level of any common assembly. As they
have never made an effort to recover this their natural right of
presenting their petitions or addresses to the king upon the throne, it
must be owned that they have richly merited all the taunts and sneers of
the ministerial press, which have been invariably levelled at them since
that period. To add to the wretched state of the country, a mutiny broke
out amongst the seamen at Spithead, and then at the Nore, the latter of
which proved most formidable, and some blood was shed; but at length,
through the means of promises and bribes, the mutineers were induced to
compromise for some additional pay.
The alarm of invasion having been renewed with redoubled zeal, the
officers commanding yeomanry corps received letters or circulars from the
Lord-Lieutenants of counties to enquire if, in case of the enemy landing,
they would volunteer their services to the full extent of their respective
military districts. Our district was Wilts, Hants, and Dorset. The day was
appointed for the Everly troop to assemble, and to give their answer to
this application. In the meanwhile, the officers were very busy amongst
the men, particularly _Cornet Dyke_, who was our most active officer. My
father informed me of this; and he at once declared that they, the brave
Everly troop, would, now they were put to the test, refuse to go out of
their county. I, however, stoutly maintained, that although the officers
might be so disposed, it was impossible that the men in a body could prove
themselves such despicable cowards; as, if they did refuse to extend their
services, they would ever afterwards be ashamed to look each other in the
face. My father's reply was, "mark my words. Shameful and disgraceful as
it will be, yet I have heard quite sufficient to convince me that a great
majority of them have been _spoken to_, and that they have made up their
minds to refuse to comply with the request of the government; and now,
young man, as I before told you, disgrace will be the lot of the Everly
Troop. I know the officers too well to be deceived, and I should have
thought that the specimen you had of their VALOUR, in the Salisbury
affair, would have completely opened your eyes, unless, indeed, you are
intentionally blind." I told him that I hoped they had been so gibed and
scouted, in consequence of their behaviour upon that occasion, that they
would be ashamed now to give an open refusal to stand forward, when they
were called upon in such a public manner. "Why," said he, "one would think
it is almost impossible; but I know my men so well, that I entertain not
the least doubt upon the subject; and therefore you must get out of it as
well as you can; but let me give you one word of advice." I, however,
began to be impatient of advice upon such a point; for, while we had been
in conversation, I had, as was usual with me, made up my mind how to act,
and I at once told my father that, in case they should refuse to go, I
would resign, and enter instantly into some other troop, who had
volunteered to extend their services. "Oh!" said my father, "what you are
again ready to rush headlong into fresh difficulties! If they refuse to
extend their services, it will, I own, be a very fair ground for your
resignation, and then you may thank God you have had an opportunity of
saving yourself from disgrace, for disgrace I was always convinced such
playing at soldiers must come to at last, especially when I know what sort
of officers are at your head. If you should resign, why not stay at home
with your wife, and attend to your business? Depend upon it, this mode of
acting will prove not only much more profitable to you, but much more
honourable in the end. What can you expect if you go into another troop?
Even though they have volunteered, yet you will find that ninety-nine out
of a hundred of them have entered into the troop from some interested
motive. Your disinterested patriotic intentions will consequently only
raise you enemies in those who will not know how to appreciate your
motives, and those who do comprehend those motives will only be jealous of
you, because you out do them in devotion to the cause which you wish to
promote. If you must be a soldier, give me up the farm, and I will buy you
a commission in some regular regiment at once. You may thus chance to gain
renown or an honourable death; but even there, never expect to obtain
promotion, unless you can conquer your unbending spirit. Promotion is not
gained by merit, but by parliamentary interest, and by servility to your
superior officers. Take my advice, therefore, and if the Everly troop
disgrace themselves, quit them, and think yourself well out of what I
always thought was a scrape." This wise and salutary advice was not
followed by me, though I could not but admit the propriety of it.