it, at the suit of a gentleman--one Mr. Mahogany, an upholsterer.
_Sir Per_. An impudent villain!
_Lord Lum_. It is all true, I assure you; so you see, my dear Mac, what a
damned country this is to live in, where noblemen are obliged to pay their
debts, just like merchants, coblers, peasants, or mechanics--is not that a
scandal, dear Mac. to the nation?
_Sir Per_. My lord, it is not only a scandal, but a national grievance.
_Lord Lum_. Sir, there is not another nation in the world has such a
grievance to complain of. Now in other countries were a mechanic to dun,
and tease, and behave as this Mahogany has done,--a nobleman might
extinguish the reptile in an instant; and that only at the expence of a
few sequins, florins, or louis d'ors, according to the country where the
affair happened.
_Sir Per_. Vary true, my lord, vary true--and it is monstrous that a mon
of your lordship's condition is not entitled to run one of these mechanics
through the body, when he is impertinent about his money; but our laws
shamefully, on these occasions, make no distinction of persons amongst us.
_Lord Lum_. A vile policy indeed, Sir Pertinax.--But, sir, the scoundrel
has seized upon the house too, that I furnished for the girl I took from
the opera.
_Sir Per_. I never heard of sic an a scoundrel.
_Lord Lum_. Ay, but what concerns me most,--I am afraid, my dear Mac, that
the villain will send down to Newmarket, and seize my string of horses.
_Sir Per_. Your string of horses? zounds! we must prevent that at all
events:--that would be sic an a disgrace. I will dispatch an express to
town directly to put a stop till the rascal's proceedings.
_LordLum._ Pr'ythee do, my dear Sir Pertinax.
_Sir Per._ O! it shall be done, my lord.
_Lord Lum._ Thou art an honest fellow, Sir Pertinax, upon honour.
_Sir Per._ O! my lord, it is my duty to oblige your lordship to the utmost
stretch of my abeelity.
_Enter_ TOMLINS.
_Tom._ Colonel Toper presents his compliments to you, sir, and having no
family down with him in the country, he and Captain Hardbottle, if not
inconvenient, will do themselves the honour of taking a family dinner with
you.
_Sir Per._ They are two of our militia officers--does your lordship know
them?
_LordLum._ By sight only.
_Sir Per._ I am afraid, my lord, they will interrupt our business.
_Lord Lum._ Not at all: I should be glad to be acquainted with Toper; they
say he's a damned jolly fellow.
_Sir Per._ O! devilish jolly--devilish jolly: he and the captain are the
two hardest drinkers in the county.
_Lord Lum._ So I have heard; let us have them by all means, Mac: they will
enliven the scene. How far are they from you?
_Sir Per._ Just across the meadows--not half a mile, my lord: a step, a
step.
_LordLum._ O! let us have the jolly dogs, by all means.
_Sir Per._ My compliments--I shall be proud of their company.
[_Exit_ Tom.] Guif ye please, my lord, we will gang and chat a bit with
the women: I have not seen Lady Rodolpha since she returned fra the Bath.
I long to have a little news from her about the company there.
_Lord Lum._ O! she'll give you an account of them, I warrant you.
[_A very loud laugh without_.
_Lady Rodolpha._ [_Without._] Ha, ha, ha! weel I vow, cousin Egerton, you
have a vast deal of shrewd humour.--But Lady Macsycophant, which way is
Sir Pertinax?
_Lady Mac._ [Without._] Strait forward, madam.
_Lord Lum_. Here the hairbrain comes: it must be her, by the noise,
_Lady Rod_. [_Without._] Allons--gude folks--follow me--sans cérémonie.
_Enter Lady_ RODOLPHA, _Lady_ MACSYCOPHANT, EGERTON, _and_ SIDNEY.
_Lady Rod_. [_Running up to Sir_ Per.] Sir Pertinax, your most devoted,
most obsequious, and most obedient vassal. [_Curtsies very low_.
_Sir Per_. [_Bowing ridiculously low._] Lady Rodolpha, down till the
ground, my congratulations and duty attend you, and I should rejoice to
kiss your ladyship's footsteps.
_Lady Rod_. [_Curtsying very low._] O! Sir Pertinax, your humeelity is
most sublimely complaisant:--at present, unanswerable;--but I shall
intensely study to return it--fyfty fald.
_Sir Per_. Your ladyship does me singular honour:--weel, madam--ha! you
look gaily;--weel, and how--how is your ladyship, after your jaunt till
the Bath?
_Lady Rod_. Never better, Sir Pertinax:--as weel as youth, health, riotous
spirits, and a careless happy heart can make me.
_Sir Per_. I am mighty glad till hear it, my lady.
_Lord Lum_. Ay, ay--Rodolpha is always in spirits, Sir Pertinax.--Vive la
Bagatelle is the philosophy of our family,--ha? Rodolpha--ha?
_Lady Rod_. Traith it is, my lord; and upon honour I am determined it
shall never be changed with my consent. Weel I vow--ha, ha, ha! Vive la
Bagatelle would be a most brilliant motto for the chariot of a belle of
fashion. What say you till my fancy, Lady Macsycophant.
_Lady Mac_. It would have novelty at least to recommend it, madam.
_Lady Rod_. Which of aw charms is the most delightful that can accompany
wit, taste, love, or friendship;--for novelty I take to be the true _Je ne
scais quoi_ of all worldly bliss. Cousin Egerton, shou'd not you like to
have a wife with Vive la Bagatelle upon her wedding chariot?
_Eger_. O! certainly, madam.
_Lady Rod_. Yes, I think it would be quite out of the common, and
singularly ailegant.
_Eger_. Indisputably, madam:--for as a motto is a word to the wise, or
rather a broad hint to the whole world of a person's taste and
principles,--Vive la Bagatelle would be most expressive at first sight of
your ladyship's characteristic.
_Lady Rod_. [_Curtsies._] O! Maister Egerton, you touch my vary heart with
your approbation--ha, ha, ha! that is the vary spirit of my intention, the
instant I commence bride.--Weel! I am immensely proud that my fancy has
the approbation of so sound an understanding, and so polished a taste as
that of the all-accomplished [_Curtsies very low._] Mr. Egerton.
_Sir Per_. Weel,--but Lady Rodolpha--I wanted to ask your ladyship some
questions about the company at the Bath;--they say you had aw the world
there.
_Lady Rod_. O, yes!--there was a vary great mob there indeed;--but vary
little company.--Aw Canaille,--except our ain party.--The place was
crowded with your little purse-proud mechanics;--an odd kind of queer
looking animals that have started intill fortune fra lottery tickets, rich
prizes at sea, gambling in Change-Alley, and sic like caprices of
fortune;--and away they aw crowd to the Bath to learn genteelity, and the
names, titles, intrigues, and bon-mots of us people of fashion; ha, ha,
ha!
_Lord Lum_. Ha, ha, ha! I know them;--I know the things you mean, my dear,
extremely well.--I have observed them a thousand times, and wondered where
the devil they all came from; ha, ha, ha!
_Lady Mac_. Pray, Lady Rodolpha, what were your diversions at Bath?
_Lady Rod_. Guid traith, my lady, the company were my diversion,--and
better na human follies ever afforded; ha, ha, ha! sic an a mixture--and
sic oddities, ha, ha, ha!--a perfect Gallimaufry.--Lady Kunegunda M'Kenzie
and I used to gang about till every part of this human chaos, on purpose
to reconnoitre the monsters and pick up their frivolities; ha, ha, ha!
_Sir Per_. Ha, ha, ha! why that must have been a high entertainment till
your ladyship.
_Lady Rod_. Superlative and inexhaustible, Sir Pertinax; ha, ha, ha!--
Madam, we had in one group--a peer and a sharper,--a dutchess and a
pinmaker's wife,--a boarding school miss and her grandmother,--a fat
parson, a lean general, and a yellow admiral,--ha, ha, ha!--aw speaking
together--and bawling and wrangling in fierce contention, as if the fame
and fortune of aw the parties were to be the issue of the conflict.
_Sir Per_. Ha, ha, ha! pray, madam, what was the object of their
contention?
_Lady Rod_. O! a vary important one, I assure you;--of no less
consequence, madam, than how an odd trick at whist was lost, or might have
been saved.
_Omnes_. Ha, ha, ha!
_Lady Mac_. Ridiculous!
_Lord Lum_. Ha, ha, ha! my dear Rodolpha, I have seen that very conflict a
thousand times.
_Sir Per_. And so have I, upon honour, my lord.
_Lady Rod_. In another party, Sir Pertinax--ha, ha, ha! we had what
was called the cabinet council, which was composed of a duke and a
haberdasher,--a red hot patriot and a sneering courtier,--a discarded
statesman and his scribbling chaplain,--with a busy, bawling,
muckle-headed, prerogative lawyer;--all of whom were every minute ready to
gang together by the lugs, about the in and the out meenistry--ha, ha, ha!
_Sir Per_. Ha, ha, ha! weel, that is a droll motley cabinet, I vow.--Vary
whimsical upon honour.--But they are aw great politicians at Bath, and
settle a meenistry there with as much ease as they do the tune of a
country dance.
_Lady Rod_. Then, Sir Pertinax, in a retired part of the room--in a bye
corner--snug--we had a Jew and a bishop--
_Sir Per_. A Jew and a bishop!--ha--ha--a devilish guid connection that;--
and pray, my lady, what were they about?
_Lady Rod_. Why, sir, the bishop--was striving to convert the Jew,--while
the Jew--by intervals--was slily picking up intelligence fra the bishop
about the change in the meenistry, in hopes of making a stroke in the
stock.
_Omnes_. Ha, ha, ha!
_Sir Per_. Ha, ha, ha! admirable! admirable! I honour the smouse:--hah! it
was develish clever of him, my lord,--develish clever.
_Lord Lum_. Yes, yes--the fellow kept a sharp look-out.--I think it was a
fair trial of skill on both sides, Mr. Egerton.
_Eger_. True, my lord;--but the Jew seems to have been in the fairer way
to succeed.
_Lord Lum_. O! all to nothing, sir; ha, ha, ha!--Well, child, I like your
Jew and your bishop much.--It's develish clever.--Let us have the rest of
the history, pray, my dear.
_Lady Rod_. Guid traith, my lord, the sum total is--that there we aw
danced, and wrangled, and flattered, and slandered, and gambled, and
cheated, and mingled, and jumbled, and wolloped together--clean and
unclean--even like the animal assembly in Noah's ark.
_Omnes_. Ha, ha, ha!
_Lord Lum_. Ha, ha, ha!--Well, you are a droll girl, Rodolpha,--and, upon
my honour, ha, ha, ha!--you have given us as whimsical a sketch as ever
was hit off.
_Sir Per_. Ah! yas, my lord, especially the animal assembly in Noah's
ark.--It is an excellent picture of the oddities that one meets with at
the Bath.
_Lord Lum_. Why yes, there is some fancy in it, I think, Egerton?
_Eger_. Very characteristic indeed, my lord.
_Lord Lum_. What say you, Mr. Sidney?
_Sid_. Upon my word, my lord, the lady has made me see the whole assembly
in distinct colours.
_Lady Rod_. O! Maister Sidney, your approbation makes me as vain as a
reigning toast before her looking-glass.--"But, Lady Macsycophant, I
cannot help observing, that you have one uncka, unsalutary fashion here in
the South, at your routs, your assemblies, and aw your dancing bouts;--the
which I am astonished you do not relegate fra amongst ye.
"_Lady Mac_. Pray, madam, what may that be?
"_Lady Rod_. Why, your orgeats, capillaires, lemonades, and aw your slips
and slops, with which you drench your weimbs, when you are dancing.--Upon
honour, they always make a swish-swash in my bowels, and give me the
wooly-wambles.
"_Omnes_. Ha, ha, ha!
"_Lord Lum_. Ho, ho, ho!--you indelicate creature,--why, my dear
Rodolpha--ha, ha, ha! what are you talking about?
"_Lady Rod_. Weel, weel, my lord,--guin ye laugh till ye brust;--the fact
is still true.--Now in Edinburgh--in Edinburgh, my lady--we have nai sic
pinch-gut doings--for there, guid traith, we always have a guid
comfortable dish of cutlets or collops, or a nice, warm, savory haggiss,
with a guid swig of whiskey punch to recruit our spirits--after our
dancing and sweating.
"_Omnes_. Ha, ha, ha!
"_Sir Per_. Ay, and that is much wholesomer, Lady Rodolpha, than aw their
slips and their slops here in the south.
"_Lord Lum_. Ha, ha, ha! Well, my dear Rodolpha, you are a droll girl,
upon honour,--and very entertaining, I vow; [_He whispers_.]--but,
my dear child,--a little too much upon the dancing, and sweating, and the
wolly-wambles.
"_Omnes_. Ha, ha, ha!"
_Enter_ TOMLINS.
_Tom_. Colonel Toper and Captain Hardbottle are come, sir.
_Sir Per_. O! vary weel.--Dinner directly.
_Tom_. It is ready, sir. [_Exit._
_Sir Per_. My lord, we attend your lordship.
_Lord Lum_. Lady Mac, your ladyship's hand, if you please.
[_Exit with Lady_ Macsycophant.
_Sir Per_. And here, Lady Rodolpha, is an Arcadian swain that has a
hand at your ladyship's devotion.
_Lady Rod_. [_Giving her hand to_ Egerton.] And I, sir, have one at his.--
There, sir:--as to hearts, ye ken, cousin, they are not brought into the
account of human dealings now-a-days.
_Eger_. O! madam, they are mere temporary baubles, especially in
courtship; and no more to be depended upon than the weather, or a lottery
ticket.
_Lady Rod_, Ha, ha, ha! twa excellent similes, I vow, Mr. Egerton.--
Excellent! for they illustrate the vagaries and inconstancy of my
dissipated heart as exactly as if you had meant to describe it.
[_Exit with_ Eger.
_Sir Per_. Ha, ha, ha! what a vast fund of spirits and guid humour she
has, Maister Sidney.
_Sid_. A great fund indeed, Sir Pertinax.
_Sir Per_. Come, let us till dinner.--Hah! by this time to-morrow, Maister
Sidney, I hope we shall have every thing ready for you to put the last
hand till the happiness of your friend and pupil;--and then, sir--my cares
will be over for this life:--for as to my other son, I expect nai guid of
him, nor shou'd I grieve, were I to see him in his coffin.--But this
match,--O! it will make me the happiest of aw human beings. [_Exeunt._
END OF THE SECOND ACT.
_ACT III. SCENE I._
_Enter Sir_ PERTINAX _and_ EGERTON.
_Sir Per_. [_In warm resentment._] Zoons! sir, I wull not hear a word
about it:--I insist upon it you are wrong:--you shou'd have paid your
court till my lord, and not have scrupled swallowing a bumper or twa, or
twenty, till oblige him.
_Eger_. Sir, I did drink his toast in a bumper.
_Sir Per_. Yes--you did;--but how? how?--just as a bairn takes physic--
with aversions and wry faces, which my lord observed: then, to mend the
matter, the moment that he and the colonel got intill a drunken dispute
about religion, you slily slunged away.
_Eger_. I thought, sir, it was time to go, when my lord insisted upon half
pint bumpers.
_Sir Per_. Sir, that was not levelled at you, but at the colonel, in order
to try his bottom; but they aw agreed that you and I should drink out of
smaw glasses.
_Eger_. But, sir, I beg pardon:--I did not choose to drink any more.
_Sir Per_. But zoons! sir, I tell you there was a necessity for your
drinking more.
_Eger_. A necessity! in what respect, pray, sir?
_Sir Per_. Why, sir, I have a certain point to carry, independent of the
lawyers, with my lord, in this agreement of your marriage--about which I
am afraid we shall have a warm squabble--and therefore I wanted your
assistance in it.
_Eger_. But how, sir, could my drinking contribute to assist you in your
squabble?
_Sir Per_. Yes, sir, it would have contributed--and greatly have
contributed to assist me.
_Eger_. How so, sir?
_Sir Per_. Nay, sir, it might have prevented the squabble entirely; for as
my lord is proud of you for a son-in-law, and is fond of your little
French songs, your stories, and your bon-mots, when you are in the
humour,--and guin you had but staid--and been a little jolly--and drank
half a score bumpers with him, till he got a little tipsy--I am sure, when
we had him in that mood, we might have settled the point as I could wish
it, among ourselves, before the lawyers came: but now, sir, I do not ken
what will be the consequence.
_Eger_. But when a man is intoxicated, would that have been a seasonable
time to settle business, sir?
_Sir Per_. The most seasonable, sir:--for, sir, when my lord is in his
cups--his suspicion is asleep--and his heart is aw jollity, fun, and guid
fellowship; and sir, can there be a happier moment than that for a
bargain, or to settle a dispute with a friend? What is it you shrug up
your shoulders at, sir?
_Eger_. At my own ignorance, sir;--for I understand neither the philosophy
nor the morality of your doctrine.
_Sir Per_. I know you do not, sir,--and, what is worse--you never wull,
understand it, as you proceed: in one word, Charles, I have often told
you, and now again I tell you, once for aw, that the manoeuvres of
pliability are as necessary to rise in the world, as wrangling and logical
subtlety are to rise at the bar: why you see, sir, I have acquired a noble
fortune, a princely fortune--and how do you think I raised it?
_Eger_. Doubtless, sir, by your abilities.
_Sir Per_. Doubtless, sir, you are a blockhead:--nai, sir, I'll tell you
how I raised it. Sir, I raised it--by bowing; [_Bows ridiculously low._]
by bowing: sir, I never could stand straight in the presence of a great
man, but always bowed, and bowed, and bowed--as it were by instinct.
_Eger_. How do you mean by instinct, sir?
_Sir Per_. How do I mean by instinct? why, sir, I mean by--by--by the
instinct of interest, sir, which is the universal instinct of mankind.
Sir, it is wonderful to think, what a cordial, what an amicable, nay, what
an infallible influence, bowing has upon the pride and vanity of human
nature. Charles, answer me sincerely, have you a mind to be convinced of
the force of my doctrine, by example and demonstration?
_Eger_. Certainly, sir.
_Sir Per_. Then, sir, as the greatest favour I can confer upon you, I'll
give you a short sketch of the stages of my bowing,--as an excitement, and
a landmark for you to bow be--and as an infallible nostrum to rise in the
world.
_Eger_. Sir, I shall be proud to profit by your experience.
_Sir Per_. Vary weel, sir: sit ye down then, sit you down here: _[They sit
down_.]--and now, sir, you must recall to your thoughts, that your
grandfather was a man, whose penurious income of half pay was the sum
total of his fortune;--and, sir, aw my provision fra him was a modicum of
Latin, an expertness in arithmetic, and a short system of worldly counsel;
the principal ingredients of which were, a persevering industry, a rigid
economy, a smooth tongue, a pliability of temper, and a constant attention
to make every man well pleased with himself.
_Eger_. Very prudent advice, sir.
_Sir Per_. Therefore, sir, I lay it before you.--Now, sir, with these
materials I set out a raw-boned stripling fra the north, to try my fortune
with them here in the south; and my first step intill the world was, a
beggarly clerkship in Sawney Gordon's counting house, here in the city of
London, which you'll say afforded but a barren sort of a prospect.
_Eger_. It was not a very fertile one indeed, sir.
_Sir Per_. The reverse, the reverse: weel, sir, seeing myself in this
unprofitable situation, I reflected deeply; I cast about my thoughts
morning, noon, and night, and markt every man and every mode of
prosperity,--at last I concluded that a matrimonial adventure, prudently
conducted, would be the readiest gait I could gang for the bettering of my
condition, and accordingly I set about it: now, sir, in this pursuit,
beauty! beauty!--ah! beauty often struck mine een, and played about my
heart! and fluttered, and beat, and knocked, and knocked, but the devil an
entrance I ever let it get;--for I observed, sir, that beauty--is
generally--a proud, vain, saucy, expensive, impertinent sort of a
commodity.
_Eger_. Very justly observed, sir.
_Sir Per_. And therefore, sir, I left it to prodigals and coxcombs, that
could afford to pay for it; and in its stead, sir, mark! I looked out for
an ancient, weel-jointured, superannuated dowager:--a consumptive,
toothless, ptisicky, wealthy widow,--or a shrivelled, cadaverous piece of
deformity in the shape of an izzard, or a appersi-and,--or, in short, ainy
thing, ainy thing that had the siller, the siller,--for that, sir, was the
north star of my affections. Do you take me, sir; was nai that right?
_Eger_. O! doubtless--doubtless, sir.
_Sir Per_. Now, sir, where do you think I ganged to look for this woman
with the siller?--nai till court, nai till playhouses or assemblies--nai,
sir. I ganged till the kirk, till the anabaptist, independent, bradlonian,
and muggletonian meetings; till the morning and evening service of
churches and chapels of ease, and till the midnight, melting, conciliating
love-feasts of the methodists; and there, sir, at last, I fell upon an
old, slighted, antiquated, musty maiden, that looked--ha, ha, ha! she
looked just like a skeleton in a surgeon's glass case. Now, sir, this
miserable object was religiously angry with herself and aw the world; had
nai comfort but in metaphysical visions, and supernatural deliriums; ha,
ha, ha! Sir, she was as mad--as mad as a Bedlamite.
_Eger_. Not improbable, sir, there are numbers of poor creatures in the
same condition.
_Sir Per_. O! numbers--numbers. Now, sir, this cracked creature used to
pray, and sing, and sigh, and groan, and weep, and wail, and gnash her
teeth constantly, morning and evening, at the Tabernacle in Moorfields:
and as soon as I found she had the siller, aha! guid traith, I plumpt me
down upon my knees, close by her--cheek by jowl--and prayed, and sighed,
and sung, and groaned, and gnashed my teeth as vehemently as she could do
for the life of her; ay, and turned up the whites of mine een, till the
strings awmost crackt again:--I watcht her motions, handed her till her
chair, waited on her home, got most religiously intimate with her in a
week,--married her in a fortnight, buried her in a month;--touched the
siller, and with a deep suit of mourning, a melancholy port, a sorrowful
visage, and a joyful heart, I began the world again;--and this, sir, was
the first bow, that is, the first effectual bow, I ever made till the
vanity of human nature:--now, sir, do you understand this doctrine?
_Eger_. Perfectly well, sir.
_Sir Per_. Ay, but was it not right? was it not ingenious, and weel hit
off?
_Eger_. Certainly, sir: extremely well.
_Sir Per_. My next bow, sir, was till your ain mother, whom I ran away
with fra the boarding school; by the interest of whose family I got a guid
smart place in the Treasury:--and, sir, my vary next step was intill
Parliament; the which I entered with as ardent and as determined an
ambition as ever agitated the heart of Cæsar himself. Sir, I bowed, and
watched, and hearkened, and ran about, backwards and forwards; and
attended, and dangled upon the then great man, till I got intill the vary
bowels of his confidence,--and then, sir, I wriggled, and wrought, and
wriggled, till I wriggled myself among the very thick of them: hah! I got
my snack of the clothing, the foraging, the contracts, the lottery
tickets--and aw the political bonusses;--till at length, sir, I became a
much wealthier man than one half of the golden calves I had been so long a
bowing to: [_He rises, and_ Eger. _rises too._]--and was nai that bowing
to some purpose?
_Eger_. It was indeed, sir.
_Sir Per_. But are you convinced of the guid effects, and of the utility
of bowing?
_Eger_. Thoroughly, sir.
_Sir Per_. Sir, it is infallible:--but, Charles, ah! while I was thus
bowing, and wriggling, and raising this princely fortune,--ah! I met with
many heart-sores and disappointments fra the want of literature,
eloquence, and other popular abeleties. Sir, guin I could but have spoken
in the house, I should have done the deed in half the time; but the
instant I opened my mouth there, they aw fell a laughing at me;--aw which
deficiencies, sir, I determined, at any expence, to have supplied by the
polished education of a son, who, I hoped, would one day raise the house
of Macsycophant till the highest pitch of ministerial ambition. This, sir,
is my plan: I have done my part of it; Nature has done hers: you are
popular, you are eloquent; aw parties like and respect you; and now, sir,
it only remains for you to be directed--completion follows.
_Eger_. Your liberality, sir, in my education, and the judicious choice
you made of the worthy gentleman, to whose virtue and abilities you
entrusted me, are obligations I shall ever remember with the deepest
filial gratitude.