(_MEMBERS OF THE NEW CORPS OF DOMESTIC SERVANTS ARE CALLED
LEGIONARIES_.)
Sole hope of this my household, martial maid
Whom ordered ranks and discipline austere
Have shaped (I gather) for a braver trade,
So that respect, not all unmixed with fear,
Informs my breast as I await you here,
Your title, with its stern Cæsarian touch,
Does, to be frank, alarm me very much.
Come not, I pray you, to my casual home
(Where moulting cats usurp the best arm-chair)
With the harsh practices of Ancient Rome,
The brow severe, the you-be-careful air
Which (on the film) all legionaries wear;
My dream is just a regulated ease;
Rules, if you like, but not too stringent, please.
Come not with rude awakenings, nor request
That I at stated hours must rise and feed;
I like my morning slumber much the best
And hate a life by drastic laws decreed
(I'm not a Persian born, nor yet a Mede);
No, but with step demure and tactful come,
And if soft music greet you, oh, be dumb!
In careless comfort let my days be spent!
And, maiden, mutual happiness shall reign;
The crash of crockery I'll not lament
Nor (when I fain would sing) will I complain
Though you should raise the far from dulcet strain;
But with a sweet content I'll bless the day
My legionary came, and came to stay.
* * * * *
"LOST, large retriever dog, flat-coated; when pleased or
expectant he grins, showing all his teeth; information leading
to his recovery will be rewarded."--_Glasgow Herald_.
It is supposed that he has been studying the portraits of "Variety"
ladies in the illustrated papers.
* * * * *
"He must, said Mr. Thomas, urge men to recognise that, in the
present state of the country, it was imperative that soppages
should be avoided."--_Liverpool Paper_.
Excellent advice; but in the present state of the country, unless one
wears waders, extremely difficult to follow.
* * * * *
"WANTED.--A suitable match for a well-connected and refined
Suri widower of 37; healthy and of good moral character;
monthly income about 500 rupees. Possesses property. Late
wife died last week."--_Indian Paper_.
It is a sign of the truly moral character to be definitely off with
the old love before you are on with the new.
* * * * *
"The five main points in the Prime Minister's programme are:
(1) Punch the ex-Kaiser."--_Sunday Times_ (_Johannesburg_).
The other four don't matter, but we wish to take the earliest
opportunity of denying this totally unfounded suggestion. Mr. Punch
is not the ex-Kaiser, and never was.
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Late Superintendent of Munition Canteen_ (_in dairy
where she has dealt for over three years_). "AND YOU WON'T FORGET THE
CREAM AS USUAL."
_Dairy Girl_. "SORRY, MADAM. I REGRET YOU CANNOT HAVE ANY MORE CREAM,
AS YOU HAVE CEASED TO BE OF NATIONAL IMPORTANCE."]
* * * * *