Bonnie looked up, the blank despair on her face again. "I don't
remember--" she said haltingly. "Someone I used to--know--"
"It makes no difference," Jorden said. "What matters is that you love me
and you're going to stay with me. Let's put these things away now,
darling. I know how you've felt the past week, but we've got to put it
behind us and look forward to the future. Roddy would want it that way."
"There's no future to look forward to," said Bonnie dully. "Nothing here
on Serrengia. There's no meaning to any of us being here. I'm going back
to Earth."
"It does have a meaning! If I could only make you see it. If you could
only understand why I had to come--"
"Then tell me if you know! You've never tried to tell me. You live as if
you know something so deep and secret you can live by it every hour of
your life and find meaning in it. But I can only guess at what it is
you've chosen for your god. If it's anything but some illusion, put it
into words and make me know it, too!"
"I've never tried," said Jorden hesitantly. "I've never tried to put it
into words. It's something I didn't know was in me until I heard of the
chance to colonize Serrengia. And then I knew I had to come.
"It's like a growing that you feel in every cell. It's a growing out and
away, and it's what you have to do. You're a sperm--an ovum--and if you
don't leave the parent body you die. You don't have to hate what you
leave behind as James and Boggs and so many of the others do. It gave
you life, and for that you're grateful. But you've got to have a life of
your own.
"It's what I was born to do, Bonnie. I didn't know it was there, but now
I've found it I can't kill it."
"You have to kill it--or me."
"You don't mean that. You're part of me. You've been a part of me so
long you feel what I feel. You're lying, Bonnie, when you say you're
going away. You don't want to go. You want to go on with me, but
something's holding you back. What is it, Bonnie? Tell me what it is
that holds you back!"
Her eyes went wide. For a moment she thought he was talking out of the
real situation, not the make-believe of the test. Then she recognized
the impossibility of this. Her eyes cast a pleading glance in the
direction of the observation tubes.
Ashby spoke fiercely: "Go on, Bonnie! Don't lose the tension. Push him.
We've got to know. He's almost there!"
She moved slowly to the dresser where she had laid Jorden's hunting
knife previously, as if with no particular intent. Now, out of sight of
Jorden, her hand touched it. She picked it up.