(_THIRD EXAMPLE._)
Two examples of a correct sporting style have been already laid before
the public. For convenience of reference they may be defined as the
mixed-pugilistic and the insolent. There is, however, a third variety,
the equine, in which everyone who aspires to wield the pen of a
sporting reporter must necessarily be a proficient. It may be well to
warn a beginner that he must not attempt this style until he has laid
in a large stock of variegated metaphoric expressions. As a matter of
fact one horse-race is very much like another in its main incidents,
and the process of betting against or in favour of one horse
resembles, more or less, the process of betting about any other. The
point is, however, to impart to monotonous incidents a variety they
do not possess; and to do this properly a luxuriant vocabulary is
essential. For instance, in the course of a race, some horses tire,
or, to put it less offensively, go less rapidly than others. The
reporter will say of such a horse that he (1) "shot his bolt," or
(2) "cried _peccavi_," or (3) "cried a go," or (4) "compounded," or
(5) "exhibited signals of distress," or (6) "fired minute guns," or
(7) "fell back to mend his bellows," or (8) "seemed to pause for
reflection."
Again, in recording the upward progress of horses in the betting
market, it would be ridiculous to say of all of them merely that they
became hot favourites. Vary, therefore, occasionally, by saying of
one, for example, that "here was another case of one being eventually
served up warm"; of another, that "plenty of the talent took 7 to 4
about _Mousetrap_;" of a third, that "_Paradox_ had the call at 4 to
1;" and of a fourth, that "a heap of money, and good money too, went
on _Backslide_." After these preliminary instructions, _Mr. Punch_
offers his
_Third Example_.--Event to be described: A horse-race. Names of horses
and jockeys, weights, &c., supplied.
Considerable delay took place. _Little Benjy_ made a complete hole
in his manners by bolting. Eventually, however, the flag tell to a
capital start. _Burglar Bill_ on the right cut out the work[1] from
_Paladin_, who soon began to blow great guns, and after a quarter of a
mile had been negotiated yielded his pride of place to _Cudlums_ with
_The P'liceman_ in attendance, _Sobriety_ lying fourth, and _D. T._
close behind. Thus they raced to the bend, where _Burglar Bill_ cried
_peccavi_, and _Cudlums_ having shot her bolt, _Sobriety_ was left in
front, only to be challenged by _Cropeared Sue_, who had been coming
through her horses with a wet sail. Bounding the bend SIMPSON called
upon _Mrs. Brady_ and literally took tea with her rivals,[2] whom he
nailed to the counter one after another. The favourite compounded at
the distance, and _Mrs. Brady_ romped home the easiest of winners,
four lengths ahead of _Cropeared Sue_; a bad third. The rest
were whipped in by _Flyaway_, who once more failed to justify the
appellation bestowed upon him.
_Mr. Punch_ flatters himself that, upon the above model, the report of
any race-meeting could be accurately constructed at home. In future,
therefore, no reporter should go to the expense of leaving London for
Epsom, Newmarket, Ascot, or Goodwood.
[Footnote 1: Note this sentence. It is essential.]
[Footnote 2: At first sight it would appear more natural that SIMPSON
(presumably a jockey) having called upon _Mrs. Brady_, should take tea
with _her_ rather than with her rivals. But a sporting style involves
us in puzzles.]
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