FAST. Let's take her into her own room, she'll be better there!
_They take her into room, R._
AUGUS. (_rising_) Am I awake, or dreaming? Is this my quiet home,
converted into a perfect pandemonium? Constantia, the virtuous
Constantia, the wife of two husbands! Indelicate position! (_crosses
to R._)
_Enter MRS. BROWN, C. D. from R._
MRS. BROWN. (L.) Oh, I beg your pardon--I thought I would just mention
to Mrs. Bobbins, that I had engaged--
AUGUS. (_interrupting her_) Fly, Mrs. Duval! Leave me--this is no
place for you!
MRS. BROWN. Has anything happened? You appear much disturbed.
AUGUS. Fly, ma'am, fly! Don't aggravate my misfortunes by remaining
any longer in this room. (_whispers_) He suspects me--I have had such
a scene with him.
MRS. BROWN. With who?
AUGUS. Only think of the consequences if he should surprise us
together!
MRS. BROWN. Who are you talking of?
AUGUS. Haven't you seen him, then? Don't you know he's returned?
MRS. BROWN. How am I to understand who it is you mean?
AUGUS. (_whispers_) He is now in the house.
MRS. BROWN. Who--who, I say?
AUGUS. (_whispers_) Your husband!
MRS. BROWN. Vandyke! My dear Vandyke come home--and now in the
house--without my having seen him! I can't believe it. (_imploringly_)
Don't keep me in suspense--say, what does it all mean?
AUGUS. Goodness only knows. It's all a riddle to me.
(_BOBBINS completely overcome, drops his head on MRS. BROWN'S
shoulder_)
_Enter VANDYKE BROWN, L. C._
VAN. (C.) Ah, now I have you! (_crossing to L._) This is occular
proof!
MRS. BROWN. (_C., running to VANDYKE_) Is this reality? My dear--dear
Vandyke come home to me!
VAN. (_L., repulsing her_) Touch me not--perjured woman!
MRS. BROWN. (_amazed_) Vandyke!
VAN. Avaunt, I say, abandoned female!
MRS. BROWN. Abandoned!
VAN. To what hast thou fallen! Cleopatra and her aspics, Clytemnestra,
and the Queen in Hamlet, are all outdone by thee!
MRS. BROWN. Why, Van, you goose, who can have put this nonsense into
your head?
VAN. (_pointing to BOBBINS, R._) That reverend Antony--that old
Ægisthus--that miserable Claudius, King of Denmark, there.
AUGUS. (_aside to MRS. BROWN, getting behind her in a violent fright_)
Do try and pacify him--he's foaming at the mouth!
MRS. BROWN. (_aside to VANDYKE_) Van--Van, I'll never forgive you for
this. Why, where's your head? Jealous of such an object as that!
(_pointing to BOBBINS_) Look at him.
VAN. There's no accounting for taste. Besides, what do you say to your
other cavalier, the youthful Fastman?
MRS. BROWN. What now--the youthful Fastman?
AUGUS. Fastman--who I only just this minute discovered on his knees
before my wife!
VAN. (_rushing across to BOBBINS, who runs behind table, R._) Ah, you
dare to call her so to my face! (_MRS. BROWN runs after VANDYKE, and
holds him_)
AUGUS. Police--police!
MRS. BROWN. Now, my dear Van--how can you imagine that your own little
Emily--
VAN. (_throwing her off, L._) Imagine--false woman--imagine! Ha, ha,
ha! but don't suppose that I mind it. (_throwing BOBBINS round to L._)
Take your vile cabinet maker--don't think I'm going to commit suicide.
No, no--_I've_ a friend in a corner that will console me. She loves me
to distraction. She followed me all the way from the Waterloo Station.
I'll run off with her before your eyes. Come in, madam, come
in--there's no occasion to hide yourself any longer.
_Goes to R. D., and brings out MRS. BOBBINS, who opposes him in
confusion._
AUGUS. My wife!
MRS. BROWN. Mrs. Bobbins!
VAN. Mrs. Bobbins! is he (_pointing to BOBBINS_) your husband?
MRS. BOBBINS. (_aside to VANDYKE._) Hush! hush! don't say a word about
having met me on the railway before my husband.
VAN. (_to MRS. BOBBINS_) So you're his wife! So much the better! It's
poetical justice! You have overheard all, I suppose? (_pointing to
MRS. BROWN_) You see who he has given you up for--my wife!
MRS. BOBBINS. Your wife? (_aside_) This can't be true!
VAN. My wife--my infamous wife, who I resign in your favour.
MRS. BROWN. (_L. crying_) Oh! Vandyke, Vandyke! after all my tried
affection for you!
VAN. (_to MRS. BOBBINS_) Come, madam! come with me! (_drawing her
towards him_) Let us be revenged upon them both.
MRS. BOBBINS. (_to VANDYKE_) Let me alone, sir! let me alone!
Augustus, come to my assistance! Why do you suffer him to treat me
like this?
(_BOBBINS turns his back to her indignantly._)
VAN. It's all fair! Exchange is no robbery! He takes my wife--I take
his. You see your husband does not object.
AUGUS. Not I! As she has two husbands already, she may as well take a
third. Clap hands and a bargain--I agree to the chop. (_meets in
centre and shake hands_)
MRS. BROWN. BOBBINS. BROWN. MRS. BOBBINS.
R. C.
MRS. BOBBINS. (_crying and crossing to L. C._) Oh, oh, Augustus! what,
desert me after all my forbearance and exemplary conduct? Oh, oh, you
cruel man!
MRS. BROWN. (_crying and crossing to R. C._) Oh, Vandyke! Vandyke!
(_MRS. BOBBINS and MRS. BROWN cross at the same time while speaking,
and throw themselves into their husbands' arms. VANDYKE turns up
stage, R. indignantly--BOBBINS turns up indignantly._
_Enter FASTMAN and REBECCA, C._
REBECCA. Oh, come, here they are--that's fortunate!
FAST. (_throwing himself at MRS. BOBBINS feet_) Really, Mrs. Bobbins,
I am overwhelmed with confusion!
VANDYKE. BOBBINS. REBECCA.
MRS. BROWN. FASTMAN. MRS. BOBBINS.
R. L.
VAN. (_taking hold of FASTMAN'S right hand, pulls him towards MRS.
BROWN_) No, no! you have mistaken your lady--pay your vows here,
sir--here sir!
AUGUS. (_taking FASTMAN'S left hand_) I say fair play to that. No
poaching on my manor. (_pulling him towards MRS. BOBBINS_)
FAST. (_shaking them off_) Be off, both of you! Go to Bath and get
your heads shaved. (_throwing himself on his knees to MRS. BOBBINS_)
How am I to apologise? How am I ever to make amends for my outrageous
conduct? I beg your pardon a thousand, and a thousand times! But it
was all this gentleman's fault--(_pointing to VANDYKE_) he told me
that you were his wife! (_rises_)
VAN. I! I told you she was my wife!
MRS. BOBBINS. Impossible!
FAST. Indeed he did, and I should still have thought so if it hadn't
been for the landlady of these apartments, who, on hearing the
disturbance just now, and Mrs. Bobbins going into hysterics, slipped
into the passage, as I was leaving the house to inquire what was the
matter, and I had no sooner begun to explain than she burst into fits
of laughter, and in a very few words cleared up the mystery.
VAN. No chaffing, young man! This is some of your humbug!
FAST. Only listen to me for one moment and you'll soon be
convinced--the whole truth of the matter is simply this--before you
went abroad you and your wife were occupying these rooms--
MRS. BOBBINS. (_interrupting him_) To be sure! of course--now I see it
all! which we have taken since, and this lady has gone up stairs--he
has mistaken the floor! (_FASTMAN goes up to REBECCA, at back_)
VAN. (_to his wife_) What, do you mean to say that you have moved,
then?
MRS. BROWN. I'll explain all that, Vandyke, by and by.
VAN. Oh! I see--to avoid the creditors, eh!