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SCENE.--_Mr. Bobbins's Lodgings. Chamber, C. D., backed by a
window--doors, R. and L.--table, R., chairs, books, newspaper--table,
arm chair R. of table, chair L.--table against flat, R., with bust of
Shakespeare--table against flat, L., with vase of flowers_.
MRS. BOBBINS. (_within, R. D._) It's useless your denying it, Mr.
Bobbins! I saw you do it--I saw you do it with my own eyes, sir!
AUGUS. (_within, R. D._) My dear Constantia!--before the servants!
MRS. BOBBINS. (_within, R. D._) Leave the room this instant, Rebecca!
Leave the room, I say! You'll quit my service this day month.
REBECCA. (_within, R._) Certainly, ma'am! certainly! with all my
heart!
_Enter REBECCA, R. D., slapping the door behind her._
Was there ever such a temper as missus? I never see such a one--never!
If master will keep staring at me, is that my fault, I should like to
know?
_Enter FASTMAN, door C. from L._
FAST. (L.) Rebecca!--just one word!
REBECCA. (R.) Here's that tiresome Mr. Fastman again.
FAST. Well, have you anything to tell me? When is she coming home?
REBECCA. Lor, sir! why should you want to know? Missus has come
home--she came home this morning.
FAST. No! you don't say so! Where is she?
REBECCA. Where is she?--why, where should she be? In the next room, at
breakfast with her husband, to be sure.
FAST. The deuce she is! Don't talk so loud.
REBECCA. Why not? _I'm_ not ashamed of what I'm saying.
FAST. Come home at last, then. Ah! (_sighs_) your mistress is a
beautiful woman, Rebecca.
REBECCA. Beautiful?--that depends upon opinion; for my part, I don't
like tall women.
FAST. I admire tall women. It seems to me an age since she has been
away.
REBECCA. It may seem so to you, sir, but it hasn't to me, I promise
you. I'm sure I wish she had stayed away ten times as long--for the
first thing she has done on her return has been to give me warning.
FAST. Give you warning! What for?
REBECCA. Ah! what for, indeed?--you must ask her that. She is jealous
of that husband of hers. She surprised him, just now, at breakfast,
making eyes at me. How could I help it?
FAST. Oh, fie, Rebecca? What! do you encourage your master in that
sort of thing?
REBECCA. I encourage him, indeed?--well I'm sure!--with a
twelvemonth's character from my last place.
FAST. I beg your pardon--well I am sorry you are going to leave--you
are such a nice obliging young woman, and I was going to ask you if
you couldn't manage to--to give this letter.
REBECCA. To my master!
FAST. No, not exactly that, Rebecca, to your mistress.
REBECCA. Indeed, sir! I shall do nothing of the sort, you had better
give it her yourself.
FAST. But I should never have the face, I tell you. There is something
about Mrs. Bobbins that keeps me so completely at a distance,
something so modest, so correct and proper--come, now, you are not
going to be illnatured, see here's a queen's head for it. (_showing
her half a crown_)
REBECCA. Sir, I'm ashamed of you, I'll have nothing to do with it!
FAST. Only give her the letter, and I'll help you to a place.
REBECCA. No, will you though? (_eyeing the money which he forces on
her, with the letter_) No! really I can't! no, no! Well if you insist
upon my taking the money--(_aside--taking the money_) But I'll be
hanged if I give her the letter.
FAST. Yes, I know of a place that will suit you exactly, without your
going out of the house. Mrs. Duval on the second floor here is in want
of just such a pretty, clever girl as you are, to help her in her
fancy work.
REBECCA. Why how did you come to know her, sir?
FAST. How did I come to know her? why, my sisters buy their wools of
her, she embroiders my shirt fronts, marks my pocket handkerchiefs for
me--you can't be in better hands; she is a most respectable person,
and a first rate temper.
MRS. BOBBINS. (_without R._) No, Augustus! no, Mr. Bobbins, I say she
shall not remain.
AUGUS. (_without_) Nay, but Constantia!
MRS. BOBBINS. Silence, sir, I won't hear a word.
FAST. Why there's your mistress at high words with Mr. Bobbins.
REBECCA. That's nothing new, sir.
FAST. I must beat a retreat! (_going_) But I'll run up stairs before I
go, and speak to Mrs. Duval for you. Don't forget the letter.
_Exit FASTMAN, C. to R._
_Enter MR. BOBBINS, R., in a dressing gown, followed by MRS. BOBBINS._
MRS. BOBBINS. Yes, Augustus! yes Mr. Bobbins, I repeat it, she shall
not remain any longer!
AUGUS. But, my dear, this conduct of yours is downright oriental
despotism; of all the tyrannies, there are none like the domestic.
MRS. BOBBINS. She shall go this very day! It's most abominable! I'll
pay her wages and send her about her business!
REBECCA. (_coming down, C._) Oh, very well, ma'am, just as you please
about that! I'm sure I don't want to stay--a month's warning, or a
month's wages!
MRS. BOBBINS. Oh, you are there, are you! Bold faced young woman, take
your wages. (_giving her money_) Pack up your things and prepare to
leave my service to-night.
REBECCA. (_counting the money_) Sixteen and eightpence, all right,
ma'am, and as for my place that is no great loss I'm sure! I can
easily get a better! I have only to choose. (_aside and tossing her
head as she goes out, C. to L._) Straightlaced crosspatch; she's more
fit for an old maid, than a married woman.
AUGUS. (_in chair, L._) Another victim to your implacable jealousy,
Constantia.
MRS. BOBBINS. (R.) Jealous of you! ha, ha, ha! Really Augustus, you
have a good opinion of yourself.
AUGUS. (_offended, and rising_) Jealous of me, yes to be sure, why
not? You know you are; we can't keep a servant in the place for it; we
have been married scarcely three years, and this is the nineteenth you
have discharged.
MRS. BOBBINS. Well, sir, and whose fault is that? A man without the
slightest sense of common propriety! or what is due to his own dignity
as a master of a family!
AUGUS. Go on, my dear, go on!
MRS. BOBBINS. My first husband never treated me so!
AUGUS. Comparisons are odious, Mrs. Bobbins. That first husband of
yours was a very remarkable fellow.
MRS. BOBBINS. You needn't think to pass it off so, sir: if this is
your behaviour before my face, I tremble to think what your conduct
may have been behind my back, during my absence.
AUGUS. Now, Constantia! my dear! Do I everlastingly torment you with
inquiries into _your_ conduct during _my_ absence? Here have you been
scouring the country to Salisbury alone, after a legacy, which, for
anything I can discover, appears to be all a bam, and do I annoy you
on your return with ridiculous jealous fits? On the contrary, don't I
promote and fall into all your little plans and amusements?
MRS. BOBBINS. Amusement! Do you think it's any amusement to me to be
worried out of my life with lawyers, and business I don't understand?
There's a fresh difficulty now about a cousin abroad. If you were like
other husbands, you would never suffer a young and pretty wife, more
than twenty years your junior, to travel about alone.
AUGUS. Oh, my dear, I have a thorough confidence in you--there's a
rigidity of propriety about your deportment, that will always act as
an efficient safeguard in the hour of danger.
MRS. BOBBINS. Don't make too sure of that. Don't provoke me by your
indifference to retaliate!--I should soon find an opportunity--
AUGUS. Oh, oh, oh, oh!
MRS. BOBBINS. You should have seen the assiduous--the delicate
attentions I received in the train, all the way between the
Bishopstoke station and town, from an elegant, foreign looking
gentleman--such a pair of moustachios!