We have received upon an unimpeachable authority the verbatim
account of an interview between him and his medical adviser, which
we think thoroughly explains the present deadlock in Imperial
affairs. We are assured upon oath that he was in bed when the
doctor called just before noon yesterday, and that the following
dialogue took place:--
MINISTER (_in bed_)--Good morning, Doctor, I am glad to see you.
What can I do for you?... I mean, I am glad to see you. Pray excuse
the inadvertence of my phrase, it is one that I have lately had to
use not a little.
DOCTOR--Pray let me look at your tongue and feel your pulse. So. We
are getting along nicely. At what hour were you thinking of rising?
MINISTER--At twelve, my usual hour. I see no reason for lying in
bed, Doctor. (_There was a despairing tone in this phrase_). I am
well enough, Doctor, well enough. (_Here he gazed sadly out of
the window into St. James’s Park_). I am a Minister, but I cannot
minister to a mind diseased (_this rather bitterly_). There is
nothing the matter with me.
DOCTOR (_cheerily_)--My dear Mr. ----, do not talk so. You will be
spared many, many useful years, I hope. Indeed, I am sure. There
is, as you say, nothing the matter--nothing organically the matter;
this lassitude and nervous exhaustion from which you suffer is a
distressing, but a common symptom of mental activity. (_Here the
doctor dived into a black bag_). Let me sound the chest.
MINISTER--Will it hurt? (_This was said rather anxiously_).
DOCTOR--Not a bit of it. I only wish to make assurance doubly
sure--as we say in the profession. (_He put the stethoscope to the
chest of the Cabinet Minister_). Now, draw a deep breath ... no,
deeper than that ... a really deep breath.
MINISTER (_gasping_)--I can’t.
DOCTOR--Tut, tut.... Well, it’s all a question of lungs. (_Here he
moved the stethoscope again_). Now sing.
MINISTER--La! La!... La!
DOCTOR--Nothing wrong with the lungs. Only a little feeble perhaps.
Do you take any exercise?
MINISTER (_wearily_)--Oh! yes ... I walk about.... I used to walk
a lot in Ireland.... I’m not like Ch----n; he never takes any
exercise (_bitterly_); but then, he was brought up differently.
(_Sadly_) Oh Doctor! I am so tired!... My back aches.
DOCTOR--Well, Mr. ----, a little rest will do you all the good in
the world. You have the Easter recess in which to take a thorough
rest. Do not lie in bed all day; get up about five and drive to
your club. Whatever you do, don’t write or think, and don’t let
them worry you with callers. (_The Doctor here prepared to leave_).
MINISTER (_hopelessly_)--Doctor ... there is something I want to
ask you.... _Can’t_ I give it up?
DOCTOR (_firmly_)--No, Mr. ----, no. Upon no account. I have told
your uncle and your cousins so fifty times. It is a point upon
which I must be firm. Politics are a necessity to you all. I would
not answer for you if it were not for politics. (_Sympathetically_)
You are none of you strong.
MINISTER (_heaving a deep sigh_)--No. I am not strong.... Alas!...
Chaplin is. But then, Chaplin’s built differently.... I wish you
would let me give it up, Doctor?
DOCTOR (_kindly_)--No, my dear Mr. ----, _No!_ Pray put such
thoughts out of your head. Every man must occupy his brain and
body. Most men discover or choose an occupation, but I have not
been a family doctor for thirty years without distinguishing these
from such rare organisms as yours--and your family’s. The House
of Commons is the saving of you. (_The Doctor here paused, gazed
anxiously at Mr. ----, and said slowly_) Perhaps, though, you take
your work too seriously. It is often so with highly strung men. Do
as little as you can.
MINISTER--I do ... but still it wearies me inexpressibly..
DOCTOR--Not so much as writing a book would, or travel, or country
walks.
MINISTER (_shaking his head_)--I never felt so tired after “It
May be True,” nor even after “I Greatly Doubt It,” as I do now
(_smiling a little_). They sold well.
DOCTOR--And why? Because you were engaged in politics. Believe me,
dear Mr. ----, without that one regular employment you would do
little or nothing. It is the balance-wheel that regulates your
whole system. Change the rules, and, if you will, limit debate to a
minimum, but do not think of giving up the one thing that keeps up
your circulation. More men die from inanition than I care to tell
you.
MINISTER--Very well, Doctor ... (_weakly and quietly_) it is nearly
one; I must sleep ... Good-bye.
_The Doctor here went out on tip-toe. The Minister slept. There was
a great silence._
* * * * *
The _Evening German_ suffered severely, and would have been ruined
but for the prompt action of the Frankfort House; and the whole
incident shows as clearly as possible what perils surround the most
tempting, but the most speculative, sort of journalistic enterprise.
The student may tell me--and justly--that I have offered him none
but negative examples. I will complete his instruction by printing
one of the best chosen Revelations I know.
At the time when a number of letters addressed to Mr. Kruger by
various public men were captured, and very rightly published, a
certain number were, for reasons of State, suppressed. To Dr.
Caliban, reasons of State were no reasons; he held that no servant
of the people had a right to keep the people in ignorance.
Within a week, a detective in his employ had brought a little
sheaf of documents, which, judged by internal evidence alone, were
plainly genuine.
They were printed at once. They have never since been challenged.