I dinna think that in a' nature there's a mair curiouser cratur than
a monkey. I mak this observe frae being witness to an extraordinar'
event that took place in Hamilton. Folk may talk as they like about
monkeys, and cry them down for being stupid and mischievous, I for
ane will no gang that length. Whatever they may be on the score
of mischief, there can be nae doubt, that, sae far as gumption is
concerned, they are just uncommon; and for wit and fun they would beat
ony man black and blue. In fact, I dinna think that monkeys are beasts
ava. I hae a half notion that they are just wee hairy men that canna,
or rather that winna speak, in case they be made to work like ither
folk, instead of leading a life of idleness.
But to the point: I ance had a monkey, ane of the drollest-looking
deevils ye ever saw. He was gayan big for a monkey, and was hairy
a' ower, except his face and his bit hurdies, which had a degree of
bareness about them, and were nearly as saft as a lady's loof. Weel,
what think ye that I did wi' the beastie? Odds, man, I dressed him up
like a Heelandman, and put a kilt upon him, and a lang-tailed red
coat, and a blue bannet, which for security's sake I tied, woman-like,
below his chin wi' twa bits of yellow ribbon. I not only did this, but
I learnt him to walk upon his twa hinder legs, and to carry a stick
in his right hand when he gaed out, the better to support him in his
peregrinations. He was for a' the world like a wee man in kilts.
Weel, it turned out in this manner, as ye shall hear. Ae afternoon
towards the glomin' I was oblegated to tak' a stap doun to the cross,
wi' a web under my arm, which I had finished for Mr. Weft, the muslin
manufacturer. By way of frolic, a gayan foolish ane I allow, I brocht
Nosey (the monkey's name,) alang wi' me. He had on, as for ordinar',
his Heeland dress, and walkit behint me, wi' the bit stick in his
hand, and his tail sticking out frae below his kilt, as if he had been
my flunky. It was, after a', a queer sicht, and, as may be supposed, I
drew a haill crowd of bairns after me, bawling out, "Here's Willy
M'Gee's monkey," and gi'eing him nits and gingerbread, and makin' as
muckle of the cratur as could be; for Nosey was a great favourite in
the town, and everbody likit him for his droll tricks, and the way he
used to girn, and dance, and tumble ower his head, to amuse them.
On entering Mr. Weft's shop, I faund it empty; there wasna a leeving
soul within. I supposed he had gane out for a licht; and being gayan
familiar wi' him, I took a stap ben to the back shop, leaving Nosey in
the fore ane. I sat for twa or three minutes, but naebody made his
appearance. At last the front door, which I had ta'en care to shut
after me, opened, and I look't to see wha it could be, thinking that,
nae doubt, it was Mr. Weft, or his apprentice. It was neither the ane
nor the ither, but a strong middle-aged, red-faced Heelandman, wi'
specks on, and wi' a kilt and a bannet, by a' the world like my
monkey's. Now, what think ye Nosey was about a' this time? He was
sittin' behind the counter upon the lang three-leggit stool that stood
fornent Mr. Weft's desk, and was turning ower the leaves of his
ledger, wi' a look which, for auld-fashioned sagaciousness, was
wonderfu' to behold. I was sae tickled at the sight that I paid nae
sort of attention to the Heelandman, but continued looking frae the
back shop at Nosey, lauching a' the time in my sleeve--for I jealoused
that some queer scene would tak' place between the twa. And I wasna
far wrang, for the stranger, takin' out a pound frae his spleuchan,
handed it ower to the monkey, and speered at him, in his droll norlan
deealect, if he could change a note. When I heard this I thocht I
would hae lauched outricht; and naething but sheer curiosity to see
how the thing would end made me keep my gravity. It was plain that
Donald had ta'en Nosey for ane of his ain countrymen--and the thing
after a' wasna greatly to be wondered at, and that for three
reasons:--
Firstly, the shop was rather darkish.
Secondly, the Heelandman had on specks, as I hae just said; and it was
likely on this account that he was rather short-sighted; and
Thirdly, Nosey, wi' his kilt, and bannet, and red coat, was, to a'
intents and purposes, as like a human creatur as a monkey could weel
be.
Nae sooner, then, had he got the note, than he opened it out, and
lookit at it wi' his wee glowrin', restless een, as if to see that it
wasna a forgery. He then shook his head like a doctor, when he's no
very sure what's wrang wi' a person, but wants to mak' it appear that
he kens a' about it--and continued in this style till the Heelandman's
patience began to get exhausted.
"Can ye no change the note, old shentleman?" quo' Donald. Nosey gi'ed
his head anither shake, and looked uncommon wise.
"Is the note no goot, sir?"' spak the Heelandman, a second time; but
the cratur, instead of answering him, only gi'ed anither of his wise
shakes, as much as to say, "I'm no very sure about it." At this Donald
lost temper. "If the note doesna please ye, sir," quo' he, "I'll thank
ye to gie me it back again, and I'll gang to some ither place." And he
stretchit out his hand to tak hand o't, when my frien' wi' the tail,
lifting up his stick, lent him sic a whack ower the fingers as made
him pu' back in the twinkling of an ee.
"Got tamn ye, ye auld scounrel," said the man; "do ye mean to tak my
money frae me?" And he lifted up a rung big eneuch to fell a stot, and
let flee at the monkey; but Nosey was ower quick for him, and jumping
aside, he lichted on a shelf before ane could say Jock Robinson. Here
he rowed up the note like a baw in his hand, and put it into his coat
pouch like any rational cratur. Not only this, but he mockit the
Heelandman by a' manner of means, shooting out his tongue at him,
spitting at him, and girning at him wi' his queer outlandish
physiognomy. Then he would tak haud of his tail in his twa hands, and
wag it at Donald, and steeking his nieves, he would seem to threaten
him wi' a leatherin'. A'thegither he was desperate impudent, and
eneuch to try the patience of a saunt, no to spak o' a het-bluided
Heelandman. It was gude for sair een to see how Donald behavit on this
occasion. He raged like ane demented, misca'ing the monkey beyond
measure, and swearing as mony Gaelic aiths as micht hae sair'd an
ordinar man for a twalmonth. During this time, I never sterr'd a foot,
but keepit keeking frae the back shop upon a' that was ganging on. I
was highly delighted; and jealousing that Nosey was ower supple to be
easily catched, I had nae apprehension for the event, and remained
snug in my birth to see the upshot.
In a short time, in comes Mr. Weft wi' a piece of lowing paper in his
hand that he had got frae the next door to licht the shop; and nae
sooner did Donald see him than he ax'd him for his note.
"What note, honest man?" said Mr. Weft.
"Got tamn," quo' Donald; "the note the auld scounrel, your
grandfather, stole frae me."
"My grandfaither!" answered the ither wi' amazement. "I am thinking,
honest man, ye hae had a glass ower muckle. My grandfaither has been
dead for saxteen years, and I ne'er heard tell till now that he was a
fief."
"Weel, weel, then," quo' the Heelandman, "I don't care naething about
it. If he's no your grandfaither, he'll be your faither, or your
brither, or your cousin."
"My faither or my brither, or my cousin!" repeated Mr. Weft. "I maun
tell ye plainly, frien', that I hae neither faither, nor brither, nor
cousin of ony description on this side of the grave. I dinna
understand ye, honest man, but I reckon that ye hae sat ower lang at
the whisky, and my advice to ye is to stap awa hame and sleep it aff."
At this speech the Heelandman lost a' patience, and lookit sae awfully
fairce, that ance or twice I was on the nick of coming forrit, and
explaining how matters really stood; but curiosity keepit me chained
to the back shop, and I just thocht I would bide a wee, and see how
the affair was like to end.
"Pray, wha are you, sir?" said Donald, putting his hands in his sides,
and looking through his specks upon Mr. Weft, like a deevil incarnit.
"Wha are you, sir, that daar to speak to me in this manner?"
"Wha am I?" said the ither, drapping the remnant of the paper, which
was burnin' close to his fingers. "I am Saunders Weft, manufacturir In
Hamilton--that's what I am."
"And I am Tonald Campbell, piper's sister's son to his grace the
great, grand Tuke of Argyle," thundered out the Heelandman, wi' a
voice that was fearsome to hear.
"And what about that?" quo' Mr. Weft, rather snappishly, as I thocht.
"If ye were the great, grand Duke of Argyle himself, as ye ca' him,
I'll no permit you to kick up a dust in my shop."
"Ye scounrel," said Donald, seizing Mr. Weft by the throat, and
shaking him till he tottered like an aspen leaf, "div ye mean to speak
ill of his grace the Tuke of Argyle?" And he gi'ed him anither
shake--then, laying haud of his nose, he swore that he would pu't as
lang as a cow's tail, if he didna that instant restore him his lost
property. At this sicht I began to grew a' ower, and now saw the
needcessity of stapping ben, and saving my employer frae farther
damage, bodily and itherwise. Nae sooner had I made my appearance than
Donald let go his grip of Mr. Weft's nose, and the latter, in a great
passion, cried out, "William M'Gee, I tak ye to witness what I hae
sufferit frae this bluid-thirsty Heelandman! It's no to be endured in
a Christian country. I'll hae the law of him, that I will. I'll be
whuppit but I'll hae amends, although it costs me twenty pounds!"
"What's the matter?" quo' I, pretending ignorance of the haill
concern. "What, in the name of Nebuchadnezzar, has set ye thegither by
the lugs?" Then Mr. Weft began his tale, how he had been collared and
weel nigh thrappled in his ain shop;--then the ither tauld how, in the
first place, Mr. Weft's grandfather, as he ca'd Nosey, had stolen his
note, and how, in the second place, Mr. Weft himsell had insulted the
great, grand Duke of Argyle. In a word, there was a desperate kick-up
between them, the ane threeping that he would tak the law of the ither
immediately. Na, in this respect Donald gaed the greatest lengths, for
he swore that, rather than be defeat, he wad carry his cause to the
house of lords, although it cost him thretty pounds sterling. I now
saw it was time to put in a word.
"Houts-touts, gentlemen," quo' I, "what's the use of a' this
clishmaclaver? Ye've baith gotten the wrang sow by the lug, or my
name's no William M'Gee. I'll wager ye a pennypiece, that my monkey,
Nosey is at the bottom of the business."
Nae sooner had I spoken the word, than the twa, looking round the
shop, spied the beastie sitting upon the shelf girning at them, and
putting out his tongue, and wiggle-waggling his walking-stick ower his
left elbow, as if he had been playing upon the fiddle. Mr. Weft at
this apparition set up a loud lauch; his passion left him in a moment,
when he saw the ridiculous mistake that the Heelandman had fa'en into,
and I thocht he would hae bursted his sides wi' evendown merriment. At
first Donald lookit desperate angry, and judging frae the way he was
twisting about his mouth and rowing his een, I opined that he intended
some deadly skaith to the monkey. But his gude sense, of which
Heelandmen are no a'thegither destitute, got the better of his anger,
and he roared and lauched like the very mischief. Nor was this a', for
nae sooner had he began to lauch, than the monkey did the same thing,
and held its sides in precisely the same manner, imitating his
actions, in the maist amusin' way imaginable. This only set Donald a
lauching mair than ever, and when he lifted up his nieve, and shook it
at Nosey in a gude humoured way, what think ye that the cratur did?
Odds man, he took the note frae his pouch, whare it lay rowed up like
a baw, and, papping it at Donald, hit him as fairly upon the nose, as
if it had been shot out of a weel-aimed musket. There was nae
resisting this. The haill three, or rather the haill four, for Nosey
joined us, set up a loud lauch; and the Heelandman's was the loudest
of a', showing that he was really a man of sense, and could tak a joke
as weel as his neighbours.
When the lauchin' had a wee subsided, Mr. Campbell, in order to show
that he had nae ill wull to Mr. Weft, ax'd his pardon for the rough
way he had treated him, but the worthy manufacturer wadna hear o't.
"Houts, man," quo' he, "dinna say a word about it. It's a mistak
a'thegether, and Solomon himsell, ye ken, whiles gaed wrang."
Whereupon the Heelandman bought a Kilmarnock nichtcap, price
elevenpence happeny, frae Mr. Weft, and paid him wi' part of the very
note that brocht on the ferly I hae just been relating. But his gude
wull didna end here, for he insisted on takin' us a'--Nosey amang the
lave--to the nearest public, where he gi'ed us a frien'ly glass, and
we keepit tawking about monkeys, and what not, in a manner at ance
edifying and amusing to hear.--_Blackwood's Magazine_.
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