_The manner of his stealing an Hogshead of _French_ Wine
from the Custom-house._
Tracing the street, I chanced to cast my eye on a fellow, the slowness
of whose pace informed me of the idleness of his condition. His garb was
so preposterously unsuitable, that a man could not possibly look on him
without excessive laughter. To the intent you may participate with me in
the same sport, I shall open his Wardrobe. In general there was not any
thing he did wear that had not some times another property, & of which
one might derive another Pedigree. The Hat he had on was devested of all
Royal Dignity, having lost its Crown, and yet his crime would not be
allowed of as Capital. But what it wanted in one place was supplied in
another, the brims whereof being so large, they might have conveniently
served as a Pent-house for another besides himself. But this ingenious
Squire politickly had pin’d up the brims on one side, that he might have
some light to discern his way; his Hat thus pin’d up on the one side
lookt much like a trap-door pull’d up. His Band was so torn and dirty,
as if he had but just come from some fray; and lest passion should prove
obnoxious, time had done him that courtesie to purge away his choler. In
what condition his Doubtlet was behind, I could plainly discover through
the holes of his Cloak, which generally was so transparent, that the
rents and patches of several colours of his cloaths were as visible as
if you had lookt through Lawn. The forepart of his Doublet and his
Breeches I am confident were the off-spring of the Furniture of a
Billiard-Table. His Cloak proceeded from a Boat-tilt, whose Grandfather
was an Horse-cloth; and I could not look on his Breeches, but it put me
in mind of the _Scotch_ Flaggs that hung up in _Westminster_. His skirts
were so liquor’d and greas’d, that in case of extremity they might have
served for belly-pieces, not using any thing but their own fatness to
fry them in. By his countenance he seemed like a man of courage and
ingenuity, and so I could not chuse but endeavour his relief. Wherefore
I accosted him, pretending I had seen him somewhere, but could not for
the present call to mind the place. His necessity made him assent to
whatever I said; and desiring his company to an Ale-house, he readily
granted my request. By what unhappy accident he became thus miserable, I
know not, but the man was well furnisht both with natural and acquir’d
parts. Having had various discourses of several matters, and that we
began to be familiarly acquainted, I askt him why he rapt himself up so
close in his Cloak? _O Sir_, said he, _(to be plain) I have a maim’d
Doublet, and I have heard some say, there is nothing more prejudicial to
a wound than the intromission of Air_; which that Network garment of
yours (said I) will never be able to keep out. He replyed, _’Tis true,
Sir, I find it so, but I wish it were a Net, for then I might employ my
self by fishing_.
I was so well pleased in my new acquaintance, that (bidding him stay
there till my return, which should be speedy) I went and procured him
all things necessary for to cover his nakedness: the last thing he put
on was his Shoes; finding them to have Soals, they added new life to
him.
_But did before in one condition roul,
And both appear’d as if they had no Soul._
Having thus cast (Colt-like) his ragged Coat, I was not ashamed to walk
with him in the streets; coming to the Custom-house we saw several Pipes
and Hogsheads of Wine. Viewing all the places belonging thereunto, said
I, Methinks it is no difficult matter to steal one of these Hogsheads,
had I but assistance. You shall not want mine, Sir, (said he) even to
the hazard of my life, which I shall never look on as a sufficient
requital for this singular favour you have now conferr’d on me. Having
walkt there a while, we went down to a place called _Lazy hill_, where I
found out two or three pure Rogues more, one whereof had a Boat. I
informed them of my design; they willingly promised their helping hand,
and the time appointed for the effecting our intentions, was that night
about twelve. Accordingly we all met, and having procured an empty
Hogshead, we fill’d it with water, and away we went in the Boat. The
tide ebbing had left dry ground underneath the Key, where I planted
three of our company, instructing them that assoon as they found the
Coast cleer above, they should with slings (which they had for that
purpose) leave the Hogshead of water, & exchange it for one of wine;
which done, they should march off immediately. I and my new Comerade
marcht up the Custom-house stairs, where we encountred with two old
Watchmen. They askt us what our business was, we told them we had no
other design but to drink with them, having been a little frolicksome
the other side of the water. The old Watchmen were very joyful at this
news, and so giving one of them money to fetch some drink, the other
carried me to the Lodge. The drink being come, they minded that so much,
they had forgotten their duty; & I plyed them so close with whole ones,
that they were incapable of holding one more: in the mean time my
Comrogues were gone; pretending our boat was a drift, we took our
leaves; for then we could go along by the shore side, leaving this paper
on one of the Hogsheads, I left them.
_What _Moses_ did in the Creators name,
By art Egyptian Magick did the same.
Since I have read of Water turn’d to Wine,
This Miracle is opposite to mine.
For I (though never yet a Rhenish hater)
Have by my art converted Wine to Water._
I have often heard these very lines (with some real circumstances of
this our exploit, but more fictitious) repeated to me as a very good
jest, which pleas’d me near upon as much as our purchase.
Being five of us concerned, we scorned to sell our Wine, but contracting
with some to find Sugar, with others _Westphalia hams_, or such like
relishing meats, and with others to be at the expence of Musick, but
every one to be at his own charge for Wenches; we never gave over
ranting and roaring till we had dreined the Hogshead dry.