_After his arrival in _Devonshire_, he briefly recounts what
waggeries he commited, being but a Child._
Being about five years of age, Report rendred me a very beautiful Child,
neither did it (as most commonly) prove a Lyar. Being enricht with all
the good properties of an handsome face, had not pride in that my tender
age, depriv’d me of those graces and choise ornaments which compleat
both form and feature. Thus happen’d, my Father kept commonly many
Turkeys; one amongst the rest could not endure the sight of a Red Coat,
which I usually wore. But that which most of all exasperated my budding
passion, was, his assaulting my bread and butter, and instead thereof,
sometimes my hands; which caused my bloomy Revenge to use this
Stratagem: I enticed him with a piece of Custard (which I temptingly
shewed him), not without some suspition of danger which fear suggested,
might attend my treachery, and so led me to the Orchard-gate, which was
made to shut with a pulley; he reaching in his head after me, I
immediatly clapt fast the Gate, and so surprized my _mortal Foe_: Then
did I use that little strength I had, to beat his brains out with my
Cat-stick; which being done, I deplum’d his tayl, sticking those
feathers in my Bonnet, as the insulting Trophies of my first and latest
Conquest. Such then was my pride, as I nothing but gazed up at them;
which so tryed the weakness of mine eyes and so strain’d the Optick
Nerves, that they ran a tilt at one another, as if they contended to
share with me in my victory. This accident was no small trouble to my
Mother, that so doated on me, that I have often heard her say, _She
forgot to eat (when I sate at Table) for admiring the sweetness of my
complexion_. After she had much grieved her self to little purpose, she
consulted with patience, and applyed her self to skilful Occulists, to
repair the loss this face blemishing had done so sweet a countenance,
though for the present it eclipsed my Mothers glory and pride, yet Time
and art reduced my eyes to their proper station; so that within six
years their oblique aspects were hardly discernable. When I was about
ten Years old, I have heard some say that this cast of my eyes was so
far from being a detriment, that it became my ornament. Experience
confirm’d me in this belief; for they prov’d as powerful, as the
perswasive arguments of my deluding tongue, both which conjoyn’d, were
sufficient (I speak it not vain gloriously) to prevail even over the
_Goddess of Chastity_, especially when they were backt on with ardent
desires, and an undaunted resolution. But to my purpose: being driven
out of _Ireland_, there being at that time no place of safety in that
Kingdom, my Mother taking me with her, being compelled to leave my
Father behind, barbarously murdered by the Rebels for being a protestant
Preacher, she adventured to Sea not caring whether she went. Foulness of
weather drove us upon the coast of _France_, where we were forced to
land, to repair what damage the Ship had sustained in stress of weather.
From hence we set sail, and landed in the West of _England_, at a place
called _Barnstable_ in the County of _Devon_. Here we were joyfully
received, and well entertained by some of my Mothers kindred at first;
but lying upon them, they at length grew weary; so that we were forced
to go from thence to _Plymouth_, so called from the River _Plime_, unto
which the Town adjoyneth: at that time it was strongly fortyfied by new
raiz’d Works, a Line being cast about it, besides places of strength
antiently built; as the Castle, the Fort of an hundred pieces of
Ordnance, that commands _Cat-water_, and over-looks the _Sound_, Mount
_Batten_, and the islands in the _Sound_, well furnished with Men and
great Guns impregnable; had they been never built or demolished raced
assoon as raised on their Basis, it had been much better then to have
prov’d the Fomenters of Rebellion in the late Wars for a whole year,
daily thundring Treason against their lawful Soveraign. We being here
altogether unacquainted both with the people and their profession, my
Mother having an active brain, casts about with her self how she should
provide for her charge, but found no way more expedient, than the
pretention of Religion. Zeal now and Piety were the only things she
seem’d to prosecute, taking the litteral sence of the Text; _Without
doubt Godliness is great gain_: But she err’d much in the profession and
seasonable practise thereof; Hers being according to the menu of the
true Church, the Church of _England_, whereas the _Plymotheans_ were at
that time Heterodox thereunto and led away as the rest of their Brethren
called Roundheads, by the spirit of delusion. Finding how much she was
mistaken, she chang’d quickly her Note and Coat; a rigid Presbyterian at
first, but that proving not so profitable, instantly transform’d her
self into a strict _independant_. This took well, which made her stick
close to the brethren, which rais’d their spirits to make frequent
contribution in private to supply her want: Here we had borrowed so much
of the Sister-hood, who vilely suspected my Mother to be too _dearly
beloved_ by the brother-hood, that it was high time to rub off to
another place, lest staying longer, the holy Mask of Dissimulation
should fall off; and she being detected be shamefully excluded their
Congregation, and so delivered up to be buffeted by Satan. Before I
leave the Town, give me leave to take a short view thereof. Formerly it
was a poor smal fishing Village, but now so large and thron’d with
inhabitants (many whereof very wealthy Merchants) that as it may be
compared with, so may it put in its claim for the name of a City.
Havens, as there are many so commodious, which without striking sail,
admit into the bosome thereof the tallest Ships that be, harbouring them
very safely, and is excellently well fortyfied against hostility. It is
scituate alike for profit and pleasure in brief, it wants little that
the heart of man would enjoy, from the various productions of the whole
Universe. Now farewell _Plymouth_, no matter whither we went, for
whereever we came; we found still some or other that gave us
entertainment for those good parts they found in my Mother she being
very well read both in Divinity and History, and having an eloquent
tongue, she commonly apply’d her self to the Minister of the Town; who
wondering to see so much learning and perfection in a Woman, either took
us to his own house for a while; or gathered some contributions to
supply our present necessities, with which we travelled to the next
Town: And in this manner we strouled or wandered up and down, being
little better then mendicant Itinerants, Staying so little time in a
place, and my mother being more careful to get a subsistance, than to
season my tender years with the knowledge of Letters, I was ten years
old before I could read. Travelling through many towns unfit for our
purpose, we at last took our seat for a while at _Biraport_ in
_Dorsetshire_, here being ashamed to go to School in this ignorance, I
applyed my self to my Mother, who taught me to apprehend the Alphabet in
less hours than there are letters; so that in a short time, I could read
distinctly, and immediately introduc’d into the Grammar School, where I
had not been long, before I became a Book-worm securing as many as lay
in my way, if convenient privacy serv’d. And to the intent that my
Thefts might pass undiscovered, before I would vend what Book I had
stolen, I usually metamorphozed them: if new, I would gash their skin,
and if the leaves were red, I would make them look pale with the wounds
they received; If much used, tear out all the remarks, and paint their
old faces, and having so done, make sale of them. This course I followed
a long time undiscovered, which cost many a Boy a Whipping at home by
their Parents, as well as Master. I had various uses for my money I made
thereof (you must think) but principally to bribe some of the upper Form
to make my Exercises, which were so well liked of by my Master, that I
still came off with applause; and in a short time so advanced, that I
was next to the highest Form, when I understood not the lowest Author we
read. I was forced to imploy my wits in the management of my hands, to
keep touch with my Pensioners, least they failing me for want of
encouragement, my Master should discover how much my dunceship was
abused. Frequent were my truantings, which were always attended with
some notorious fact besides small faults as robbing of Orchards, pulling
the first and seconds of forty or fifty Geese at a time, milking the
Cows or Goats into my Hat, and so drink the milk: And then for poultry,
there was seldome a day escaped wherein I had not more or less, usually
I took them thus. At night I haunted the Hen-roosts taking them off so
quietly from what they stood on, that their keckling noise seldome
alarum’d the rest; if I could not conveniently carry them off, I made
their Eggs compound for their heads. If I meet with any Geese at any
time, then out came my short stick with a string fastned to a bullet,
and tyed to the end thereof, with this would I fetch in my Game by the
neck, the weight of the bullet twirling the string so many times about
the neck, that they could not disengage themselves from inevitable
destruction. I used to fish for Ducks, baiting my Hook with a gut or
some such trash, and laying it on a piece of Corke, that swimming it
might be the sooner perceived, I could catch in a short time as many as
I pleased: Nay, I have not only thus deceived the tame fowl, but the
same way with a longer time, I have caught Gulls and other Sea-birds.
What I had gotten by these cunning & so much to be approved tricks, I
carryed to a house that encouraged me in my Roguery, participating of
the cheer, and so feasting me for my pains: if I had stolen any thing, I
had my recourse to them, who would give me two pence for what was worth
a shilling, and render me good content. I knew my punishment for my
rambling and valued it not; therefore little hope of reformation from
thence. Nay for very small faults I wished to be whipt, knowing the rod
would then be laid on gently, which carried with it a tickling pleasure.
As for my Thefts and Rogueries abroad I was careful they should not be
discovered. If any Boy had injur’d me whose strength exceeded mine, so
that I durst not cope with him, I would exercise my revenge upon him
privately, concealing the resentment of the injury he did me. For to
grin and not bite, doth but perswade an Adversary to knock out those
teeth that may prove some time or other injurious. One common trick I
had, was to stick a pin on the board whereon he was to sit: in this
manner did I serve several, in which fact I was at last taken. The
punishment my Master inflicted on me, was, to sit by his desk alone and
complete a copy of Verses; there was great likelihood I should perform
my task, when I knew not how many feet an Hexameter required and yet I
then read _Virgil_. However some thing I must attempt, and thinking
_Saphicks_ and _Iambicks_ too difficult, I ventur’d upon _Heroicks_,
supposing them the easier composition. But Lord into what an access of
laughter did my Master fall into, when he perused my hobling strains.
Surely said he, these Verses are running a race altogether, the first
did not start fairly, or else is a very nimble Gentleman, for he hath
out run all his fellows four feet, the second comes two foot short of
him, yet too forward for a true pace; here is another lame in a foot,
and halts most scurvily, here is another whose quantity is short, and
hath gotten upon stilts to seem long, and one (in contradiction to him)
which is long, because he will be short hath cut his own Legs off: With
these and the like speeches did he please himself in his own wit, (which
I understood but little) and after he had tired himself and me too, with
prodigal talk: He then spake to me in a harder dialect, making me
understand how ignorant I was, and how much precious time
(irrecoverably) I had lost, which so much seiz’d on my spirits, that I
was much griev’d and troubled, so that he made Vermilion tears run down
my cheeks, _&c._ After he had bestowed so much correction as he thought
might work in me penitence for my egregious truanting he degraded me,
and made me begin a new. The shame whereof and reproach I daily received
from my School-fellows, I could not bear; wherefore I prevailed on my
Mothers indulgence, to let me regain what I had lost at home, which she
consented to. But perceiving my Lecherous inclinations, by my night
practises with her Maid, resolved to send me to a Boarding School: For
our Family being but small, I lay with the Maid: beeing so young, my
Mother did not in the least suspect me; but my too forward Lechery would
not let me lie quiet, putting her frequently to the Squeak. In fine, I
was sent away a great distance to a very severe and rigid Master, I no
sooner commenced Scholar to this Tyrant pedagogue, but I was kept close
to my Book, and lest my Wit should be any ways dulled, my stomack was
always kept sharp; which quickned my invention to supply what was
deficient. There is no complaint so insufferable as the grumbling of
empty and dissatisfied Guts. My greatest care was to insinuate my self
into the favour of the Servant Maids, knowing they loved to play at _a
Small Game_ rather then stick out. I performed my business so well that
my stomack was always satiated, when the rest of the Boarders were
dissatisfied, often going to bed in a manner supperless. Here I was
depriv’d of my old pilfering way, because I had no convenience for the
disposal of what I stole, it being but a very small Village. However to
keep my hand in use, I daily practised on Fruit. Sometimes with a Spar
sharpned at one end, I pickt the Apples out of the Baskets: other times
I took with me a Comrade, and then thus would we do. I would go to the
Fruiterer and bargain with him for a penny worth or more of Apples,
receiving them into my Hat, pretending to draw my mony out, I did clap
my Hat between my Legs my partner perceiving that (as we had afore
plotted it would be) behind, snatcht it through my Legs and ran away
with it, I thereupon did use to roar out as if I had been undone, and
pretending to run after him to regain my Hat, we got out of sight and
then shared the booty. One time coming a long the Market, I saw a small
basket of Cherries, I demanded of the woman that sold them, what she
would have for as many as I could take up in my hand; she looking upon
it and seeing it was but a very small one; proportionable to my Stature,
two pence said she; with that, I laid her down her Price, and took up
basket and all the Cherries therein contain’d, and in a sober pace
carried them away. The woman amazed that she should be thus surprized by
such a Younker followed me; and making a great noise, gathered a conflux
of people about us, and among the rest a Gentleman of quality, who was
very earnest to know what the matter was; Holding my purchase fast in my
hands (for nothing could perswade me to let go that booty I had so fair
obtained, I desired the Gentleman that he would be judge of my cause,
whereupon I related to him in what manner I bargained with the woman,
and that I had done nothing unjustly, but what was according to our
contract; the Gentleman wondering at the Pregnancy of wit in so tender
an age, laught heartily, and condemned the Cherries for my own proper
use, but withal paid the woman for them. I was naturally so prone to
please my sences so that I cared not what course I took that I might
obtain my desires, I appli’d my self more to my wit and invention, than
I should have done, had I had anything allowed me from a Friend for a
moderate expence. But my Mother thought otherwise, knowing by infallible
symptomes, the extravagantness of my inclinations, and therefore
debarred me as much as she could the very sight of money. A River
confined within some made Bank, deterring its natural course, will (when
that is overthrown which impeded its progress) flow with the greater
impetuosity: Youth may for a while be circumscribed as to its desires:
but if his inclination prompt him to the enjoyment of sensual delights,
sooner or later he will taste their relish; and better early than late.
Before the Noon of his days approach, Experience may reform his Life and
Conversation though from the dawning Morning thereof, till the Meridian
his Actions have been nothing else but the Extract of all manner of
Debauchery. But (it is commonly observed): That Man which in the
Declination of his Age tracks the bypaths of Vice and Licentiousness
seldom desists till Death cuts off his passage; never leaving off doting
on such false and imaginary pleasures, till the _Grim Pale-faced
Messenger_ takes him napping. Thus much by way of digression.
Our Master was very ancient, however resolved that his Age should not
hinder his Teaching: for if he found himself indisposed, he would send
for us all into his bed-chamber, instructing us there: A man of so
strange a temper, that he delighted to invert the course of Nature,
lying in bed by day, and walking in the night, the rain seldome
deterring him. On a time above the rest, a Gentleman had sent his Son
five pieces of Gold to give his Master for Diet, _&c._ Our Master
receiving them, called for a small Cabinet that stood in the room, which
I (more officious than the rest) brought him. Having put in the Gold, he
commanded me to carry it from whence I had it: which I did, well
considering the weight thereof, being, though small, very heavy. The
Devil presently became my Tutor, suggesting to my thoughts various ways
for the gaining this money. At last I resolved to take the impression of
the Key in wax: which with much difficulty I obtained and carried it to
a Smith four miles distant. The old Fellow (immediately upon my
proposal) suspected me; (doubtless he was acquainted with such kind of
devices) and questioning me what I intended thereby, I was forced to
betake my self to my Legs for safety, not knowing what answer to make
him. The Smith seeing me run, thinking to benefit himself by
apprehending me persued after, with a red hot iron in his hand which his
haste had made him forget to lay aside, one standing by me, (just as the
Smith had almost overtaken me) seeing him come running with a hot iron
in his hand, and fearing lest his blind passion might prompt him to
mischief me, struck up his heels who in the fall gave himself a burnt
mark in the hand which no doubt he had long ago deserv’d; my unknown
friend would not suffer him to rise till I was out of sight. My first
stratagem not suiting with my purpose, I try’d a Pick-lock of mine own
invention; but that would not effect my design neither: so that I
concluded to take Cabinet and all, and in order thereunto watcht my
opportunity when he should walk abroad according to his custom at night.
It was not long ere I enjoyed my wishes. My masters custom was to walk
abroad at nights, and sleep in the day time; inverting the course of
Nature: foreknowing his intention, I got into the Chamber and conceal’d
my self under the Bed: So finding my way clear, I convey’d my self and
purchase out of the House; and travelled all night. In the morning I
found my self near a small Town, about sixteen miles distant from the
place whence I came. Thinking my self now secure, I thought it very
requisite here to repose my wearied Limbs and solace my self with the
sight of what I had gotten; but it was not long after that I was so
laced for it, that comparatively to my punishment _Bridewell_ whipping
is but a pastime. The first Bush I came at I went in and called for
Sack, having never tasted any, & hearing much talk thereof; at which the
people of the house much admired that so small an Urchin as I should
call for such costly liquor, they viewed me very attentively, but more
especially the Cabinet, which caused them to suspect me. The Master of
the house was acquainted herewith, who as the Devil would have it was a
Puritan, & a Constable too, officious and severe. Without craving pardon
for his bold intrusion, he desired me I would admit him into my
Boy-ships society. I confess his gray hairs and sower countenance made
me at first sight, very much fear what the event of his visit would
prove. However with a seeming undauntedness I drank to him, but what a
difference of taste there was in that and the first glass I drank
_Solus_: at length he came to ask me divers questions, _Whence I came?_
_Whither I was going?_ _What was contained within that Cascanet?_ and
the like. Before I could give the resolution of what they demanded, the
_Hue and Cry_ overtook me: presently I was laid hold on, and my treasure
taken from me: that which vext me as much as my Surprizal was, I had no
further time to try what kind of taste the Sack had. Various were the
talk of the people, every one spending his Verdict on me. _This is a
prime young rogue indeed, to begin thus soon, _said one_, could he have
seen, when in his Mothers belly, surely he would have stoln something
thence. _Another said_, Forward fruit was soon rotten, and since I began
to steal whilst a child, I should be hanged before _I_ should write
Man._ Ready to die with fear, I was sent back to the place whence I came
and from thence to the place of execution, had not the tenderness of my
age, and fewness of years procured pitty from my injur’d Master.
Confin’d I was within his house, lockt up close Prisoner in a Chamber,
till that he could acquaint my mother with what had past. In this time I
was not debarred of my sustenance though my Commons were Epitomized,
neither was I altogether deprived of society, for I was daily visited by
my master attended with a Cat of Nine-tails (as he called it) being so
many small cords, with which he fleyd my buttocks; and when he found me
stubborn, or not penitent enough as he thought, after he had skinned my
podex, he would wash it with vinegar, or water and salt. Within a week
my Mother arrived, who hearing of my Rogueries, was so impatient, that
she would needs take me to task her self; But when she had untrust me,
and saw me in so woful a plight, my shirt being as stiff as Buckram with
_blood_ and my tender breech ploughed and harrowed, fell down as if she
had been about to expire: recovering my Master endeavour’d to satisfy
her, by telling her that great offences required great punishments; and
the way to bend an oak, is to do it whilst it is young, I had once when
young (said he) a Spaniel which would find out the Hens nest, and
breaking the eggs suck them, so that we could never have any Chickens,
at last discovering who was the malefactor; I be thought my self of this
punishment which should hinder him for ever doing the like. I got an egg
roasted so hard till the shell was ready to burn, then did I first show
the Egg to the dog, and then clapt it hot into his mouth holding his
jaws close, this so tormented him by burning, that ever after he could
not indure the sight thereof but if shown run away crying as if he had
been beaten. Thus for the notorious fact your Son must be so sharply
chastized, that when he thinks of stealing he shall remember those
torments he once endured for it, & so frighten him from executing any
such crime. Many more arguments he alledg’d to that purpose, which had
satisfied her well in his severity, had not natural affection
interposed. What to do with me she knew not; wherefore she consulted
with my Master, who told her, _He durst not keep me longer, the Country
people bringing in daily complaints against me_. And to aggravate my
Mother the more, he briefly summ’d up my faults in this manner; having
had justly various accusers who drew up my indictment, Thus.
_Imprimis_, That one of his Maids having crost me (to be reveng’d of
her; knowing she was a drowsie wench, when asleep not easily wak’d) as
she slept by the fire, I took my opportunity, to melt some glew, and
gently toucht the closure of both her eye-lids with a pencil, which well
I knew would lock up her sight. Against the time I intended to wake her
I placed all about her Chairs and Stools. The Plot being ripe, I
pretended her Mistress called; The wench starting up running and rubbing
of her eyes turn’d topsie turvy over the chairs, getting up the ingag’d
her self with the stools and so entangled her self therein, that
indeavouring to free her self her coats acted the parts of Traytors in
discovering the hidden secrets and _Arcanas_ belonging to her sex, and
that with much satisfaction I had seen the execution of my revenge. That
this wench could not be perswaded by any means, but that as a judgement
she was stricken blind for some sin she had committed privately, which
then her conscience did whisper in her ear; and undoubtedly had turn’d
Lunatick had she not been speedily restored to her sight by taking off
the glew, which was done with much difficulty. That he going about to
correct me for this unlucky and mischievous fact, was by me shown a very
_Shitten trick_, which put him into a _stinking condition_, for having
made my self laxative on purpose squirted into his face upon the first
lash given. That being upon boys backs, ready to be whipt, I had often
bit holes in their ears. That another time sirreverencing in a paper,
and running to the window with it, which lookt out into the yard, my
aged Mistress looking up to see who opened the Casement, I had like to
have thrown it into her mouth; however for a time deprived her of that
little sight she had left, that another time I had watcht some lusty
young Girls, that used in Summer nights about twelve a clock to wash
themselves in a small brook near adjacent, and that I had concealed my
self behind a Bush, and when they were stript, took away their cloaths,
making them dance home after me stark naked to the view of their sweet
hearts whom I had planted in a place appointed for that purpose, having
given them before notice of my design. A great many more such tricks he
recounted which he knew, but not the tenth of what he knew not. As for
example, on _Christmass-day_, we had a pot of Plumb-broth. I askt the
Maid to give me a taste to see how I lik’d them, _I that I should_, she
said (this was the Maid I had so serv’d before with glew) and with that
takes up a ladle full and bid me sup, she holding the ladle in her own
hand, I imprudently opening my mouth somewhat larger then I should she
poured down the scalding pottage through my throat: at present I could
not tell the jade (that laught till she held her sides) how I lik’d
them; but I verily believ’d I had swallowed the _Gunpowder-Plot_,
expecting every moment to be _blown up_. I took as little notice of this
passage as possibly I could, resolving to retalliate her kindness when
she least thought on’t. I observed the maid to carry this plum-pottage
pot into the yard, and taking notice that the weight of the Jack was in
the same yard, wound up a great height under a small pent-house, the
Jack being down I suddenly removed the weight, and fastned the pot to
the line, so going into the Kitching, wound it up to the top, and then
stopt it, for the meat was taken up. The house was all in an uproar
instantly about the Pot, every one admiring what should become of it:
The Maid averred that she saw it even now, and none could remove it but
the Devil. Others asserted (which were infected with _Puritanism_) that
it was a Judgment shown for the superstitious observation of that
festival day; but the next day, roasting Meat, this seeming miracle
vanished by the descending of the pot fastened to the Jack-line. Another
time my Master had reserved in his Garden some choise Aprecocks, not
above an half-score; which he purposed for some friends that intended to
visit him shortly: The daily sight of this delicate fruit, being
forbidden, tempted me more strongly to attempt their rape; but I made
choice of an impropitious hour to accomplish my design in; for my master
looked out of his window and saw me gather them, though he knew not
absolutely whether it was I or no. Whereupon; he instantly summoned us
together, being met, I quickly understood his intention: therefore I
conveyed the Aprecocks into the next boys pocket, I had no sooner done
it, but we were commanded to be searched; I was very forward to be the
first though I was most suspected, but none was found about me, so that
I was acquitted. But to see with what amazement the poor boy gazed, when
they were discovered about him, how strangely he looked, distorting his
face into several forms, produced laughter even from my incenc’d Master,
but real pity from me, for he was severely whipped for that Crime I my
self committed. I could recite many more such like childish Rogueries,
did I not fear I should be tedious in their relation, and burden the
Reader with juvenile follies; fore I shall return where I left off.
Whilst my Mother was in a serious consultation with her Reason, how she
should dispose of me, I had not patience to wait the result, but gave
her the slip, resolved to run the risk of Fortune, and try whether mine
own endeavours would supply my necessities.