_What his Parents were. The place of his own Nativity. His
miraculous Escape from the hands of Irish Rebels. His
brother being at that very time murdered by the
merciless hands of those bloody Butchers._
After a long and strict Inquisition after my Fathers Pedegree, I could
not find any of his Ancestors bearing a _Coat_: surely length of time
had _worn_ it out. But if the _Gentle Craft_ will any wayes ennoble his
Family, I believe I could deduce several of his Name, Professors of that
lasting Art, even from _Crispin_. My Fathers Father had by his continual
labour in Husbandry, arrived to the height of a Farmer, then the Head of
his Kindred: standing upon one of his own Mole-Hills, Ambition so
swelled him, that he swore by his Plow-share, that his eldest Son (my
Father) should be a _Scholhard_: and should learn so long, till he could
read any printed or written hand; nay, and if occasion should serve,
write a Bill or Bond.
It was never known that any of the Family could distinguish one letter
from another, neither could they speak above the reach of their Horses
understandings. Talk to them in any other Dialect but that of a
_Bag-pudding of a Peck_, or _a piece of Beef_, (in which their teeth
might step wet shod) and a man were as good to have discoursed with them
in _Arabick_. But let me not abuse them; for some understood something
else that is to say, The Art of Whistling, Driving their Team and to
shoo themselves as well as their Horses; how to lean methodically upon a
Staff and through the holes of their Hat, tell what it is a Clock by the
Sun.
The symmetricall proportion, sweetness of features, and acuteness of my
Fathers wit, were such (though extracted out of this lump of _red_ and
_white marle_) that he was belov’d of all. As the loveliness of his
person gain’d always an interest in Female hearts; so the quickness of
apprehension and invention, and the acquired quaintness of his
expressions; procured him the friendship of such as converted with him.
A Gentleman at length taking notice of more then ordinary natural Parts
in him, at his proper charge sent him to School contrary to the desire
of his Father, who was able enough to maintain him at School; and to say
the truth this Gentleman offered not my Father his patronage upon any
charitable account, but that he might hearafter glory in the being the
chief instrument of bringing up such a fair promising Wit, which he
questioned not with good cultivation would bring forth such lovely fruit
as would answer cost, and fully satisfie his expectation. Being admitted
into the Grammar-School, by the strength of his memory, to his Masters
great amazement, in a very short time he had _Lillies Rules_ by heart,
out-stripping many that for years had been entred before him; his Master
perceiving what a stupendious proficiency he had made, was very glad
that this fair opportunity offered it self, that he might be idle, and
in order thereunto would frequently appoint my Father to be his Usher or
Deputy, when he intended to turn Bacchanalian, to drink, hunt, or whore,
to which vices he was over-much addicted. My Father having now conquered
in a manner the difficulties of that Schools learning began now to lay
aside his Book, and follow the steps of his vicious learned Master, the
examples of a Superior proving oftentimes guides to inferior actions,
_Regis ad exemplum_——
Besides his springing Age (wherein the blood is hot and fervent) spur’d
him on, and the natural disposition of his mind, gave him wings to flye
whither his unbounded, licentious, self pleasing will would direct. His
Youth introduced him into all sorts of vanity, and his Constitution of
body, was the Mother of all his unlawful pleasures. His Temperament gave
Sense preheminence above Reason. Thus you see (which experience can more
fully demonstrate) how the heat of Youth gives fewel to the Fire of
Voluptuous Enjoyments; but without a supply of what may purchase those
delights, invention must be Tenter-hooked, which ever proves dangerous,
most commonly fatal. My Grand-father too indulgent to his son, supply’d
him continually with mony; which he did the more freely, since he was
exempted from such charges which necessity required for my Fathers
maintenance, he having now more than a bare competency, he not only
consents to the commission of evil, but tempts others to perpetrate the
like. And now following his own natural proneness to irregular liberty,
diurnaly suggests matters of innovation, not onely to his own, but
others reasons, _Lectum non citius relinquens quam in Deum delinquens,
non citius surgens quam insurgens_. No sooner relinquishing his bed, but
delinquishing his Creator, No sooner rising than rising against his God.
In short, I know not whether he prevailed more on others, or others on
him, for he was facile; the best Nature is most quickly depraved, as the
purest flesh corrupts soonest, and most noisom when corupted. Yet
notwithstanding these blooming debaucheries, he neglected not his Study
so much, but that he capacitated himself for the University, and by
approbation was sent thither by his Patron. He applyed himself close to
his Book for a while, till he had adapted himself a companion for the
most absolute critick could be selected out of any of the Colledges: in
the assured confidence of his own parts, he ventured among them, and
left such remarks of his cutting wit in all companies he came into, that
the Gallants and most notable Wits of _Oxford_, coveted so much his
company that he had not time to apply himself to his Study, but giving
way to their sollicitations, being prompted thereunto by his own
powerful inclinations, plunged himself over head and ears in all manner
of sensuality. For his lewd carriage, inimitably wicked practises, and
detestable behaviour, he was at last expelled the Colledge.
Now was he forc’d to return to his Father, who with much joy received
him, but would not tell him the true cause of his coming down: But to
palliate his villanies, informed his father that he had learned as much
as he could be instructed in; and now and then would Sprinkle his
discourse with a _Greek_ or _Latine_ Sentence; when talking with the
poor ignorant old Man; who took wonderful delight in the meer sound
thereof. When my father spake at any time, they were all as silent as
midnight, and then would my Grandfather with much admiration becken to
the standers by, to give their greatest attention, to what the _Speaker_
as little understood as his _Auditors_, not caring what non-sense he
utter’d, if wrapt up in untelligable hard words, purposely to abuse
those brutish Plough-jobbers. In ostentation he was carried to the
Parson of the Parish to discourse with him; who by good fortune
understood no other Tongue but what his mother taught him; My father
perceiving that, made _Shoulderamutton_ and _Kapathumpton_ serve for
very good _Greek_; which the Parson confirm’d: telling my Grandfather
further, that his Son was an excellent Scholar; protesting that he was
so deeply learned, that he spake things he understood not; this I have
heard him say, made him as good sport, as ever he receiv’d in the most
ingenious Society.
He had not been long in the Country, before a Gentlewoman taking notice
of his external and internal Qualifications, fell deeply in love with
him; and preferring her own pleasure before the displeasure of her
wealthy Relations, she _incontinently_ was married to him. I shall wave
how it was brought about in every particular, but only instance what is
therein remarkable. Doubtless the gestures he used in his preaching
(when she was present) might something avail in the conquest of her
affections; beginning with a _dearly beloved_ passionately extended,
looking full in her face all the while, and being in the time of the
Kingdomes alteration and confusion, a temporizing Minister, he had
learned all those tricks by which those of his Sect and coat used to
bewitch a female ear. But that which chiefly effected his desires, was
the assurance of an old Matron, that lived near my mother, who for
profit scrupled not to officiate as Bawd; this good old Gentlewoman
contrived waies to bring them together, unsuspected by any, by which
means they obtain’d the opportunity to perform _Hymens_ rites, Sans
Ceremonies of the Church. My mother finding impregnation, acquainted my
Father therewith, who (glad to hear how fast he had tied her to him)
urged her to the speedy Consummation of a Legal marriage, which she more
longed for than he did himself, but knew not how to bring it to pass, by
reason of those many Obstacles which they saw Obvious, and thwarting
their intentions. As first the vast disproportion between their Estates;
Next, the Antipathy her Parents bore to his Function. Joyning these to
many other Obstructions, with Fancy and Knowledge presented to them,
they concluded to steal a Wedding and accordingly did put it in
execution: much troubled her Parents were at first, to hear how their
daughter had ship-wrackt her fortune (as they judged it) in the
unfortunate loosing her maiden-head but time, with the intercession of
Friends, procured a Reconciliation between them, and all parties well
pleased. The old people took great delight in their fortune, hopeful
thoughts and expectations of their Son in law, but he more in the
reception of a large Sum of Money they paid him, and my mother most of
all (as she thought) in the continual conversation and enjoyment of my
Father, which she equally ranked with what might be esteemed the best of
things.
His eminent Parts natural, (and what he attain’d unto by his country
studies, being asham’d to have lost so much time) introduc’d him as a
Chaplain to a Noble man, with whom he travel’d into _Ireland_. He took
shipping at _Myneard_, and from thence sayled to _Knock fergus_, where
he lived both creditably and comfortably. Experience had then so
reformed his Life to so strict a religious course, that his Observers
gain’d more by his example than his Hearers by precepts. Thus by his
piety in the purity of his practice, he soon regain’d his lost credit.
By this time my mother drew near her time, having conceiv’d me in
_England_, but not _conceiving_ she thus should _drop_ me in an _Irish
Bog_. There is no fear that _England_ and _Ireland_ will after my
decease, contend about my Nativity, as several Countreys did about
_Homer_; either striving to have the honour of first giving him breath.
Neither shall I much thank my Native Country, for bestowing on me such
principles as I and most of my Country-men drew from that very air; the
place I think made me appear a Bastard in disposition to my Father. It
is strange the Clymate should have more prevalency over the Nature of
the Native, than the disposition of the Parent. For though Father and
Mother could neither flatter, deceive, revenge, equivocate, _&c._ yet
the Son (as the consequence hath since made it appear) can (according to
the common custom of his Country-men) dissemble and sooth up his
adversary with expressions extracted from Celestial Manna, taking his
advantage thereby to ruine him: For to speak the truth, I could never
yet love any but for some by-respect, neither could I ever be perswaded
into a pacification with that man who had any way injured me, never
resting satisfied till I had accomplisht a plenary revenge, which I
commonly effected under the pretence of great love and kindness. Cheat
all I dealt withal, though the matter were ever so inconsiderable. Lie
so naturally, that a Miracle may be as soon wrought, as a Truth proceed
from my mouth. And then for Equivocation, or Mental Reservations, they
were ever in me innate Properties. It was alwayes my Resolution, rather
to dye by the hand of a common Executioner, then want my revenge, though
ever so slightly grounded. But I shall desist here to characterize my
self further, reserving that for another place.
Four years after my Birth, the Rebellion began so unexspectedly, that we
were forced to flee in the night, the light of our flaming Houses, Ricks
of Hay, and Stacks of Corn guided us out of the Town, and our Fears soon
conveyed us to the Mountains. But the Rebels, wandering too and fro,
intending either to meet with their friends, (who flockt from all parts
to get into a Body) or else any English, which they designed as
Sacrifices to their implacable malice, or inbred antipathy to that
Nation, met with my Mother, attended by two Scullogues, her menial
servants, the one carrying me, the other my brother. The Fates had
decreed my brothers untimely death, and therefore unavoidable, the
_faithful Infidel_ being butchered with him. The surviving servant who
carried me, declared that he was a Roman Catholick, and imploring their
mercy with his howling _Chram a Cress_, for St. _Patrick a gra_,
procured my Mothers, his own, and my safety.
Thus was I preserv’d, but I hope not reserv’d as a subject for Divine
Vengeance to work on. Had I then died, no other guilt could have
rendered me culpable before Gods Tribunal, but what was derivative from
_Adam_. But since, the concatenation of sins various links hath
encompassed the whole series of my life. Now to the intent I may deter
others from perpetrating the like, and receive to my self Absolution
(according as it is promised) upon unfeigned Repentance, and ingenious
Confession of my nefarious Facts, I shall give the Readers a Summary
Relation of my Life: from my Non-age to the Meridian of my dayes, hoping
that my Extravagancies and youthful Exiliences, have in that state of
life, their declination and period.