Marc stepped into his room and closed the door, but gently, leaving it
still open just a crack. He listened. Across the hall, Julie went into
her room, closed the door. There was an interval of silence, then the
sound of restless movement inside.
Julie's manner downstairs had been tentative, apprehensive and almost
frighteningly gentle. She had seemed to believe Marc's story about
investigating noises but she had asked once too often if he was feeling
well, if the explosion hadn't left him with a terrible headache.
Marc closed the door all the way, went over to the bed, and sat down
to wait; she'd settle down in time and then he could return to the
basement. He looked around absently and as his gaze passed the window
he noticed that the first faint wash of day had come into the sky
outside. He reached to the nightstand, picked up a cigarette and lit
it. He took a deep draft and blew the smoke out thinly, thoughtfully.
With worried bewilderment he considered the fading night's absurdities.
It was as though, in creating the explosion and upsetting the laws
of gravity, he had thrown all the processes of the universe out of
kilter--as though all the natural laws were balanced precariously one
atop the other, so that when one was broken or removed, all the others
came tumbling down to shatter at your feet in consequence. A redheaded
dream could come to life and laugh and sing and guzzle your wine and
raise hell in general all over the lot. Things that were never meant to
could begin to float through the air. It was a disconcerting state of
affairs just to contemplate, let alone experience. Nature had certainly
gone on a bender tonight and no mistake. If these things could happen
what else might not be possible? Marc dreaded to think.
If Marc had been able to look into the unknown regions beyond the
universe he might have had a quick answer to his question. But not a
reassuring one....
* * * * *
In a timeless, unboundaried place, an entity sat cross-legged on a
drifting piece of atmosphere and gazed with jaundiced and disconsolate
eye toward the regions of Eternity. He looked unhappily on the
undiscovered planets whirling and drifting in the distance and said an
extremely vulgar and basic word. He plucked a handful of atmosphere
from the piece on which he sat, untangled his long legs from beneath
his misted robes, and, in a modified way, drop-kicked it into the
hereafter. He repeated the word.
George Pillsworth, the spirit of Marc Pillsworth, was bored to
the socks with the world beyond. He frowned, and the face of Marc
Pillsworth expressed disfavor. He leaned forward and dangled his hands
between his knees, and it was the lean body of Marc Pillsworth that
leaned and the thin hands of Marc Pillsworth that dangled. There,
however, the resemblance rocked to a jarring stop.
The message vibrations came trembling across space again, but George
didn't bother to listen to them. It was probably just the message
center at its eternal business; probably another relay broadcast
forwarding the same old answers to the same old mediums down on earth.
The question came constantly for the upper level spirits: Are you
happy, Uncle Howard? Are you happy, Sister Martha? Always the same
silly question. The devil of it was that no one was ever allowed to
give them a truthful answer; the News Control Board took care of that.
The answer was always the same ... probably recorded, George
suspected ... transmitted from the message center: I am in a beautiful
place. I am very happy.
Very happy, indeed. In this place? George didn't know about the
Kingdoms; maybe they were all right, but this place was.... Well, no,
it couldn't be that. But why didn't they tell the truth for once: I'm
in the dullest place in time, and if I had any blood I'd open my veins.
* * * * *
The thought of transmitting such a message to those bothersome earthly
mediums pleased George immensely. That would rock them back on their
heels and stop their silly questions. He leaned back on his atmosphere
ledge and smiled for the first time in several days. Then suddenly he
sat up as the transmitted vibrations grew more intense, and his own
name sounded across time.
"_George Pillsworth! George Pillsworth! Report instantly to the High
Council! Instantly! Shake a leg, you shabby spook!_"
George's expression was instantly troubled. "Now what have they found
out about?" he sighed.
George paused to recount in his mind his more recent sins. Last week
he had heard that humans often became quite rich by distilling spirits
and had tried the process on a few of his friends. He had come close
to narrowing the circle of his acquaintances to a positive noose. But
they'd already had him on the carpet for that. All in all, a muggy
affair. He shrugged resignedly, dissolved and concentrated his impulses
toward the ...
Council Chambers....
An instant later George rose through the grey mists of the Chamber. He
looked tentatively at the Council and quickly averted his gaze; to an
entity, the Council stared back at him without affection or beauty.
George cleared his throat nervously.
"George Pillsworth, spiritual part to the mortal Marc Pillsworth,
reporting as instructed," he said.
"And not a moment too soon," the Head commented bleakly. "Face the
Council, please. If you've the gall."
Guardedly, George raised his eyes to the Council. The sight was not
heart-warming. The Council, under the very best circumstances, was not
attractive. In a nasty mood it could be inconceivably ugly. Comprised
of five members who prided themselves on being only concerned with
the most profound matters of Eternity, the Council was not given to
pursuits of vanity. It looked like hell and was proud of it.
The Head had not been misnamed. An entity who functioned entirely on
an intellectual plane, his body had dwindled through the years while
his head had become enlarged. Now he was the proud possessor of the
biggest, shaggiest, most formidable top-piece extant. The others were
of a similar stamp, but to a lesser degree. Two of them had fairly
well developed arms and shoulders but they did their best to hide the
fact beneath their robes since it was a clear indication of inferior
mentality. The one who was unfortunate enough to be cursed with rather
a good set of legs was obviously to be regarded as not much of an
intellect at all, a mere messenger boy or literally a leg man. To face
the Council, then, was quite a lot to ask. Almost too much, as far as
George was concerned.
"He's got the gall for anything," one of the armed intellects commented
nastily. "Remember when he was caught selling bogus passports to
ascending spirits?"
George blanched. He wished they would concentrate on the present and
stop dragging up the past.
The Head cleared his throat with a formidable rattle. "I think we can
adhere to the matter at hand without involving personalities," he
said. "The fact that the Pillsworth entity is a spirit of the utmost
depravity has already been established in this Council so often that
the whole subject begins to take on the aspect of a broken record.
We'll come to that later if we must." There was another clearing of
the throat. "The entity will approach the Council."
"Forgive me, your honor," one of the minor members of the Council
intercepted. "But do you think that's really wise? I know it's part of
the prescribed procedure, but mightn't we leave it out, just this once?
I don't trust him a step nearer than he is already."
"I don't trust him that close," another of the members put in.
"Couldn't we reverse the procedure and have him go away from the
Council?"
The Head nodded. "You have a point there," he said. He looked at
George. "Pillsworth, retreat three steps backwards and stand at
attention."
"I meant go away altogether," the member murmured disappointedly. "I
was hoping we could forget the whole thing."
* * * * *
George took three steps backwards and assumed what he supposed could
pass for a position of attention. He tried to look alert.
"Is this correct, sir?" he asked.
"The entity will remain silent until requested to speak!" the Head
thundered. "We'll tell you when you're wrong. Oh, brother!"
"Yes," said one of the others. "For heaven's sake don't let him get
started. He'll be talking us into giving him a down payment on the
acres of Heaven."
"Yes," the Head agreed. "And now to the business at hand." He regarded
George with even less approval than before. "It is the custom of
the Council to advise and instruct every entity before he or she
is released to the world below. He is to be charged here with his
allotment of ectoplasm and called upon to swear from memory to the ten
fundamental oaths as set down in the Haunter's Handbook and Guide. Do
you feel that you are prepared for the ceremony, Pillsworth, or would
you like to request a delay for study and contemplation?"
George shifted excitedly. He could hardly contain himself. This was the
moment for which he had been waiting through all these eternal years.
At last he was to be released to Earth. His heart fairly sang. From
all he'd heard, Earth was precisely the place where his talents and
aptitudes would find their proper market. He was so choked with emotion
he could hardly answer.
"I am prepared," he said weakly.
"However," the Head continued with new emphasis, "there is considerable
doubt as to the status under which you shall be released to the
Earth ... that, not going into the Earth's fitness to rise to the
occasion of your arrival. It appears that your earthly past, Marc
Pillsworth, has departed life, but there is a small degree of
uncertainty about the whole affair. It is known that Marc Pillsworth
was caught in a violent explosion in the basement of his home,
and since then his cosmic radiations have broken. It is possible,
considering the nature of the explosion, that there may be a chemical
interference involved here if the chemical processes of Pillsworth
himself have undergone some sort of change. However, it's not likely.
"At any rate, no request for reservations has been received under the
name of Pillsworth in any of the upper planes, and this has caused us
to be uncertain. Still, we cannot risk the possibility of a slip-up.
When a mortal dies his haunt must be dispatched instantly to his
friends and loved ones. It's always been that way." The Head eyed
George and suddenly looked sad. "It just happens that the Pillsworth's
are unlucky."
"I will endeavor ..." George began earnestly.
"Silence!" The Head bellowed. "We know what you'll endeavor to do,
you devil. Anyway, it has been decided, against all reason and better
judgment, that you shall be dispatched to Earth as per schedule. But
only on a probationary and exploratory basis. In other words, it will
be your mission to go to earth and determine whether Marc Pillsworth is
really dead or not. If he is, you will remain and perform your duties
according to the code. If, however, he proves still to be alive--and
let me emphasize this--you will depart the earth and return instanter.
And not a moment later. Do you understand?"
[Illustration: George stood meekly in the cloud-mists while the Council
discussed his case....]
"Yes, sir," George offered timidly.
"And now," the Head continued, "there is the matter of your character.
If it deserves the name. Actually, you are the most characterless
spirit I have ever had the displeasure to encounter. In you are
combined all the base qualities which we strive so hard to fight in
this region. Sometimes I find myself looking on you as a sort of trash
dump in which are collected all the vile qualities which we have
managed to cleanse from the other spirits. But that's only desperate
rationalization. How you happen to be as you are I have never been able
to figure out. It appears that for every virtue your earthly part has
acquired you have embraced an additional evil. At any rate, you are no
angel, and that's the very least I have to say on the matter.
"The point is that we do not dare to hope that you will stick to the
accepted and orthodox procedures of haunting, let alone be even the
least bit of consolation to Pillsworth's survivors. We only ask--no, we
demand--that you do not disgrace the fine traditions of haunting. It
will be plainly understood that you may be recalled and punished at any
time should you get so far out of line as to be an embarrassment to us.
In other words, Pillsworth, watch your step. Is that clear?"
"Yes, sir," George said mildly. He gazed down at his toes, dissolved
them nervously. "Yes, indeed, sir."
"Very well, then," the Head said. "You will prepare to take the oath
by swearing from memory to the ten rules. Raise your right hand." He
turned to one of his colleagues on the bench. "If this isn't a hollow
mockery, I've never seen one," he muttered.
The favored entity nodded. "As hollow as Aunt Maggie's bustle," he
said. "And twice as tacky."
George raised his right hand and solemnly lifted his eyes in a
heavenward direction. The ten rules, transcribed there sometime before
in hopeful anticipation of this moment, had remained quite legible on
the sleeve of his atmospheric robe.
* * * * *
Fully dressed now and returned to the edge of his bed, Marc watched
the first faint beginnings of night's evolution into day. Since he had
kindly been spared any knowledge of the other force which had been
released by the explosion in the basement, his thoughts concerned
themselves with the staggering circumstance of Toffee and the buoyant
debris. He rose, crossed to the door, and listened for any sound from
across the hall. It was quiet there now.
Leaving the door, he went to the bureau at the far side of the room,
cautiously opened the top drawer, careful to keep his hand over the
opening, and caught the little black book as it gained freedom and shot
upward. He put it in the breast pocket of his jacket and fastened
it there by clasping his pen over it. Then he crossed quickly to
the wardrobe, took out a light topcoat, draped it over his arm, and
returned to the door. He paused again to listen, then shoved the door
open and stepped silently out into the hallway.
In the basement, at the bottom of the steps, he paused and glanced
tentatively about, braced himself against an attack from the redhead.
He waited a moment, then called Toffee's name.
There was a moment of quiet, then a slight rustling as Toffee appeared
from the shadows of the wine bins. She raised her arms above her head
and stretched with a languorous yawn. In the grey light of early
morning her apparel, or rather the lack of apparel, was even more
startling than it had been during the night. Marc glanced quickly away
and held out the coat.
"Here," he said distractedly. "Put this on. And button it up all the
way down."
Toffee looked at the coat without interest. "What for?" she asked with
bland innocence. "And, besides, how can I button it up and down at the
same time?"
"Never mind," Marc said. "Just cover your nakedness."
"My nakedness?" Toffee said. "Why in the world would I want to cover
it? What's wrong with it? I have a perfectly divine nakedness. I'll
match my nakedness with yours any time...."
"No!" Marc broke in. "Don't go on."
"Well, with anyone's nakedness, then, if you're going to be edgey. I
haven't anything to be ashamed of."
"If you did," Marc said bitterly, "you wouldn't have the decency to be
ashamed of it. Put the coat on and stop wasting time."
Toffee shrugged bewilderedly and took the coat from his outstretched
hand. "Oh, well," she said, slipping it on, "if you're going to make a
scene about anything so silly. Where are we going?"
"T wish I knew," Marc said wearily. "Anywhere away from here.
Obviously, you can't hang around here where Julie will run into you."
"No," Toffee said mildly. "I suppose not. Though it would be fun to see
her reaction. Might do her a world of good." She waved a hand at the
wreckage clustered on the ceiling. "What about that? What are you going
to do about your experiment?"
Marc shrugged. "I have to think about that later, when I've got you out
of my hair."
Together, they proceeded to the hole in the wall. Marc lifted Toffee
out, then boosted himself after. Toffee reached down to give him a hand.
"Don't look so glum," she said. "Nothing really awful has happened. Not
yet."
"Be quiet," Marc said.
He led her to the garage at the back of the house, cautiously lifted
the door and indicated a large green convertible. "Get in," he
instructed.
"I am your slave," Toffee said with mock subservience. "Take me where
you will." She got into the car.
Mincing slightly, Marc slid into the seat beside her. "Be quiet," he
said. "Let's try to get out of here without waking up Julie."
* * * * *
It was unfortunate that Marc, in his haste to remove Toffee from
the premises, did not have the foresight to raise the top of the
convertible. With that one small act of protection he might have
secured a clean getaway. As it was, with him and Toffee exposed and
plain to the eyes of the world, he threw the convertible into gear and
backed out of the garage toward just about the most slipshod escape
ever enacted by man.
As the car slid smoothly down the drive, Marc switched off the ignition
so that it might coast soundlessly past that part of the house which
held the window to Julie's room. It was precisely at this point, of
course, that tragedy befell. The black book twisted itself lose in
Marc's pocket and suddenly shot upward.
"Oh, good grief!" Marc said. He put on the brakes.
As he and Toffee watched, the book sailed higher, flitted a bit to one
side and lodged itself in a cross-section of trellis precisely next to
Julie's window.
"What are you going to do?" Toffee whispered.
"Climb up and get it, I suppose," Marc said wretchedly. "I can't leave
it there." He got out of the car, then turned back. "Don't you make a
move while I'm gone."
Toffee nodded vigorously and pulled the collar of her coat up around
her face. "I'll be positively furtive," she giggled.
Marc made his way to the trellis, tested it with his foot, and started
up. Several feet up, he paused to listen. Then, reassured, he continued
upward. A moment later he was within reaching distance of the book. He
sighed with relief.
Down in the car Toffee watched without great concern. However, she was
anxious to be away; it was dull just sitting there. She looked around
for some way to hasten matters. It was then that she conceived the idea
of starting the car so that they could continue their flight the moment
Marc returned to the ground. She glanced at the profusion of knobs
on the elaborate dash board, thoughtfully selected the prettiest, and
twisted....
It was in the same moment that Marc reached for the little book and
caught hold of it, that the early morning suddenly thundered with a
booming rendition of "Anchors Aweigh!" performed by a marine band. All
at once, drums throbbed, cymbals clanged and bugles blared with all the
crashing enthusiasm that a hundred healthy seagoing men could muster.
Marc whirled about, clinging to the trellis, and stared down at Toffee
in horror. But Toffee was too busy frantically twisting knobs to
notice. The music swelled and became louder as windows began to fly
open all over the neighborhood. On the trellis, Marc was assailed with
a chill feeling that there were eyes on the back of his neck. As he
turned about, his nose came within a fraction of brushing Julie's.
"Oh, Lord!" he moaned in belated prayer.
"Marc Pillsworth!" Julie shrieked, leaning further out the window.
"What are you doing? Have you lost your mind?" Then her astonished gaze
moved to the car and Toffee. "Who is that woman?"
Marc glanced distractedly down at Toffee, as though seeing her there
for the first time. "That's nobody," he murmured feebly.
And the next instant it seemed that he had almost spoken the truth,
that indeed the car, Toffee and the pounding radio had never actually
been there at all. As a unit, as Toffee's frantic hand quickly selected
another button and pressed it, they all shot backwards out of the drive
and out of sight. Toffee's shriek of dismay was added discordantly to
the moan of a naval tuba and the scream of racing tires. Marc glanced
desperately at the stunned, sleep-stained faces peering from the houses
across the street and shudderingly closed his eyes. With the others, he
waited for the sound of the crash. But it did not come.
"Marc Pillsworth...!" Julie began, then stopped as Toffee and the
green convertible suddenly reappeared as swiftly and sensationally as
they had departed. Still travelling backwards, the car shot into the
drive with a spray of gravel and headed toward the house like a thing
possessed. Toffee was wildly manipulating the wheel on a hit or miss
basis.
"Help!" she screamed.
"Turn right!" Marc yelled from the trellis. "Turn right!"
Automatically, Toffee followed instructions. She grasped the wheel with
both hands and pulled to the right. The car swerved, crashed over a
flower bed and headed for the lawns. There, pawing turf like a reversed
bull, it described a wide circle and started back for the drive.
Toffee waved elatedly to Marc over her shoulder. "Now I've got it!"
she cried. "It's easy!" Apparently, she did not realize that she had
learned to drive backwards, that there was another way of directing the
mechanism.
Racing the car to the area in front of the garage, she whipped it
around down the drive again. She looked up at Marc.
"Jump as I come past!" she yelled.
"Who is that?" Julie shrieked, finally recovering her voice. "Answer
me! Marc Pillsworth, stay right where you are!"
"Jump!" Toffee yelled. "Now!"
Marc landed on the seat beside Toffee and felt himself borne, as if by
the wind itself, down the drive.
The band swung into a booming arrangement of "Don't Give Up The Ship!"
as, hind bumper first, they skidded into the street and sped away....