_Q._ What is geography?
_A._ The looking for _places_ on a map, or in Downing-street, or anywhere
else in the world.
_Q._ What do you mean by the world?
_A._ Every place comprehended within the circle of a sixpenny omnibus fare
from the Bank.
_Q._ Of what is the world composed?
_A._ Of bricks and mortar, and Thames water.
_Q._ Into how many parts is the world usually divided?
_A._ Into four great parts, viz.--London, Westminster, Marylebone, and
Finsbury; to which may be added the Borough, which is over the water. Or
it may be said that Fashion has divided the world into two distinct parts,
viz.--the East-end and the West-end, and a great number of suburbs.
_Q._ How are the bricks and mortar subdivided?
_A._ Into continents, islands, peninsulas, and isthmuses.
_Q._ What is a continent?
_A._ Any district containing a number of separate residences and distinct
tenements, as _St. James's_, _St. Giles's_.
_Q._ What is an island?
_A._ An island is anything surrounded by the Thames, as _The Eel-Pie
Island_, and _The Convict Hulk_ at Deptford.
_Q._ What is a peninsula?
_A._ Anything that runs into the Thames, as _The Suspension Pier at
Chelsea_, and _Jack-in-the-Water_ at the Tower-stairs.
_Q._ What is an isthmus?
_A._ A narrow place that joins two continents together, as _Temple bar_,
which joins _Westminster_ to the _City_.
_Q._ How is the Thames water divided?
_A._ Morally speaking, it is divided into river water, pipe water, and
gin-and-water.
_Q._ Where is river water found?
_A._ Anywhere between Vauxhall and London Bridges. It is inhabited
principally by flounders and bargemen.
_Q._ What is pipe water?
_A._ An intermitting stream, having its source at some distant basin. It
usually runs into a cistern, until the water-rates get into arrear, when
the supply ceases through the intervention of a turncock.
_Q._ Where is gin-and-water to be found?
_A._ All over the world; but especially in the vicinity of a cab-stand.
_Q._ In what other manner is the Thames water divided?
_A._ Physically speaking, into oceans, seas, gulfs, bays, straits, lakes
and rivers.
_Q._ What is an ocean?
_A._ Any great body of water whose limits it is impossible to describe, as
_The Floating Bath_ at Southwark-bridge, and _The Real Tank_ at the
Adelphi Theatre.
_Q._ What is a sea?
_A._ Any small collection of water, as at Chel_sea_, Batter_sea._
_Q._ What is a gulf?
_A._ A gulf is any place, the greater part of which is surrounded by
lawyers, as _Lincoln's Inn,--The Court of Chancery_.
_Q._ What is a haven?
_A._ A commodious harbour, where people lie at anchor in perfect security,
as _The Queen's Bench,--The Fleet_, the sight of which is
[Illustration: ENOUGH TO TURN ONE'S HEAD.]
_Q._ What is a strait?
_A._ A strait is a narrow passage which connects two broad principles as
_Wakley's Straits_, which join Radicalism and Conservatism.
_Q._ What is a lake?
_A._ A lake is any small portion of Honesty, entirely surrounded by Self,
as _Peel's Politics_.
_Q._ What is a river?
_A._ A river is a Tax-stream which rises from the Treasury, and runs into
the pockets of the Ministerial party. The People are _the source_ of the
stream--the Ministry is _the mouth_. When the mouth is very wide, it is
called a _Tory mouth_. The _right_ or _left_ banks of a Tax stream are the
_Treasury_ or _Opposition benches_, to the right or left of the Speaker
when he has his back to the source.
_Q._ How are tax streams divided?
_A._ Into _salaries_ and _pensions_.
_Q._ What is _a conflux_?
_A._ Any place where two or more salaries or pensions are united, as The
Duke's breeches-pocket.
_Q._ Is there any other peculiarity attending a tax stream?
_A._ Yes. _Radicalism_ is that part of a stream nearest to its _source_;
_Toryism_ that part nearest to its _mouth_.
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