"But, my dear," rejoined Mrs. Applebite, "Mama has had so much experience
that her opinion is worth listening to; I know that you give the
preference to--"
"Vaccination!" interrupted Collumpsion.
"And so do I; but we have heard of grown-up people--who had always
considered themselves secure--taking the small pox, dear."
"To be sure we have," chimed in Mrs. Waddledot; "and it's a very dreadful
thing, after indulgent and tender parents have been at the expense of
nursing, clothing, physicking, teaching music, dancing, Italian, French,
geography, drawing, and the use of the globes, to a child, to have it
carried off because a misguided fondness has insisted upon--"
"Vaccination!" shouted _pater_ Collumpsion.
"Exactly!" continued the "wife's mother." "Now inoculate at once, say I,
before the child's short-coated."
Agamemnon rose from his seat, and advancing deliberately and solemnly to
the table at which his wife and his wife's mother were seated, he slowly
raised his dexter arm above his head, and then, having converted his hand
into a fist, he dashed his contracted digitals upon the rosewood as though
he dared not trust himself with more than one word, and that one
was--"Vaccination!"
Mrs. Waddledot's first impulse was to jump out of her turban, in which she
would have succeeded had not the mystic rolls of gauze which constituted
that elaborate head-dress been securely attached to the chestnut "front"
with which she had sought for some years to cheat the world into a
forgetfulness of her nativity.
"I was warned of this! I was warned of this!" exclaimed the disarranged
woman, as soon as she obtained breath enough for utterance. "But I
wouldn't believe it. I was told that the member for Puddingbury had driven
one wife to her grave and the other to drinking.--I was told that it would
run in the family, and that Mr. _A.C._ Applebite would be no better than
Mr. I. Applebite!"
"Oh! Mama--you really wrong Aggy," exclaimed Theresa.
"It's lucky for you that you think so, my dear. If ever there was an
ill-used woman, you are that unhappy individual. Oh, that ever--I--should
live--to see a child of mine--have a child of hers vaccinated against her
wish!" and here Mrs. Waddledot (as it is emphatically styled) burst into
tears; not that we mean to imply that she was converted into an explosive
_jet d'eau_, but we mean that she--she--what shall we say?--she blubbered.
It is really surprising how very sympathetic women are on all occasions of
weeping, scolding, and scandalising; and accordingly Mrs. Applebite
"opened the fountains of her eyes," and roared in concert with her mama.
Agamemnon felt that he was an injured man--injured in the tenderest
point--his character for connubial kindness; and he secretly did what many
husbands have done openly--he consigned Mrs. Waddledot to the gentleman
who is always represented as very black, because where he resides there is
no water to wash with.
At this agonising moment Uncle Peter made his appearance; and as actors
always play best to a good audience, the weeping ladies continued their
lachrymose performance with renewed vigour. Uncle Peter was a plain
man--plain in every meaning of the word; that is to say, he was very ugly
and very simple; and when we tell you that his face resembled nothing but
a half-toasted muffin, you can picture to yourself what it must have
looked like under the influence of surprise; but nevertheless, both
Agamemnon and the ladies simultaneously determined to make him the
arbitrator in this very important matter.
"Uncle Peter," said Agamemnon.
"Brother Peter," sobbed Mrs. Waddledot.
"Which are you an advocate for?" hystericised Mrs. Applebite.
"Vaccination or inoculation?" exclaimed everybody _ensemble_.
Now whether Uncle John did clearly understand the drift of the question
put to him, or whether he conceived that he was solicited to be the
subject of some benevolent experiments for the advantage of future
generations, it is certain that no man ever looked more positively
[Illustration: ON THE HORN OF A DILEMMA]
than Uncle Peter. At length the true state of the case was made apparent
to him; and the conclusion that he arrived at reflects the greatest
possible credit upon his judgment. He decided, that as the child was a
divided property, for the sake of peace and quietness, the heir of
Applebite should be vaccinated in one arm and inoculated in the other.
* * * * *