[Footnote 1: Envelope endorsed by E.B.B. 'hair.']
_E.B.B. to R.B._
Friday.
[Post-mark, December 1, 1845.]
It comes at eight o'clock--the post says eight ... _I_ say nearer half
past eight ... it _comes_--and I thank you, thank you, as I can. Do
you remember the purple lock of a king on which hung the fate of a
city? _I_ do! And I need not in conscience--because this one here did
not come to me by treason--'ego et rex meus,' on the contrary, do
fairly give and take.
I meant at first only to send you what is in the ring ... which, by
the way, will not fit you I know--(not certainly in the finger which
it was meant for ...) as it would not Napoleon before you--but can
easily be altered to the right size.... I meant at first to send you
only what was in the ring: but your fashion is best so you shall have
it both ways. Now don't say a word on Monday ... nor at all. As for
the ring, recollect that I am forced to feel blindfold into the outer
world, and take what is nearest ... by chance, not choice ... or it
might have been better--a little better--perhaps. The _best_ of it is
that it's the colour of your blue flowers. Now you will not say a
word--I trust to you.
It is enough that you should have said these others, I think. Now _is_
it just of you? isn't it hard upon me? And if the charge is true,
whose fault is it, pray? I have been ashamed and vexed with myself
fifty times for being so like a little girl, ... for seeming to have
'affectations'; and all in vain: 'it was stronger than I,' as the
French say. And for _you_ to complain! As if Haroun Alraschid after
cutting off a head, should complain of the want of an
obeisance!--Well!--I smile notwithstanding. Nobody can help
smiling--both for my foolishness which is great, I confess, though
somewhat exaggerated in your statement--(because if it was quite as
bad as you say, you know, I never should have _seen you_ ... and _I
have_!) and also for yours ... because you take such a very
preposterously wrong way for overcoming anybody's shyness. Do you
know, I have laughed ... really laughed at your letter. No--it has not
been so bad. I have seen you at every visit, as well as I could with
both eyes wide open--only that by a supernatural influence they won't
stay open with _you_ as they are used to do with other people ... so
now I tell you. And for the rest I promise nothing at all--as how can
I, when it is quite beyond my control--and you have not improved my
capabilities ... do you think you have? Why what nonsense we have come
to--we, who ought to be 'talking Greek!' said Mr. Kenyon.
Yes--he came and talked of you, and told me how you had been speaking
of ... me; and I have been thinking how I should have been proud of it
a year ago, and how I could half scold you for it now. Ah yes--and Mr.
Kenyon told me that you had spoken exaggerations--such
exaggerations!--Now should there not be some scolding ... some?
But how did you expect Mr. Kenyon to 'wonder' at _you_, or be 'vexed'
with _you_? That would have been strange surely. You are and always
have been a chief favourite in that quarter ... appreciated, praised,
loved, I think.
While I write, a letter from America is put into my hands, and having
read it through with shame and confusion of face ... not able to help
a smile though notwithstanding, ... I send it to you to show how you
have made me behave!--to say nothing of my other offences to the kind
people at Boston--and to a stray gentleman in Philadelphia who is to
perform a pilgrimage next year, he says, ... to visit the Holy Land
and your E.B.B. I was naughty enough to take _that_ letter to be a
circular ... for the address of various 'Europ_a_ians.' In any case
... just see how I have behaved! and if it has not been worse than ...
not opening one's eyes!--Judge. Really and gravely I am ashamed--I
mean as to Mr. Mathews, who has been an earnest, kind friend to
me--and I do mean to behave better. I say _that_ to prevent your
scolding, you know. And think of Mr. Poe, with that great Roman
justice of his (if not rather American!), dedicating a book to one and
abusing one in the preface of the same. He wrote a review of me in
just that spirit--the two extremes of laudation and reprehension,
folded in on one another. You would have thought that it had been
written by a friend and foe, each stark mad with love and hate, and
writing the alternate paragraphs--a most curious production indeed.
And here I shall end. I have been waiting ... waiting for what does
not come ... the ring ... sent to have the hair put in; but it won't
come (now) until too late for the post, and you must hear from me
before Monday ... you ought to have heard to-day. It has not been my
fault--I have waited. Oh these people--who won't remember that it is
possible to be out of patience! So I send you my letter now ... and
what is in the paper now ... and the rest, you shall have after
Monday. And you _will not say a word_ ... not then ... not at all!--I
trust you. And may God bless you.
If ever you care less for me--I do not say it in distrust of you ... I
trust you wholly--but you are a man, and free to care less, ... and if
ever you _do_ ... why in that case you will destroy, burn, ... do all
but send back ... enough is said for you to understand.
May God bless you. You are _best_ to me--best ... as I see ... in the
world--and so, dearest aright to