_R.B. to E.B.B._
[Post-mark, November 28, 1845.][1]
Take it, dearest; what I am forced to think you mean--and take _no
more_ with it--for I gave all to give long ago--I am all yours--and
now, _mine_; give me _mine_ to be happy with!
You will have received my note of yesterday.--I am glad you are
satisfied with Miss Bayley, whom I, too, thank ... that is, sympathize
with, ... (not wonder at, though)--for her intention.... Well, may it
all be for best--here or at Pisa, you are my blessing and life.
... How all considerate you are, _you_ that are the kind, kind one!
The post arrangement I will remember--to-day, for instance, will this
reach you at 8? I shall be with you then, in thought. 'Forget
you!'--_What_ does that mean, dearest?
And I might have stayed longer and you let me go. What does _that_
mean, also tell me? Why, I make up my mind to go, always, like a man,
and praise myself as I get through it--as when one plunges into the
cold water--ONLY ... ah, _that_ too is no more a merit than any other
thing I do ... there is the reward, the last and best! Or is it the
'lure'?
I would not be ashamed of my soul if it might be shown you,--it is
wholly grateful, conscious of you.
But another time, do not let me wrong myself _so_! Say, 'one minute
more.'
On Monday?--I am _much_ better--and, having got free from an
engagement for Saturday, shall stay quietly here and think the post
never intending to come--for you will not let me wait longer?
Shall I dare write down a grievance of my heart, and not offend you?
Yes, trusting in the right of my love--you tell me, sweet, here in the
letter, 'I do not look so well'--and sometimes, I 'look better' ...
_how do you know_? When I first saw you--_I saw your eyes_--since
then, _you_, it should appear, see mine--but I only _know_ yours are
there, and have to use that memory as if one carried dried flowers
about when fairly inside the garden-enclosure. And while I resolve,
and hesitate, and resolve again to complain of this--(kissing your
foot ... not boldly complaining, nor rudely)--while I have this on my
mind, on my heart, ever since that May morning ... can it be?
--No, nothing _can be_ wrong now--you will never call me 'kind' again,
in that sense, you promise! Nor think 'bitterly' of my kindness, that
word!
Shall I _see_ you on Monday?
God bless you my dearest--I see her now--and _here_ and _now_ the eyes
open, wide _enough_, and I will kiss them--_how_ gratefully!