Now pardon me, dearest, for what is written ... what I cannot cancel,
for the love's sake that it grew from.
The _Chronicle_ was through Moxon, I believe--Landor had sent the
verses to Forster at the same time as to me, yet they do not appear. I
never in my life less cared about people's praise or blame for myself,
and never more for its influence on _other people_ than now--I would
stand as high as I could in the eyes of all about you--yet not, after
all, at poor Chorley's expense whom your brother, I am sure,
unintentionally, is rather hasty in condemning; I have told you of my
own much rasher opinion and how I was ashamed and sorry when I
corrected it after. C. is of a different species to your brother,
differently trained, looking different ways--and for some of the
peculiarities that strike at first sight, C. himself gives a good
reason to the enquirer on better acquaintance. For 'Vulgarity'--NO!
But your kind brother will alter his view, I know, on further
acquaintance ... and,--woe's me--will find that 'assumption's' pertest
self would be troubled to exercise its quality at such a house as Mr.
K.'s, where every symptom of a proper claim is met half way and helped
onward far too readily.
Good night, now. Am I not yours--are you not mine? And can that make
_you_ happy too?
Bless you once more and for ever.
That scrap of Landor's being for no other eye than mine--I made the
foolish comment, that there was no blotting out--made it some four or
five years ago, when I could read what I only guess at now, through my
idle opening the hand and letting the caught bird go--but there used
to be a real satisfaction to me in writing those grand Hebrew
characters--the noble languages!
_E.B.B. to R.B._
Monday.
[Post-mark, November 24, 1845.]
But what unlawful things have I said about 'kindness'? I did not mean
any harm--no, indeed! And as to thinking ... as to having ever
thought, that you could 'imitate' (can this word be 'imitate'?) an
unfelt feeling or a feeling unsupposed to be felt ... I may solemnly
assure you that I never, never did so. 'Get up'--'imitate'!! But it
was the contrary ... _all_ the contrary! From the beginning, now _did_
I not believe you too much? Did I not believe you even in your
contradiction of yourself ... in your _yes_ and _no_ on the same
subject, ... and take the world to be turning round backwards and
myself to have been shut up here till I grew mad, ... rather than
disbelieve you either way? Well!--You know it as well as I can tell
you, and I will not, any more. If I have been 'wrong,' it was not _so_
... nor indeed _then_ ... it is not _so_, though it is _now_, perhaps.
Therefore ... but wait! I never gave away what you ask me to give
_you_, to a human being, except my nearest relatives and once or twice
or thrice to female friends, ... never, though reproached for it; and
it is just three weeks since I said last to an asker that I was 'too
great a prude for such a thing'! it was best to anticipate the
accusation!--And, prude or not, I could not--I never
could--_something_ would not let me. And now ... what am I to do ...
'for my own sake and not yours?' Should you have it, or not? Why I
suppose ... _yes_. I suppose that 'for my own sense of justice and in
order to show that I was wrong' (which is wrong--you wrote a wrong
word there ... 'right,' you meant!) 'to show that I was _right_ and am
no longer so,' ... I suppose you must have it, 'Oh, _You_,' ... who
have your way in everything! Which does not mean ... Oh, vous, qui
avez toujours raison--far from it.
Also ... which does not mean that I shall give you what you ask for,
_to-morrow_,--because I shall not--and one of my conditions is (with
others to follow) that _not a word be said to-morrow_, you understand.
Some day I will send it perhaps ... as you _knew_ I should ... ah, as
you knew I should ... notwithstanding that 'getting up' ... that
'imitation' ... of humility: as you knew _too_ well I should!
Only I will not teaze you as I might perhaps; and now that your
headache has begun again--the headache again: the worse than headache!
See what good my wishes do! And try to understand that if I speak of
my being 'wrong' now in relation to you ... of my being right before,
and wrong now, ... I mean wrong for your sake, and not for mine ...
wrong in letting you come out into the desert here to me, you whose
place is by the waters of Damascus. But I need not tell you over
again--you _know_. May God bless you till to-morrow and past it for
ever. Mr. Kenyon brought me your note yesterday to read about the
'order in the button-hole'--ah!--or 'oh, _you_,' may I not re-echo? It
enrages me to think of Mr. Forster; publishing too as he does, at a
moment, the very sweepings of Landor's desk! Is the motive of the
reticence to be looked for somewhere among the cinders?--Too bad it
is. So, till to-morrow! and you shall not be 'kind' any more.