"Well, never mind just when it happened," I said. "Tell me about it."
"All right," said Blister. "Like I've just said it happens one winter
at New Awlins, the year after I starts conditionin' hosses.
"Things break bad fur me that winter. Whenever a piker can't win a bet
he comes 'round, slaps me on the wrist, 'n' separates me from some of
my kale. I'm so easy I squeezes my roll if I meets a child on the
street. The cops had ought to patrol me, 'cause larceny'll sure be
committed every time a live guy speaks to me.
"I've only got three dogs in my string. One of 'em's a mornin'-glory.
He'll bust away as if he's out to make Salvator look like a truck-hoss,
but he'll lay down 'n' holler fur some one to come 'n' carry him when
he hits the stretch. One's a hop-head 'n' I has to shoot enough dope
into him to make him think he's Napoleon Bonyparte 'fore he'll switch a
fly off hisself. Then when he sees how far away the wire is he thinks
about the battle of Waterloo 'n' says, 'Take me to Elby.'
"I've got one purty fair sort of a hoss. He's just about ready to
spill the beans, fur some odds-on, when he gets cast in the stall 'n'
throws his stifle out. The vet. gets his stifle back in place.
"'This hoss must have a year's complete rest,' he says.
"'Yes, Doc,' I says. ''N' when he gets so he can stand it, how'd a
trip to Europe do fur him?'
"Things go along like this till I'm busted right. No, I ain't
busted--I'm past that. I owes the woman where I eats, I owes the feed
man, I owes the plater, 'n' I owes every gink that'll stand fur a touch.
"One day a messenger boy comes 'n' leans against the stall door 'n'
pokes a yellow envelope at me.
"'Well, Pierpont,' I says, 'what's the good word?'
"'Sign here. Two bits,' he says, yawnin'.
"I sees where it says 'charges paid,' 'n' I takes him by the back of
the neck 'n' he gets away to a flyin' start fur the gate. The message
is from Buck Harms.
"'Am at the St Charles, meet me nine a. m. to-morrow,' it says.
"This Harms duck is named right, 'cause that's what he does to every
guy he meets. He's so crooked he can sleep on a corkscrew. When there
ain't nobody else around he'll take money out of one pocket 'n' put it
in another. He's been ruled off twict 'n' there's no chance fur him to
get back. I wouldn't stand fur him only I'm in so bad I has to do
somethin'.
"'If he takes any coin from me he'll have to be Hermann,' I says to
myself, 'n' I shows up at the hotel the next mawnin'.
"Harms is settin' in the lobby readin' the dope-sheet. I pipes him off
'n' he don't look good to me fur a minute, but I goes over 'n' shakes
his mitt.
"'Well, Blister, old scout, how're they breakin'?' he says.
"'So, so,' I says.
"'That right?' he says. 'I hears different. Fishhead Peters tells me
they've got you on the ropes.'
"'What th' hell does that gassy Fishhead know about me?' I says.
"'Cut out the stallin',' he says. 'It don't go between friends. Would
you like to git a-holt of a new roll?'
"'I don't mind tellin' you that sooner 'n have my clothes tore I lets
somebody crowd a bundle of kale on to me,' I says.
"'That sounds better,' he says. 'Come on--we'll take a cab ride.'
"'Where we goin'?' I asks him, as we gets into a cab.
"'Goin' to look at a hoss,' he says.
"'What fur?' I says.
"'Wait till we git there 'n' I'll tell you,' he says.
"We rides fur about a hour 'n' pulls up at a barn out in the edge of
town. We goes inside 'n' there's a big sorrel geldin', with a blaize
face, in a box-stall.
"'Look him over,' says Harms. I gets one pike at the hoss--
"'Why! it's ole Friendless!' I says.
"'Look close,' he says. 'Wait till I get him outside.'
"I looks the hoss over careful when he's outside in the light, 'n' I
don't know what to think. First I think it's Friendless 'n' then I
think maybe it ain't.
"'If it ain't Friendless, it's his double!' I says at last. 'But I
think Friendless has a white forefoot.'
"'Well, it ain't Friendless,' says Harms as he leads the hoss into the
barn. 'And you're right about the white foot.'
"Now, Friendless is a bird that ain't started fur a year. Harms or
some of his gang used to own him, 'n' _believe me_, he can _ramble
some_ if everythin' 's done to suit him. He's a funny hoss, 'n' has
notions. If a jock'll set still 'n' not make a move on him, Friendless
runs a grand race. But if a boy takes holt of him or hits him with the
bat, ole Friendless says, 'Nothin' doin' to-day!' 'n' sulks all the
way. He'd have made a great stake hoss only he's dead wise to how much
weight he's packin'. He'll romp with anythin' up to a hundred 'n' ten,
but not a pound over that can you slip him. Looks like he says to
hisself, 'They must think I'm a movin' van,' 'n' he lays his ole ears
back, 'n' dynamite won't make him finish better'n fourth. This little
habit of his'n spoils him 'cause he's too good, 'n' the best he gets
from a handicapper is a hundred 'n' eighteen--that kind of weight lets
him out.
"Goin' back in the cab Harms tells me why he sends fur me. This dog
he's just showed me 's named Alcyfras. He's been runnin' out on the
coast 'n' he's a mutt--he can't beat a fat man. Harms sees him one day
at Oakland, 'n' has a guy buy him.
"Harms brings this pup back East. He has his papers 'n' description
all regular. The guy that buys him ain't wise--he's just a boob Harms
is stallin' with. What he wants me to do is to take the hoss in my
string, get him identified 'n' start him a couple of times; then when
the odds is real juicy I'm to start Friendless under the dog's name 'n'
Harms 'n' his gang'll bet him to a whisper at the poolrooms in Chicago
'n' New York.
"'Where's Friendless now?' I asks him.
"'They're gettin' him ready on a bull-ring up in Illinois,' says Harms.
'He's in good shape 'n' 'll be dead ripe time we get ready to ship him
down here. I figure we'll put this gag across about Christmas.'
"'What does the boy wonder get fur swappin' mules with the
Association?' I says. 'I'm just dyin' to know what Santa Claus'll
bring little Alfred.'
"'You get all expenses, twenty-five bucks a week, 'n' a nice slice of
the velvet when we cleans up,' says Harms.
"'Nix, on that noise!' says I. 'If you or some other benevolent gink
don't crowd five hundred iron dollars on G. Percival the day before the
bird flies, he won't leave the perch.'
"'Don't you trust me?' says Harms.
"'Sure,' I says, 'better'n Cassie Chadwick.'
"He argues, but it don't get him nothin' so he says he'll come across
the day before Friendless brings home the bacon, 'n' I make him cough
enough to pay what I owes. The next day a swipe leads Alcyfras out to
the track.
"'What's the name of that dog?' Peewee Simpson yells, as I'm
cross-tyin' the hoss at the stall door.
"'Alcyfras,' I says, as I pulls the blanket off. Peewee comes over 'n'
looks at the hoss a minute.
"'Alcy nothin'!' he says. 'If that ain't Friendless, I never sees him.'
"I digs up the roll Harms give me.
"I'll gamble this pinch of spinach his name is Alcyfras,' I says.
"'You kin name what you like far as I'm concerned, 'n' change it every
mawnin' before breakfast,' says Peewee. 'But if you starts him as
anythin' but Friendless we don't see your freckled face 'round here no
more.'
"By this time a bunch has gathered 'n' soon there's a swell argument
on. One guy'll say it's Friendless 'n' another 'll say it ain't.
Finally somebody says to send fur Duckfoot Johnson, who swiped
Friendless fur two years. They send for him.
"When Duckfoot comes he busts through the crowd like he's the paddock
judge.
"'Lemme look at dis hoss,' he says.
"Everybody draws back 'n' Duckfoot looks the hoss over 'n' then runs
his hand under his barrel close to the front legs.
"'No, sah, dis ain' Frien'less,' he says. 'Frien'less has a white foot
on de off front laig and besides dat he has a rough-feeling scab on de
belly whar he done rip hisself somehow befo' I gits him. Dis dawg am
smooth as a possum.'
"That settles all arguments. You can't fool a swipe 'bout a hoss he's
taken care of. He knows every hair on him.
"One day I'm clockin' this Alcyfras while a exercise-boy sends him
seven-eights. When I looks at my clock I thinks they ought to lay a
thousand-to-one against the mutt, after he starts a couple of times.
Just then somethin' comes 'n' stands in front of me 'n' begins to make
little squeaky noises.
"'Are you Mr. Blister?' it says.
"I bats my eyes 'n' nods.
"'I've got 'em again,' I thinks.
"'Oh, what a relief!' it squeaks. 'I just thought I'd never find you.
I've been looking all over the race course for you!'
"'Gracious! Ferdy, you've had a awful time, ain't you?' I says. 'If
you want to stay out of trouble, read your _Ladies' Home Journal_ more
careful.'
"'My name is Alcibides Tuttle,' says pink toes, drawin' hisself up.
'And I am the owner of the horse called Alcyfras. I purchased this
animal upon the advice of my friend, Mr. Harms, whom I met in San
Francisco.'
"Say! I've worked fur some nutty owners, but this yap's the limit.
"'Well, Alci, here comes Alcy now,' I says, as the boy comes up with
the dog, 'n' my new boss stretches his number three neck out of his
number nine collar 'n' blinks at the hoss.
"Alcibides comes back to the stall with me 'n' from then on he sticks
to me tighter 'n a woodtick. He's out to the track every mawnin' by
nine 'n' he don't leave till after the races. He asks me eighty-seven
squeaky questions a minute all the time we're together. I calls him
'n' his hoss both Alcy fur a while, but I changes him to Elsy--that was
less confusin' 'n' it suits him better.
"The next week I starts Alcyfras among a bunch of crabs in a seven
furlong sellin' race, 'n' the judges hold up his entrance till I can
identify him. I hands them his papers 'n' they looks up the
description of Friendless in the stud-book, where it shows he's got one
white foot. Then they wire to the breeder of Alcyfras 'n' to the
tracks in California where the dog has started. The answers come back
all proper 'n' to cinch it I produce Elsy as owner. They look Elsy
over while he tells 'em he's bought the hoss.
"'Gentlemen,' says Colonel King to the other judges, 'the mere sight of
Mr. Tuttle has inspired me with full confidence in his entry and
himself.' He bows to Elsy 'n' Elsy bows to him. The rest of the
judges turn 'round 'n' look at somethin' over across the center-field.
"I tells Elsy his hoss is all to the merry, but we don't want him to
win till the odds get right. He's standin' beside me at the race, 'n'
Alcyfras runs next to last.
"'Of course, I realize you are more familiar with horse racing than
myself,' he says; 'but I think you should have allowed him to do a
little better. What method did you employ to make him remain so far in
the rear?'
"'I tells the jock to pull him,' I says. The boy was usin' the bat
half the trip, but Elsy never tumbles.
"'What do you say to a jockey when you desire him to lose?' Elsy asks
me.
"'I just say--"Grab this one,"' I says.
"'What do you say when you require him to win?' he squeaks.
"'I don't say nothin'. I hands him a ticket on the hoss 'n' the jock
wins if he has to get down 'n' carry the dog home,' I says.
"Not long after this, Friendless gets in from Illinois. I look him
over in the car 'n' I see he's not ready. He's not near ready.
"'What kind of shoemakers give this hoss his prep.?' I asks Harms.
"'What's wrong with him?' he says. 'He looks good to me.'
"'He ain't ready,' I says. 'Look at him 'n' feel him! He'll need ten
days more work 'n' a race under his belt 'fore he's safe to bet real
money on.'
"Harms buys some stuff at a drug store, 'n' gets busy with the white
fore-foot.
"'Only God A'mighty can make as good a sorrel as that!' he says when
he's through. 'Here's the can of dope. Don't let her fade.'
"'What are you goin' to do about this Elsy person?' I says. 'While I
ain't sayin' it's pure joy to have him around, I ain't got the heart to
hand it to him. I don't mind trimmin' boobs--that's what they're
for--but this Elsy thing is too soft. He must be in quite a wad on
this bum hoss of his'n.'
"'Who's Elsy?' says Harms.
"I tells him, 'n' he laughs.
"'Is that what you call him?' he says. 'What's bitin' you--ain't
Friendless goin' to win a nice purse for him?'
"About ten o'clock that night Alcyfras goes out one gate 'n' Friendless
comes in another. I keeps the foot stained good, 'n' shuts the stall
door whenever Duckfoot shows up. In ten days the hoss is right on edge
'n' one race'll put the finish on him, so I enter him, in a bunch of
skates, as Alcyfras. I gives the mount to Lou Smith--he ain't much of
a jock, but he'll ride to orders. Just before the race I has a heart
to heart talk with Lou.
"'Fur this hoss to win you don't make a move on him,' I says. 'If you
hand him the bat or take hold of him at the get-away he sulks.'
"'All right, I lets him alone,' says Lou.
"'When I'm ready fur you to let him alone I slips you a nice ticket on
this bird. You ain't got a ticket to-day, have you?' I says.
"'Not so's you could notice,' says Lou.
"'Are you hep?' I says.
"'I got-cha, Bo,' says Lou.
"I see Lou's arm rise 'n' fall a couple of times at the start 'n' ole
Friendless finished fifth, his ears laid back, sulkier 'n a grass widow
at a married men's picnic.
"'You let him do better to-day,' says Elsy. 'Isn't it time to allow
him to win?'
"'He wins his next out,' I says.
"I tell Harms we're ready fur the big show 'n' I looks fur a nice race
to drop the good thing into. But it starts to rain 'n' it keeps it up
a week. Friendless ain't a mudder 'n' we has to have a fast track fur
our little act of separating the green stuff from the poolrooms. I'm
afraid the bird stales off if I don't get a race into him, so I enters
him among a pretty fair bunch of platers, to keep him on edge.
"Three days before the race the weather gets good 'n' the track begins
to dry out fast. I see it's goin' to be right fur my race 'n' I meets
Harms 'n' tells him to wire his bunch to bet their heads off.
"'I don't like this race,' he says, when he looks at the entries.
'There's two or three live ones in here. This Black-jack ain't such a
bad pup, 'n' this here Pandora runs a bang-up race her last out. Let's
wait fur somethin' easier.'
"'Well, if you ain't a sure-thing better, I never gets my lamps on
one!' I says. 'Don't you want me to saw the legs off the rest of them
dogs to earn my five hundred? You must have forgot ole Friendless.
He's only got ninety-six pounds up! He'll tin can sure! He kin fall
down 'n' roll home faster than them kind of hosses.'
"But Harms won't take a chance, so I goes back to the track 'n' I was
sore.
"'That guy's a hot sport, not!' I thinks.
"I hates to tell Elsy the hoss he thinks is his won't win--he'd set his
little heart on it so. I don't tell him till the day before the race,
'n' he gets right sassy about it. I never see him so spunky.
"'As owner, I insist that you allow Alcyfras to win this race,' he
says, 'n' goes away in a pet when I tells him nix.
"The day of the race I don't see Elsy at all.
"'You ain't got a ticket to-day, 'n' you know the answer,' I says to
Lou Smith as the parade starts. He don't say nothin' but nods, so I
think he's fixed.
"When I come through the bettin' ring I can't believe my eyes. There's
Alcyfras at four-to-one all down the line. He opened at fifty, so
somebody has bet their clothes on him.
"'Where does all this play on Alcyfras come from?' I says to a booky.
"'A lost shrimp wanders in here and starts it,' says the booky.
"'What does he look like?' I says.
"'Like a maiden's prayer,' says the booky, 'n' I beats it out to the
stand.
"Elsy is at the top of the steps lookin' kind of haughty, 'n'
say!--he's got a bundle of tickets a foot thick in his hand.
"'What dead one's name is on all them soovenirs?' I says, pointin' to
the tickets.
"'Mr. Blister,' he says, 'after our conversation yesterday I made
inquiry concerning the rights of a trainer. I was informed that a
trainer, as a paid employee, is under the direction of the owner--his
employer. You refused to allow my horse to win, contrary to my wishes.
You had no right to do so. I intend that he _shall_ win, and have
wagered accordingly--these tickets are on Alcyfras.' He's nervous 'n'
fidgity, 'n' his voice is squeakier 'n ever.
"'Well, Mr. Belmont,' I says, 'did you happen to give instructions to
any more of your employees, your jockey, fur instance?'
"'I have adopted the method you informed me was the correct one,' he
says, swellin' up. 'I gave a ticket at fifty-to-one calling for one
hundred and two dollars to Mr. Smith, and explained to him that I was
the owner.'
"Before Elsy gets through I'm dopey. I looks over his tickets 'n' he
figures to win eight thousand to the race. I have two iron men in my
jeans--I don't even go down 'n' bet it.
"'What's the use?' I says to myself.
"I can't hardly see the race, I'm so groggy from the jolt Elsy hands
me. Friendless breaks in front and stays there all the way. Lou Smith
just sets still 'n' lets the hoss rate hisself. That ole hound comes
down the stretch a-rompin', his ears flick-flackin' 'n' a smile on his
face. He wins by five len'ths 'n' busts the track record fur the
distance a quarter of a second.
"Then it begins to get brisk around there. I figger to have Alcyfras
all warmed up outside the fence the day Friendless wins. After the
race I'd put _him_ in the stall 'n' send Friendless out the gate.
Elsy, practisin' the owner act, has gummed the game--Alcyfras is over
in the other end of town.
"Ole Friendless bustin' the track record is the final blow. I don't
hardly get to the stall 'fore here comes the paddock judge 'n' his
assistant.
"'We want this hoss and you, too, over at the paddock,' he says.
'What's the owner's name?'
"'Alcibides Tuttle,' I says.
"'Is that all?' says the paddock judge. 'Go get him, Billy!' he says
to his assistant. 'You'll likely find him cashin' tickets.'
"When we gets to the paddock, there's Colonel King and the rest of the
judges.
"'Take his blanket off,' says the colonel, when we leads in the hoss.
"'He's red-hot, Colonel,' I says.
"'So am I,' says the colonel. 'Who was caretaker for the horse
Friendless when he was racing?' he asks some of the ginnies.
"'Duckfoot Johnson,' says the whole bunch at once.
"'Send for him,' says the colonel.
"'I's hyar, boss,' says Duckfoot, from the back of the crowd.
"'Come and look this horse over,' says the colonel.
"'I done looked him over befo', boss,' says Duckfoot, when he gets to
the colonel.
"'When?' says the colonel. 'When did you see him?'
"''Bout a month ago,' says Duckfoot.
"'Did you recognize him?' says the colonel.
"'Yes, sah,' says Duckfoot, 'I done recnomize him thoully fum his haid
to his tail, but I ain' never seed him befo'.'
"'Recnomize him again,' the colonel tells him.
"'Boss,' says Duckfoot, 'some folks 'low dis hoss am Frien'less, but
hit ain'. Ef hits Frien'less, an' yo' puts yo' han' hyar on his belly
dey is a rough-feelin' scab. Dis hoss am puffeckly smo-o--' then he
stops 'n' begins to get ashy 'round the mouth.
"'Well?' says the colonel. 'What's the matter?'
"'Lawd Gawd, boss! _Dis am Frien'less . . . Hyar's de scah_!' says
Duckfoot, his eyes a-rollin'. Then he goes 'round 'n' looks at the
hoss in front. 'Whar his white foot at?' he asks the colonel.
"'That's what we are about to ascertain,' says the colonel. 'Boy,' he
says to a ginny, 'run out to the drug store with this dollar and bring
me back a pint of benzine and a tooth-brush.'
"The ginny beats it.
"'You may blanket this horse now,' the colonel says to me.
"When the ginny gets back, Colonel King pours the benzine on the
tooth-brush 'n' goes to work on the off-forefoot. It ain't long till
it's nice 'n' white again.
"'That is most remarkable!' says Elsy, who's watchin' the colonel.
"'In my opinion, Mr. Tuttle,' says the colonel, 'the only remarkable
feature of this affair is yourself. I can't get you properly placed.
The Association will take charge of this horse until the judges rule.'
"The next day the judges send fur me 'n' Elsy. It don't take Colonel
King thirty seconds to rule me off--I don't get back fur two years,
neither! Then the colonel looks at Elsy.
"'Mr. Tuttle,' he says, 'if your connection with this business is as
innocent as it seems, you should be protected against a further
appearance on the turf. On the other hand, if you have acted a part in
this little drama, the turf should be protected against you. In either
case the judges desire to bring your career as an owner to a close; and
we hereby bar you and your entries from all tracks of the Association.
This is final and irrevocable.'
"Three years after that I'm at Hot Springs, 'n' I drops into McGlade's
place one night to watch 'em gamble. There's a slim guy dealin' faro
fur the house, 'n' he's got a green eye-shade on. All of a sudden he
looks up at me.
"'Blister,' he says, 'do you ever tumble there's two ringers in the New
Awlins deal? Me 'n' Buck Harms has quite a time puttin' it
over--without slippin' you five hundred.'
"It's Elsy! 'N' say!--_his voice ain't any squeakier 'n mine_!"