"Don't they blister horses sometimes to cure them of lameness?"
"Sure," he replied. "But a hoss don't work none fur quite a spell
afterwards. A blister, to do any good, fixes him so he can't hardly
raise his leg fur two weeks.
"Well," he went on, "the race fur maidens was the last thing on the
card. I'm in the betting-ring when they chalks up the first odds, 'n'
my hoss opens at twenty-five-to-one. The two entrance moneys have
about cleaned me. I'm only twenty green men strong. I peels off ten
of 'em 'n' shoved up to a booky.
"'On the nose fur that one,' I says, pointin' to the bird's name.
"'Quit your kiddin',' he says. 'What 'ud you do with all that money?
This fur yours.' 'N' he rubs to twelve-to-one.
"'Ain't you the liberal gink?' I says, as he hands me the ticket.
"'I starts fur the next book, but say!--the odds is just meltin' away.
Joe's 'n' Cal's dough is comin' down the line, 'n' the gazabos,
thinkin' it's wise money, trails. By post-time the bird's a
one-to-three shot.
"I've give the mount to Sweeney, 'n' like a nut I puts him hep to the
bird, 'n' he tells his valet to bet a hundred fur him. The bird has on
socks again, but this time they're empty, 'n' the race was a joke. He
breaks fifth at the get-away, but he just mows them dogs down. Sweeney
keeps thinkin' about that hundred, I guess, 'cause he rode the bird all
the way, 'n' finished a million len'ths in front.
"I cashes my ticket, 'n' starts fur the barn to sleep with that bird,
when here comes Joe Nickel.
"'He run a nice race,' he says, grinnin', 'n' hands me six hundred
bucks.
"What's this fur?' I says. 'You better be careful . . . I got a weak
heart.'
"'I win twelve hundred to the race,' he says. ''N' we splits it two
ways.'
"'Nothin' doin',' I says, 'n' tries to hand him back the wad.
"'Go awn!' he says, 'I'll give you a soak in the ear. I bet that money
fur you, kiddo.'
"I looks at the roll 'n' gets wobbly in the knees. I never see so much
kale before--not at one time. Just then we hears the announcer sing
out through a megaphone:
"'The o-o-owner of Count Nobul-l-l-l is wanted in the judge's stand!'
"'Oy, oy!' says Joe. 'You'll need that kale--you're goin' to lose your
happy home. It's Katy bar the door fur yours, Bud!'
"'Don't worry--watch me tell it to 'em,' I says to Joe, as I stuffs the
roll 'n' starts fur the stand. I was feelin' purty good.
"'Wait a minute,' says Joe, runnin' after me. 'You can't tell them
people nothin'. You ain't wise to that bunch yet. Bud--why, they'll
kid you silly before they hand it to you, 'n' then change the subject
to somethin' interestin', like where to get pompono cooked to suit 'em.
I've been up against it,' he says, ''n' I'm tellin' you right. Just
keep stallin' around when you get in the stand, 'n' act like you don't
know the war's over.'
"'Furget it,' I says. 'I'll show those big stiffs where to head in.
I'll hypnotize the old owls. I'll give 'em a song 'n' dance that's
right!'
"As I goes up the steps I see the judges settin' in their chairs, 'n' I
takes off my hat. Colonel King ain't settin', he's standin' up with
his hands in his pockets. Somehow, when I sees _him_ I begins to
wilt--he looks so clean. He's got a white mustache, 'n' his face is
kind-a brown 'n' pink. He looks at me a minute out of them blue eyes
of his.
"'Are you the owner of Count Noble, Mr.--er--?'
"'Jones, sir,' I says.
"'Jones?' says the colonel.
"'Yes, sir,' I says.
"'Mr. Jones,' says the colonel, 'how do you account for the fact that
on Thursday Count Noble performs disgracefully, and on Saturday runs
like a stake horse? Have the days of the week anything to do with it?'
"I never says nothin'. I just stands there lookin' at him, foolin'
with my hat.
"'This is hell," I thinks.
"'The judges are interested in this phenomenon, Mr. Jones, and we have
sent for you, thinking perhaps you can throw a little light on the
matter,' says the colonel, 'n' waits fur me again.
"'Come on . . . get busy!' I says to myself. 'You can kid along with a
bunch of bums, 'n' it sounds good--don't get cold feet the first time
some class opens his bazoo at you!' But I can't make a noise like a
word, on a bet.
"'The judges, upon looking over the betting sheets of the two races in
which your horse appeared, find them quite interesting,' says the
colonel. 'The odds were short in the race he did _not_ win; they
remained unchanged--in fact, rose--since only a small amount was
wagered on his chances. On the other hand, these facts are reversed in
to-day's race, which he _won_. It seems possible that you and your
friends who were pessimists on Thursday became optimists today, and
benefited by the change. Have you done so?'
"I see I has to get some sort-a language out of me.
"'He was a better hoss to-day--that's all I knows about it,' I says.
"'The _first_ part of your statement seems well within the facts,' says
the colonel. 'He was, apparently, a much better horse to-day. But
these gentlemen and myself, having the welfare of the American
thoroughbred at heart, would be glad to learn by what method he was so
greatly improved.'
"I don't know why I ever does it, but it comes to me how Duckfoot
leaves the towel on the bird's leg, 'n' I don't stop to think.
"'I blistered him,' I says.
"'You--_what_?' says the colonel. I'd have give up the roll quick,
sooner'n spit it out again, but I'm up against it.
"'I blisters him', I says.
"The colonel's face gets red. His eyes bung out 'n' he turns 'round
'n' starts to cough 'n' make noises. The rest of them judges does the
same. They holds on to each other 'n' does it. I know they're givin'
me the laugh fur that fierce break I makes.
"'You're outclassed, kid!' I says to myself. 'They'll tie a can to
you, sure. The gate fur yours!'
"Just then Colonel King turns round, 'n' I see I can't look at him no
more. I looks at my hat, waitin' fur him to say I'm ruled off. I've
got a lump in my throat, 'n' I think it's a bunch of bright
conversation stuck there. But just then a chunk of water rolls out of
my eye, 'n' hits my hat--pow! It looks bigger'n Lake Erie, 'n' 'fore I
kin jerk the hat away--pow!--comes another one. I knows the colonel
sees 'em, 'n' I hopes I croak.
"'Ahem--', he says.
"'Now I get mine!' I says to myself.
"'Mr. Jones,' says the colonel, 'n' his voice is kind-a cheerful. 'The
judges will accept your explanation. You may go if you wish.'"
Just as I'm goin' down the steps the colonel stops me.
"'I have a piece of advice for you, Mr. Jones,' he says. His voice
ain't cheerful neither. It goes right into my gizzard. I turns and
looks at him. '_Keep that horse blistered from now on_!' says the
colonel.
"Some ginnies is in the weighin'-room under the stand, 'n' hears it
all. That's how I gets my name."