“But,” continued the other, “allowances ought to be made; dress is every
thing, as our lieutenant-colonel used to say. Now, if it were not for
that stripe on your trousers, your military cloak, and foraging cap--”
“It's very likely you would not have guessed I was in the service,” said
the officer.
“Exactly so,” replied his companion. “But what say you, sir?--shall we
breakfast together?--I'm a respectable man, and well known in most
towns in the West of England. I travel in my own line, and do business
extensively on commission, in old or damaged hops, especially in Wales,
where I'm going the next trip the passage-boat makes.”
“I can have no doubt of your respectability, sir,” said the officer;
“and accept your invitation very cheerfully.”
“Well, come along then, my boy!” exclaimed the traveller, descending,
for a moment, from his dignity of deportment; “and we'll have a dish of
chat. Have you been abroad?”
“Yes, sir,” replied the young officer; “I had the honour of serving,
with my regiment, at Waterloo.”
“Bless my soul! I'm very glad, sir--very glad, indeed:--there are two
or three points, about which I have long wished to have my mind settled,
relative to that business;--but I never yet had the luck of meeting with
an eye-witness of the battle. Why, sir,--it's the oddest thing in the
world, you'll say;--but at the moment you addressed me, I was thinking
of Hougoumont, and the other places whose names you recollect, no doubt,
better than I do.--And what do you think put it into my head? Why, I'll
tell you:--as I was walking along, the waves, with their bold flow,
surmounted by spray, with the sunbeams dancing about them, reminded
me of a regiment of cuirassiers advancing to the attack: so, to get a
better appetite, in the enthusiasm of the moment I metamorphosed myself
into a battery, and began playing away upon them with pebbles.--Child's
work, you'll say, and derogatory to the character of a man of dignity.”
“I do not exactly agree with you, sir,” said the officer; “great men
have often indulged in the most childish amusements; we are told of one
who caught flies, another who made himself a hobby-horse for his
little family, and a third who enjoyed the frolics of a kitten:--on the
authority of these, and many similar precedents which I recollect, there
seems to be no good reason why a gentleman, who travels in South Wales,
on commission in the damaged hop line, should not, in a moment of
relaxation, Don-Quixotise on the basks of the Severn, by turning the
waves of its rising tide into French cuirassiers, and pelting them with
pebbles.”
“Sir, I like your manner amazingly!” exclaimed the traveller; “and if
you will take any little extra, such as a pork chop or so, with your
chocolate--”
The officer interrupted his companion, by stating that he never took
pork chops with chocolate; and immediately began talking about the
battle of Waterloo, of which, during the walk to the inn, and while
breakfast was preparing and demolishing, he gave the traveller a very
animated and interesting description.
His companion, in return, volunteered a narrative of the most important
military event he had ever borne a share in. “I allude,” said he, “to
the great sham fight, that took place eleven years ago, near a certain
ancient and respectable borough, in a neighbouring county, at which I
had the honour of being present, with a corps you have, probably, heard
of, rather by the honourable and appropriate nick-name of 'The Borough
Buffs,' than by the one which appeared on its buttons and orderly-books.
There was not, perhaps, a more loyal association in the kingdom: we had
not a single French frog on our uniform; which, although I say it,
was one of the most elegant specimens of regimentals that has yet
been produced. Our lieutenant-colonel was as brave and talented a
volunteer-officer as ever wore a sword; and so much satisfaction did he
give to his fellow-townsmen, or fellow-soldiers,--it matters not which,
for they were both,--that a gold cup was presented to him at a public
dinner, the very day before the sham fight took place, in testimony
of the gratitude felt by the whole corps to their worthy and respected
lieutenant-colonel,--whose name was Nickelcockle. The party consisted
of all our own officers, and six or eight guests, who were attached to a
division of a marching regiment, with blue facings, that happened to be
quartered in the borough. Perhaps you never sat down to a more elegant
dinner:--eatables excellent,--every thing that was expensive and out of
season; wine of the first price; and the speeches any thing you
please but parliamentary. That of our major, Alderman Arkfoot, when he
presented the cup, was one of the neatest things I had then heard: but
it was rather eclipsed by Lieutenant-Colonel Nickelcockle's reply;
who, to his other gifts, added that of eloquence, in an extraordinary
degree.--He was, indeed, an eminent man: ambitious, daring, and
talented,--he had, as he frequently boasted, risen from the shop-board
to be one of the greatest army-clothiers in the kingdom; and retired,
in the prime of life, with a splendid fortune, and one daughter, Miss
Arabella Nickelcockle, who is now the wife of a baronet.--But to return
to his speech:--'Gentlemen, and brother officers of The Borough Buff
Volunteers,' said he, 'this is the proudest moment I ever
experienced since I have been a soldier.' At this early period of our
lieutenant-colonel's speech, several of the officers belonging to the
marching regiment, testified their approbation by crying 'Hear!
hear! bravo! hear!'--'Gentlemen, and brother officers,' continued
the lieutenant-colonel, 'my gratitude is immeasurable, and therefore,
inexpressible.'--'Cut the shop, colonel!' whispered the adjutant, who
sat on his right hand, and who, it must be confessed, too often prompted
the lieutenant-colonel, both at our convivial meetings and on parade,
to be quite agreeable: indeed, the fact was frequently noticed by the
corps, and whenever the circumstance was broached, the parties who
mentioned it, invariably sneered; which clearly shewed their opinion
of the matter. The lieutenant-colonel was too good-natured by half, and
took the intrusive hints of the adjutant much too easily; at least, in
my opinion.--'Gentlemen, and brother officers of The Borough Buffs,'
resumed the lieutenant-colonel; 'anxious as I am, at all times, to avail
myself of the advice of our worthy and experienced adjutant, I cannot
make it fit my own feelings to do so at present: he says, 'Cut the shop,
colonel!'--Now, although I have retired, I cannot forget that I owe my
present situation to trade and commerce. I rose, by my own merit, to the
highest civil posts in the borough; and, brother officers, I also did
ditto from the ranks of this corps to be its lieutenant-colonel!' Here
the shouts of approbation were nearly deafening: the regular officers
at the lower end, seemed, by their 'bravos!' to pay a compliment to the
gentle-men-tradesmen, who were about them; and, no doubt, enjoyed the
vexation of the crest-fallen adjutant, if one might judge by their
laughter. Several glasses were broken; and one of the corporation took
off his wig, and flourished it so enthusiastically round his head, that
a shower of powder descended on the persons who sat on each side of
him, as well as those immediately opposite. As soon as order could be
restored, the lieutenant-colonel proceeded with his speech. 'Gentlemen,'
said he, 'without any disrespect to our guests, I beg to say, that an
armed citizen is the best of soldiers. And why?--Because he has his
shop, his goods, his book-debts, _et cetera_, as well as his King and
country to fight for.'--'Bravo!' and 'hear him!'--'I know that some
of the wits, as they call themselves,--the opposition party of the
borough,--and those who are _out_ of place, I have always remarked, shew
their wit much oftener than those who are _in_;--I say, gentlemen, that
some of the _outs_ have been sneering at the cup and its trimmings: they
say that the handle of it looks more like a goose than a swan; which is,
doubtless, a hit at my profession:--but to the utter confusion of the
discontented wise-acres, for once in their lives they are right! I
confess, much to the credit of the artificer, that it does look more
like a goose than a swan. And why! Because, gentlemen--because it was
intended for a goose!--It is, to my knowledge, cut out from an old Roman
pattern, which, I presume, was originally made about the time when the
bird I mentioned came into notice among the first circles, for having
saved Rome, as you all have read in ancient history or elsewhere.' Major
Arkfoot, who had manifested considerable,--and, if I may say so,--very
unbecoming impatience, during the latter sentence or two, here
interrupted the lieutenant-colonel, in a most un-officer-like manner,
and flatly stated that he was labouring under a mistake:--he, Major
Arkfoot, had been honoured with the orders of the committee, to make
the cup, and he offered to pawn his entire credit, that the figure
was intended for a swan; although, he confessed, there was a slight
deficiency in the resemblance: 'but that,' said he, 'with the greatest
respect I say it, lies at the committee's door: they spoiled the ship
for a ha'porth of tar; if they had only given me the other five guineas,
which I demanded, the bird's neck would have been at least an inch and a
half longer, and so made all the difference.' 'Well, gentlemen, goose
or swan,'--pursued the lieutenant-colonel; but before he could utter
another word, several members of the committee rose at once, to address
the major, who vowed that though its neck was rather abbreviated, it
certainly was, to all intents and purposes, a swan; the officers of the
marching regiment, at the lower end of the table, vociferated, 'A goose!
a goose!' and Alderman Major Arkfoot, finding he had the worst of it,
rose again, and roared loud enough to be heard, 'Well, gentlemen, as
my dissentient voice does not seem to yield infinite delight to the
company, without offence to the lieutenant-colonel, a goose let it be
dubbed!' And it was so most unanimously. While the lieutenant-colonel
endeavoured, as he said, to pick up the thread of his discourse, which
had been interrupted in the manner I have mentioned, I cast my eyes
toward the lower end of the table, and, truly, I never remember to have
seen any gentlemen more cheerful at table, than the officers with the
blue trimmings. The lieutenant-colonel next touched upon the important
subject of the great sham fight, on the ensuing day. After describing
the general appearance, the advantages and disadvantages of the
field,--viewing it with a military eye,--he descanted at great length,
on the importance of the post to which The Borough Buffs were appointed.
It was a hill that rose almost perpendicularly from the bank of a swift
brook, and was nearly inaccessible at all points except in the rear.
'Brother-officers,' cried the lieutenant-colonel, 'the gallant
general who commands us, on this occasion, pronounces the post to be
impregnable;--and I feel most grateful to him for the high honour of
having entrusted its defence to the gallant corps of Borough Buffs
under my command. We form, gentlemen, the right arm--the adjutant says,
'wing'--but I say, the right arm'--'Wing!' interrupted the
pertinacious and very unpleasant adjutant. 'Well, the wing,'--thus the
lieutenant-colonel went on; 'the gizzard-wing, of what are supposed
to be the English forces:--our instructions are, to maintain our post
against a regiment of breechless Highlanders; and I doubt not but that
success will crown our efforts. Let not our renown be tarnished by the
non-attendance of any of the officers or privates of the corps;--let not
any man's wife or family, by vain fears, induce him to hang back on
this occasion. It is the first time we have ever had an opportunity of
distinguishing ourselves; and I pledge my word that there is no more
danger than in an ordinary parade. The general, when he inspected us,
did me the honour to say, that there was not a corps in the service
whose accoutrements were cleaner, or whose coats fitted better.
Brother-officers, let us prove that we fit our coats, as well as they
fit us;--let us shew those who sneer at us for being tradesmen, that,
if we do--as they say--if we do drive bargains upon parade, we can also
drive the enemy in the field!' The applause which had been gradually
increasing at every interval between the lieutenant-colonel's sentences,
here reached its climax; the officers at the lower end of the table very
freely joined in it, out of respect to the corps; indeed, the conduct
of these gentlemen was exceedingly flattering on this occasion. But to
continue:--'Gentlemen,' exclaimed the lieutenant-colonel, 'I know that
your feelings match exactly with my own; but, remember, we have a keen
enemy to encounter; we must, therefore, be as cool, as collected, and
as sharp as needles. We shall be supported by two companies of infantry,
who will take up a position, at a little distance on our left, and so
connect us with the main line. The companies I allude to are of that
glorious and gallant regiment to which our worthy guests with the blue
facings belong: they, as well as a troop of yeomanry, which I expect
will muster six or eight-and-thirty strong, will be tacked to The Borough
Buffs and receive my orders.'--'Compose, with our corps, the division
under my command,' muttered the adjutant But the lieutenant-colonel
either did not hear, or would not heed him, and went on with his speech.
“'Gentlemen,' said he, 'I have only to repeat my thanks for the honour
you have conferred on me;--to beseech the greatest punctuality,
neatness, and despatch, to-morrow; and to drink success to the loyal and
efficient corps of Borough Buff Volunteers!' The tumultuous cheers with
which this toast was received, I will not attempt to describe. The
lieutenant-colonel sat down very well satisfied with himself, as well he
might, and everything went on amicably for above an hour; when the peace
of the party was rather disturbed by a violent quarrel, between Alderman
Major Arkfoot and Alderman Lieutenant Squill, one of the committee-men,
relative to the goose or the swan,--whichever it might be, on the
presentation-cup. Words, at last, rose to such a height, that Alderman
Arkfoot--very indecently referring to connubial affairs, totally without
foundation,--for I do not think any man, besides her husband, was better
acquainted with the private life and domestic virtues of Mrs. Squill
than myself,--most injudiciously, in his heat, called Alderman Squill 'a
cuckoldy cur!' Alderman Squill asked, very warmly, 'what he meant by his
_double entendre?_' And the corps might have been seriously disgraced,
by an effusion from that feature whence no military man wishes to shed
his blood, when the lieutenant-colonel, with that infinite presence
of mind for which he has always been admirable in business, the
council-chamber, or the field, rose up, and placing a hand on each
belligerent party's mouth, who were sitting, or rather, standing, within
his reach, and opposite each other,--called upon one of the officers
with the blue facings, for a sentiment or a song. A tall captain, whose
face, if I may presume to say so, was too ferocious to be genteel, but
who had, I must needs testify, been very prominent in applauding
the lieutenant-colonel's speech, immediately complied, and, with his
victorious voice, soon vanquished the inimical and unsociable uproar at
our end of the table, which ought to have set a pattern to the junior
officers in the centre. But a good-natured gentleman's song or saying,
often produces an effect very different to what the singer or the sayer
intends; and this was the case with the ditty of the captain of the
ferocious aspect and colossal voice. His burthen, or chorus, which he
meant as a compliment to us, was turned into a sneer, by some who sat
near the colonel, and who always felt sore even at a compliment on the
corps from any of the regulars. The words of the chorus were, simply, as
I shall here specify;--to wit,--as the law says:--
'The Borough Volunteers, my boys,
Are men both stout and bold;
And when they meet the enemy,
They scorn to be controll'd!'”
“For my own part, I felt obliged to the gentleman, and considered the
expressions as highly gratifying to every member of the corps; but there
were some about me who thought differently. They said, that the word
'stout,' in the second line, was palpably meant satirically, on account
of the portliness of the greater part of the officers of The Borough
Buffs; and that the two last lines were intended to be offensive,
because the singer well knew that our corps, never yet having had
the good fortune to be opposed to an enemy, could not possibly have
exhibited its valour. There were two riders tacked to this reading
of the lines; one of which was, that the words, 'They scorn to be
controlled!' amounted to an impeachment on our discipline: the second,
I recollect, went further, and broadly stated, that those words implied
cowardice; and that, were the corps ever to be brought face to face with
an enemy, we, The Borough Buffs, should, in our fears, so scorn control,
as to shew our adversaries a regiment of heels! Alderman Arkfoot
observed, that as we were all in regimentals, we ought to feel and act
as gentlemen, and call the individual to an account for his obnoxious
chorus; which, he doubted not, might be explained away; but for
the honour of the corps, he thought it ought to be noticed. The
lieutenant-colonel, and several others, were of the same opinion; and it
was unanimously agreed, that the officer, with the ferocious aspect
and exceedingly stupendous voice, should be hauled over the coals.--The
discussion was held in a low tone of voice amongst ourselves, at the
head of the table; we had arrived at that point, when men break into
knots, and discourse in dozens, so that our debate was unheard and
unnoticed by those who were below us. It was agreed that satisfaction
should be demanded; and there the matter seemed to rest, or rather, to
be dying away, for nobody volunteered to do the needful. At last, when
another subject had been started, the adjutant mooted it up again, by
saying, that we reminded him of the fable of the mice, who decided on
putting a bell round Grimalkin's neck, but no valorous individual would
undertake the exploit.--'Gentlemen,' continued he, 'that the officer
at the bottom of the table did intend an insult to the corps, I have no
doubt;--far be it from me to say we do not merit his sneers;--but that
matters not; it behoves us to keep up a character, though we know we do
not deserve it The gentleman must be spoken with. I should do myself
the honour of presenting him with my card, but that it would be a high
breach of military decorum for me to take precedence, in the business,
of the lieutenant-colonel and Major Arkfoot; on either of whom I shall
be proud and happy to attend on this most peremptory occasion.' The
lieutenant-colonel and Alderman Arkfoot now thought they saw the
expressions in rather a different light: they very properly animadverted
upon the evil of bickering or quarrelling about trifles;--protested that
a joke was a joke;--observed that the gentleman was their guest, and
to-morrow was appointed for the sham fight; and, finally, began to joke
and jog off, by degrees, to other affairs;--giving such a favourable
colour to the matter, as they dropped it, as to excite my admiration and
respect. But the bull-dog adjutant still persevered in pinning them to
the point; and, in the end, positively drove our reluctant friends into
a tacit compliance with his request, to be constituted the second of
one of them in the affair. He would not speak to the officer with the
ferocious aspect and blue facings on the subject at table, but said he
should defer it until the party broke up. He then began to be horribly
gay and loquacious. Melancholy reigned among the rest of us, at the
upper end of the table, during the residue of our stay, and we wished
our worthy lieutenant-colonel and Alderman Arkfoot 'goodnight!' with
aching hearts;--blessing ourselves, individually and silently, as we
went home, that we were not field-officers of The Borough Buffs. The
adjutant, sure enough, spoke to the officer who had sung the song,
that night; but the gentleman would give no satisfaction, and was so
fastidious, as to refuse fighting either the lieutenant-colonel, the
major, or, as he said, any other mechanical or counter fellow in the
corps: but as for the adjutant, (who had served, I must tell you, in
a marching regiment, and sold out,) he'd fight him with the greatest
pleasure in life, because he was a gentleman. The next morning they met;
our adjutant was attended by a one-armed lieutenant of the navy, because
the friend of the officer of the ferocious aspect refused, like his
principal, to meet any of us on the subject. Thus the adjutant dug a
pit for himself; and none of us were more sorry than became us for it,
except that it deprived us of his advice in the sham fight; for the
wound which he received in the duel with the officer, although by no
means dangerous, was sufficient to prevent him from leaving his bed for
a week.