_The_ Fable _of the_ Visitor _Who_ Got _a_ Lot _for_ Three
Dollars 1
_The_ Fable _of the_ Slim Girl _Who_ Tried to Keep a Date
that was Never Made 9
_The_ Fable _of the_ New York Person _Who_ Gave _the_ Stage
Fright _to_ Fostoria, Ohio 15
_The_ Fable _of the_ Kid _Who_ Shifted _His_ Ideal 23
_The_ Fable _of the_ Base Ball Fan _Who_ Took _the_ Only Known Cure 27
_The_ Fable _of the_ Good Fairy _with the_ Lorgnette, _and
why_ She Got _It_ Good 33
_The_ Fable _of the_ Unintentional Heroes _of_ Centreville 47
_The_ Fable _of the_ Parents _Who_ Tinkered _with the_ Offspring 53
_The_ Fable _of_ How _He_ Never Touched George 59
_The_ Fable _of the_ Preacher _Who_ Flew _His_ Kite, _but_ not
Because _He_ Wished _to_ Do _So_ 63
_The_ Fable _of_ Handsome Jethro, _Who was_ Simply Cut
Out _to_ be _a_ Merchant 75
_The_ Fable _of_ Paducah's Favorite Comedians _and the_
Mildewed Stunt 83
_The_ Fable _of_ Flora _and_ Adolph _and a_ Home Gone Wrong 93
_The_ Fable _of the_ Copper _and the_ Jovial Undergrads 105
_The_ Fable _of the_ Professor _Who_ Wanted _to be_ Alone 111
_The_ Fable _of a_ Statesman _Who_ Couldn't Make Good 115
_The_ Fable _of the_ Brash Drummer _and the_ Peach _Who_
Learned _that_ There Were Others 123
_The_ Fable _of_ Sister Mae, _Who_ Did _as_ Well _as_ Could
Be Expected 135
_The_ Fable _of_ How _the_ Fool-Killer Backed Out _of a_ Contract 143
_The_ Fable _of the_ Caddy _Who_ Hurt His Head while Thinking 147
_The_ Fable _of the_ Martyr _Who_ Liked _the_ Job 151
_The_ Fable _of the_ Bohemian _Who_ had Hard Luck 157
_The_ Fable _of the_ Coming Champion _Who was_ Delayed 163
_The_ Fable _of the_ Lawyer _Who_ Brought in _a_ Minority Report 177
_The_ Fable _of the Two_ Mandolin Players _and the_ Willing Performer 181
_The_ Fable _of the_ Man _Who_ Didn't Care _for_ Story-Books 195
_THE_ FABLE _OF THE_ VISITOR _WHO_ GOT _A_ LOT _FOR_ THREE DOLLARS.
The Learned Phrenologist sat in his Office surrounded by his Whiskers.
Now and then he put a Forefinger to his Brow and glanced at the Mirror
to make sure that he still resembled William Cullen Bryant.
Near him, on a Table, was a Pallid Head made of Plaster-of-Paris and
stickily ornamented with small Labels. On the wall was a Chart showing
that the Orangoutang does not have Daniel Webster's facial angle.
"Is the Graft played out?" asked the Learned Phrenologist, as he waited.
"Is Science up against it or What?"
Then he heard the fall of Heavy Feet and resumed his Imitation. The Door
opened and there came into the Room a tall, rangy Person with a Head in
the shape of a Rocky Ford Cantaloupe.
Aroused from his Meditation, the Learned Phrenologist looked up at the
Stranger as through a Glass, darkly, and pointed to a Red Plush Chair.
The Easy Mark collapsed into the Boarding-House Chair and the Man with
more Whiskers than Darwin ever saw stood behind Him and ran his Fingers
over his Head, Tarantula-Wise.
[Illustration: THE LEARNED PHRENOLOGIST]
"Well, well!" said the Learned Phrenologist "Enough Benevolence here
to do a family of Eight. Courage? I guess yes! Dewey's got the same kind
of a Lump right over the Left Ear. Love of Home and Friends--like the
ridge behind a Bunker! Firmness--out of sight! Reverence--well, when it
comes to Reverence, you're certainly There with the Goods!
Conscientiousness, Hope, and Ideality--the Limit! And as for
Metaphysical Penetration--oh, Say, the Metaphysical Penetration, right
where you part the Hair--oh, Laura! Say, you've got Charles Eliot Norton
whipped to a Custard. I've got my Hand on it now. You can feel it
yourself, can't you?"
"I can feel Something," replied the Human Being, with a rapt Smile.
[Illustration: HUMAN BEING]
"Wit, Compassion and Poetic Talent--right here where I've got my
Thumb--a Cinch! I think you'll run as high as 98 per cent on all the
Intellectual Faculties. In your Case we have a Rare Combination of
Executive Ability, or the Power to Command, and those Qualities of
Benevolence and Ideality which contribute to the fostering of Permanent
Religious Sentiment. I don't know what your present Occupation is, but
you ought to be President of a Theological Seminary. Kindly slip me
Three Dollars before you Pass Out."
The Tall Man separated himself from Two Days' Pay and then went out on
the Street and pushed People off the Sidewalk, He thought so well of
Himself.
Thereafter, as before, he drove a Truck, but he was always glad to know
that he could have been President of a Theological Seminary.