|I was talking in the smoking-room of a club with a man of somewhat
blunt manner when Blossom came up, clapped him on the shoulder, and
began:
“Well, I think America is bound to----” “Now, do you mind giving us two
minutes?” broke in the other, with harsh emphasis. Blossom, unabashed
and unperturbed, moved off to try his opening on another group. Poor
Blossom! I had almost said “Dear Blossom.” For he is really an excellent
fellow. The only thing that is the matter with Blossom is that he is a
bore. He has every virtue except the virtue of being desirable company.
You feel that you could love Blossom if he would only keep away. If
you heard of his death you would be genuinely grieved and would send
a wreath to his grave and a nice letter of condolence to his wife and
numerous children.
But it is only absence that makes the heart grow fond of Blossom. When
he appears all your affection for him withers. You hope that he will not
see you. You shrink to your smallest dimensions. You talk with an air of
intense privacy. You keep your face averted. You wonder whether the back
of your head is easily distinguishable among so many heads. All in vain.
He approacheth with the remorselessness of fate. He putteth his hand
upon your shoulder. He remarketh with the air of one that bringeth new
new's and good news--“Well, I think that America is bound to----” And
then he taketh a chair and thou lookest at the clock and wonderest how
soon thou canst decently remember another engagement.
Blossom is the bore courageous. He descends on the choicest company
without fear or parley. Out, sword, and at 'em, is his motto. He
advances with a firm voice and a confident air, as of one who knows he
is welcome everywhere and has only to choose his company. He will have
nothing but the best, and as he enters the room you may see his
eye roving from table to table, not in search of the glad eye of
recognition, but of the most select companionship, and having marked
down his prey he goes forward boldly to the attack. Salutes the circle
with easy familiarity, draw's up his chair with assured and masterful
authority, and plunges into the stream of talk with the heavy impact
of a walrus or hippopotamus taking a bath. The company around him melts
away, but he is not dismayed. Left alone with a circle of empty chairs,
he riseth like a giant refreshed, casteth his eye abroad, noteth another
group that whetteth his appetite for good fellowship, moveth towards it
with bold and resolute front. You may see him put to flight as many as
three circles inside an hour, and retire at the end, not because he is
beaten, but because there is nothing left worth crossing swords with. “A
very good club to-night,” he says to Mrs B. as he puts on his slippers.
Not so Trip. He is the bore circumspect. He proceeds by sap and mine
where Blossom charges the battlements sword in hand. He enters timidly
as one who hopes that he will be unobserved. He goes to the table and
examines the newspapers, takes one and seats himself alone. But not so
much alone that he is entirely out of the range of those fellows in the
corner who keep up such a cut-and-thrust of wit. Perchance one of them
may catch his eye and open the circle to him. He readeth his paper
sedulously, but his glance passeth incontinently outside the margin or
over the top of the page to the coveted group. No responsive eye meets
his. He moveth just a thought nearer along the sofa by the wall. Now
he is well within hearing. Now he is almost of the company itself.
But still unseen--noticeably unseen. He puts down his paper, not
ostentatiously but furtively. He listens openly to the conversation,
as one who has been enmeshed in it unconsciously, accidentally,
almost unwillingly, for was he not absorbed in his paper until this
conversation disturbed him? And now it would be almost uncivil not to
listen. He waits for a convenient opening and then gently insinuates
a remark like one venturing on untried ice. And the ice breaks and the
circle melts. For Trip, too, is a bore.
I remember in those wonderful submarine pictures of the brothers
Williamson, which we saw in London some time ago, a strange fish at
whose approach all the other fish turned tail. It was not, I think, that
they feared him, nor that he was less presentable in appearance than any
other fish, but simply that there was something about him that made them
remember things. I forget what his name was, or whether he even had a
name. But his calling was obvious. He was the Club Bore. He was the fish
who sent the other fish about their business. I thought of Blossom as
I saw that lonely creature whisking through the water in search of some
friendly ear into which he could remark--“Well, I think that America is
bound to----” or words to that effect. I thought how superior an animal
is man. He doth not hastily flee from the bore as these fish did. He
hath bowels of compassion. He tempereth the wind to the shorn lamb. He
looketh at the clock, he beareth his agony a space, he seemeth even
to welcome Blossom, he stealeth away with delicate solicitude for his
feelings.
It is a hard fate to be sociable and yet not to have the gift of
sociability. It is a small quality that is lacking. Good company insists
on one sauce. It must have humour. Anything else may be lacking, but
this is the salt that gives savour to all the rest. And the humour must
not be that counterfeit currency which consists in the retailing of
borrowed stories. “Of all bores whom man in his folly hesitates to hang,
and Heaven in its mysterious wisdom suffers to propagate its species,”
says De Quincey, “the most insufferable is the teller of good stories.”
It is an over hard saying, subject to exceptions; but it contains the
essential truth, for the humour of good company must be an authentic
emanation of personality and not a borrowed tale. It is no discredit to
be a bore. Very great men have been bores! I fancy that Macaulay,
with all his transcendent gifts, was a bore. My head aches even at the
thought of an evening spent in the midst of the terrific torrent of
facts and certainties that poured from that brilliant and amiable man. I
find myself in agreement for once with Melbourne who wished that he
was “as cocksure of one thing as Macaulay was of everything.” There is
pretty clear evidence that Wordsworth was a bore and that Coleridge was
a bore, and I am sure Bob Southey must have been an intolerable
bore. And Neckar's daughter was fortunate to escape Gibbon for he was
assuredly a prince of bores. He took pains to leave posterity in
no doubt on the point. He wrote his “Autobiography” which, as a wit
observed, showed that “he did not know the difference between himself
and the Roman Empire. He has related his 'progressions from London to
Bariton and from Bariton to London' in the same monotonous, majestic
periods that he recorded the fall of states and empires.” Yes, an
indubitable bore. Yet these were all admirable men and even great men.
Let not therefore the Blossoms and the Trips be discomfited. It may be
that it is not they who are not fit company for us, but we who are not
fit company for them.
[Illustration: 0084]
[Illustration: 0085]