SCENE FIRST.--_Interior of an Attic. Small door at L. flat; small
attic window at C., shewing the slanting roof of a house beyond, with
two large chimney pots, &c._
_At the rising of the curtain, PHOEBE is discovered on chair, R.,
taking down linen, which is hanging up on a line, and depositing it in
a clothes basket at her side._
PHOEBE. (_singing_) I'm off to Charlestown early in the morning;
I'm off to Charlestown, and little time to stay;
Then give my respects to all the pretty yellar girls;
I'm off to Charlestown before the break of day.
_The small door, L. C., opens, and JONATHAN appears--he has a house
broom in one hand._
JONATHAN. Ah! there's my pretty, merry-hearted little bird, chirruping
away as usual.
PHOEBE. Yes, uncle Jonathan, and now that you _are_ here, you'll help
your "little bird" to take down her clothes line, won't you? (_gets
down_)
JONATH. Very well; only we must look sharp about it; our drawing rooms
and second floor give a party to-night. Dear, dear! only to think of
the swaps and changes of this mortal life! I recollect our drawing
rooms and second floor, Mr. Bunny, going about the streets of London,
crying, "Hare skins--rabbit skins!"
PHOEBE. And now he's a retired furrier, with no end of money! I only
wish I was rich!
JONATH. Phoebe, allow me to remind you, that when your parents sent
you up from Cambridge--celebrated for its university and its
sausages--it was in order to cure you of your nonsensical notions of
finery and grandeur. (_on L._)
PHOEBE. No such thing!
JONATH. No such thing! when you were actually trying to entrap the
affections of a young man, considerably higher up the social ladder
than yourself!
PHOEBE. What, Triptolemus Brown! he was only assistant to a chemist
and druggist, after all. Poor dear Trip, many's the cake of soap and
box of hair pins he's given me. Mark my words, uncle Jonathan, I know
he'll come up to London and find me out--I'm sure of it, and then----
BUNNY. (_without_) Jonathan!
JONATH. (_paying no attention_) And then--only let me catch him coming
after you, and if I don't give him one for his nob---- (_flourishing
his broom_)
_The little door, L. C., opens, and as BUNNY enters, JONATHAN'S broom
falls on his hat, and bonnets him._
BUNNY. (_shouting_) Help! murder!
JONATH. (_raising up BUNNY'S hat_) Mr. Bunny!
BUNNY. Jonathan! How is it, sir, that I find myself obliged to
scramble up in the dark to the top of my own house--to the very
attics, after my own servant? and when I find my own servant, my own
servant breaks my own broom handle over my own head?
PHOEBE. It's my fault, Mr. Bunny; I asked uncle, as a particular
favour, to come up here.
BUNNY. But I presume you didn't ask uncle, as a particular favour, to
demolish my new hat! (_shewing his hat smashed_)
JONATH. Oh! if that's all, I can pay for it; about five and ninepence,
I suppose. (_putting his hand into his breeches pocket_)
BUNNY. Jonathan, my ball opens at eight o'clock--it is now half-past
six. Is it your intention, sir, to illuminate my drawing rooms, by
lighting the gas, or must I perform that office myself.
JONATH. I'm going, sir.
PHOEBE. Oh, Mr. Bunny, if you would only let me have a peep at the
fine ladies and gentlemen; besides, I might, perhaps, make myself
useful.
BUNNY. Very true! I will therefore entrust you, Miss Phoebe, with the
custody of the negus.
JONATH. (_aside_) Negus! a pint of South African Port to a gallon of
water.
BUNNY. You, Jonathan, will respond to the double-knocks, and announce
the respective guests as they enter the drawing room--thus,
(_announcing_) Mr. and Mrs. So-and-so; rather slow and very plain.
JONATH. (_imitating_) "Mr. and Mrs. So-and-so; rather slow and very
plain." All right, sir. (_going_)
BUNNY. Stop; precede me with your lantern. (_JONATHAN goes rapidly out
at door, C., and disappears_) Holloa, stop for me, sir! (_about to go
out through door--turns to PHOEBE_) Remember, Miss Phoebe, I depend on
you. (_he goes out, and immediately a noise is heard as of a person
falling down stairs_)
PHOEBE. Ha, ha, ha! uncle little suspects that I've written to my dear
Triptolemus at Cambridge! but I wasn't so imprudent as to tell him
where I lived--no, no, I only sent him the address of our
establishment in Cranbourne Alley, and----
VOICE. (_outside_) Phoebe, Phoebe!
PHOEBE. That's our third floor's voice. Is that you, Miss Arabella?
Come in.
_ARABELLA HARDAPORT enters at door, L. C._
ARABELLA. I've got three orders for the theatre to-night, will you
come? My cousin, Mr. Luke Sharp, has volunteered to escort us.
PHOEBE. (_aside_) Another cousin! that makes the thirty-seventh that
_I_ know of. (_aloud_) Much obliged, but I'm engaged--I'm going to Mr.
Bunny's ball.
ARABEL. Well, if you won't come with us, I'll say good-bye--Oh, stop!
do step down a minute, there's a good girl, and tell me if my new pork
pie suits me.
PHOEBE. Pork pie?
ARABEL. Yes--my hat; it's a present from Cousin Benjamin.
PHOEBE. (_aside_) Thirty-eight!