[Illustration]
'After our experience of yesterday,' said Bill Barnacle as the company
of Puddin'-owners set off along the road with their Puddin', 'we shall
have to be particularly careful. For what with low puddin'-thieves
disguising themselves as firemen, and low Wombats sneakin' our Puddin'
while we're helpin' to put out fires, not to speak of all the worry and
bother of tryin' to get information out of parrots and bandicoots an'
hedgehogs, why, it's enough to make a man suspect his own grandfather of
bein' a puddin'-snatcher.'
'As for me,' said Sam Sawnoff, practising boxing attitudes as he walked
along, 'I feel like laying out the first man we meet on the off-chance
of his being a puddin'-thief.'
'Indeed,' observed Bunyip Bluegum, 'to have one's noblest feelings
outraged by reposing a too great trust in unworthy people, is to end by
regarding all humanity with an equal suspicion.'
'If you ask my opinion,' said the Puddin' cynically, 'them
puddin'-thieves are too clever for you; and, what's more, they're better
eaters than you. Why,' said the Puddin', sneering at Bill, 'I'll back
one puddin'-thief to eat more in a given time than three Puddin'-owners
put together.'
'These are very treacherous sentiments, Albert,' said Bill sternly.
'These are very ignoble and shameless words,' but the Puddin' merely
laughed scornfully, and called Bill a bun-headed old beetle-crusher.
'Very well,' said Bill, enraged, 'we shall see if a low puddin'-thief is
better than a noble Puddin'-owner. When you see the terrible suspicions
I shall indulge in to-day you'll regret them words.'
To prove his words Bill insisted on closely inspecting everybody he met,
in case they should be puddin'-thieves in disguise.
To start off with, they had an unpleasant scene with a Kookaburra, a low
larrikin who resented the way that Bill examined him.
'Who are you starin' at, Poodle's Whiskers?' he asked.
[Illustration]
'Never mind,' said Bill. 'I'm starin' at you for a good an' sufficient
reason.'
'Are yer?' said the Kookaburra. 'Well, all I can say is that if yer
don't take yer dial outer the road I'll bloomin' well take an' bounce a
gibber off yer crust,' and he followed them for quite a long way,
singing out insulting things such as, 'You with the wire whiskers,' and
'Get onter the bloke with the face fringe.'
Bill, of course, treated this conduct with silent contempt. It was his
rule through life, he said, never to fight people with beaks.
The next encounter they had was with a Flying-fox who, though not so
vulgar and rude as the Kookaburra, was equally enraged because, as Bill
had suspicions that he was the Possum disguised, he insisted on
measuring him to see if he was the same length.
'Nice goings on, indeed,' said the Flying-fox, while Bill was measuring
him, 'if a man can't go about his business without being measured by
total strangers. A nice thing, indeed, to happen to Finglebury
Flying-fox, the well-known and respected fruit stealer.'
However, he was found to be six inches too short, so they let him go,
and he hurried off, saying, 'I shall have the Law on you for this,
measuring a man in a public place without being licensed as a tailor.'
[Illustration]
The third disturbance due to Bill's suspicions occurred while Bunyip
Bluegum was in a grocer's shop. They had run out of tea and sugar, and
happening to pass through the town of Bungledoo took the opportunity of
laying in a fresh supply. If Bunyip hadn't been in the shop, as was
pointed out afterwards, the trouble wouldn't have occurred. The first he
heard of it was a scream of 'Help, help, murder is being done!' and
rushing out of the shop, what was his amazement to see no less a person
than his Uncle Wattleberry bounding and plunging about the road with
Bill hanging on to his whiskers, and Sam hanging on to one leg.
[Illustration]
'I've got him,' shouted Bill. 'Catch a hold of his other leg and give me
a chance to get his whiskers off.'
'But why are you taking his whiskers off?' inquired Bunyip Bluegum.
[Illustration]
'Because they're stuck on with glue,' shouted Bill. 'I saw it at a
glance. It's Watkin Wombat, Esq., disguised as a company promoter.'
'Dear me,' said Bunyip, hurriedly, 'you are making a mistake. This is
not a puddin'-thief, this is an Uncle.'
'A what?' exclaimed Bill, letting go the whiskers.
'An Uncle,' replied Bunyip Bluegum.
'An Uncle,' roared Uncle Wattleberry. 'An Uncle of the highest
integrity. You have most disgracefully and unmercifully pulled an
Uncle's whiskers.'
'I can assure you,' said Bill, 'I pulled them under the delusion that
you was a disguised Wombat.'
'That is no excuse, sir,' bellowed Uncle Wattleberry. 'No one but an
unmitigated ruffian would pull an Uncle's whiskers.
'Who but the basest scoundrel, double-eyed,
Would pluck an Uncle's whiskers in their pride,
What baseness, then, doth such a man disclose
Who'd raise a hand to pluck an Uncle's nose?'
'If I've gone too far,' said Bill, 'I apologize. If I'd known you was an
Uncle I wouldn't have done it.'
'Apologies are totally inadequate,' shouted Uncle Wattleberry. 'Nothing
short of felling you to the earth with an umbrella could possibly atone
for the outrage. You are a danger to the whisker-growing public. You
have knocked my hat off, pulled my whiskers, and tried to remove my
nose.'
'Pullin' your nose,' said Bill, solemnly, 'is a mistake any man might
make, for I put it to all present, as man to man, if that nose don't
look as if it's only gummed on.'
All present were forced to admit that it was a mistake that any man
might make. 'Any man,' as Sam remarked, 'would think he was doing you a
kindness by trying to pull it off.'
'Allow me to point out also, my dear Uncle,' said Bunyip Bluegum, 'that
your whiskers were responsible for this seeming outrage. Let your anger,
then, be assuaged by the consciousness that you are the victim, not of
malice, but of the misfortune of wearing whiskers.'
'How now,' exclaimed Uncle Wattleberry. 'My nephew Bunyip among these
sacrilegious whisker-pluckers and nose-pullers. My nephew, not only
aiding and abetting these ruffians, but seeking to palliate their
crimes! This is too much. My feelings are such that nothing but bounding
and plunging can relieve them.'
And thereupon did Uncle Wattleberry proceed to bound and plunge with the
greatest activity, shouting all the while--
'You need not think I bound and plunge
Like this in festive mood.
I bound that bounding may expunge
The thought of insult rude.
'An Uncle's rage must seek relief,
His anger must be drowned;
It is to soothe an Uncle's grief
That thus I plunge and bound.
'I bound and plunge, I seethe with rage,
My mighty anger seeks
So much relief that I engage
To plunge and bound for weeks.'
Seeing that there was no possibility of inducing Uncle Wattleberry to
look at the affair in a reasonable light, they walked off and left him
to continue his bounding and plunging for the amusement of the people of
Bungledoo, who brought their chairs out on to the footpath in order to
enjoy the sight at their ease. Bill's intention to regard everybody he
met with suspicion was somewhat damped by this mistake, and he said
there ought to be a law to prevent a man going about looking as if he
was a disguised puddin'-thief.
The most annoying part of it all was that when the puddin'-thieves did
make their appearance they weren't disguised at all. They were dressed
as common ordinary puddin'-thieves, save that the Possum carried a bran
bag in his hand and the Wombat waved a white flag.
[Illustration]
'Well, if this isn't too bad,' shouted Bill, enraged. 'What d'you mean,
comin' along in this unexpected way without bein' disguised?'
'No, no,' sang out the Possum. 'No disguises to-day.'
'No fighting, either,' said the Wombat.
'No disguises, no fighting, and no puddin'-stealing,' said the Possum.
'Nothing but the fairest and most honourable dealings.'
[Illustration]
'If you ain't after our Puddin', what are you after?' demanded Bill.
'We're after bringing you a present in this bag,' said the Possum.
'Absurd,' said Bill. 'Puddin'-thieves don't give presents away.'
'Don't say that, Bill,' said the Possum, solemnly. 'If you only knew
what noble intentions we have, you'd be ashamed of them words.'
[Illustration]
'You'd blush to hear your voice a-utterin' of them,' said the Wombat.
'I can't make this out at all,' said Bill, scratching his head. 'The
idea of a puddin'-thief offering a man a present dumbfounds me, as the
saying goes.'
'No harm is intended,' said the Possum, and the Wombat added: 'Harm is
as far from our thoughts as from the thoughts of angels.'
'Well, well,' said Bill, at length. 'I'll just glance at it first, to
see what it's like.'
But the Possum shook his head. 'No, no, Bill,' he said, 'no glancing,'
and the Wombat added: 'To prove that no deception is intended, all heads
must look in the bag together.'
'What's to be done about this astoundin' predicament?' said Bill. 'If
there is a present, of course we may as well have it. If there ain't a
present, of course we shall simply have to punch their snouts as
usual.'
'One must confess,' said Bunyip Bluegum, 'to the prompting of a certain
curiosity as to the nature of this present'; and Sam added, 'Anyway,
there's no harm in having a look at it.'
'No harm whatever,' said the Possum, and he held the bag open
invitingly. The Puddin'-owners hesitated a moment, but the temptation
was too strong, and they all looked in together. It was a fatal act. The
Possum whipped the bag over their heads, the Wombat whipped a rope round
the bag, and there they were, helpless.
[Illustration]
The worst of it was that the Puddin', being too short to look in, was
left outside, and the puddin'-thieves grabbed him at once and ran off
like winking. To add to the Puddin'-owners' discomfiture there was a
considerable amount of bran in the bag; and, as Bill said afterwards,
'if there's anything worse than losing a valuable Puddin', it's bran in
the whiskers'. They bounded and plunged about, but soon had to stop that
on account of treading on each other's toes--especially Sam's, who
endured agonies, having no boots on.
[Illustration]
'What a frightful calamity,' groaned Bill giving way to despair.
'It's worse than being chased by natives on the Limpopo River,' said
Sam.
'It's worse than fighting Arabs single-handed,' croaked Bill.
'It's almost as bad as being pecked on the head by eagles,' said Sam,
and in despair they sang in muffled tones--
'O what a fearful fate it is,
O what a frightful fag,
To have to walk about like this
All tied up in a bag.
'Our noble confidence has sent
Us on this fearful jag;
In noble confidence we bent
To look inside this bag.
'Deprived of air, in dark despair
Upon our way we drag;
Condemned for evermore to wear
This frightful, fearsome bag.'
Bunyip Bluegum reproved this faint-heartedness, saying, 'As our
misfortunes are due to exhibiting too great a trust in scoundrels, so
let us bear them with the greater fortitude. As in innocence we fell, so
let our conduct in this hour of dire extremity be guided by the
courageous endurance of men whose consciences are free from guilt.'
[Illustration]
[Illustration]
These fine words greatly stimulated the others, and they endured with
fortitude, walking on Sam's feet for an hour and a half, when the sound
of footsteps apprised them that a traveller was approaching.
This traveller was a grave, elderly dog named Benjimen Brandysnap, who
was going to market with eggs. Seeing three people walking in a bag he
naturally supposed they were practising for the sports, but on hearing
their appeals for help he very kindly undid the rope.
'Preserver,' exclaimed Bill, grasping him by the hand.
'Noble being,' said Sam.
'Guardian angel of oppressed Puddin'-owners,' said Bunyip Bluegum.
Benjimen was quite overcome by these expressions of esteem, and handed
round eggs, which were eaten on the spot.
'And now,' said Bill, again shaking hands with their preserver, 'I am
about to ask you a most important question. Have you seen any
puddin'-thieves about this mornin'?'
'Puddin'-thieves,' said Benjimen. 'Let me see. Now that you mention it,
I remember seeing two puddin'-thieves at nine-thirty this morning. But
they weren't stealing puddin's. They were engaged stealing a bag out of
my stable. I was busy at the time whistling to the carrots, or I'd have
stopped them.'
'This is most important information,' said Bill. 'It proves this must be
the very bag they stole. In what direction did the scoundrels go,
friend, after stealing your bag?'
'As I was engaged at the moment feeding the parsnips, I didn't happen to
notice,' said Benjimen. 'But at this season puddin'-thieves generally go
south-east, owing to the price of onions.'
'In that case,' said Bill, 'we shall take a course north-west, for it's
my belief that havin' stolen our Puddin' they'll make back to winter
quarters.'
'We will pursue to the north-west with the utmost vigour,' said Bunyip.
'Swearin' never to give in till revenge has been inflicted and our
Puddin' restored to us,' said Bill.
'In order to exacerbate our just anger,' said Bunyip Bluegum, 'let us
sing as we go--