_1._
Though fond of many acquaintances, I desire an intimacy only with a
few. The man in black whom I have often mentioned is one whose
friendship I could wish to acquire, because he possesses my esteem.
His manners, it is true, are tinctured with some strange
inconsistencies; and he may be justly termed an humourist in a nation
of humourists. Though he is generous even to profusion, he affects to
be thought a prodigy of parsimony and prudence; though his
conversation be replete with the most sordid and selfish maxims, his
heart is dilated with the most unbounded love. I have known him
profess himself a man-hater, while his cheek was glowing with
compassion; and while his looks were softened into pity, I have heard
him use the language of the most unbounded ill-nature. Some affect
humanity and tenderness, others boast of having such dispositions from
nature; but he is the only man I ever knew who seemed ashamed of his
natural benevolence. He takes as much pains to hide his feelings, as
any hypocrite would to conceal his indifference; but on every
unguarded moment the mask drops off, and reveals him to the most
superficial observer.
In one of our late excursions into the country, happening to discourse
upon the provision that was made for the poor in England, he seemed
amazed how any of his countrymen could be so foolishly weak as to
relieve occasional objects of charity, when the laws had made such
ample provision for their support. "In every parish house," says he,
"the poor are supplied with food, clothes, fire, and a bed to lie on;
they want no more, I desire no more myself; yet still they seem
discontented. I am surprised at the inactivity of our magistrates, in
not taking up such vagrants, who are only a weight upon the
industrious; I am surprised that the people are found to relieve them,
when they must be at the same time sensible that it, in some measure,
encourages idleness, extravagance, and imposture. Were I to advise any
man for whom I had the least regard, I would caution him by all means
not to be imposed upon by their false pretences: let me assure you,
sir, they are impostors, every one of them, and rather merit a prison
than relief."
He was proceeding in this strain earnestly, to dissuade me from an
imprudence of which I am seldom guilty, when an old man, who still had
about him the remnants of tattered finery, implored our compassion. He
assured us, that he was no common beggar, but forced into the shameful
profession, to support a dying wife and five hungry children. Being
prepossessed against such falsehoods, his story had not the least
influence upon me; but it was quite otherwise with the man in black; I
could see it visibly operate upon his countenance, and effectually
interrupt his harangue. I could easily perceive, that his heart burned
to relieve the five starving children, but he seemed ashamed to
discover his weakness to me. While he thus hesitated between
compassion and pride, I pretended to look another way, and he seized
this opportunity of giving the poor petitioner a piece of silver,
bidding him at the same time, in order that I should not hear, go work
for his bread, and not tease passengers with such impertinent
falsehoods for the future.
As he had fancied himself quite unperceived, he continued, as we
proceeded, to rail against beggars with as much animosity as before;
he threw in some episodes on his own amazing prudence and economy,
with his profound skill in discovering impostors; he explained the
manner in which he would deal with beggars were he a magistrate,
hinted at enlarging some of the prisons for their reception, and told
two stories of ladies that were robbed by beggarmen. He was beginning
a third to the same purpose, when a sailor with a wooden leg once more
crossed our walks, desiring our pity, and blessing our limbs. I was
for going on without taking any notice, but my friend looking
wistfully upon the poor petitioner, bid me stop, and he would show me
with how much ease he could at any time detect an impostor.
He now, therefore, assumed a look of importance, and in an angry tone
began to examine the sailor, demanding in what engagement he was thus
disabled and rendered unfit for service. The sailor replied, in a tone
as angrily as he, that he had been an officer on board a private ship
of war, and that he had lost his leg abroad in defence of those who
did nothing at home. At this reply, all my friend's importance
vanished in a moment; he had not a single question more to ask; he now
only studied what method he should take to relieve him unobserved. He
had, however, no easy part to act, as he was obliged to preserve the
appearance of ill-nature before me, and yet relieve himself by
relieving the sailor. Casting, therefore, a furious look upon some
bundles of chips which the fellow carried in a string at his back, my
friend demanded how he sold his matches; but not waiting for a reply,
desired, in a surly tone, to have a shilling's worth. The sailor
seemed at first surprised at his demand, but soon recollected himself,
and presenting his whole bundle, "Here, master," says he, "take all my
cargo, and a blessing into the bargain."
It is impossible to describe, with what an air of triumph my friend
marched off with his new purchase; he assured me, that he was firmly
of opinion that those fellows must have stolen their goods, who could
thus afford to sell them for half value. He informed me of several
different uses to which those chips might be applied; he expatiated
largely upon the savings that would result from lighting candles with
a match instead of thrusting them into the fire. He averred, that he
would as soon have parted with a tooth as his money to those
vagabonds, unless for some valuable consideration. I cannot tell how
long this panegyric upon frugality and matches might have continued,
had not his attention been called off by another object more
distressful than either of the former. A woman in rags, with one child
in her arms and another on her back, was attempting to sing ballads,
but with such a mournful voice, that it was difficult to determine
whether she was singing or crying. A wretch who, in the deepest
distress, still aimed at good humour, was an object my friend was by
no means capable of withstanding; his vivacity and his discourse were
instantly interrupted; upon this occasion his very dissimulation had
forsaken him. Even in my presence he immediately applied his hands to
his pockets, in order to relieve her; but guess his confusion when he
found he had already given away all the money he carried about him to
former objects. The misery painted in the woman's visage was not half
so strongly expressed as the agony in his. He continued to search for
some time, but to no purpose, till, at length recollecting himself,
with a face of ineffable good-nature, as he had no money, he put into
her hands his shilling's worth of matches.
_2._
As there appeared something reluctantly good in the character of my
companion, I must own it surprised me what could be his motives for
thus concealing virtues which others take such pains to display. I was
unable to repress my desire of knowing the history of a man who thus
seemed to act under continual restraint, and whose benevolence was
rather the effect of appetite than reason.
It was not, however, till after repeated solicitations he thought
proper to gratify my curiosity. "If you are fond," says he, "of
hearing _hair-breadth escapes_, my history must certainly please; for
I have been for twenty years upon the very verge of starving, without
ever being starved.
"My father, the younger son of a good family, was possessed of a small
living in the church. His education was above his fortune, and his
generosity greater than his education. Poor as he was, he had his
flatterers still poorer than himself; for every dinner he gave them,
they returned an equivalent in praise; and this was all he wanted. The
same ambition that actuates a monarch at the head of an army,
influenced my father at the head of his table; he told the story of
the ivy-tree, and that was laughed at; he repeated the jest of the two
scholars and one pair of breeches, and the company laughed at that;
but the story of Taffy in the sedan chair was sure to set the table in
a roar. Thus his pleasure increased in proportion to the pleasure he
gave; he loved all the world, and he fancied all the world loved him.
"As his fortune was but small, he lived up to the very extent of it;
he had no intentions of leaving his children money, for that was
dross; he was resolved they should have learning; for learning, he
used to observe, was better than silver or gold. For this purpose he
undertook to instruct us himself; and took as much pains to form our
morals, as to improve our understanding. We were told that universal
benevolence was what first cemented society; we were taught to
consider all the wants of mankind as our own; to regard the _human
face divine_ with affection and esteem; he wound us up to be mere
machines of pity, and rendered us incapable of withstanding the
slightest impulse made either by real or fictitious distress: in a
word, we were perfectly instructed in the art of giving away thousands
before we were taught the more necessary qualifications of getting a
farthing.
"I cannot avoid imagining, that thus refined by his lessons out of all
my suspicion, and divested of even all the little cunning which nature
had given me, I resembled, upon my first entrance into the busy and
insidious world, one of those gladiators who were exposed with armour
in the amphitheatre at Rome. My father, however, who had only seen the
world on one side, seemed to triumph in my superior discernment;
though my whole stock of wisdom consisted in being able to talk like
himself upon subjects that once were useful, because they were then
topics of the busy world; but that now were utterly useless, because
connected with the busy world no longer.
"The first opportunity he had of finding his expectations
disappointed, was at the very middling figure I made in the
university: he had flattered himself that he should soon see me rising
into the foremost rank in literary reputation, but was mortified to
find me utterly unnoticed and unknown. His disappointment might have
been partly ascribed to his having over-rated my talents, and partly
to my dislike of mathematical reasonings, at a time when my
imagination and memory, yet unsatisfied, were more eager after new
objects, than desirous of reasoning upon those I knew. This did not,
however, please my tutors, who observed, indeed, that I was a little
dull, but at the same time allowed, that I seemed to be very
good-natured, and had no harm in me.
"After I had resided at college seven years, my father died, and left
me--his blessing. Thus shoved from shore without ill-nature to
protect, or cunning to guide, or proper stores to subsist me in so
dangerous a voyage, I was obliged to embark in the wide world at
twenty-two. But, in order to settle in life, my friends, advised (for
they always advise when they begin to despise us) they advised me, I
say, to go into orders.
"To be obliged to wear a long wig, when I liked a short one, or a
black coat, when I generally dressed in brown, I thought was such a
restraint upon my liberty, that I absolutely rejected the proposal. A
priest in England is not the same mortified creature with a bonze in
China; with us, not he that fasts best, but eats best, is reckoned the
best liver; yet I rejected a life of luxury, indolence, and ease, from
no other consideration but that boyish one of dress. So that my
friends were now perfectly satisfied I was undone; and yet they
thought it a pity for one who had not the least harm in him, and was
so very good-natured.
"Poverty naturally begets dependance, and I was admitted as flatterer
to a great man. At first I was surprised, that the situation of a
flatterer at a great man's table could be thought disagreeable; there
was no great trouble in listening attentively when his lordship spoke,
and laughing when he looked round for applause. This even good manners
might have obliged me to perform. I found, however, too soon, that his
lordship was a greater dunce than myself; and from that very moment
flattery was at an end. I now rather aimed at setting him right, than
at receiving his absurdities with submission: to flatter those we do
not know is an easy task; but to flatter our intimate acquaintances,
all whose foibles are strongly in our eye, is drudgery insupportable.
Every time I now opened my lips in praise, my falsehood went to my
conscience; his lordship soon perceived me to be very unfit for
service: I was, therefore, discharged: my patron at the same time
being graciously pleased to observe, that he believed I was tolerably
good-natured, and had not the least harm in me.
"Disappointed in ambition, I had recourse to love. A young lady, who
lived with her aunt, and was possessed of a pretty fortune in her own
disposal, had given me, as I fancied, some reason to expect success.
The symptoms by which I was guided were striking. She had always
laughed with me at her awkward acquaintance, and at her aunt among the
number; she always observed, that a man of sense would make a better
husband than a fool; and I as constantly applied the observation in my
own favour, she continually talked, in my company, of friendship and
the beauties of the mind, and spoke of Mr. Shrimp, my rival's
high-heeled shoes, with detestation. These were circumstances which I
thought strongly in my favour; so, after resolving and re-resolving, I
had courage enough to tell her my mind. Miss heard my proposal with
serenity, seeming at the same time to study the figures of her fan.
Out at last it came. There was but one small objection to complete our
happiness: which was no more, than----that she was married three
months before to Mr. Shrimp, with high-heeled shoes! By way of
consolation, however, she observed, that, though I was disappointed in
her, my addresses to her aunt would probably kindle her into
sensibility; as the old lady always allowed me to be very
good-natured, and not to have the least share of harm in me.
"Yet still I had friends, numerous friends, and to them I was resolved
to apply. O friendship! thou fond soother of the human breast, to thee
we fly in every calamity; to thee the wretched seek for succour; on
thee the care-tired son of misery fondly relies; from thy kind
assistance the unfortunate always hopes relief, and may be ever sure
of--disappointment! My first application was to a city-scrivener, who
had frequently offered to lend me money when he knew I did not want
it. I informed him, that now was the time to put his friendship to the
test; that I wanted to borrow a couple of hundreds for a certain
occasion, and was resolved to take it up from him. 'And pray, sir,'
cried my friend, 'do you want all this money?'--'Indeed, I never
wanted it more,' returned I. 'I am sorry for that,' cries the
scrivener, 'with all my heart; for they who want money, when they come
to borrow, will always want money when they should come to pay.'
"From him I flew with indignation to one of the best friends I had in
the world, and made the same request. 'Indeed, Mr. Dry-bone,' cries my
friend, 'I always thought it would come to this. You know, sir, I
would not advise you but for your own good; but your conduct has
hitherto been ridiculous in the highest degree, and some of your
acquaintance always thought you a very silly fellow. Let me see, you
want two hundred pounds. Do you only want two hundred, sir, exactly?'
'To confess a truth,' returned I, 'I shall want three hundred; but
then I have another friend, from whom I can borrow the rest.'--'Why
then,' replied my friend, 'if you would take my advice, (and you know
I should not presume to advise you but for your own good) I would
recommend it to you to borrow the whole sum from that other friend,
and then one note will serve for all, you know.'
"Poverty now began to come fast upon me; yet instead of growing more
provident or cautious as I grew poor, I became every day more indolent
and simple. A friend was arrested for fifty pounds; I was unable to
extricate him except by becoming his bail. When at liberty he fled
from his creditors, and left me to take his place: in prison I
expected greater satisfactions than I had enjoyed at large. I hoped to
converse with men in this new world simple and believing like myself;
but I found them as cunning and as cautious as those in the world I
had left behind. They spunged up my money while it lasted, borrowed my
coals and never paid for them, and cheated me when I played at
cribbage. All this was done because they believed me to be very
good-natured, and knew that I had no harm in me.
"Upon my first entrance into this mansion, which is to some the abode
of despair, I felt no sensations different from those I experienced
abroad. I was now on one side of the door, and those who were
unconfined were on the other; this was all the difference between us.
At first, indeed, I felt some uneasiness, in considering how I should
be able to provide this week for the wants of the week ensuing; but
after some time, if I found myself sure of eating one day, I never
troubled my head how I was to be supplied another. I seized every
precarious meal with the utmost good-humour; indulged no rants of
spleen at my situation; never called down Heaven and all the stars to
behold my dining upon an halfpenny-worth of radishes; my very
companions were taught to believe that I liked salad better than
mutton. I contented myself with thinking, that all my life I should
either eat white bread or brown; considered that all that happened was
best; laughed when I was not in pain, took the world as it went, and
read Tacitus often, for want of more books and company.
"How long I might have continued in this torpid state of simplicity I
cannot tell, had I not been roused by seeing an old acquaintance, whom
I knew to be a prudent blockhead, preferred to a place in the
government. I now found that I had pursued a wrong track, and that the
true way of being able to relieve others, was first to aim at
independence myself; my immediate care, therefore, was to leave my
present habitation, and make an entire reformation in my conduct and
behaviour. For a free, open, undesigning deportment, I put on that of
closeness, prudence, and economy. One of the most heroic actions I
ever performed, and for which I shall praise myself as long as I live,
was the refusing half a crown to an old acquaintance, at the time when
he wanted it, and I had it to spare; for this alone I deserve to be
decreed an ovation.
"I now, therefore, pursued a course of uninterrupted frugality, seldom
wanted a dinner, and was, consequently, invited to twenty. I soon
began to get the character of a saving hunks that had money, and
insensibly grew into esteem. Neighbours have asked my advice in the
disposal of their daughters; and I have always taken care not to give
any. I have contracted a friendship with an alderman, only by
observing, that if we take a farthing from a thousand pounds, it will
be a thousand pounds no longer. I have been invited to a pawnbroker's
table, by pretending to hate gravy; and am now actually upon treaty of
marriage with a rich widow, for only having observed that the bread
was rising. If ever I am asked a question, whether I know it or not,
instead of answering, I only smile and look wise. If a charity is
proposed, I go about with the hat, but put nothing in myself. If a
wretch solicits my pity, I observe that the world is filled with
impostors, and take a certain method of not being deceived, by never
relieving. In short, I now find the truest way of finding esteem even
from the indigent, is _to give away nothing, and thus have much in our
power to give_."
_Goldsmith._