There is an oblique way of Reproof, which takes off from the Sharpness
of it; and an Address in Flattery, which makes it agreeable though
never so gross: But of all Flatterers, the most skilful is he who can
do what you like, without saying any thing which argues you do it for
his Sake; the most winning Circumstance in the World being the
Conformity of Manners. I speak of this as a Practice necessary in
gaining People of Sense, who are not yet given up to Self-Conceit;
those who are far gone in admiration of themselves need not be treated
with so much Delicacy. The following Letter puts this Matter in a
pleasant and uncommon Light: The Author of it attacks this Vice with
an Air of Compliance, and alarms us against it by exhorting us to it.
_To the GUARDIAN._
"Sir,
"As you profess to encourage all those who any way contribute to the
Publick Good, I flatter my self I may claim your Countenance and
Protection. I am by profession a Mad Doctor, but of a peculiar Kind,
not of those whose Aim it is to remove Phrenzies, but one who makes it
my Business to confer an agreeable Madness on my Fellow-Creatures, for
their mutual Delight and Benefit. Since it is agreed by the
Philosophers, that Happiness and Misery consist chiefly in the
Imagination, nothing is more necessary to Mankind in general than this
pleasing Delirium, which renders every one satisfied with himself, and
persuades him that all others are equally so.
"I have for several Years, both at home and abroad, made this Science
my particular Study, which I may venture to say I have improved in
almost all the Courts of _Europe_; and have reduced it into so safe
and easie a Method, as to practise it on both Sexes, of what
Disposition, Age or Quality soever, with Success. What enables me to
perform this great Work, is the Use of my _Obsequium Catholicon_, or
the _Grand Elixir_, to support the Spirits of human Nature. This
Remedy is of the most grateful Flavour in the World, and agrees with
all Tastes whatever. 'Tis delicate to the Senses, delightful in the
Operation, may be taken at all Hours without Confinement, and is as
properly given at a Ball or Play-house as in a private Chamber. It
restores and vivifies the most dejected Minds, corrects and extracts
all that is painful in the Knowledge of a Man's self. One Dose of it
will instantly disperse itself through the whole Animal System,
dissipate the first Motions of Distrust so as never to return, and so
exhilerate the Brain and rarifie the Gloom of Reflection, as to give
the Patients a new flow of Spirits, a Vivacity of Behaviour, and a
pleasing Dependence upon their own Capacities.
"Let a Person be never so far gone, I advise him not to despair; even
though he has been troubled many Years with restless Reflections,
which by long Neglect have hardened into settled Consideration. Those
that have been stung with Satyr may here find a certain Antidote,
which infallibly disperses all the Remains of Poison that has been
left in the Understanding by bad Cures. It fortifies the Heart against
the Rancour of Pamphlets, the Inveteracy of Epigrams, and the
Mortification of Lampoons; as has been often experienced by several
Persons of both Sexes, during the Seasons of _Tunbridge_ and the
_Bath_.
"I could, as farther Instances of my Success, produce Certificates and
Testimonials from the Favourites and Ghostly Fathers of the most
eminent Princes of _Europe_; but shall content myself with the Mention
of a few Cures, which I have performed by this my _Grand Universal
Restorative_, during the Practice of one Month only since I came to
this City."
_Cures in the Month of February_, 1713.
"_GEORGE SPONDEE_, Esq; Poet, and Inmate of the Parish of St. _Paul's
Covent-Garden_, fell into violent Fits of the Spleen upon a thin Third
Night. He had been frighted into a Vertigo by the Sound of Cat-calls
on the First Day; and the frequent Hissings on the Second made him
unable to endure the bare Pronunciation of the Letter S. I searched
into the Causes of his Distemper; and by the Prescription of a Dose of
my _Obsequium_, prepared _Secundum Artem_, recovered him to his
Natural State of Madness. I cast in at proper Intervals the Words,
_Ill Taste of the Town_, _Envy of Criticks_, _bad Performance of the
Actors_, and the like. He is so perfectly cured that he has promised
to bring another Play upon the Stage next Winter.
"A Lady of professed Virtue, of the Parish of St. _James's
Westminster_, who hath desired her Name may be concealed, having taken
Offence at a Phrase of double Meaning in Conversation, undiscovered by
any other in the Company, suddenly fell into a cold Fit of Modesty.
Upon a right Application of Praise of her Virtue, I threw the Lady
into an agreeable waking Dream, settled the Fermentation of her Blood
into a warm Charity, so as to make her look with Patience on the very
Gentleman that offended.
"_HILARIA_, of the Parish of St. _Giles's in the Fields_, a Coquet of
long Practice, was by the Reprimand of an old Maiden reduced to look
grave in Company, and deny her self the Play of the Fan. In short, she
was brought to such Melancholy Circumstances, that she would sometimes
unawares fall into Devotion at Church. I advis'd her to take a few
_innocent Freedoms with occasional Kisses_, prescribed her the
_Exercise of the Eyes_, and immediately raised her to her former State
of Life. She on a sudden recovered her Dimples, furled her Fan, threw
round her Glances, and for these two _Sundays_ last past has not once
been seen in an attentive Posture. This the Church-Wardens are ready
to attest upon Oath.
"_ANDREW TERROR_, of the _Middle-Temple, Mohock_, was almost induced
by an aged Bencher of the same House to leave off bright Conversation,
and pore over _Cook upon Littleton_. He was so ill that his Hat began
to flap, and he was seen one Day in the last Term at _Westminster-Hall_.
This Patient had quite lost his Spirit of Contradiction; I, by the
Distillation of a few of my vivifying Drops in his Ear, drew him from
his Lethargy, and restored him to his usual vivacious Misunderstanding.
He is at present very easie in his Condition.
"I will not dwell upon the Recital of the innumerable Cures I have
performed within Twenty Days last past; but rather proceed to exhort
all Persons, of whatever Age, Complexion or Quality, to take as soon
as possible of this my intellectual Oyl; which applied at the Ear
seizes all the Senses with a most agreeable Transport, and discovers
its Effects, not only to the Satisfaction of the Patient, but all who
converse with, attend upon, or any way relate to him or her that
receives the kindly Infection. It is often administered by
Chamber-Maids, Valets, or any the most ignorant Domestick; it being
one peculiar Excellence of this my Oyl, that 'tis most prevalent, the
more unskilful the Person is or appears who applies it. It is
absolutely necessary for Ladies to take a Dose of it just before they
take Coach to go a visiting.
"But I offend the Publick, as _Horace_ said, when I trespass on any of
your Time. Give me leave then, Mr. _Ironside_, to make you a Present
of a Drachm or two of my Oyl; though I have Cause to fear my
Prescriptions will not have the Effect upon you I could wish:
Therefore I do not endeavour to bribe you in my Favour by the Present
of my Oyl, but wholly depend upon your Publick Spirit and Generosity;
which, I hope, will recommend to the World the useful Endeavours of,
"_Sir,_
"_Your most Obedient, most Faithful, most Devoted,
most Humble Servant and Admirer_,
"GNATHO.
"***Beware of Counterfeits, for such are abroad.
"_N.B._ I teach the _Arcana_ of my Art at reasonable Rates to
Gentlemen of the Universities, who desire to be qualified for writing
Dedications; and to young Lovers and Fortune-hunters, to be paid at
the Day of Marriage. I instruct Persons of bright Capacities to
flatter others, and those of the meanest to flatter themselves.
"I was the first Inventor of Pocket Looking-Glasses."
_Pope._