MISCELLANEOUS.
When you are walking with a lady who has your arm, be careful to _keep
step_ with her, and do not force her to take long, unladylike steps, or
trot beside you with two steps to one of yours, by keeping your usual
manly stride.
Never allow a lady, with whom you are walking, to carry a bundle, shawl,
or bag, unless both your hands are already occupied in her service.
When you attend a wedding or bridal reception, it is the bridegroom whom
you are to _congratulate_, offering to the bride your wishes for her
future happiness, but not _congratulation_. If you are acquainted with
the bridegroom, but not with the bride, speak to him first, and he will
introduce you to his bride, but in any other case, you must speak first
to the bride, then to the bridegroom, then the bridesmaids, if you have
any previous acquaintance with them, then to the parents and family of
the bride, and after all this you are at liberty to seek your other
friends among the guests. If you are personally a stranger to the newly
married couple, but have received a card from being a friend of one of
the families or from any other reason, it is the first groomsman's
place to introduce you, and you should give him your card, or mention
your name, before he leads you to the bride.
Always remove a chair or stool that stands in the way of a lady passing,
even though she is an entire stranger to you.
You may hand a chair to a strange lady, in a hotel, or upon a boat; you
may hand her water, if you see her rise to obtain it, and at a hotel
table you may pass her the dishes near you, with perfect propriety.
In this country where every other man uses tobacco, it may not be amiss
to say a few words on smoking.
Dr. Prout says, "Tobacco is confessedly one of the most virulent poisons
in nature. Yet such is the fascinating influence of this noxious weed,
that mankind resort to it in every form they can devise, to ensure its
stupifying and pernicious agency. Tobacco disorders the assimilating
functions in general, but particularly, as I believe, the assimilation
of the saccharine principle. I have never, indeed, been able to trace
the development of oxalic acid to the use of tobacco; but that some
analogous, and equally poisonous principle (probably of an acid nature),
is generated in certain individuals by its abuse, is evident from their
cachectic looks, and from the dark, and often greenish yellow tint of
the blood. The severe and peculiar dyspeptic symptoms sometimes produced
by inveterate snuff-taking are well known; and I have more than once
seen such cases terminate fatally with malignant disease of the stomach
and liver. Great smokers, also, especially those who employ short pipes
and cigars, are said to be liable to cancerous affections of the lips."
Yet, in spite of such warnings met with every day, Young America,
Middle-aged America, and Old America will continue to use the poison,
and many even use it in excess. An English writer gives some very good
rules for the times and places where smoking may be allowed, which I
quote for the use of smokers on this side of the water.
He says:
"But what shall I say of the fragrant weed which Raleigh taught our
gallants to puff in capacious bowls; which a royal pedant denounced in a
famous 'Counterblast;' which his flattering laureate, Ben Jonson,
ridiculed to please his master; which our wives and sisters protest
gives rise to the dirtiest and most unsociable habit a man can indulge
in; of which some fair favorers declare that they love the smell, and
others that they will never marry an indulger (which, by the way, they
generally end in doing); which has won a fame over more space and among
better men than Noah's grape has ever done; which doctors still dispute
about, and boys still get sick over; but which is the solace of the
weary laborer; the support of the ill-fed; the refresher of over-wrought
brains; the soother of angry fancies; the boast of the exquisite; the
excuse of the idle; the companion of the philosopher; and the tenth muse
of the poet. I will go neither into the medical nor the moral question
about the dreamy, calming cloud. I will content myself so far with
saying what may be said for everything that can bless and curse mankind,
that, in moderation, it is at least harmless; but what is moderate and
what is not, must be determined in each individual case, according to
the habits and constitution of the subject. If it cures asthma, it may
destroy digestion; if it soothes the nerves, it may, in excess, produce
a chronic irritability.
"But I will regard it in a social point of view; and, first, as a
narcotic, notice its effects on the individual character. I believe,
then, that in moderation it diminishes the violence of the passions,
and, particularly, that of the temper. Interested in the subject, I have
taken care to seek instances of members of the same family having the
same violent tempers by inheritance, of whom the one has been calmed
down by smoking, and the other gone on in his passionate course. I
believe that it induces a habit of calm reflectiveness, which causes us
to take less prejudiced, perhaps less zealous views of life, and to be,
therefore, less irritable in our converse with our fellow creatures. I
am inclined to think that the clergy, the squirearchy, and the peasantry
are the most prejudiced and most violent classes in this country; there
may be other reasons for this, but it is noteworthy that these are the
classes which smoke least. On the other hand, I confess that it induces
a certain lassitude, and a lounging, easy mode of life, which are fatal
both to the precision of manners and the vivacity of conversation. The
mind of a smoker is contemplative rather than active; and if the weed
cures our irritability, it kills our wit. I believe that it is a fallacy
to suppose that it encourages drinking. There is more drinking and less
smoking in England than in any other country of the civilized world.
There was more drinking among the gentry of last century, who never
smoked at all. Smoke and wine do not go well together. Coffee or beer
are its best accompaniments, and the one cannot intoxicate, the other
must be largely imbibed to do so. I have observed among young bachelors
that very little wine is drunk in their chambers, and that beer is
gradually taking its place. The cigar, too, is an excuse for rising from
the dinner-table where there are no ladies to go to.
"In another point of view, I am inclined to think that smoking has
conduced to make the society of men, when alone, less riotous, less
quarrelsome, and even less vicious than it was. Where young men now blow
a common cloud, they were formerly driven to a fearful consumption of
wine, and this in their heads, they were ready and roused to any
iniquity. But the pipe is the bachelor's wife. With it he can endure
solitude longer, and is not forced into low society in order to shun it.
With it, too, the idle can pass many an hour, which otherwise he would
have given, not to work, but to extravagant devilries. With it he is no
longer restless and impatient for excitement of any kind. We never hear
now of young blades issuing in bands from their wine to beat the watch
or disturb the slumbering citizens, as we did thirty or forty years ago,
when smoking was still a rarity; they are all puffing harmlessly in
their chambers now. But, on the other hand, I foresee with dread a too
tender allegiance to the pipe, to the destruction of good society, and
the abandonment of the ladies. No wonder they hate it, dear creatures;
the pipe is the worst rival a woman can have, and it is one whose eyes
she cannot scratch out; who improves with age, while she herself
declines; who has an art which no woman possesses, that of never
wearying her devotee; who is silent, yet a companion; costs little, yet
gives much pleasure; who, lastly, never upbraids, and always yields the
same joy. Ah! this is a powerful rival to wife or maid, and no wonder
that at last the woman succumbs, consents, and, rather than lose her
lord or master, even supplies the hated herb with her own fair hands.
"There are rules to limit this indulgence. One must never smoke, nor
even ask to smoke, in the company of the fair. If they know that in a
few minutes you will be running off to your cigar, the fair will do
well--say it is in a garden, or so--to allow you to bring it out and
smoke it there. One must never smoke, again, in the streets; that is, in
daylight. The deadly crime may be committed, like burglary, after dark,
but not before. One must never smoke in a room inhabited at times by the
ladies; thus, a well-bred man who has a wife or sisters, will not offer
to smoke in the dining-room after dinner. One must never smoke in a
public place, where ladies are or might be, for instance, a flower-show
or promenade. One may smoke in a railway-carriage in spite of by-laws,
if one has first obtained the consent of every one present; but if there
be a lady there, though she give her consent, smoke not. In nine cases
out of ten, she will give it from good nature. One must never smoke in a
close carriage; one may ask and obtain leave to smoke when returning
from a pic-nic or expedition in an open carriage. One must never smoke
in a theatre, on a race-course, nor in church. This last is not,
perhaps, a needless caution. In the Belgian churches you see a placard
announcing, 'Ici on ne mâche pas du tabac.' One must never smoke when
anybody shows an objection to it. One must never smoke a pipe in the
streets; one must never smoke at all in the coffee-room of a hotel. One
must never smoke, without consent, in the presence of a clergyman, and
one must never offer a cigar to any ecclesiastic.
"But if you smoke, or if you are in the company of smokers, and are to
wear your clothes in the presence of ladies afterwards, you must change
them to smoke in. A host who asks you to smoke, will generally offer you
an old coat for the purpose. You must also, after smoking, rinse the
mouth well out, and, if possible, brush the teeth. You should never
smoke in another person's house without leave, and you should not ask
leave to do so if there are ladies in the house. When you are going to
smoke a cigar you should offer one at the same time to anybody present,
if not a clergyman or a very old man. You should always smoke a cigar
given to you, whether good or bad, and never make any remarks on its
quality.
"Smoking reminds me of spitting, but as this is at all times a
disgusting habit, I need say nothing more than--never indulge in it.
Besides being coarse and atrocious, it is very bad for the health."
Chesterfield warns his son against faults in good breeding in the
following words, and these warnings will be equally applicable to the
student of etiquette in the present day. He says:--
"Of the lesser talents, good breeding is the principal and most
necessary one, not only as it is very important in itself, but as it
adds great lustre to the more solid advantages both of the heart and the
mind. I have often touched upon good breeding to you before; so that
this letter shall be upon the next necessary qualification to it, which
is a genteel and easy manner and carriage, wholly free from those odd
tricks, ill-habits, and awkwardnesses, which even many very worthy and
sensible people have in their behaviour. However trifling a genteel
manner may sound, it is of very great consequence towards pleasing in
private life, especially the women, which one time or other, you will
think worth pleasing; and I have known many a man from his awkwardness,
give people such a dislike of him at first, that all his merit could not
get the better of it afterwards. Whereas a genteel manner prepossesses
people in your favor, bends them towards you, and makes them wish to be
like you. Awkwardness can proceed but from two causes; either from not
having kept good company, or from not having attended to it. In good
company do you take care to observe their ways and manners, and to form
your own upon them. Attention is absolutely necessary for this, as,
indeed, it is for everything else; and a man without attention is not
fit to live in the world. When an awkward fellow first comes into a
room, it is highly probable that he goes and places himself in the very
place of the whole room where he should not; there he soon lets his hat
fall down, and, in taking it up again, throws down his cane; in
recovering his cane, his hat falls a second time, so that he is quarter
of an hour before he is in order again. If he drinks tea or coffee, he
certainly scalds his mouth, and lets either the cup or saucer fall, and
spills either the tea or coffee. At dinner his awkwardness distinguishes
itself particularly, as he has more to do; there he holds his knife,
fork, and spoon differently from other people, eats with his knife, to
the great danger of his mouth, picks his teeth with his fork, and puts
his spoon, which has been in his throat twenty times, into the dishes
again. If he is to carve, he can never hit the joint: but, in his vain
efforts to cut through the bone, scatters the sauce in everybody's face.
He generally daubs himself with soup and grease, though his napkin is
commonly stuck through a button-hole, and tickles his chin. When he
drinks, he infallibly coughs in his glass, and besprinkles the company.
Besides all this, he has strange tricks and gestures; such as snuffing
up his nose, making faces, putting his finger in his nose, or blowing it
and looking afterwards in his handkerchief so as to make the company
sick. His hands are troublesome to him, when he has not something in
them, and he does not know where to put them; but they are in perpetual
motion between his bosom and his breeches; he does not wear his clothes,
and, in short, he does nothing like other people. All this, I own, is
not in any degree criminal; but it is highly disagreeable and ridiculous
in company, and ought most carefully to be avoided, by whoever desires
to please.
"From this account of what you should not do, you may easily judge what
you should do; and a due attention to the manners of people of fashion,
and who have seen the world, will make it habitual and familiar to you.
"There is, likewise, an awkwardness of expression and words, most
carefully to be avoided; such as false English, bad pronunciation, old
sayings, and common proverbs; which are so many proofs of having kept
bad and low company. For example, if, instead of saying that tastes are
different, and that every man has his own peculiar one, you should let
off a proverb, and say, That what is one man's meat is another man's
poison; or else, Every one as they like, as the good man said when he
kissed his cow; everybody would be persuaded that you had never kept
company with anybody above footmen and housemaids.
"Attention will do all this, and without attention nothing is to be
done; want of attention, which is really want of thought, is either
folly or madness. You should not only have attention to everything, but
a quickness of attention, so as to observe, at once, all the people in
the room, their motions, their looks, and their words, and yet without
staring at them, and seeming to be an observer. This quick and
unobserved observation is of infinite advantage in life, and is to be
acquired with care; and, on the contrary, what is called absence, which
is thoughtlessness, and want of attention about what is doing, makes a
man so like either a fool or a madman, that, for my part, I see no real
difference. A fool never has thought; a madman has lost it; and an
absent man is, for the time, without it.
"I would warn you against those disagreeable tricks and awkwardnesses,
which many people contract when they are young, by the negligence of
their parents, and cannot get quit of them when they are old; such as
odd motions, strange postures, and ungenteel carriage. But there is
likewise an awkwardness of the mind, that ought to be, and with care may
be, avoided; as, for instance, to mistake names; to speak of Mr.
What-d'ye-call-him, or Mrs. Thingum, or How-d'ye-call-her, is
excessively awkward and ordinary. To call people by improper titles and
appellations is so too. To begin a story or narration when you are not
perfect in it, and cannot go through with it, but are forced, possibly,
to say, in the middle of it, 'I have forgotten the rest,' is very
unpleasant and bungling. One must be extremely exact, clear, and
perspicuous, in everything one says, otherwise, instead of entertaining,
or informing others, one only tires and puzzles them. The voice and
manner of speaking, too, are not to be neglected; some people almost
shut their mouths when they speak, and mutter so, that they are not to
be understood; others speak so fast, and sputter, that they are not to
be understood neither; some always speak as loud as if they were talking
to deaf people; and others so low that one cannot hear them. All these
habits are awkward and disagreeable, and are to be avoided by attention;
they are the distinguishing marks of the ordinary people, who have had
no care taken of their education. You cannot imagine how necessary it is
to mind all these little things; for I have seen many people with great
talents ill-received, for want of having these talents, too; and others
well received, only from their little talents, and who have had no great
ones."
Nothing is in worse taste in society than to repeat the witticisms or
remarks of another person as if they were your own. If you are
discovered in the larceny of another's ideas, you may originate a
thousand brilliant ones afterwards, but you will not gain the credit of
one. If you quote your friend's remarks, give them as quotations.
Be cautious in the use of your tongue. Wise men say, that a man may
repent when he has spoken, but he will not repent if he keeps silence.
If you wish to retain a good position in society, be careful to return
all the visits which are paid to you, promptly, and do not neglect your
calls upon ladies, invalids, and men older than yourself.
Visiting cards should be small, perfectly plain, with your name, and, if
you will, your address _engraved_ upon it. A handsomely written card is
the most elegant one for a gentleman, after that comes the engraved one;
a printed one is very seldom used, and is not at all elegant. Have no
fanciful devices, ornamented edges, or flourishes upon your visiting
cards, and never put your profession or business upon any but business
cards, unless it is as a prefix or title: as, Dr., Capt., Col., or Gen.,
in case you are in the army or navy, put U.S.N., or U.S.A. after your
name, but if you are only in the militia, avoid the vulgarity of using
your title, excepting when you are with your company or on a parade.
Tinted cards may be used, but plain white ones are much more elegant. If
you leave a card at a hotel or boarding house, write the name of the
person for whom it is intended above your own, on the card.
In directing a letter, put first the name of the person for whom it is
intended, then the name of the city, then that of the state in which he
resides. If you send it to the care of another person, or to a boarding
house, or hotel, you can put that name either after the name of your
correspondent, or in the left hand corner of the letter--thus:--
MR. J. S. JONES,
Care of Mr. T. C. Jones,
Boston,
Mass.
or,
MR. J. S. JONES,
Boston,
Mass.
Revere House.
If your friend is in the army or navy, put his title before his station
after his name, thus:--
CAPT. L. LEWIS, U.S.A.,
or,
LIEUTENANT T. ROBERTS, U.S.N.
If you send your letter by a private hand, put the name of the bearer in
the lower left hand corner of the envelope, but put the name only.
"Politeness of,"--or "Kindness of," are obsolete, and not used now at
all. Write the direction thus:--
J. L. HOLMES, ESQ.,
Revere House,
Boston,
Mass.
C. L. Cutts, Esq.
This will let your friend, Mr. Holmes, know that Mr. Cutts is in Boston,
which is the object to be gained by putting the name of the bearer on a
letter, sent by a private hand.
GUARD AGAINST VULGAR LANGUAGE. There is as much connection between the
words and the thoughts as there is between the thoughts and the words;
the latter are not only the expression of the former, but they have a
power to re-act upon the soul and leave the stains of their corruption
there. A young man who allows himself to use one profane or vulgar word,
has not only shown that there is a foul spot on his mind, but by the
utterance of that word he extends that spot and inflames it, till, by
indulgence, it will soon pollute and ruin the whole soul. Be careful of
your words as well as your thoughts. If you can control the tongue, that
no improper words are pronounced by it, you will soon be able to control
the mind and save it from corruption. You extinguish the fire by
smothering it, or by preventing bad thoughts bursting out in language.
Never utter a word anywhere, which you would be ashamed to speak in the
presence of the most religious man. Try this practice a little, and you
will soon have command of yourself.
Do not be known as an egotist. No man is more dreaded in society, or
accounted a greater "bore" than he whose every other word is "I," "me,"
or "my." Show an interest in all that others say of themselves, but
speak but little of your own affairs.
It is quite as bad to be a mere relater of scandal or the affairs of
your neighbors. A female gossip is detestable, but a male gossip is not
only detestable but utterly despicable.
A celebrated English lawyer gives the following directions for young men
entering into business. He says:--
"SELECT THE KIND OF BUSINESS THAT SUITS YOUR NATURAL INCLINATIONS AND
TEMPERAMENT.--Some men are naturally mechanics; others have a strong
aversion to anything like machinery, and so on; one man has a natural
taste for one occupation in life, and another for another.
"I never could succeed as a merchant. I have tried it, unsuccessfully,
several times. I never could be content with a fixed salary, for mine is
a purely speculative disposition, while others are just the reverse; and
therefore all should be careful to select those occupations that suit
them best.
"LET YOUR PLEDGED WORD EVER BE SACRED.--Never promise to do a thing
without performing it with the most rigid promptness. Nothing is more
valuable to a man in business than the name of always doing as he
agrees, and that to the moment. A strict adherence to this rule gives a
man the command of half the spare funds within the range of his
acquaintance, and encircles him with a host of friends, who may be
depended upon in any emergency.
"WHATEVER YOU DO, DO WITH ALL YOUR MIGHT.--Work at it, if necessary,
early and late, in season and out of season, not leaving a stone
unturned, and never deferring for a single hour that which can just as
well be done _now_. The old proverb is full of truth and
meaning--"Whatever is worth doing at all, is worth doing well." Many a
man acquires a fortune by doing his business _thoroughly_, while his
neighbor remains poor for life, because he only _half_ does his
business. Ambition, energy, industry, and perseverance, are
indispensable requisites for success in business.
"SOBRIETY. USE NO DESCRIPTION OF INTOXICATING DRINKS.--As no man can
succeed in business unless he has a _brain_ to enable him to lay his
plans, and _reason_ to guide him in their execution, so, no matter how
bountifully a man may be blessed with intelligence, if his brain is
muddled, and his judgment warped by intoxicating drinks, it is
impossible for him to carry on business successfully. How many good
opportunities have passed never to return, while a man was sipping a
'social glass' with a friend! How many a foolish bargain has been made
under the influence of the wine-cup, which temporarily makes his victim
so _rich_! How many important chances have been put off until to-morrow,
and thence for ever, because indulgence has thrown the system into a
state of lassitude, neutralizing the energies so essential to success in
business. The use of intoxicating drinks as a beverage is as much an
infatuation as is the smoking of opium by the Chinese, and the former is
quite as destructive to the success of the business man as the latter.
"LET HOPE PREDOMINATE, BUT BE NOT TOO VISIONARY.--Many persons are
always kept poor because they are too _visionary_. Every project looks
to them like certain success, and, therefore, they keep changing from
one business to another, always in hot water, and always 'under the
harrow.' The plan of 'counting the chickens before they are hatched,' is
an error of ancient date, but it does not seem to improve by age.
"DO NOT SCATTER YOUR POWERS.--Engage in one kind of business only, and
stick to it faithfully until you succeed, or until you conclude to
abandon it. A constant hammering on one nail will generally drive it
home at last, so that it can be clinched. When a man's undivided
attention is centered on one object, his mind will continually be
suggesting improvements of value, which would escape him if his brain
were occupied by a dozen different subjects at once. Many a fortune has
slipped through men's fingers by engaging in too many occupations at
once.
"ENGAGE PROPER EMPLOYEES.--Never employ a man of bad habits when one
whose habits are good can be found to fill his situation. I have
generally been extremely fortunate in having faithful and competent
persons to fill the responsible situations in my business; and a man can
scarcely be too grateful for such a blessing. When you find a man unfit
to fill his station, either from incapacity or peculiarity of character
or disposition, dispense with his services, and do not drag out a
miserable existence in the vain attempt to change his nature. It is
utterly impossible to do so, 'You cannot make a silk purse,' &c. He has
been created for some other sphere; let him find and fill it."
If you wish to succeed in society, and be known as a man who converses
well, you must cultivate your memory. Do not smile and tell me that this
is a gift, not an acquirement. It is true that some people have
naturally a more retentive memory than others, but those naturally most
deficient may strengthen their powers by cultivation.
Cultivate, therefore, this glorious faculty, by storing and exercising
it with trains of imagery. Accustom yourselves to look at any natural
object, and then consider how many facts and thoughts may be associated
with it--how much of poetic imagery and refined combinations. Follow out
this idea, and you will find that imagination, which is too often in
youth permitted to build up castles in the air, tenantless as they are
unprofitable, will become, if duly exercised, a source of much
enjoyment. I was led into this train of thought while walking in a
beautiful country, and seeing before me a glorious rainbow, over-arching
the valley which lay in front. And not more quickly than its appearance,
came to my remembrance an admirable passage in the "Art of Poetic
Painting," wherein the author suggests the great mental advantage of
exercising the mind on all subjects, by considering--
"What use can be made of them?
What remarks they will illustrate?
What representations they will serve?
What comparison they will furnish?"
And while thus thinking, I remembered that the ingenious author has
instanced the rainbow as affording a variety of illustrations, and
capable, in the imagery which it suggests, of numerous combinations.
Thus:
THE HUES OF THE RAINBOW
Tinted the green and flowery banks of the stream;
Tinged the white blossoms of the apple orchards;
Shed a beauteous radiance on the grass;
Veiled the waning moon and the evening star;
Over-arched the mist of the waterfall;
Reminded the looker-on of peace opposed to turbulence.
And illustrated the moral that even the most beautiful things
of earth must pass away.
Every book you read, every natural object which meets your view, may be
the exercise of memory, be made to furnish food both for reflection and
conversation, enjoyment for your own solitary hours, and the means of
making you popular in society. Believe me, the man who--"saw it, to be
sure, but really forgot what it looked like," who is met every day in
society, will not be sought after as will the man, who, bringing memory
and fancy happily blended to bear upon what he sees, can make every
object worthy of remark familiar and interesting to those who have not
seen it.
If you have leisure moments, and what man has not? do not consider them
as spare atoms of time to be wasted, idled away in profitless lounging.
Always have a book within your reach, which you may catch up at your odd
minutes. Resolve to edge in a little reading every day, if it is but a
single sentence. If you can give fifteen minutes a day, it will be felt
at the end of the year. Thoughts take up no room. When they are right
they afford a portable pleasure, which one may travel or labor with
without any trouble or incumbrance.
In your intercourse with other men, let every word that falls from your
lips, bear the stamp of perfect truth. No reputation can be more
enviable than that of being known as a man who no consideration could
force to soil his soul with a lie.
"Truth is naturally so acceptable to man, so charming in herself, that
to make falsehood be received, we are compelled to dress it up in the
snow-white robes of Truth; as in passing base coin, it must have the
impress of the good ere it will pass current. Deception, hypocrisy, and
dissimulation, are, when practised, direct compliments to the power of
Truth; and the common custom of passing off Truth's counterfeit for
herself, is strong testimony in behalf of her intrinsic beauty and
excellence."
Next to being a man of talent, a well-read man is the most agreeable in
society, and no investment of money or time is so profitable as that
spent in good, useful books, and reading. A good book is a lasting
companion. Truths, which it has taken years to glean, are therein at
once freely but carefully communicated. We enjoy communion with the
mind, though not with the person of the writer. Thus the humblest man
may surround himself by the wisest and best spirits of past and present
ages. No one can be solitary who possesses a book; he owns a friend that
will instruct him in moments of leisure or of necessity. It is only
necessary to turn open the leaves, and the fountain at once gives forth
its streams. You may seek costly furniture for your homes, fanciful
ornaments for your mantel-pieces, and rich carpets for your floors; but,
after the absolute necessaries for a home, give me books as at once the
cheapest, and certainly the most useful and abiding embellishments.
A true gentleman will not only refrain from ridiculing the follies,
ignorance, or infirmities of others, but he will not even allow himself
to smile at them. He will treat the rudest clown with the same easy
courtesy which he would extend to the most polished gentleman, and will
never by word, look, or gesture show that he notices the faults, or
vulgarity of another. _Personal deformity_ is a cross sent by God, and
none but a depraved, wicked, and brutal man could ridicule, or even
greet with a passing smile the unfortunate thus stamped. Even a word or
look of pity will wound the sensitive, but frank, gentle courtesy, the
regard paid by a feeling man to the comfort of a cripple, or that easy
grace which, while it shows no sign of seeing the deformity, shows more
deference to the afflicted one than to the more fortunate, are all duly
appreciated and acknowledged, and win for the man who extends them the
respect and love of all with whom he comes in contact.
Remember that true wit never descends to personalities. When you hear a
man trying to be "funny" at the expense of his friends, or even his
enemies, you may feel sure that his _humor_ is forced, and while it
sinks to ill-nature, cannot rise to the level of true _wit_.
Never try to make yourself out to be a very important person. If you are
so really, your friends will soon find it out, if not, they will not
give you credit for being so, because you try to force your fancied
importance upon them. A pompous fool, though often seen, is not much
loved nor respected, and you may remember that the frog who tried to
make himself as big as an ox, died in the attempt.
A severe wit once said, "If you do not wish to be the mark for
slanderous tongues, be the first to enter a room, and the last to leave
it."
If you are ever tempted to speak against a woman, think first--"Suppose
she were my sister!" You can never gain anything by bringing your voice
against a woman, even though she may deserve contempt, and your
forbearance may shame others into a similar silence. It is a cowardly
tongue that will take a woman's name upon it to injure her; though many
men do this, who would fear,--_absolutely be afraid_, to speak against a
man, or that same woman, had she a manly arm to protect her.
I again quote from the celebrated Lord Chesterfield, who says:
"It is good-breeding alone that can prepossess people in your favour at
first sight, more time being necessary to discover greater talents. This
good-breeding, you know, does not consist in low bows and formal
ceremony; but in an easy, civil, and respectful behaviour. You will take
care, therefore, to answer with complaisance, when you are spoken to; to
place yourself at the lower end of the table, unless bid to go higher;
to drink first to the lady of the house, and next to the master; not to
eat awkwardly or dirtily; not to sit when others stand; and to do all
this with an air of complaisance, and not with a grave, sour look, as if
you did it all unwillingly. I do not mean a silly, insipid smile, that
fools have when they would be civil; but an air of sensible good-humor.
I hardly know anything so difficult to attain, or so necessary to
possess, as perfect good-breeding; which is equally inconsistent with a
still formality, and impertinent forwardness, and an awkward
bashfulness. A little ceremony is often necessary; a certain degree of
firmness is absolutely so; and an outward modesty is extremely becoming;
the knowledge of the world, and your own observations, must, and alone
can tell you the proper quantities of each.
"I mentioned the general rules of common civility, which, whoever does
not observe, will pass for a bear, and be as unwelcome as one, in
company; there is hardly any body brutal enough not to answer when they
are spoken to. But it is not enough not to be rude; you should be
extremely civil, and distinguished for your good breeding. The first
principle of this good breeding is never to say anything that you think
can be disagreeable to any body in company; but, on the contrary, you
should endeavor to say what will be agreeable to them; and that in an
easy and natural manner, without seeming to study for compliments. There
is likewise such a thing as a civil look, and a rude look; and you
should look civil, as well as be so; for if, while you are saying a
civil thing, you look gruff and surly, as English bumpkins do, nobody
will be obliged to you for a civility that seemed to come so
unwillingly. If you have occasion to contradict any body, or to set them
right from a mistake, it would be very brutal to say, '_That is not so,
I know better_, or _You are out_; but you should say with a civil look,
_I beg your pardon, I believe you mistake_, or, _If I may take the
liberty of contradicting you, I believe it is so and so_; for, though
you may know a thing better than other people, yet it is very shocking
to tell them so directly, without something to soften it; but remember
particularly, that whatever you say or do, with ever so civil an
intention, a great deal consists in the manner and the look, which must
be genteel, easy, and natural, and is easier to be felt than described.
"Civility is particularly due to all women; and remember, that no
provocation whatsoever can justify any man in not being civil to every
woman; and the greatest man would justly be reckoned a brute, if he were
not civil to the meanest woman. It is due to their sex, and is the only
protection they have against the superior strength of ours; nay, even a
little flattery is allowable with women; and a man may, without
meanness, tell a woman that she is either handsomer or wiser than she
is. Observe the French people, and mind how easily and naturally civil
their address is, and how agreeably they insinuate little civilities in
their conversation. They think it so essential, that they call an honest
man and a civil man by the same name, of _honnête homme_; and the Romans
called civility _humanitas_, as thinking it inseparable from humanity.
You cannot begin too early to take that turn, in order to make it
natural and habitual to you."
Again, speaking of the inconveniency of bashfulness, he says:--
"As for the _mauvaise honte_, I hope you are above it. Your figure is
like other people's; I suppose you will care that your dress shall be so
too, and to avoid any singularity. What then should you be ashamed of?
and why not go into a mixed company, with as much ease and as little
concern, as you would go into your own room? Vice and ignorance are the
only things I know, which one ought to be ashamed of; keep but clear of
them, and you may go anywhere without fear or concern. I have known some
people, who, from feeling the pain and inconveniences of this _mauvaise
honte_, have rushed into the other extreme, and turned impudent, as
cowards sometimes grow desperate from the excess of danger; but this too
is carefully to be avoided, there being nothing more generally shocking
than impudence. The medium between these two extremes marks out the
well-bred man; he feels himself firm and easy in all companies; is
modest without being bashful, and steady without being impudent; if he
is a stranger, he observes, with care, the manners and ways of the
people most esteemed at that place, and conforms to them with
complaisance."
Flattery is always in bad taste. If you say more in a person's praise
than is deserved, you not only say what is _false_, but you make others
doubt the wisdom of your judgment. Open, palpable flattery will be
regarded by those to whom it is addressed as an insult. In your
intercourse with ladies, you will find that the delicate compliment of
seeking their society, showing your pleasure in it, and choosing for
subjects of conversation, other themes than the weather, dress, or the
opera, will be more appreciated by women of sense, than the more awkward
compliment of open words or gestures of admiration.
Never imitate the eccentricities of other men, even though those men
have the highest genius to excuse their oddities. Eccentricity is, at
the best, in bad taste; but an imitation of it--second hand oddity--is
detestable.
Never feign abstraction in society. If you have matters of importance
which really occupy your mind, and prevent you from paying attention to
the proper etiquette of society, stay at home till your mind is less
preoccupied. Chesterfield says:--
"What is commonly called an absent man, is commonly either a very weak,
or a very affected man; but be he which he will, he is, I am sure, a
very disagreeable man in company. He fails in all the common offices of
civility; he seems not to know those people to-day, whom yesterday he
appeared to live in intimacy with. He takes no part in the general
conversation; but, on the contrary, breaks into it from time to time,
with some start of his own, as if he waked from a dream. This (as I said
before) is a sure indication, either of a mind so weak that it is not
able to bear above one object at a time; or so affected, that it would
be supposed to be wholly engrossed by, and directed to, some very great
and important objects. Sir Isaac Newton, Mr. Locke, and (it may be) five
or six more, since the creation of the world, may have had a right to
absence, from that intense thought which the things they were
investigating required. But if a young man, and a man of the world, who
has no such avocations to plead, will claim and exercise that right of
absence in company, his pretended right should, in my mind, be turned
into an involuntary absence, by his perpetual exclusion out of company.
However frivolous a company may be, still, while you are among them, do
not show them, by your inattention, that you think them so; but rather
take their tone, and conform, in some degree, to their weakness, instead
of manifesting your contempt for them. There is nothing that people
bear more impatiently, or forgive less, than contempt; and an injury is
much sooner forgotten than an insult. If, therefore, you would rather
please than offend, rather be well than ill-spoken of, rather be loved
than hated; remember to have that constant attention about you, which
flatters every man's little vanity; and the want of which, by mortifying
his pride, never fails to excite his resentment, or, at least, his ill
will. For instance: most people (I might say all people) have their
weaknesses; they have their aversions and their likings to such or such
things; so that, if you were to laugh at a man for his aversion to a
cat, or cheese, (which are common antipathies,) or, by inattention and
negligence, to let them come in his way, where you could prevent it, he
would, in the first case, think himself insulted, and, in the second,
slighted, and would remember both. Whereas your care to procure for him
what he likes, and to remove from him what he hates, shows him that he
is, at least, an object of your attention; flatters his vanity, and
makes him, possibly, more your friend than a more important service
would have done. With regard to women, attentions still below these are
necessary, and, by the custom of the world, in some measure due,
according to the laws of good breeding."
In giving an entertainment to your friends, while you avoid extravagant
expenditure, it is your duty to place before them the best your purse
will permit you to purchase, and be sure you have plenty. Abundance
without superfluity, and good quality without extravagance, are your
best rules for an entertainment.
If, by the introduction of a friend, by a mistake, or in any other way,
your enemy, or a man to whom you have the strongest personal dislike, is
under your roof, or at your table, as a guest, hospitality and good
breeding both require you to treat him with the same frank courtesy
which you extend to your other guests; though you need make no violent
protestations of friendship, and are not required to make any advances
towards him after he ceases to be your guest.
In giving a dinner party, invite only as many guests as you can seat
comfortably at your table. If you have two tables, have them precisely
alike, or, rest assured, you will offend those friends whom you place at
what they judge to be the inferior table. Above all, avoid having little
tables placed in the corners of the room, when there is a large table.
At some houses in Paris it is a fashion to set the dining room entirely
with small tables, which will accommodate comfortably three or four
people, and such parties are very merry, very sociable and pleasant, if
four congenial people are around each table; but it is a very dull
fashion, if you are not sure of the congeniality of each quartette of
guests.
If you lose your fortune or position in society, it is wiser to retire
from the world of fashion than to wait for that world to bow you out.
If you are poor, but welcome in society on account of your family or
talents, avoid the error which the young are most apt to fall into, that
of living beyond your means.
The advice of Polonius to Laertes is as excellent in the present day, as
it was in Shakespeare's time:--
"Give thy thoughts no tongue,
Nor any unproportioned thought his act.
Be thou familiar, but by no means vulgar.
The friends thou hast, and their adoption tried,
Grapple them to thy soul with hooks of steel:
But do not dull thy palm with entertainments
Of each new hatch'd, unfledg'd comrade. Beware
Of entrance to a quarrel: but, being in,
Bear it that the opposer may beware of thee.
Give every man thine ear, but few thy voice;
Take each man's censure, but reserve thy judgment.
Costly thy habit as thy purse can buy,
But not express'd in fancy; rich, not gaudy;
For the apparel oft proclaims the man.
* * * * *
Neither a borrower nor a lender be:
For loan oft loses both itself and friend;
And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry.
This above all,--To thine ownself be true;
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man."
It is by no means desirable to be always engaged in the serious pursuits
of life. Take time for pleasure, and you will find your work progresses
faster for some recreation. Lord Chesterfield says:
"I do not regret the time that I passed in pleasures; they were
seasonable; they were the pleasures of youth, and I enjoyed them while
young. If I had not, I should probably have overvalued them now, as we
are very apt to do what we do not know; but knowing them as I do, I know
their real value, and how much they are generally overrated. Nor do I
regret the time that I have passed in business, for the same reason;
those who see only the outside of it, imagine it has hidden charms,
which they pant after; and nothing but acquaintance can undeceive them.
I, who have been behind the scenes, both of pleasure and business, and
have seen all the springs and pullies of those decorations which
astonish and dazzle the audience, retire, not only without regret, but
with contentment and satisfaction. But what I do, and ever shall regret,
is the time which, while young, I lost in mere idleness, and in doing
nothing. This is the common effect of the inconsideracy of youth,
against which I beg you will be most carefully upon your guard. The
value of moments, when cast up, is immense, if well employed; if thrown
away, their loss is irrecoverable. Every moment may be put to some use,
and that with much more pleasure than if unemployed. Do not imagine that
by the employment of time, I mean an uninterrupted application to
serious studies. No; pleasures are, at proper times, both as necessary
and as useful; they fashion and form you for the world; they teach you
characters, and show you the human heart in its unguarded minutes. But
then remember to make that use of them. I have known many people, from
laziness of mind, go through both pleasure and business with equal
inattention; neither enjoying the one nor doing the other; thinking
themselves men of pleasure, because they were mingled with those who
were, and men of business, because they had business to do, though they
did not do it. Whatever you do, do it to the purpose; do it thoroughly,
not superficially. _Approfondissez_: go to the bottom of things.
Anything half done or half known, is, in my mind, neither done nor
known at all. Nay worse, it often misleads. There is hardly any place or
any company where you may not gain knowledge, if you please; almost
every body knows some one thing, and is glad to talk upon that one
thing. Seek and you will find, in this world as well as in the next. See
everything; inquire into everything; and you may excuse your curiosity,
and the questions you ask, which otherwise might be thought impertinent,
by your manner of asking them; for most things depend a great deal upon
the manner. As, for example, I _am afraid that I am very troublesome
with my questions; but nobody can inform me so well as you_; or
something of that kind."
The same author, speaking of the evils of pedantry, says:--
"Every excellency, and every virtue has its kindred vice or weakness;
and, if carried beyond certain bounds, sinks into one or the other.
Generosity often runs into profusion, economy into avarice, courage into
rashness, caution into timidity, and so on:--insomuch that, I believe,
there is more judgment required for the proper conduct of our virtues,
than for avoiding their opposite vices. Vice, in its true light, is so
deformed, that it shocks us at first sight, and would hardly ever seduce
us, if it did not at first wear the mask of some virtue. But virtue is,
in itself, so beautiful, that it charms us at first sight; engages us
more and more upon further acquaintance; and, as with other beauties, we
think excess impossible, it is here that judgment is necessary, to
moderate and direct the effects of an excellent cause. I shall apply
this reasoning, at present, not to any particular virtue, but to an
excellency, which, for want of judgment, is often the cause of
ridiculous and blameable effects; I mean great learning; which, if not
accompanied with sound judgment, frequently carries us into error,
pride, and pedantry. As, I hope, you will possess that excellency in its
utmost extent, and yet without its too common failings, the hints, which
my experience can suggest, may probably not be useless to you.
"Some learned men, proud of their knowledge, only speak to decide, and
give judgment without appeal; the consequence of which is, that mankind,
provoked by the insult, and injured by the oppression, revolt; and, in
order to shake off the tyranny, even call the lawful authority in
question. The more you know, the modester you should be; and (by the
bye) that modesty is the surest way of gratifying your vanity. Even
where you are sure, seem rather doubtful; represent, but do not
pronounce; and, if you would convince others, seem open to conviction
yourself.
"Others, to show their learning, or often from the prejudices of a
school education, where they hear of nothing else, are always talking of
the ancients, as something more than men, and of the moderns, as
something less. They are never without a classic or two in their
pockets; they stick to the old good sense; they read none of the modern
trash; and will show you plainly that no improvement has been made in
any one art or science these last seventeen hundred years. I would, by
no means, have you disown your acquaintance with the ancients; but still
less would I have you brag of an exclusive intimacy with them. Speak of
the moderns without contempt, and of the ancients without idolatry;
judge them all by their merits, but not by their ages; and if you happen
to have an Elzevir classic in your pocket, neither show it nor mention
it.
"Some great scholars, most absurdly, draw all their maxims, both for
public and private life, from what they call parallel cases in the
ancient authors; without considering that, in the first place, there
never were, since the creation of the world, two cases exactly parallel;
and, in the next place, that there never was a case stated, or even
known, by any historian, with every one of its circumstances; which,
however, ought to be known in order to be reasoned from. Reason upon the
case itself, and the several circumstances that attend it, and act
accordingly; but not from the authority of ancient poets or historians.
Take into your consideration, if you please, cases seemingly analogous;
but take them as helps only, not as guides.
"There is another species of learned men who, though less dogmatical and
supercilious, are not less impertinent. These are the communicative and
shining pedants, who adorn their conversation, even with women, by happy
quotations of Greek and Latin; and who have contracted such a
familiarity with the Greek and Roman authors, that they call them by
certain names or epithets denoting intimacy. As, _old_ Homer; that _sly
rogue_ Horace; _Maro_, instead of Virgil; and _Naso_, instead of Ovid.
These are often imitated by coxcombs who have no learning at all, but
who have got some names and some scraps of ancient authors by heart,
which they improperly and impertinently retail in all companies, in
hopes of passing for scholars. If, therefore, you would avoid the
accusation of pedantry on one hand, or the suspicion of ignorance on the
other, abstain from learned ostentation. Speak the language of the
company that you are in; speak it purely, and unlarded with any other.
Never seem wiser nor more learned than the people you are with. Wear
your learning, like your watch, in a private pocket; and do not pull it
out and strike it, merely to show that you have one. If you are asked
what o'clock it is, tell it, but do not proclaim it hourly and unasked,
like the watchman.
"Upon the whole, remember that learning (I mean Greek and Roman
learning) is a most useful and necessary ornament, which it is shameful
not to be master of; but, at the same time, most carefully avoid those
errors and abuses which I have mentioned, and which too often attend it.
Remember, too, that great modern knowledge is still more necessary than
ancient; and that you had better know perfectly the present, than the
old state of the world; though I would have you well acquainted with
both."
If you are poor, you must deprive yourself often of the pleasure of
escorting ladies to ride, the opera, or other entertainments, because it
is understood in society that, in these cases, a gentleman pays all the
expenses for both, and in any emergency you may find your bill for
carriage hire, suppers, bouquets, or other unforeseen demands, greater
than you anticipated.
Shun the card table. Even the friendly games common in society, for
small stakes, are best avoided. They feed the love of gambling, and you
will find that this love, if once acquired, is the hardest curse to get
rid of.
It is in bad taste, though often done, to turn over the cards on a
table, when you are calling. If your host or hostess finds you so doing,
it may lead them to suppose you value them more for their acquaintances
than themselves.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Transcriber's Note:
Inconsistencies in accents (e.g. tete a tete vs. tête à tête) and
hyphenation (e.g. ball room vs. ball-room) have not been corrected.
Variant spellings have also been retained.
Minor typographical errors (e.g. missing punctuation, incorrect or
duplicate letters) have been corrected without note.
The following changes were also made to the text:
p. 130: missing 'at' added (too lazy to part it at all)
p. 255: two asterisks changed to ellipsis (before he begins any
other....)
p. 266: italics added to 'I' and removed from 'or' ( _I have the honor
to acquaint you_; _Permit me to assure you_; or,)
p. 292: italics removed from 'of' (_largesse_ of)
p. 332: off to of (get rid of)