ONE HUNDRED HINTS FOR GENTLEMANLY DEPORTMENT.
1. Always avoid any rude or boisterous action, especially when in the
presence of ladies. It is not necessary to be stiff, indolent, or
sullenly silent, neither is perfect gravity always required, but if you
jest let it be with quiet, gentlemanly wit, never depending upon
clownish gestures for the effect of a story. Nothing marks the gentleman
so soon and so decidedly as quiet, refined ease of manner.
2. Never allow a lady to get a chair for herself, ring a bell, pick up a
handkerchief or glove she may have dropped, or, in short, perform any
service for herself which you can perform for her, when you are in the
room. By extending such courtesies to your mother, sisters, or other
members of your family, they become habitual, and are thus more
gracefully performed when abroad.
3. Never perform any little service for another with a formal bow or
manner as if conferring a favor, but with a quiet gentlemanly ease as if
it were, not a ceremonious, unaccustomed performance, but a matter of
course, for you to be courteous.
4. It is not necessary to tell _all_ that you know; that were mere
folly; but what a man says must be what he believes himself, else he
violates the first rule for a gentleman's speech--Truth.
5. Avoid gambling as you would poison. Every bet made, even in the most
finished circles of society, is a species of gambling, and this ruinous
crime comes on by slow degrees. Whilst a man is minding his business, he
is playing the best game, and he is sure to win. You will be tempted to
the vice by those whom the world calls gentlemen, but you will find that
loss makes you angry, and an angry man is never a courteous one; gain
excites you to continue the pursuit of the vice; and, in the end you
will lose money, good name, health, good conscience, light heart, and
honesty; while you gain evil associates, irregular hours and habits, a
suspicious, fretful temper, and a remorseful, tormenting conscience.
Some one _must_ lose in the game; and, if you win it, it is at the risk
of driving a fellow creature to despair.
6. Cultivate tact! In society it will be an invaluable aid. Talent is
something, but tact is everything. Talent is serious, sober, grave, and
respectable; tact is all that and more too. It is not a sixth sense, but
it is the life of all the five. It is the _open_ eye, the _quick_ ear,
the _judging_ taste, the _keen_ smell, and the _lively_ touch; it is the
interpreter of all riddles--the surmounter of all difficulties--the
remover of all obstacles. It is useful in all places, and at all times;
it is useful in solitude, for it shows a man his way _into_ the world;
it is useful in society, for it shows him his way _through_ the world.
Talent is power--tact is skill; talent is weight--tact is momentum;
talent knows what to do--tact knows how to do it; talent makes a man
respectable--tact will make him respected; talent is wealth--tact is
ready money. For all the practical purposes of society tact carries
against talent ten to one.
7. Nature has left every man a capacity of being agreeable, though all
cannot _shine_ in company; but there are many men sufficiently qualified
for both, who, by a very few faults, that a little attention would soon
correct, are not so much as tolerable. Watch, avoid such faults.
8. Habits of self-possession and self-control acquired early in life,
are the best foundation for the formation of gentlemanly manners. If you
unite with this the constant intercourse with ladies and gentlemen of
refinement and education, you will add to the dignity of perfect self
command, the polished ease of polite society.
9. Avoid a conceited manner. It is exceedingly ill-bred to assume a
manner as if you were superior to those around you, and it is, too, a
proof, not of superiority but of vulgarity. And to avoid this manner,
avoid the foundation of it, and cultivate humility. The praises of
others should be of use to you, in teaching, not what you are, perhaps,
but in pointing out what you ought to be.
10. Avoid pride, too; it often miscalculates, and more often
misconceives. The proud man places himself at a distance from other men;
seen through that distance, others, perhaps, appear little to him; but
he forgets that this very distance causes him also to appear little to
others.
11. A gentleman's title suggests to him humility and affability; to be
easy of access, to pass by neglects and offences, especially from
inferiors; neither to despise any for their bad fortune or misery, nor
to be afraid to own those who are unjustly oppressed; not to domineer
over inferiors, nor to be either disrespectful or cringing to superiors;
not standing upon his family name, or wealth, but making these secondary
to his attainments in civility, industry, gentleness, and discretion.
12. Chesterfield says, "All ceremonies are, in themselves, very silly
things; but yet a man of the world should know them. They are the
outworks of manners, which would be too often broken in upon if it were
not for that defence which keeps the enemy at a proper distance. It is
for that reason I always treat fools and coxcombs with great ceremony,
true good breeding not being a sufficient barrier against them."
13. When you meet a lady at the foot of a flight of stairs, do not wait
for her to ascend, but bow, and go up before her.
14. In meeting a lady at the head of a flight of stairs, wait for her to
precede you in the descent.
15. Avoid slang. It does not beautify, but it sullies conversation.
"Just listen, for a moment, to our fast young man, or the ape of a fast
young man, who thinks that to be a man he must speak in the dark
phraseology of slang. If he does anything on his own responsibility, he
does it on his own 'hook.' If he sees anything remarkably good, he calls
it a 'stunner,' the superlative of which is a 'regular stunner.' If a
man is requested to pay a tavern bill, he is asked if he will 'stand
Sam.' If he meets a savage-looking dog, he calls him an 'ugly customer.'
If he meets an eccentric man, he calls him a 'rummy old cove.' A
sensible man is a 'chap that is up to snuff.' Our young friend never
scolds, but 'blows up;' never pays, but 'stumps up;' never finds it too
difficult to pay, but is 'hard up.' He has no hat, but shelters his head
beneath a 'tile.' He wears no neckcloth, but surrounds his throat with a
'choker.' He lives nowhere, but there is some place where he 'hangs
out.' He never goes away or withdraws, but he 'bolts'--he 'slopes'--he
'mizzles'--he 'makes himself scarce'--he 'walks his chalks'--he 'makes
tracks'--he 'cuts stick'--or, what is the same thing, he 'cuts his
lucky!' The highest compliment that you can pay him is to tell him that
he is a 'regular brick.' He does not profess to be brave, but he prides
himself on being 'plucky.' Money is a word which he has forgotten, but
he talks a good deal about 'tin,' and the 'needful,' 'the rhino,' and
'the ready.' When a man speaks, he 'spouts;' when he holds his peace, he
'shuts up;' when he is humiliated, he is 'taken down a peg or two,' and
made to 'sing small.' Now, besides the vulgarity of such expressions,
there is much in slang that is objectionable in a moral point of view.
For example, the word 'governor,' as applied to a father, is to be
reprehended. Does it not betray, on the part of young men, great
ignorance of the paternal and filial relationship, or great contempt for
them? Their father is to such young men merely a governor,--merely a
representative of authority. Innocently enough the expression is used by
thousands of young men who venerate and love their parents; but only
think of it, and I am sure that you will admit that it is a cold,
heartless word when thus applied, and one that ought forthwith to be
abandoned."
16. There are few traits of social life more repulsive than tyranny. I
refer not to the wrongs, real or imaginary, that engage our attention in
ancient and modern history; my tyrants are not those who have waded
through blood to thrones, and grievously oppress their brother men. I
speak of the _petty_ tyrants of the fireside and the social circle, who
trample like very despots on the opinions of their fellows. You meet
people of this class everywhere; they stalk by your side in the streets;
they seat themselves in the pleasant circle on the hearth, casting a
gloom on gayety; and they start up dark and scowling in the midst of
scenes of innocent mirth, to chill and frown down every participator.
They "pooh! pooh!" at every opinion advanced; they make the lives of
their mothers, sisters, wives, children, unbearable. Beware then of
tyranny. A gentleman is ever humble, and the tyrant is never courteous.
17. Cultivate the virtues of the soul, strong principle, incorruptible
integrity, usefulness, refined intellect, and fidelity in seeking for
truth. A man in proportion as he has these virtues will be honored and
welcomed everywhere.
18. Gentility is neither in birth, wealth, or fashion, but in the mind.
A high sense of honor, a determination never to take a mean advantage of
another, adherence to truth, delicacy and politeness towards those with
whom we hold intercourse, are the essential characteristics of a
gentleman.
19. Little attentions to your mother, your wife, and your sister, will
beget much love. The man who is a rude husband, son, and brother, cannot
be a gentleman; he may ape the manners of one, but, wanting the
refinement of heart that would make him courteous at home, his
politeness is but a thin cloak to cover a rude, unpolished mind.
20. At table, always eat slowly, but do not delay those around you by
toying with your food, or neglecting the business before you to chat,
till all the others are ready to leave the table, but must wait until
you repair your negligence, by hastily swallowing your food.
21. Are you a husband? Custom entitles you to be the "lord and master"
over your household. But don't assume the _master_ and sink the _lord_.
Remember that noble generosity, forbearance, amiability, and integrity
are the _lordly_ attributes of man. As a husband, therefore, exhibit the
true nobility of man, and seek to govern your household by the display
of high moral excellence.
A domineering spirit--a fault-finding petulance--impatience of trifling
delays--and the exhibition of unworthy passion at the slightest
provocation can add no laurel to your own "lordly" brow, impart no
sweetness to home, and call forth no respect from those by whom you may
be surrounded. It is one thing to be a _master_, another to be a _man_.
The latter should be the husband's aspiration; for he who cannot govern
himself, is ill-qualified to rule others. You can hardly imagine how
refreshing it is to occasionally call up the recollection of your
courting days. How tediously the hours rolled away prior to the
appointed time of meeting; how swift they seemed to fly, when met; how
fond was the first greeting; how tender the last embrace; how fervent
were your vows; how vivid your dreams of future happiness, when,
returning to your home, you felt yourself secure in the confessed love
of the object of your warm affections! Is your dream realized?--are you
so happy as you expected?--why not? Consider whether as a husband you
are as fervent and constant as you were when a lover. Remember that the
wife's claims to your unremitting regard--great before marriage, are now
exalted to a much higher degree. She has left the world for you--the
home of her childhood, the fireside of her parents, their watchful care
and sweet intercourse have all been yielded up for you. Look then most
jealously upon all that may tend to attract you from home, and to weaken
that union upon which your temporal happiness mainly depends; and
believe that in the solemn relationship of HUSBAND is to be found one of
the best guarantees for man's honor and happiness.
22. Perhaps the true definition of a gentleman is this: "Whoever is
open, loyal, and true; whoever is of humane and affable demeanor;
whoever is honorable in himself, and in his judgment of others, and
requires no law but his word to make him fulfil an engagement; such a
man is a gentleman, be he in the highest or lowest rank of life, a man
of elegant refinement and intellect, or the most unpolished tiller of
the ground."
23. In the street, etiquette does not require a gentleman to take off
his glove to shake hands with a lady, unless her hand is uncovered. In
the house, however, the rule is imperative, he must not offer a lady a
gloved hand. In the street, if his hand be very warm or very cold, or
the glove cannot be readily removed, it is much better to offer the
covered hand than to offend the lady's touch, or delay the salutation
during an awkward fumble to remove the glove.
24. Sterne says, "True courtship consists in a number of quiet,
gentlemanly attentions, not so pointed as to alarm, not so vague as to
be misunderstood." A clown will terrify by his boldness, a proud man
chill by his reserve, but a gentleman will win by the happy mixture of
the two.
25. Use no profane language, utter no word that will cause the most
virtuous to blush. Profanity is a mark of low breeding; and the tendency
of using indecent and profane language is degrading to your minds. Its
injurious effects may not be felt at the moment, but they will continue
to manifest themselves to you through life. They may never be
obliterated; and, if you allow the fault to become habitual, you will
often find at your tongue's end some expressions which you would not use
for any money. By being careful on this point you may save yourself much
mortification and sorrow.
"Good men have been taken sick and become delirious. In these moments
they have used the most vile and indecent language. When informed of it,
after a restoration to health, they had no idea of the pain they had
given to their friends, and stated that they had learned and repeated
the expressions in childhood, and though years had passed since they had
spoken a bad word, the early impressions had been indelibly stamped upon
the mind."
Think of this, ye who are tempted to use improper language, and never
let a vile word disgrace you. An oath never falls from the tongue of the
man who commands respect.
Honesty, frankness, generosity, and virtue are noble traits. Let these
be yours, and do not fear. You will then claim the esteem and love of
all.
26. Courteous and friendly conduct may, probably will, sometimes meet
with an unworthy and ungrateful return; but the absence of gratitude and
similar courtesy on the part of the receiver cannot destroy the
self-approbation which recompenses the giver. We may scatter the seeds
of courtesy and kindness around us at little expense. Some of them will
inevitably fall on good ground, and grow up into benevolence in the
minds of others, and all of them will bear the fruit of happiness in the
bosom whence they spring. A kindly action always fixes itself on the
heart of the truly thoughtful and polite man.
27. Learn to restrain anger. A man in a passion ceases to be a
gentleman, and if you do not control your passions, rely upon it, they
will one day control you. The intoxication of anger, like that of the
grape, shows us to others, but hides us from ourselves, and we injure
our own cause in the opinion of the world when we _too_ passionately and
eagerly defend it. Neither will all men be disposed to view our quarrels
in the same light that we do; and a man's blindness to his own defects
will ever increase in proportion as he is angry with others, or pleased
with himself. An old English writer says:--
"As a preventative of anger, banish all tale-bearers and slanderers from
your conversation, for it is these blow the devil's bellows to rouse up
the flames of rage and fury, by first abusing your ears, and then your
credulity, and after that steal away your patience, and all this,
perhaps, for a lie. To prevent anger, be not too inquisitive into the
affairs of others, or what people say of yourself, or into the mistakes
of your friends, for this is going out to gather sticks to kindle a fire
to burn your own house."
28. Keep good company or none. You will lose your own self-respect, and
habits of courtesy sooner and more effectually by intercourse with low
company, than in any other manner; while, in good company, these virtues
will be cultivated and become habitual.
29. Keep your engagements. Nothing is ruder than to make an engagement,
be it of business or pleasure, and break it. If your memory is not
sufficiently retentive to keep all the engagements you make stored
within it, carry a little memorandum book and enter them there.
Especially, keep any appointment made with a lady, for, depend upon it,
the fair sex forgive any other fault in good breeding, sooner than a
broken engagement.
30. Avoid personality; nothing is more ungentlemanly. The tone of good
company is marked by its entire absence. Among well-informed persons
there are plenty of topics to discuss, without giving pain to any one
present.
31. Make it a rule to be always punctual in keeping an appointment, and,
when it is convenient, be a little beforehand. Such a habit ensures that
composure and ease which is the very essence of gentlemanly deportment;
want of it keeps you always in a fever and bustle and no man who is
hurried and feverish appears so well as he whose punctuality keeps him
cool and composed.
32. It is right to cultivate a laudable ambition, but do not exaggerate
your capacity. The world will not give you credit for half what you
esteem yourself. Some men think it so much gained to pass for more than
they are worth; but in most cases the deception will be discovered,
sooner or later, and the rebound will be greater than the gain. We may,
therefore, set it down as a truth, that it is a damage to a man to have
credit for greater powers than he possesses.
33. Be ready to apologize when you have committed a fault which gives
offence. Better, far better, to retain a friend by a frank, courteous
apology for offence given, than to make an enemy by obstinately denying
or persisting in the fault.
34. An apology made to yourself must be accepted. No matter how great
the offence, a gentleman cannot keep his anger after an apology has been
made, and thus, amongst truly well-bred men, an apology is always
accepted.
35. Unless you have something of real importance to ask or communicate,
do not stop a gentleman in the street during business hours. You may
detain him from important engagements, and, though he may be too
well-bred to show annoyance, he will not thank you for such detention.
36. If, when on your way to fulfil an engagement, a friend stops you in
the street, you may, without committing any breach of etiquette, tell
him of your appointment, and release yourself from a long talk, but do
so in a courteous manner, expressing regret for the necessity.
37. If, when meeting two gentlemen, you are obliged to detain one of
them, apologize to the other for so doing, whether he is an acquaintance
or a stranger, and do not keep him waiting a moment longer than is
necessary.
38. Have you a sister? Then love and cherish her with all that pure and
holy friendship which renders a brother so worthy and noble. Learn to
appreciate her sweet influence as portrayed in the following words:
"He who has never known a sister's kind administration, nor felt his
heart warming beneath her endearing smile and love-beaming eye, has been
unfortunate indeed. It is not to be wondered at if the fountains of pure
feeling flow in his bosom but sluggishly, or if the gentle emotions of
his nature be lost in the sterner attributes of mankind.
"'That man has grown up among affectionate sisters,' I once heard a lady
of much observation and experience remark.
"'And why do you think so?' said I.
"'Because of the rich development of all the tender feelings of the
heart.'
"A sister's influence is felt even in manhood's riper years; and the
heart of him who has grown cold in chilly contact with the world will
warm and thrill with pure enjoyment as some accident awakens within him
the soft tones, the glad melodies of his sister's voice; and he will
turn from purposes which a warped and false philosophy had reasoned into
expediency, and even weep for the gentle influences which moved him in
his earlier years."
The man who would treat a sister with harshness, rudeness, or
disrespect, is unworthy of the name of gentleman, for he thus proves
that the courtesies he extends to other ladies, are not the promptings
of the heart, but the mere external signs of etiquette; the husk without
the sweet fruit within.
39. When walking with a friend in the street, never leave him to speak
to another friend without apologizing for so doing.
40. If walking with a lady, never leave her alone in the street, under
any circumstances. It is a gross violation of etiquette to do so.
41. The most truly gentlemanly man is he who is the most unselfish, so I
would say in the words of the Rev. J. A. James:
"Live for some purpose in the world. Act your part well. Fill up the
measure of duty to others. Conduct yourselves so that you shall be
missed with sorrow when you are gone. Multitudes of our species are
living in such a selfish manner that they are not likely to be
remembered after their disappearance. They leave behind them scarcely
any traces of their existence, but are forgotten almost as though they
had never been. They are while they live, like one pebble lying
unobserved amongst a million on the shore; and when they die, they are
like that same pebble thrown into the sea, which just ruffles the
surface, sinks, and is forgotten, without being missed from the beach.
They are neither regretted by the rich, wanted by the poor, nor
celebrated by the learned. Who has been the better for their life? Who
has been the worse for their death? Whose tears have they dried up?
whose wants supplied? whose miseries have they healed? Who would unbar
the gate of life, to re-admit them to existence? or what face would
greet them back again to our world with a smile? Wretched, unproductive
mode of existence! Selfishness is its own curse; it is a starving vice.
The man who does no good, gets none. He is like the heath in the desert,
neither yielding fruit, nor seeing when good cometh--a stunted,
dwarfish, miserable shrub."
42. Separate the syllables of the word gentleman, and you will see that
the first requisite must be gentleness--_gentle_-man. Mackenzie says,
"Few persons are sufficiently aware of the power of gentleness. It is
slow in working, but it is infallible in its results. It makes no noise;
it neither invites attention, nor provokes resistance; but it is God's
great law, in the moral as in the natural world, for accomplishing great
results. The progressive dawn of day, the flow of the tide, the lapse of
time, the changes of the seasons--these are carried on by slow and
imperceptible degrees, yet their progress and issue none can mistake or
resist. Equally certain and surprising are the triumphs of gentleness.
It assumes nothing, yet it can disarm the stoutest opposition; it
yields, but yielding is the element of its strength; it endures, but in
the warfare victory is not gained by doing, but by suffering."
43. Perfect composure of manner requires perfect peace of mind, so you
should, as far as lies in human power, avoid the evils which make an
unquiet mind, and, first of all, avoid that cheating, swindling process
called "running in debt." Owe no man anything; avoid it as you would
avoid war, pestilence, and famine. Hate it with a perfect hatred. As you
value comfort, quiet, and independence, keep out of debt. As you value a
healthy appetite, placid temper, pleasant dreams, and happy wakings,
keep out of debt. It is the hardest of all task-masters; the most cruel
of all oppressors. It is a mill-stone about the neck. It is an incubus
on the heart. It furrows the forehead with premature wrinkles. It drags
the nobleness and kindness out of the port and bearing of a man; it
takes the soul out of his laugh, and all stateliness and freedom from
his walk. Come not, then, under its crushing dominion.
44. Speak gently; a kind refusal will often wound less than a rough,
ungracious assent.
45. "In private, watch your thoughts; in your family, watch your temper;
in society, watch your tongue."
46. The true secret of pleasing all the world, is to have an humble
opinion of yourself. True goodness is invariably accompanied by
gentleness, courtesy, and humility. Those people who are always
"sticking on their dignity," are continually losing friends, making
enemies, and fostering a spirit of unhappiness in themselves.
47. Are you a merchant? Remember that the counting-house is no less a
school of manners and temper than a school of morals. Vulgarity,
imperiousness, peevishness, caprice on the part of the heads, will
produce their corresponding effects upon the household. Some merchants
are petty tyrants. Some are too surly to be fit for any charge, unless
it be that of taming a shrew. The coarseness of others, in manner and
language, must either disgust or contaminate all their subordinates. In
one establishment you will encounter an unmanly levity, which precludes
all discipline. In another, a mock dignity, which supplies the juveniles
with a standing theme of ridicule. In a third, a capriciousness of mood
and temper, which reminds one of the prophetic hints of the weather in
the old almanacks--"windy"--"cool"--"very pleasant"--"blustering"--"look
out for storms"--and the like. And, in a fourth, a selfish acerbity,
which exacts the most unreasonable services, and never cheers a clerk
with a word of encouragement.--These are sad infirmities. Men ought not
to have clerks until they know how to treat them. Their own comfort,
too, would be greatly enhanced by a different deportment.
48. If you are about to enter, or leave, a store or any door, and
unexpectedly meet a lady going the other way, stand aside and raise your
hat whilst she passes. If she is going the same way, and the door is
closed, pass before her, saying, "allow me," or, "permit me,"--open the
door, and hold it open whilst she passes.
49. In entering a room where you will meet ladies, take your hat, cane,
and gloves in your left hand, that your right may be free to offer to
them.
50. Never offer to shake hands with a lady; she will, if she wishes you
to do so, offer her hand to you, and it is an impertinence for you to do
so first.
51. If you are seated in the most comfortable chair in a public room,
and a lady, an invalid, or an old man enters, rise, and offer your seat,
even if they are strangers to you. Many men will attend to these
civilities when with friends or acquaintances, and neglect them amongst
strangers, but the true gentleman will not wait for an introduction
before performing an act of courtesy.
52. As both flattery and slander are in the highest degree blameable and
ungentlemanly, I would quote the rule of Bishop Beveridge, which
effectually prevents both. He says, "Never speak of a man's virtue
before his face, nor of his faults behind his back."
53. Never enter a room, in which there are ladies, after smoking, until
you have purified both your mouth, teeth, hair, and clothes. If you wish
to smoke just before entering a saloon, wear an old coat and carefully
brush your hair and teeth before resuming your own.
54. Never endeavor to attract the attention of a friend by nudging him,
touching his foot or hand secretly, or making him a gesture. If you
cannot speak to him frankly, you had best let him alone; for these
signals are generally made with the intention of ridiculing a third
person, and that is the height of rudeness.
55. Button-holding is a common but most blameable breach of good
manners. If a man requires to be forcibly detained to listen to you, you
are as rude in thus detaining him, as if you had put a pistol to his
head and threatened to blow his brains out if he stirred.
56. It is a great piece of rudeness to make a remark in general company,
which is intelligible to one person only. To call out, "George, I met D.
L. yesterday, and he says he will attend to that matter," is as bad as
if you went to George and whispered in his ear.
57. In your intercourse with servants, nothing will mark you as a
well-bred man, so much as a gentle, courteous manner. A request will
make your wishes attended to as quickly as a command, and thanks for a
service, oil the springs of the servant's labor immensely. Rough, harsh
commands may make your orders obeyed well and promptly, but they will be
executed unwillingly, in fear, and, probably, dislike, while courtesy
and kindness will win a willing spirit as well as prompt service.
58. Avoid eccentric conduct. It does not, as many suppose, mark a man of
genius. Most men of true genius are gentlemanly and reserved in their
intercourse with other men, and there are many fools whose folly is
called eccentricity.
59. Avoid familiarity. Neither treat others with too great cordiality
nor suffer them to take liberties with you. To check the familiarity of
others, you need not become stiff, sullen, nor cold, but you will find
that excessive politeness on your own part, sometimes with a little
formality, will soon abash the intruder.
60. Lazy, lounging attitudes in the presence of ladies are very rude.
61. It is only the most arrant coxcomb who will boast of the favor shown
him by a lady, speak of her by her first name, or allow others to jest
with him upon his friendship or admiration for her. If he really admires
her, and has reason to hope for a future engagement with her, her name
should be as sacred to him as if she were already his wife; if, on the
contrary, he is not on intimate terms with her, then he adds a lie to
his excessively bad breeding, when using her name familiarly.
62. "He that can please nobody is not so much to be pitied as he that
nobody can please."
63. Speak without obscurity or affectation. The first is a mark of
pedantry, the second a sign of folly. A wise man will speak always
clearly and intelligibly.
64. To betray a confidence is to make yourself despicable. Many things
are said among friends which are not said under a seal of secrecy, but
are understood to be confidential, and a truly honorable man will never
violate this tacit confidence. It is really as sacred as if the most
solemn promises of silence bound your tongue; more so, indeed, to the
true gentleman, as his sense of honor, not his word, binds him.
65. Chesterfield says, "As learning, honor, and virtue are absolutely
necessary to gain you the esteem and admiration of mankind, politeness
and good breeding are equally necessary to make you welcome and
agreeable in conversation and common life. Great talents, such as honor,
virtue, learning, and parts are above the generality of the world, who
neither possess them themselves nor judge of them rightly in others; but
all people are judges of the lesser talents, such as civility,
affability, and an obliging, agreeable address and manner; because they
feel the good effects of them, as making society easy and pleasing."
66. "Good sense must, in many cases, determine good breeding; because
the same thing that would be civil at one time and to one person, may be
quite otherwise at another time and to another person."
67. Nothing can be more ill-bred than to meet a polite remark addressed
to you, either with inattention or a rude answer.
68. Spirit is now a very fashionable word, but it is terribly
misapplied. In the present day to act with spirit and speak with spirit
means to act rashly and speak indiscretely. A gentleman shows his spirit
by firm, but gentle words and resolute actions. He is spirited but
neither rash nor timid.
69. "Use kind words. They do not cost much. It does not take long to
utter them. They never blister the tongue or lips in their passage into
the world, or occasion any other kind of bodily suffering. And we have
never heard of any mental trouble arising from this quarter.
"Though they do not COST much, yet they ACCOMPLISH much. They help one's
own good nature and good will. One cannot be in a habit of this kind,
without thereby picking away something of the granite roughness of his
own nature. Soft words will soften his own soul. Philosophers tell us
that the angry words a man uses, in his passion, are fuel to the flame
of his wrath, and make it blaze the more fiercely. Why, then, should not
words of the opposite character produce opposite results, and that most
blessed of all passions of the soul, kindness, be augmented by kind
words? People that are forever speaking kindly, are forever disinclining
themselves to ill-temper.
"Kind words make other people good natured. Cold words freeze people,
and hot words scorch them, and sarcastic words irritate them, and bitter
words make them bitter, and wrathful words make them wrathful. And kind
words also produce their own image on men's souls. And a beautiful image
it is. They soothe, and quiet, and comfort the hearer. They shame him
out of his sour, morose, unkind feelings, and he has to become kind
himself.
"There is such a rush of all other kind of words, in our days, that it
seems desirable to give kind words a chance among them. There are vain
words, and idle words, and hasty words, and spiteful words, and silly
words, and empty words. Now, kind words are better than the whole of
them, and it is a pity that, among the improvements of the present age,
birds of this feather might not have more chance than they have had to
spread their wings.
"Kind words are in danger of being driven from the field, like
frightened pigeons, in these days of boisterous words, and warlike
words, and passionate words. They have not the brass to stand up, like
so many grenadiers, and fight their own way among the throng. Besides,
they have been out of use so long, that they hardly know whether they
have any right to make their appearance any more in our bustling world;
not knowing but that, perhaps, the world was done with them, and would
not like their company any more.
"Let us welcome them back. We have not done with them. We have not yet
begun to use them in such abundance as they ought to be used. We cannot
spare them."
70. The first step towards pleasing every one is to endeavor to offend
no one. To give pain by a light or jesting remark is as much a breach of
etiquette, as to give pain by a wound made with a steel weapon, is a
breach of humanity.
71. "A gentleman will never use his tongue to rail and brawl against any
one; to speak evil of others in their absence; to exaggerate any of his
statements; to speak harshly to children or to the poor; to swear, lie,
or use improper language; to hazard random and improbable statements; to
speak rashly or violently upon any subject; to deceive people by
circulating false reports, or to offer up _lip_-service in religion. But
he will use it to convey to mankind useful information; to instruct his
family and others who need it; to warn and reprove the wicked; to
comfort and console the afflicted; to cheer the timid and fearful; to
defend the innocent and oppressed; to plead for the widow and orphan; to
congratulate the success of the virtuous, and to confess, tearfully and
prayerfully, his faults."
72. Chesterfield says, "Civility is particularly due to all women; and,
remember, that no provocation whatsoever can justify any man in not
being civil to every woman; and the greatest man would justly be
reckoned a brute if he were not civil to the meanest woman. It is due to
their sex, and is the only protection they have against the superior
strength of ours; nay, even a little is allowable with women: and a man
may, without weakness, tell a women she is either handsomer or wiser
than she is." (Chesterfield would not have said this in the present age
of strong minded, sensible women.)
73. There is much tact and good breeding to be displayed in the
correction of any little error that may occur in conversation. To say,
shortly,--"You are wrong! I know better!" is rude, and your friends
will much more readily admit an error if you say courteously and gently,
"Pardon me, but I must take the liberty of correcting you," or, "You
will allow me, I am sure, to tell you that your informant made an
error." If such an error is of no real importance, it is better to let
it pass unnoticed.
74. Intimate friends and relations should be careful when they go out
into the world together, or admit others to their own circle, that they
do not make a bad use of the knowledge which they have gained of each
other by their intimacy. Nothing is more common than this; and, did it
not mostly proceed from mere carelessness, it would be superlatively
ungenerous. You seldom need wait for the written life of a man to hear
about his weaknesses, or what are supposed to be such, if you know his
intimate friends, or meet him in company with them.
75. In making your first visit anywhere, you will be less apt to offend
by being too ceremonious, than by being too familiar.
76. With your friends remember the old proverb, that, "Familiarity
breeds contempt."
77. If you meet, in society, with any one, be it a gentleman or a lady,
whose timidity or bashfulness, shows them unaccustomed to meeting
others, endeavor, by your own gentleness and courtesy, to place them
more at ease, and introduce to them those who will aid you in this
endeavor.
78. If, when walking with a gentleman friend, you meet a lady to whom
your friend bows, you, too, must touch or raise your hat, though you
are not acquainted with the lady.
79. "Although it is now very much the custom, in many wealthy families,
for the butler to remove the dishes from the table and carve them on the
sideboard, thus saving trouble to the master or mistress of the house,
and time to the guests, the practice is not so general even amongst what
are called the higher classes of society that general instructions for
carving will be uninteresting to them, to say nothing of the more
numerous class, who, although enabled to place good dishes before their
friends, are not wealthy enough to keep a butler if they were so
inclined. Good carving is, to a certain extent, indicative of good
society, for it proves to company that the host does not give a dinner
party for the first time, but is accustomed to receive friends, and
frequently to dispense the cheer of a hospitable board. The master or
mistress of a house, who does not know how to carve, is not unfrequently
looked upon as an ignorant _parvenu_, as a person who cannot take a hand
at whist, in good society, is regarded as one who has passed his time in
the parlor of a public house, playing at cribbage or all fours.
Independently, however, of the importance of knowing how to carve well,
for the purpose of regaling one's friends and acquaintances, the
science, and it is a science, is a valuable acquirement for any man, as
it enables him, at a public or private dinner, to render valuable aid.
There are many diners-out who are welcome merely because they know how
to carve. Some men amuse by their conversation; others are favorites
because they can sing a good song; but the man who makes himself useful
and agreeable to all, is he who carves with elegance and speed. We
recommend the novice in this art, to keep a watchful eye upon every
superior carver whom he may meet at dinner. In this way he will soon
become well versed in the art and mystery of cutting up."
80. Years may pass over our heads without affording an opportunity for
acts of high beneficence or extensive utility; whereas, not a day
passes, but in common transactions of life, and, especially in the
intercourse of society, courtesy finds place for promoting the happiness
of others, and for strengthening in ourselves the habits of unselfish
politeness. There are situations, not a few, in human life, when an
encouraging reception, a condescending behaviour, and a look of
sympathy, bring greater relief to the heart than the most bountiful
gift.
81. Cecil says, "You may easily make a sensation--but a sensation is a
vulgar triumph. To keep up the sensation of an excitement, you must be
always standing on your head (morally speaking), and the attitude, like
everything overstrained, would become fatiguing to yourself and tedious
to others. Whereas, to obtain permanent favor, as an agreeable,
well-bred man, requires simply an exercise of the understanding."
82. There is no vice more truly ungentlemanly than that of using profane
language. Lamont says:
"Whatever fortune may be made by perjury, I believe there never was a
man who made a fortune by common swearing. It often appears that men pay
for swearing, but it seldom happens that they are paid for it. It is not
easy to perceive what honor or credit is connected with it. Does any
man receive promotion because he is a notable blusterer? Or is any man
advanced to dignity because he is expert at profane swearing? Never. Low
must be the character which such impertinence will exalt: high must be
the character which such impertinence will not degrade. Inexcusable,
therefore, must be the practice which has neither reason nor passion to
support it. The drunkard has his cups; the satirist, his revenge; the
ambitious man, his preferments; the miser, his gold; but the common
swearer has nothing; he is a fool at large, sells his soul for nought,
and drudges in the service of the devil gratis. Swearing is void of all
plea; it is not the native offspring of the soul, nor interwoven with
the texture of the body, nor, anyhow, allied to our frame. For, as
Tillotson expresses it, 'Though some men pour out oaths as if they were
natural, yet no man was ever born of a swearing constitution.' But it is
a custom, a low and a paltry custom, picked up by low and paltry spirits
who have no sense of honor, no regard to decency, but are forced to
substitute some rhapsody of nonsense to supply the vacancy of good
sense. Hence, the silliness of the practice can only be equalled by the
silliness of those who adopt it."
83. Dr. Johnson says that to converse well "there must, in the first
place, be knowledge--there must be materials; in the second place, there
must be a command of words; in the third place, there must be
imagination to place things in such views as they are not commonly seen
in; and, in the fourth place, there must be a presence of mind, and a
resolution that is not to be overcome by failure--this last is an
essential requisite; for want of it, many people do not excel in
conversation."
84. "Do not constantly endeavor to draw the attention of all upon
yourself when in company. Leave room for your hearers to imagine
something within you beyond what you speak; and, remember, the more you
are praised the more you will be envied."
85. Be very careful to treat with attention and respect those who have
lately met with misfortunes, or have suffered from loss of fortune. Such
persons are apt to think themselves slighted, when no such thing is
intended. Their minds, being already sore, feel the least rub very
severely, and who would thus cruelly add affliction to the afflicted?
Not the _gentleman_ certainly.
86. There is hardly any bodily blemish which a winning behavior will not
conceal or make tolerable; and there is no external grace which
ill-nature or affectation will not deform.
87. Good humor is the only shield to keep off the darts of the satirist;
but if you are the first to laugh at a jest made upon yourself, others
will laugh _with_ you instead of _at_ you.
88. Whenever you see a person insult his inferiors, you may feel assured
that he is the man who will be servile and cringing to his superiors;
and he who acts the bully to the weak, will play the coward when with
the strong.
89. Maintain, in every word, a strict regard for perfect truth. Do not
think of one falsity as harmless, another as slight, a third as
unintended. Cast them all aside. They may be light and accidental, but
they are an ugly soot from the smoke of the pit for all that, and it is
better to have your heart swept clean of them, without stopping to
consider whether they are large and black.
90. The advantage and necessity of cheerfulness and intelligent
intercourse with the world is strongly to be recommended. A man who
keeps aloof from society and lives only for himself, does not fulfil the
wise intentions of Providence, who designed that we should be a mutual
help and comfort to each other in life.
91. Chesterfield says, "Merit and good breeding will make their way
everywhere. Knowledge will introduce man, and good breeding will endear
him to the best companies; for, politeness and good breeding are
absolutely necessary to adorn any, or all, other good qualities or
talents. Without them, no knowledge, no perfection whatever, is seen in
its best light. The scholar, without good breeding, is a pedant; the
philosopher, a cynic; the soldier, a brute; and every man disagreeable."
92. It is very seldom that a man may permit himself to tell stories in
society; they are, generally, tedious, and, to many present, will
probably have all the weariness of a "twice-told tale." A short,
brilliant anecdote, which is especially applicable to the conversation
going on, is all that a well-bred man will ever permit himself to
inflict.
93. It is better to take the tone of the society into which you are
thrown, than to endeavor to lead others after you. The way to become
truly popular is to be grave with the grave, jest with the gay, and
converse sensibly with those who seek to display their sense.
94. Watch each of your actions, when in society, that all the habits
which you contract there may be useful and good ones. Like flakes of
snow that fall unperceived upon the earth, the seemingly unimportant
events of life succeed one another. As the snow gathers together, so are
our habits formed. No single flake that is added to the pile produces a
sensible change--no single action creates, however it may exhibit, a
man's character; but, as the tempest hurls the avalanche down the
mountain, and overwhelms the inhabitant and his habitation, so passion,
acting upon the elements of mischief, which pernicious habits have
brought together by imperceptible accumulation, may overthrow the
edifice of truth and virtue.
95. There is no greater fault in good breeding than too great
diffidence. Shyness cramps every motion, clogs every word. The only way
to overcome the fault is to mix constantly in society, and the habitual
intercourse with others will give you the graceful ease of manner which
shyness utterly destroys.
96. If you are obliged to leave a large company at an early hour, take
French leave. Slip away unperceived, if you can, but, at any rate,
without any formal leave-taking.
97. Avoid quarrels. If you are convinced, even, that you have the right
side in an argument, yield your opinion gracefully, if this is the only
way to avoid a quarrel, saying, "We cannot agree, I see, but this
inability must not deprive me of a friend, so we will discuss the
subject no further." Few men will be able to resist your courtesy and
good nature, but many would try to combat an obstinate adherence to
your own side of the question.
98. Avoid the filthy habit of which foreigners in this country so justly
complain--I mean spitting.
99. If any one bows to you in the street, return the bow. It may be an
acquaintance whose face you do not immediately recognize, and if it is a
stranger who mistakes you for another, your courteous bow will relieve
him from the embarrassment arising from his mistake.
100. The following hints on conversation conclude the chapter:--
"Conversation may be carried on successfully by persons who have no idea
that it is or may be an art, as clever things are sometimes done without
study. But there can be no certainty of good conversation in ordinary
circumstances, and amongst ordinary minds, unless certain rules be
observed, and certain errors be avoided.
"The first and greatest rule unquestionably is, that all must be
favorably disposed towards each other, and willing to be pleased. There
must be no sullen or uneasy-looking person--no one who evidently thinks
he has fallen into unsuitable company, and whose sole aim it is to take
care lest his dignity be injured--no one whose feelings are of so morose
or ascetic a kind that he cannot join without observable pain and
hesitation in the playfulness of the scene--no matter-of-fact person,
who takes all things literally, and means all things literally, and
thinks it as great a crime to say something in jest as to do it in
earnest. One of any of these classes of persons is sufficient to mar the
enjoyments of a hundred. The matter-of-factish may do very well with
the matter-of-factish, the morose with the morose, the stilted with the
stilted; and they should accordingly keep amongst themselves
respectively. But, for what is generally recognized as agreeable
conversation, minds exempted from these peculiarities are required.
"The ordinary rules of politeness are, of course, necessary--no
rudeness, no offence to each other's self-esteem; on the contrary, much
mutual deference is required, in order to keep all the elements of a
company sweet. Sometimes, however, there is a very turbid kind of
conversation, where there is no want of common good breeding. This, most
frequently, arises from there being too great a disposition to speak,
and too small a disposition to listen. Too many are eager to get their
ideas expressed, or to attract attention; and the consequence is, that
nothing is heard but broken snatches and fragments of discourse, in
which there is neither profit nor entertainment. No man listens to what
another has to say, and then makes a relative or additionally
illustrative remark. One may be heard for a minute, or half a minute,
but it is with manifest impatience; and the moment he is done, or stops
to draw breath, the other plunges in with what _he_ had to say, being
something quite of another strain, and referring to another subject. He
in his turn is interrupted by a third, with the enunciation of some
favorite ideas of his, equally irrelative; and thus conversation becomes
no conversation, but a contention for permission to speak a few hurried
words, which nobody cares to hear, or takes the trouble to answer.
Meanwhile, the modest and weak sit silent and ungratified. The want of
regulation is here very manifest. It would be better to have a president
who should allow everybody a minute in succession to speak without
interruption, than thus to have freedom, and so monstrously to abuse it.
The only remedy, as far as meetings by invitation are concerned, is to
take care that no more eager talkers are introduced than are absolutely
necessary to prevent conversation from flagging. One to every six or
eight persons is the utmost that can be safely allowed.
"The danger of introducing politics, or any other notoriously
controversial subject, in mixed companies, is so generally acknowledged,
that conversation is in little danger--at least in polite circles--from
that source. But wranglements, nevertheless, are apt to arise. Very
frequently the company falls together by the ears in consequence of the
starting of some topic in which facts are concerned--with which facts no
one chances to be acquainted.
"Conversation is often much spoilt through slight inattentions or
misapprehensions on the part of a particular member of the company. In
the midst of some interesting narrative or discussion, he suddenly puts
all to a stop, in order that some little perplexity may be explained,
which he could never have fallen into, if he had been paying a fair
degree of attention to what was going on. Or he has some precious
prejudice jarred upon by something said, or supposed to be said, and all
is at a stand, till he has been, through the united exertions of a vexed
company, re-assured and put at his ease. Often the most frivolous
interruption from such causes will disconcert the whole strain of the
conversation, and spoil the enjoyment of a score of people.
"The eager speakers, already alluded to, are a different class from
those who may be called the determinedly loquacious. A thoroughly
loquacious man has no idea of anything but a constant outpouring of talk
from his own mouth. If he stops for a moment, he thinks he is not doing
his duty to the company; and, anxious that there should be no cause of
complaint against him on that score, he rather repeats a sentence, or
gives the same idea in different words, or hums and haws a little, than
allow the least pause to take place. The notion that any other body can
be desirous of saying a word, never enters his head. He would as soon
suppose that a beggar was anxious to bestow alms upon him, as that any
one could wish to speak, as long as he himself was willing to save them
the trouble. Any attempt to interrupt him is quite hopeless. The only
effect of the sound of another voice is to raise the sound of his own,
so as to drown it. Even to give a slight twist or turn to the flow of
his ideas, is scarce possible. When a decided attempt is made to get in
a few words, he only says, with an air of offended feeling, set off with
a tart courtesy, 'Allow me, sir,' or, 'When you are done, sir;' as if he
were a man whom nobody would allow, on any occasion, to say all he had
to say. If, however, he has been permitted to talk on and on incessantly
a whole evening, to the complete closing of the mouths of the rest, he
goes away with all the benevolent glow of feeling which arises from a
gratified faculty, remarking to the gentleman who takes his arm, 'What a
great deal of pleasant conversation we have had!' and chatters forth
all the way home such sentences as, 'Excellent fellow, our host,'
'charming wife,' 'delightful family altogether,' 'always make everybody
so happy.'
"Another class of spoilers of conversation are the loud talkers or
blusterers. They are not numerous, but one is enough to destroy the
comfort of thirty people for a whole evening. The least opposition to
any of his ideas makes the blusterer rise in his might, and bellow, and
roar, and bellow again, till the whole company is in something like the
condition of Æneas's fleet after Eolus has done his worst. The society
enjoyed by this kind of man is a series of _first invitations_.
"While blusterers and determinedly loquacious persons are best left to
themselves, and while endless worryings on unknown things are to be
avoided, it is necessary both that one or two good conversationists
should be at every party, and that the strain of the conversation should
not be allowed to become too tame. In all invited parties, eight of
every ten persons are disposed to hold their peace, or to confine
themselves to monosyllabic answers to commonplace inquiries. It is
necessary, therefore, that there should be _some_ who can speak, and
that fluently, if not entertainingly--only not too many. But all
engrossing of conversation, and all turbulence, and over-eagerness, and
egotism, are to be condemned. A very soft and quiet manner has, at last,
been settled upon, in the more elevated circles, as the best for
conversation. Perhaps they carry it to a pitch of affectation; but, yet,
when we observe the injurious consequences of the opposite style in less
polite companies, it is not easy to avoid the conclusion that the great
folks are, upon the whole, right. In the courtly scene, no one has his
ears offended with loud and discordant tones, no one is condemned to
absolute silence. All display in conversation will not depend on the
accidental and external quality of strength of voice, as it must do
where a loud and contentious style of talking is allowed; the soft-toned
and the weak-lunged will have as good a chance as their more robust
neighbors; and it will be possible for all both to speak and to hear.
There may be another advantage in its being likely to produce less
mental excitement than the more turbulent kind of society. But
_regulation_ is, we are persuaded, the thing most of all wanted in the
conversational meetings of the middle classes. People interrupt each
other too much--are too apt to run away into their own favorite themes,
without caring for the topic of their neighbors--too frequently wrangle
about trifles. The regularity of a debating society would be
intolerable; but some certain degree of method might certainly be
introduced with great advantage. There should, at least, be a vigorous
enforcement of the rule against more than one speaking at a time, even
though none of those waiting for their turn should listen to a word he
says. Without this there may be much talk, and even some merriment, but
no conversation."