POLITENESS.
Real politeness is the outward expression of the most generous impulses
of the heart. It enforces unselfishness, benevolence, kindness, and the
golden rule, "Do unto others as you would others should do unto you."
Thus its first principle is love for the neighbor, loving him as
yourself.
When in society it would often be exceedingly difficult to decide how to
treat those who are personally disagreeable to us, if it were not for
the rules of politeness, and the little formalities and points of
etiquette which these rules enforce. These evidences of polite breeding
do not prove hypocrisy, as you may treat your most bitter enemy with
perfect courtesy, and yet make no protestations of friendship.
If politeness is but a mask, as many philosophers tell us, it is a mask
which will win love and admiration, and is better worn than cast aside.
If you wear it with the sincere desire to give pleasure to others, and
make all the little meetings of life pass off smoothly and agreeably, it
will soon cease to be a mask, but you will find that the manner which
you at first put on to give pleasure, has become natural to you, and
wherever you have assumed a virtue to please others, you will find the
virtue becoming habitual and finally natural, and part of yourself.
Do not look upon the rules of etiquette as deceptions. They are just as
often vehicles for the expression of sincere feeling, as they are the
mask to conceal a want of it.
You will in society meet with men who rail against politeness, and call
it deceit and hypocrisy. Watch these men when they have an object to
gain, or are desirous of making a favorable impression, and see them
tacitly, but unconsciously, admit the power of courtesy, by dropping for
the time, their uncouth ways, to affect the politeness, they oftentimes
do not feel.
Pass over the defects of others, be prudent, discreet, at the proper
time reserved, yet at other times frank, and treat others with the same
gentle courtesy you would wish extended to yourself.
True politeness never embarrasses any one, because its first object is
to put all at their ease, while it leaves to all perfect freedom of
action. You must meet rudeness from others by perfect politeness and
polish of manner on your own part, and you will thus shame those who
have been uncivil to you. You will more readily make them blush by your
courtesy, than if you met their rudeness by ill manners on your own
part.
While a favor may be doubled in value, by a frankly courteous manner of
granting it, a refusal will lose half its bitterness if your manner
shows polite regret at your inability to oblige him who asks the favor
at your hand.
Politeness may be extended to the lowest and meanest, and you will
never by thus extending it detract from your own dignity. A _gentleman_
may and will treat his washerwoman with respect and courtesy, and his
boot-black with pleasant affability, yet preserve perfectly his own
position. To really merit the name of a polite, finished gentleman, you
must be polite at all times and under all circumstances.
There is a difference between politeness and etiquette. Real politeness
is in-born, and may exist in the savage, while etiquette is the outward
expression of politeness reduced to the rules current in good society.
A man may be polite, really so in heart, yet show in every movement an
ignorance of the rules of etiquette, and offend against the laws of
society. You may find him with his elbows upon the table, or tilting his
chair in a parlor. You may see him commit every hour gross breaches of
etiquette, yet you will never hear him intentionally utter one word to
wound another, you will see that he habitually endeavors to make others
comfortable, choosing for them the easiest seats, or the daintiest
dishes, and putting self entirely aside to contribute to the pleasure of
all around him. Such a man will learn, by contact with refined society,
that his ignorance of the rules which govern it, make him, at times,
disagreeable, and from the same unselfish motive which prompts him to
make a sacrifice of comfort for the sake of others, he will watch and
learn quickly, almost by instinct, where he offends against good
breeding, drop one by one his errors in etiquette, and become truly a
gentleman.
On the other hand, you will meet constantly, in the best society, men
whose polish of manner is exquisite, who will perform to the minutest
point the niceties of good breeding, who never commit the least act that
is forbidden by the strictest rules of etiquette; yet under all this
mask of chivalry, gallantry, and politeness will carry a cold, selfish
heart; will, with a sweet smile, graceful bow, and elegant language,
wound deeply the feelings of others, and while passing in society for
models of courtesy and elegance of manner, be in feeling as cruel and
barbarous as the veriest savage.
So I would say to you, Cultivate your heart. Cherish there the Christian
graces, love for the neighbor, unselfishness, charity, and gentleness,
and you will be truly a gentleman; add to these the graceful forms of
etiquette, and you then become a _perfect_ gentleman.
Etiquette exists in every corner of the known world, from the savages in
the wilds of Africa, who dare not, upon penalty of death, approach their
barbarous rulers without certain forms and ceremonies, to the most
refined circles of Europe, where gentle chivalry and a cultivated mind
suggest its rules. It has existed in all ages, and the stringency of its
laws in some countries has given rise to both ludicrous and tragic
incidents.
In countries where royalty rules the etiquette, it often happens that
pride will blind those who make the rules, and the results are often
fatal. Believing that the same deference which their rank authorized
them to demand, was also due to them as individuals, the result of such
an idea was an etiquette as vain and useless as it was absurd.
For an example I will give an anecdote:
"The kings of Spain, the proudest and vainest of all kings of the
earth, made a rule of etiquette as stupid as it was useless. It was a
fault punishable by death to touch the foot of the queen, and the
individual who thus offended, no matter under what circumstances, was
executed immediately.
"A young queen of Spain, wife of Charles the Second, was riding on
horseback in the midst of her attendants. Suddenly the horse reared and
threw the queen from the saddle. Her foot remained in the stirrup, and
she was dragged along the ground. An immense crowd stood looking at this
spectacle, but no one dared, for his life, to attempt to rescue the poor
woman. She would have died, had not two young French officers, ignorant
of the stupid law which paralyzed the Spaniards, sprung forward and
saved her. One stopped the horse, and whilst he held the bridle, his
companion disengaged from its painful position the foot of the young
queen, who was, by this time, insensible from fear and the bruises which
she had already received. They were instantly arrested, and while the
queen was carried on a litter to the palace, her young champions were
marched off, accompanied by a strong guard, to prison. The next day,
sick and feeble, the queen was obliged to leave her bed, and on her
knees before the king, plead for the pardon of the two Frenchmen; and
her prayer was only granted upon condition that the audacious foreigners
left Spain immediately."
There is no country in the world where the absurdities of etiquette are
carried to so great a length as in Spain, because there is no nation
where the nobility are so proud. The following anecdote, which
illustrates this, would seem incredible were it not a historical fact:
"Philip the Third, king of Spain, was sick, and being able to sit up,
was carefully placed in an arm chair which stood opposite to a large
fire, when the wood was piled up to an enormous height. The heat soon
became intolerable, and the courtiers retired from around the king; but,
as the Duke D'Ussede, the fire stirrer for the king, was not present,
and as no one else had the right to touch the fire, those present dared
not attempt to diminish the heat. The grand chamberlain was also absent,
and he alone was authorized to touch the king's footstool. The poor
king, too ill to rise, in vain implored those around him to move his
chair, no one dared touch it, and when the grand chamberlain arrived,
the king had fainted with the heat, and a few days later he died,
literally roasted to death."
At almost all times, and in almost all places, good breeding may be
shown; and we think a good service will be done by pointing out a few
plain and simple instances in which it stands opposed to habits and
manners, which, though improper and disagreeable, are not very uncommon.
In the familiar intercourse of society, a well-bred _man_ will be known
by the delicacy and deference with which he behaves towards females.
That man would deservedly be looked upon as very deficient in proper
respect and feeling, who should take any physical advantage of one of
the weaker sex, or offer any personal slight towards her. Woman looks,
and properly looks, for protection to man. It is the province of the
husband to shield the wife from injury; of the father to protect the
daughter; the brother has the same duty to perform towards the sister;
and, in general, every man should, in this sense, be the champion and
the lover of every woman. Not only should he be ready to protect, but
desirous to please, and willing to sacrifice much of his own personal
ease and comfort, if, by doing so, he can increase those of any female
in whose company he may find himself. Putting these principles into
practice, a well-bred man, in his own house, will be kind and respectful
in his behaviour to every female of the family. He will not use towards
them harsh language, even if called upon to express dissatisfaction with
their conduct. In conversation, he will abstain from every allusion
which would put modesty to the blush. He will, as much as in his power,
lighten their labors by cheerful and voluntary assistance. He will yield
to them every little advantage which may occur in the regular routine of
domestic life:--the most comfortable seat, if there be a difference; the
warmest position by the winter's fireside; the nicest slice from the
family joint, and so on.
In a public assembly of any kind, a well-bred man will pay regard to the
feelings and wishes of the females by whom he is surrounded. He will not
secure the best seat for himself, and leave the women folk to take care
of themselves. He will not be seated at all, if the meeting be crowded,
and a single female appear unaccommodated.
Good breeding will keep a person from making loud and startling noises,
from pushing past another in entering or going out of a room; from
ostentatiously using a pocket-handkerchief; from hawking and spitting
in company; from fidgeting any part of the body; from scratching the
head, or picking the teeth with fork or with finger. In short, it will
direct all who study its rules to abstain from every personal act which
may give pain or offence to another's feelings. At the same time, it
will enable them to bear much without taking offence. It will teach them
when to speak and when to be silent, and how to behave with due respect
to all. By attention to the rules of good breeding, and more especially
to its leading principles, "the poorest man will be entitled to the
character of a gentleman, and by inattention to them, the most wealthy
person will be essentially vulgar. Vulgarity signifies coarseness or
indelicacy of manner, and is not necessarily associated with poverty or
lowliness of condition. Thus an operative artizan may be a gentleman,
and worthy of our particular esteem; while an opulent merchant may be
only a vulgar clown, with whom it is impossible to be on terms of
friendly intercourse."
The following remarks upon the "Character of a Gentleman" by Brooke are
so admirable that I need make no apology for quoting them entire. He
says; "There is no term, in our language, more common than that of
'Gentleman;' and, whenever it is heard, all agree in the general idea of
a man some way elevated above the vulgar. Yet, perhaps, no two living
are precisely agreed respecting the qualities they think requisite for
constituting this character. When we hear the epithets of a 'fine
Gentleman,' 'a pretty Gentleman,' 'much of a Gentleman,' 'Gentlemanlike,'
'something of a Gentleman,' 'nothing of a Gentleman,' and so forth; all
these different appellations must intend a peculiarity annexed to the
ideas of those who express them; though no two of them, as I said, may
agree in the constituent qualities of the character they have formed in
their own mind. There have been ladies who deemed fashionable dress a
very capital ingredient in the composition of--a Gentleman. A certain
easy impudence acquired by low people, by casually being conversant in
high life, has passed a man current through many companies for--a
Gentleman. In taverns and brothels, he who is the most of a bully is the
most of--a Gentleman. And the highwayman, in his manner of taking your
purse, may however be allowed to have--much of the Gentleman. Plato,
among the philosophers, was 'the most of a man of fashion;' and therefore
allowed, at the court of Syracuse, to be--the most of a Gentleman. But
seriously, I apprehend that this character is pretty much upon the
modern. In all ancient or dead languages we have no term, any way
adequate, whereby we may express it. In the habits, manners, and
characters of old Sparta and old Rome, we find an antipathy to all the
elements of modern gentility. Among these rude and unpolished people,
you read of philosophers, of orators, of patriots, heroes, and demigods;
but you never hear of any character so elegant as that of--a pretty
Gentleman.
"When those nations, however, became refined into what their ancestors
would have called corruption; when luxury introduced, and fashion gave a
sanction to certain sciences, which Cynics would have branded with the
ill mannered appellations of drunkenness, gambling, cheating, lying,
&c.; the practitioners assumed the new title of Gentlemen, till such
Gentlemen became as plenteous as stars in the milky-way, and lost
distinction merely by the confluence of their lustre. Wherefore as the
said qualities were found to be of ready acquisition, and of easy
descent to the populace from their betters, ambition judged it necessary
to add further marks and criterions for severing the general herd from
the nobler species--of Gentlemen.
"Accordingly, if the commonalty were observed to have a propensity to
religion, their superiors affected a disdain of such vulgar prejudices;
and a freedom that cast off the restraints of morality, and a courage
that spurned at the fear of a God, were accounted the distinguishing
characteristics--of a Gentleman.
"If the populace, as in China, were industrious and ingenious, the
grandees, by the length of their nails and the cramping of their limbs,
gave evidence that true dignity was above labor and utility, and that to
be born to no end was the prerogative--of a Gentleman.
"If the common sort, by their conduct, declared a respect for the
institutions of civil society and good government; their betters
despised such pusillanimous conformity, and the magistrates paid
becoming regard to the distinction, and allowed of the superior
liberties and privileges--of a Gentleman.
"If the lower set show a sense of common honesty and common order; those
who would figure in the world, think it incumbent to demonstrate that
complaisance to inferiors, common manners, common equity, or any thing
common, is quite beneath the attention or sphere--of a Gentleman.
"Now, as underlings are ever ambitious of imitating and usurping the
manners of their superiors; and as this state of mortality is incident
to perpetual change and revolution, it may happen, that when the
populace, by encroaching on the province of gentility, have arrived to
their _ne plus ultra_ of insolence, irreligion, &c.; the gentry, in
order to be again distinguished, may assume the station that their
inferiors had forsaken, and, however ridiculous the supposition may
appear at present, humanity, equity, utility, complaisance, and piety,
may in time come to be the distinguishing characteristics--of a
Gentleman.
"It appears that the most general idea which people have formed of a
Gentleman, is that of a person of fortune above the vulgar, and
embellished by manners that are fashionable in high life. In this case,
fortune and fashion are the two constituent ingredients in the
composition of modern Gentlemen; for whatever the fashion may be,
whether moral or immoral, for or against reason, right or wrong, it is
equally the duty of a Gentleman to conform. And yet I apprehend, that
true gentility is altogether independent of fortune or fashion, of time,
customs, or opinions of any kind. The very same qualities that
constituted a gentleman, in the first age of the world, are permanently,
invariably, and indispensably necessary to the constitution of the same
character to the end of time.
"Hector was the finest gentleman of whom we read in history, and Don
Quixote the finest gentleman we read of in romance; as was instanced
from the tenor of their principles and actions.
"Some time after the battle of Cressy, Edward the Third of England, and
Edward the Black Prince, the more than heir of his father's renown,
pressed John King of France to indulge them with the pleasure of his
company at London. John was desirous of embracing the invitation, and
accordingly laid the proposal before his parliament at Paris. The
parliament objected, that the invitation had been made with an insidious
design of seizing his person, thereby to make the cheaper and easier
acquisition of the crown, to which Edward at that time pretended. But
John replied, with some warmth, that he was confident his brother
Edward, and more especially his young cousin, were too much of the
GENTLEMAN, to treat him in that manner. He did not say too much of the
king, of the hero, or of the saint, but too much of the GENTLEMAN to be
guilty of any baseness.
"The sequel verified this opinion. At the battle of Poictiers King John
was made prisoner, and soon after conducted by the Black Prince to
England. The prince entered London in triumph, amid the throng and
acclamations of millions of the people. But then this rather appeared to
be the triumph of the French king than that of his conqueror. John was
seated on a proud steed, royally robed, and attended by a numerous and
gorgeous train of the British nobility; while his conqueror endeavored,
as much as possible, to disappear, and rode by his side in plain attire,
and degradingly seated on a little Irish hobby.
"As Aristotle and the Critics derived their rules for epic poetry and
the sublime from a poem which Homer had written long before the rules
were formed, or laws established for the purpose: thus, from the
demeanor and innate principles of particular gentlemen, art has borrowed
and instituted the many modes of behaviour, which the world has adopted,
under the title of good manners.
"One quality of a gentleman is that of charity to the poor; and this is
delicately instanced in the account which Don Quixote gives, to his fast
friend Sancho Pancha, of the valorous but yet more pious knight-errant
Saint Martin. On a day, said the Don, Saint Martin met a poor man half
naked, and taking his cloak from his shoulders, he divided, and gave him
the one half. Now, tell me at what time of the year this happened. Was I
a witness? quoth, Sancho; how the vengeance should I know in what year
or what time of the year it happened? Hadst thou Sancho, rejoined the
knight, anything within thee of the sentiment of Saint Martin, thou must
assuredly have known that this happened in winter; for, had it been
summer, Saint Martin would had given the whole cloak.
"Another characteristic of the true gentleman, is a delicacy of
behaviour toward that sex whom nature has entitled to the protection,
and consequently entitled to the tenderness, of man.
"The same gentleman-errant, entering into a wood on a summer's evening,
found himself entangled among nets of green thread that, here and there,
hung from tree to tree; and conceiving it some matter of purposed
conjuration, pushed valorously forward to break through the enchantment.
Hereupon some beautiful shepherdesses interposed with a cry, and
besought him to spare the implements of their innocent recreation. The
knight, surprised and charmed by the vision, replied,--Fair creatures!
my province is to protect, not to injure; to seek all means of service,
but never of offence, more especially to any of your sex and apparent
excellences. Your pretty nets take up but a small piece of favored
ground; but, did they inclose the world, I would seek out new worlds,
whereby I might win a passage, rather than break them.
"Two very lovely but shamefaced girls had a cause, of some consequence,
depending at Westminster, that indispensably required their personal
appearance. They were relations of Sir Joseph Jeckel, and, on this
tremendous occasion, requested his company and countenance at the court.
Sir Joseph attended accordingly; and the cause being opened, the judge
demanded whether he was to entitle those ladies by the denomination of
spinsters. 'No, my Lord,' said Sir Joseph; 'they are lilies of the
valley, they toil not, neither do they spin, yet you see that no
monarch, in all his glory, was ever arrayed like one of these.'
"Another very peculiar characteristic of a gentleman is, the giving
place and yielding to all with whom he has to do. Of this we have a
shining and affecting instance in Abraham, perhaps the most accomplished
character that may be found in history, whether sacred or profane. A
contention had arisen between the herdsmen of Abraham and the herdsmen
of his nephew, Lot, respecting the propriety of the pasture of the
lands wherein they dwelled, that could now scarce contain the abundance
of their cattle. And those servants, as is universally the case, had
respectively endeavored to kindle and inflame their masters with their
own passions. When Abraham, in consequence of this, perceived that the
countenance of Lot began to change toward him, he called, and generously
expostulated with him as followeth: 'Let there be no strife, I pray
thee, between me and thee, or between my herdsmen and thy herdsmen; for
we be brethren. If it be thy desire to separate thyself from me, is not
the whole land before thee? If thou wilt take the left hand, then will I
go to the right; or if thou depart to the right hand, then I will go to
the left.'
"Another capital quality of the true gentleman is, that of feeling
himself concerned and interested in others. Never was there so
benevolent, so affecting, so pathetic a piece of oratory exhibited upon
earth, as that of Abraham's pleading with God for averting the judgments
that then impended over Sodom. But the matter is already so generally
celebrated, that I am constrained to refer my reader to the passage at
full; since the smallest abridgment must deduct from its beauties, and
that nothing can be added to the excellences thereof.
"Honor, again, is said, in Scripture, peculiarly to distinguish the
character of a gentleman; where it is written of Sechem, the son of
Hamor, 'that he was more honorable than all the house of his father.'
"From hence it may be inferred, that human excellence, or human
amiableness, doth not so much consist in a freedom from frailty as in
our recovery from lapses, our detestation of our own transgressions,
and our desire of atoning, by all possible means, the injuries we have
done, and the offences we have given. Herein, therefore, may consist the
very singular distinction which the great apostle makes between his
estimation of a just and of a good man. 'For a just or righteous man,'
says he, 'one would grudge to die; but for a good man one would even
dare to die.' Here the just man is supposed to adhere strictly to the
rule of right or equity, and to exact from others the same measure that
he is satisfied to mete; but the good man, though occasionally he may
fall short of justice, has, properly speaking, no measure to his
benevolence, his general propensity is to give more than the due. The
just man condemns, and is desirous of punishing the transgressors of the
line prescribed to himself; but the good man, in the sense of his own
falls and failings, gives latitude, indulgence, and pardon to others; he
judges, he condemns no one save himself. The just man is a stream that
deviates not to the right or left from its appointed channel, neither is
swelled by the flood of passion above its banks; but the heart of the
good man, the man of honor, the gentleman, is as a lamp lighted by the
breath of GOD, and none save GOD himself can set limits to the efflux or
irradiations thereof.
"Again, the gentleman never envies any superior excellence, but grows
himself more excellent, by being the admirer, promoter, and lover
thereof. Saul said to his son Jonathan, 'Thou son of the perverse,
rebellious woman, do not I know that thou hast chosen the son of Jesse
to thine own confusion? For as long as the son of Jesse liveth upon the
ground, thou shalt not be established, nor thy kingdom; wherefore send
and fetch him unto me, for he shall surely die.' Here every interesting
motive that can possibly be conceived to have an influence on man,
united to urge Jonathan to the destruction of David; he would thereby
have obeyed his king, and pacified a father who was enraged against him.
He would thereby have removed the only luminary that then eclipsed the
brightness of his own achievements. And he saw, as his father said, that
the death of David alone could establish the kingdom in himself and his
posterity. But all those considerations were of no avail to make
Jonathan swerve from honor, to slacken the bands of his faith, or cool
the warmth of his friendship. O Jonathan! the sacrifice which thou then
madest to virtue, was incomparably more illustrious in the sight of God
and his angels than all the subsequent glories to which David attained.
What a crown was thine, 'Jonathan, when thou wast slain in thy high
places!'
"Saul of Tarsus had been a man of bigotry, blood, and violence; making
havoc, and breathing out threatenings and slaughter, against all who
were not of his own sect and persuasion. But, when the spirit of that
INFANT, who laid himself in the manger of human flesh, came upon him, he
acquired a new heart and a new nature; and he offered himself a willing
subject to all the sufferings and persecutions which he had brought upon
others.
"Saul from that time, exemplified in his own person, all those qualities
of the gentleman, which he afterwards specifies in his celebrated
description of that charity, which, as he says, alone endureth forever.
When Festus cried with a loud voice, 'Paul, thou art beside thyself,
much learning doth make thee mad;' Paul stretched the hand, and
answered, 'I am not mad, most noble Festus, but speak forth the words of
truth and soberness. For the king knoweth of these things, before whom
also I speak freely; for I am persuaded that none of these things are
hidden from him. King Agrippa, believest thou the prophets? I know that
thou believest.' Then Agrippa said unto Paul, 'Almost thou persuadest me
to be a Christian.' And Paul said, 'I would to God that not only thou,
but also all that hear me this day, were not only almost but altogether
such as I am,--except these bonds.' Here, with what an inimitable
elegance did this man, in his own person, at once sum up the orator, the
saint, and the gentleman!
"From these instances, my friend, you must have seen that the character,
or rather quality of a GENTLEMAN, does not, in any degree, depend on
fashion or mode, on station or opinion; neither changes with customs,
climate, or ages. But, as the Spirit of God can alone inspire it into
man, so it is, as God is the same, yesterday, to-day, and forever."
In concluding this chapter I would say:
"In the common actions and transactions of life, there is a wide
distinction between the well-bred and the ill-bred. If a person of the
latter sort be in a superior condition in life, his conduct towards
those below him, or dependent upon him, is marked by haughtiness, or by
unmannerly condescension. In the company of his equals in station and
circumstances, an ill-bred man is either captious and quarrelsome, or
offensively familiar. He does not consider that:
'The man who hails you Tom or Jack,
And proves, by thumps upon your back,
How he esteems your merit,
Is such a friend, that one had need
Be very much a friend indeed,
To pardon or to bear it.'
"And if a man void of good breeding have to transact business with a
superior in wealth or situation, it is more than likely that he will be
needlessly humble, unintentionally insolent, or, at any rate, miserably
embarrassed. On the contrary, a well-bred person will instinctively
avoid all these errors. 'To inferiors, he will speak kindly and
considerately, so as to relieve them from any feeling of being beneath
him in circumstances. To equals, he will be plain, unaffected, and
courteous. To superiors, he will know how to show becoming respect,
without descending to subserviency or meanness. In short, he will act a
manly, inoffensive, and agreeable part, in all the situations in life in
which he may be placed.'"