"You must surely be tired by this time, ma'am, of this long-winded yarn
of mine?" said the commander of the _Gloucester_ to the elder of his
fair listeners, next evening they met with the evident expectation of
hearing further; "but after all, this voyage must be dull work for you
at present, so I daresay you are amused with anything by way of a
change.
"Well, one morning, when Westwood and I went on deck, it was a stark
staring calm; as dead as a mill-pond, save for the long winding heave
that seemed to come miles up out of the stale blue water, and get tired
with the journey--from the horizon to us in one lazy coil, and on every
side, just serving to jerk the wheel a spoke back and forward, with
nobody at it. The very bits of pumpkin-paring and fat which the cook had
thrown overboard the night before lay still alongside, with an oily
track oozing round about them from the 'slush'[14]--the sails hanging
from the yards, up and down, like clothes on a screen--and when you
looked over the side away from the sun, you saw your own face, like a
fellow's that had been long drowned, peering back at you, as it were,
round the keel--in fact, there you scarce knew where the water _was_.
[14] Cook's grease.
"Somehow or other the ship kept sheering round, by little and little,
till, although one had chosen a shady spot, all of a sudden the blazing
sun came right into his eyes; or the single streak of white cloud lying
behind you, to starboard, a while after stuck itself before your face
from the very opposite quarter--you fancying, too, you had your eye the
whole time on the same bit of water. Being lost in a wood or a fog was
nothing to it, especially with the sun at noon drawn up right overhead,
so that you couldn't look aloft, and staring down into the sea out of a
pool of bright light; 'like one tremendously keen little eye,' as some
of the passengers said, 'examining a big blind one.' 'Why,' put in one
of the writers, 'I fear he wants to take the _mote_ out of his brother's
eye--this vessel, that is to say!' 'Hang it, I hope not!' said
Winterton, rather alarmed. 'He promises well to do it, then,' said
another young civilian, 'but I wish he'd take the _beam_ out of his own
first, ha, Smythe?' However, few men have the spirit to laugh at little
in a calm near the Line, so Smythe gave no more than a sickly grin,
while Westwood looked the clergyman very properly.
"Both passengers and crew, all of us that could swim, gave wistful looks
now and then alongside at the water, hot as it seemed, for a bathe; just
floating up, as it were, with the mere huge size of it, under a dazzle
of light, and so blue and smooth you couldn't see a hair's-breadth
below; while, a bit off, the face of it and the very air appeared to
dance and quiver like little streams of glass. However, all thoughts of
bathing were put out of your head when you saw the black three-cornered
affair, with a rake aft, somewhat like the end of a scythe, that went
steering slowly round us; then cruising hither and thither, till its
infernal horn was as dry as the deck; and at times driving straight off,
as if it ran in a groove through the level surface; when back again it
came from the other side, creeping lazily towards us, till it sank with
a light _tip_, and a circle or two on the blue water. The hook and chain
were hanging up and down over the taffrail, with the piece of rank pork
looking green in the shadow near the rudder, where you read the white
figures of her draught as plain as in dock; but the shark, a
fifteen-feet customer, if he was an inch, was too knowing to have
touched it.
"'Pity he's gone, Collins,' said Ford to me, after we had watched him at
last out of sight; 'wasn't there any plan of catching him, I wonder! Now
we shall have a bathe though, at any rate.' 'Gone?' said I, 'he won't
leave us in a hurry, if we don't leave _him_!' 'Poh, man!' said Ford, 'I
tell you he's tired out and gone away!' Five minutes after Ford was
leaning over the quarter and wiping his face, while he fanned himself
with his straw hat, which fell out of his hand into the water. He had
got over into the mizzen-chains to throw a line round it, when he gave a
loud shriek, and jumped in-board again. Two or three fathoms of green
came up from the keel, balancing on a pair of broad fins under Ford's
hat, and a big round snout touched it; then a dozen feet of white belly
gleamed in the water, the hat gave a gulp as it was drawn down, and a
few small air-bells rose to the top. 'He prefers some flavours to
others, you see, Ford,' said I. ''Tis the second hat I've seen you lose:
I hope your head won't be in the _third_; but you mariners, you see----'
However, Ford had bolted to his cabin.
"On turning round I perceived Miss Hyde, with the general's lady, under
the awning on the other side, where the old lady leant against a
cushion, with her hands crossed and her bonnet strings loose--though a
strapping raw-boned Irishwoman she was--and kept Miss Hyde's maid
fanning her from behind with a large feather _punkah_. The old lady had
started at Ford's cry, and gave a look round at me, half fierce and half
orderly, as if she expected to know what was the matter at once. 'Only
my friend lost his hat, ma'am,' said I, stepping forward. 'These cadets
are so 'tagious, my dear!' said she to the young lady, falling back
again without the least more notice of me. 'They plague the life of me,
but the brigadier can't drill them as he would if this were a
troopship--I wish he could, for the sake of the profession!--now, my
dear, _you_ kape out of the s-hun!' However, I stuck where I was,
fancying I caught the slightest bit of an arch twinkle in the corner of
the young lady's eye, though she didn't look at me. 'Keep going, can't
ye!' said the old lady crossly to the maid. 'No, ma'am, indeed!' said
the girl, glancing over to her young mistress, 'I'm ready to drop!'
'Send up papa's _kitmagar_, then, Wilkins,' said Miss Hyde; and the girl
went off toward the gallery stair, muttering she 'hoped she didn't
come--here to be--made a black Indian slave of--at least to a old'--the
remainder being lost in the stair.
"As I leant on the rail-netting, behind the old lady, I happened to
tread on her fat pug-dog's tail, whereupon the ugly brute made its teeth
meet, without further notice, in the small of my leg, after which it
gave a yelp, and ran beneath the chairs. 'What's that, Die?' exclaimed
its mistress; 'good hivens! is that same griffin here _yet_, my dear!
Hadn't he ayven the spirit to take a hint?--I say, was it _you_ hurt
Dianny, young man?' 'Oh dear no, ma'am, not for the world!' said I,
looking at my trousers, hard as the thing was to stand, but thinking to
smooth her over, though I wasn't quite up to the old Irishwoman it
turned out. 'Ha! ha! so she bit you?' said she, with a flash of her
hawk's eye, and leaning back again coolly. 'If he'd only kicked poor Die
for it under my chair now, I'd have forgiven him; but he hadn't ayven
the heart at the time to drop her a curse--and _I_ thinking all the
while, too, by the luke of his eye he was from the County Clare! My
heart warms to the County Clare always, because, although I'm not Irish
myself, you know, I'd once a schoolfellow was born in it--without
counting all my relations! Oh, the smooth spalpeen!' continued she,
harder than before, glancing at me as I looked all abroad from one to
the other; 'listen, niver you let that fellow spake to you, my dear!
he's too----' But here I walked quietly off to put the poop's length
betwixt me and the talking old vixen, cursing her and her dog both,
quite enough to have pleased her Irish fancy.
"On the quarter-deck, the judge and the general seemed really to enjoy
the heat and quiet, sitting with their feet up before the round-house,
and smoking their long red twisted hookahs, while they watched the
wreaths of smoke go whirling straight up from the bowls to the awning,
and listened to the faint bubble of it through the water in the bottles,
just dropping a word now and then to each other. A tall, thin 'native'
servant with long sooty hair hanging from his snow-white turban, stood
behind the judge's chair, bolt upright, with his arms folded, and twice
as solemn as Sir Charles himself; you saw a stern-window shining far
abaft, through one of the round-house doors, and the fat old fellow of a
_consumah_[15] busy laying the cloth for tiffin, while the sole breath
of air there was came out of thereaway.
[15] East Indian steward.
"Suddenly eight bells struck, and everyone seemed glad of something
new; the judge's _consumah_ came out salaaming to say tiffin was ready;
the cuddy passengers went below for wine-and-water and biscuit; and the
men were at dinner. There being nothing to take care of on deck, and
the heat of course getting greater, not a soul stayed up but myself;
but I preferred at the moment lighting a cheroot, and going up aft
to see clear of the awnings. The cockatoo had been left on the
poop-rail, with its silver chain hitched round one of the mizzen
back-stays, where it shifted from one leg to the other, hooked itself
up the back-stay as far as it could go, then hurried down again, and
mused a bit, as wise as Solomon--then screamed out at the top of its
voice--'Tip--tip--pr-r-retty cacka--tippoo--cok-ka--whee-yew-ew-ew!'
finishing by a whistle of triumph fit to have split one's ears, or
brought a gale of wind--though not on account of skill in its books, at
any rate. Again it took to swinging quietly head-down, at furious rate,
and then slewed upright to plume its feathers, and shake the pink tuft
on its head.
"No sooner had I got up the stair, however, than, to my perfect delight,
I saw Violet Hyde was still sitting aft, and the old Irishwoman gone; so
I stepped to the taffrail at once, and, for something to be about, I
hauled up the shark-hook from astern. The moment I caught her eye, the
young lady smiled--by way of making up, no doubt, for the old one. 'How
_very_ solitary it is!' said she, rising and looking out; 'the ship
almost seems deserted, except by us!' 'By Jove! I almost wish it were,'
thought I. 'A dead calm, madam,' I said, 'and likely to hold--the
under-swell's gone quite down, and a haze growing.' 'Are we sure _ever_
to leave this spot then?' asked she, with a slight look of anxiety.
'Never fear it, ma'am,' said I; 'as soon as the haze melts again, we're
near a breeze, I assure you--only, by the length of the calm and the
heat together, not to speak of our being so far to east'ard, I'm afraid
we mayn't get rid of it without a gale at the end to match.' 'Indeed?'
said Miss Hyde.
"The fact was, Westwood and I had been keeping a log, and calculated
just now we were somewhere to south-eastward of Ascension; whereas, by
the captain and mate's reckoning she was much farther to west.
"'I never thought the sea could appear so dreadful,' said she, as if to
herself--'much more than in a storm.' 'Why, madam,' said I, 'you
haven't exactly seen one this voyage--one needs to be close-hauled off
the Cape for that.'
"Somehow or other, in speaking to _her_, by this time I forgot entirely
about keeping up the sham cadet, and slipped into my own way again; so
all at once I _felt_ her two dark-blue eyes looking at me curiously.
'How!--why,' exclaimed she suddenly, and then laughing, 'you seem to
know all about it!--why, you speak--have you been studying sea affairs
so thoroughly, sir, with your friend, who--but I _do_ think, now, one
can scarcely _trust_ to what you have said?' 'Well--why--well,' said I,
fiddling with the shark-hook, 'I don't know how it is, but I feel as if
I must have been at sea some time or other before; you wouldn't suppose
it, ma'am, but whenever I fix my eyes on a particular rope, I seem
almost to know the name of it.' 'And its _use_ too?' asked she, merrily.
'I shouldn't wonder!' said I; 'perhaps I was _born_ at sea, you know,
madam!' and I gave a side-look to notice how she took it. 'Ah! perhaps!'
said Miss Hyde, laughing: 'but do you know one sometimes fancies these
things; and now I think of it, sir, I even imagined for a moment I had
seen _yourself_ before!' 'Oh,' said I, 'that couldn't be the case; I'm
sure, for my part, I should recollect clear enough if I'd seen--a--a
_lady_ anywhere! I think you said something of the kind, ma'am, that
night of the last squall--about the water and the clouds, ma'am, you
remember?' The young lady looked away, though a notion seemed to flash
through her mind. 'Yes,' said she, 'that terrible rain, _you_ were----'
'Washed into the lee-scuppers,' said I, indifferently, for I didn't want
her to suspect it was _I_ that had kissed her hand in the dark as I
carried her in. 'I hope Sir Charles and yourself got in safe, Miss
Hyde?' However, she was watching the water alongside, and suddenly she
exclaimed, 'Dear! what a pretty little fish!' 'By heavens!' said I,
seeing the creature with its sharp nose and blue bars, as it glanced
about near the surface, and then swam in below the ship's bilge again,
'that's one of the old villain's pilots--he's lying right across our
keel! I wish I could catch that shark!'
"The pork was of no use for such an old sea-lawyer, and I cast a wistful
eye on the Irishwoman's fat pug-dog stretched asleep on her shawl by the
bulwark; 'he'd take _that_ in a trice though!' I even laid out some
marline from a stern-locker, and noticed how neatly one could pass the
hook under her belly round to the tail, and seize her so snugly on,
muzzled and all; but it was no go, with the devil to pay afterwards. All
of a sudden I heard somebody hawking and spitting above the awning
forward, near where the cockatoo kept still trying to master his own
name. 'The Yankee, for a thousand!' thought I; 'is Daniel trying to walk
along the spanker-boom?' Next, someone sung out, 'Hal-loo-oo-oo!' as if
there was a tomahawk over him, ready to split his brain. Miss Hyde
looked alarmed, when the Scotch mate, as I thought, roared, 'Shiver my
tops'ls!' Then it was a sailor hailing gruffly, 'Bloody Capting
Brown--bloody Capting Brown--Capting Brown!'
"'Somebody drunk aloft!' thought I, walking forward to see; when a funny
little black head peeped round the awning with a yellow nose as sharp as
a marling-spike, and red spectacles, seemingly, round its keen little
eyes; then, with a flutter and a hop, the steward's pet mina-bird[16]
came down, and lighted just under the cockatoo. 'Ha!' said I, laughing,
'it's only Parson Barnacle!' as the men called him--a sooty little
creature scarce bigger than a blackbird, with a white spot on each wing,
and a curious pair of natural glasses on his head, which they kept in
the forecastle and taught all sorts of 'jaw,' till they swore he could
have put the ship about, took kindly to tar, and hunted the cockroaches
like a cat.
[16] _Mina-bird_, or grakle, a frequent pet in homeward-bound
East-Indiamen, and singular for its mimetic faculty; but impudent,
and, from educational disadvantages, not particularly select in its
expressions: appearance as described by the lieutenant.
"No doubt he was glad to meet his countryman the cockatoo, but Tippoo
stuck up his crest, swelled his chops, and looked dreadfully frightened;
while the mina-bird cocked his head on one side, gave a knowing wink as
it were, though all the time as grave, with his spectacles, as a real
parson. 'How's her head?' croaked he, in a voice like a quartermaster's;
'blowing hard!' 'Old Capting Brown!' and hopped nearer to the poor
cockatoo, who could stand it no longer, but hooked himself up the
back-stay as fast as possible, out of sight, the chain running with him;
and just as I swung myself clear of the awning to run aloft for a catch
of it, out flew Parson Barnacle to the end of the crojack-yard, while
the cockatoo gave a flap that loosed the _kitmagar's_ lubberly hitch,
and sent him down with his wings spread on the water.
"At another time it wouldn't have cost me a thought to go head-foremost
after him, when I heard his young mistress exclaiming, 'Oh, poor dear
Tippoo will be drowned!' but recollecting our hungry green friend on the
other side, I jumped down for the end of a rope to slip myself quietly
alongside with. However, at the very moment, Tom, the man-o'-war's-man,
happening to come up from the forehatchway to throw something overboard,
and seeing Miss Hyde's cockatoo, off went his shoes and jacket at once,
and I heard the splash as he struck the water. I had scarce time to
think, either, before I saw Mick O'Hooney's red head shoot up on deck,
and heard him sing out, 'Man overboard, be the powers, boys! Folly my
lader! Hurroo!' and over he sprang. 'Here's dip,' said another, and in
half a minute every man that could swim was floundering in the smooth
water alongside, or his head showing as it came up--pitching the
cockatoo to each other, and all ready to enjoy their bathe; though, for
my part, I made but one spring to the ship's starboard quarter, to use
the only chance of saving the thoughtless fellows from a bloody fate to
some of them.
"I knew the shark would be cautious at first, on such a sudden to-do,
and I had marked his whereabouts while the men were well toward the
bows; and 'hang it,' thought I, seeing the old woman's fat pug in my
way, 'Dianny, or die all; I bear no malice, but you must go for it, my
beauty!' As quick as thought, I made one turn of marline round her nose,
took off the pork, and lashed her fast on to the hook all standing, in
spite of her squeaks; then twisted the lady's shawl round the chain for
a blind to it, and flung the whole right over the larboard quarter,
where I guessed the old fellow would be slewing round astern to have a
look out before he went fairly in chase. I watched the line sink slowly
with the weight over the gunwale for half a minute, afraid to let him
see my head, and trembling for fear I should hear a cry from one of the
men: when jerk went the rope clear of a belaying-pin as he ran off with
his bait. I took a quick turn to hook him smartly in the throat, and
then eased off again till the 'cleets' brought him up with a 'surge' fit
to have parted the line, had it not been good new inch-and-a-half
rope--though, as it was, the big Indiaman would soon have sheered
stern-round to the force of it, if he'd only pulled fair.
"The young lady stood noticing what I did, first in a perplexed sort of
a way, and then with no little surprise, especially when the shark gave
every now and then a fiercer tug, as he took a sweep astern; by this
time, however, everybody was on deck in a crowd, the passengers all in a
flurry, and half of the men scrambling up from alongside to tail on to
the line, and run him out of water. So away they went with it full-speed
towards the bows, as soon as the ladies were out of the way--dragging
two or three cadets back-foremost, head over heels, down the poop
stair--till, in spite of his tugging, the shark's round snout showed
over the taffrail, with the mouth wide open under his chin, as it were,
and one row of teeth laid flat behind another, like a comb-maker's
shop-counter. A running bowline passed round his handsome waist, then
another pull, and over he came on the poop, floundering fourteen feet
long, and flourishing his tail for room, till the carpenter chopped it
across, in a lucky moment with his axe.
"All hands gathered round the shark to see him cut up, which was as good
as a play to them, becalmed as we were; when, to my no small dismay, I
heard Mrs Brigadier Brady's loud voice asking where her dog was; and the
brigadier himself, who seemed more afraid of his wife than anybody else,
kept poking about with his red-faced English butler to find the animal.
'For God's sake,' said he, in a half whisper, twenty times over,
'haven't ye seen Mrs Brady's dog, any of ye?--she'll rout the ship
inside out for it, captain, if we don't soon ase her mind.' However, I
knew only Miss Hyde was aware who caught the shark, and as she didn't
appear to have told, why of course I kept all fast myself. 'Here's a
'baccy-box!' sung out the big old boatswain, standing astride over the
tail, while the cook and his black mate ripped away from the tail up.
'Hand over, if ye please, sir,' said 'ugly' Harry, 'it's mine, Mr
Burton!' Harry gave it a wipe on his knee, and coolly bit a quid off the
end of his lost pigtail. The next thing was Ford's hat, which no one
claimed, so black Sambo clapped it on his woolly head.
"'What's that you've got there now, Sambo?' said the boatswain: 'out
with it, my lad!' 'Golly!' chuckled the nigger, rolling the whites of
his eyes and grinning like mad; 'oh sar, Misser Barton! dis 'ere shark
riglar navligator! I 'clare to you, sar, um got chr'ometer aboard. Oh
gum; berry much t'ink dis your own lost silber tickler, Misser Barton.'
'Bless me, so it is, my lad,' said the boatswain, as the black handed
him a silver watch as big as a turnip, and he looked at the cook, who
was busy fumbling with his knife. 'Sorry as you was _taxed_ with it,
doctor,'[17] said he, doubtfully; 'well, I'm blowed, though, it only
goes an hour and a half--and here it's a-ticking yet.' Here a burst of
laughter went round, and somebody sung out, 'Maybe the ould pawn-broking
Judas of a shark winded it up hisself, just to mark the time o' his
"goin' off the hooks."' 'I say, doctor,' hailed another, 'too bad, ain't
it though, to cut up _your uncle_?' 'Ha, ha, ha,' cried the cadets and
writers, looking at the Scotch surgeon; 'd' ye hear that, doctor? I
wouldn't stand it. They say you ain't particular in Edinbro', though.
Some rum mistakes happened there, eh, doctor?'
[17] Familiar metonymy, or nickname, at sea, for the ship's cook.
"The Scotchman got into a passion at this, being the worst cut they
could give any fellow from a country where they were famous for kindred
and body-snatching at once--but all of a sudden there was a 'Hulloo!
Shiver my taw'sels! What's this? Let's see'; and the whole poopful of us
were shoving together, and jumping on each other's shoulders to have a
look. 'Well, we-ell,' said the old boatswain, as he peered curiously
into the mess of shark's bowels--'I'll be blowed.' 'The likes o' that
now!' croaked the old sailmaker, lifting up his two hands, ''tain't
lucky, Mr Burton!' 'My eye! them's not young _sharks_, anyhow!' said one
of the men. 'What's t'ou think they be, mun,' said the north-country
Chips, 'but litter o' young blind poops? an' here's t' ou'd un, see, as
deed's mutton! Dang him, but someun's got an' baited t' hook wi't,
there's nou't else in 's guts.'
"The whole poop was one roar of laughing, when Mrs Brady's pug was found
delivered of four pups inside the shark, since she went overboard, and
two of 'em alive; the news ran fore and aft in a moment. '_Took short_
she's been, Jack!' said one. 'Beats the prophet Joney!' 'I say, mate,
them whelps is born twice over. Blessed if my Sal at home, now, wouldn't
give a year's 'lotment for one on 'em.'
"'Look out, all hands of ye,' cried someone, 'there's the old girl
herself coming on deck; sharp's the word.' And away we scuttled right
and left, some aloft, and some down one poop-ladder, as Mrs Brady, with
the brigadier and his butler after her, came fuming up the other. The
black made one spring over the quarter as soon as he saw her; but the
Irish topman, Mick, slipped his foot amongst the shark's blood, and
rolled on his back, while the old bo'sun made stand in the thick of it
behind. 'Saze the villains, I charge ye, brigadier,' screamed Mrs Brady,
though he and his manservant only kept dodging the boatswain round a
sort of a quagmire of blood and grease, while the old vixen caught Mick
by his red hair and whiskers. 'Where's my dog, ye murderous spalpeen?'
said she, panting for breath; 'what have ye done with my Dianny, ye
monsther? Spake, or I'll----' 'Be the holy elaven thousand, yer
ladyship!' said Mick, 'an' it's _lost_ did ye think she wor! Isn't there
_five_ of 'em back! Whisper! yer ladyship's riv'rence--she's _laid in_,
poor craythure, an'----' '_Oh!_ you Irish thief!' Tug came both Mrs
Brady's hands through his hair, while the butler caught a kick in the
stomach from Mick's foot. 'Murther!' gasped the poor fellow, 'sure an' I
dun' know she was ayven a faym'le, fur me own part; bad luck t' ye
mates, give uz a hand. Och, an' is this the road ye thrate a
counthryman, mim?' '_Me_ your countryman! ye bog-trottin' wretch ye!'
screamed the old fury, her brogue getting worse the more she
heated--'take _that_!--don't rise, if ye dare.' 'Faix thin, yer ladyship
darlin',' said O'Hooney, grinning in spite of his hard usage, 'I tould a
lie--och, lave some o' me hair!--murther intirely! I'm----'
"All the time none of us could stir for sheer laughing, but seeing poor
Mike like to fare hard with the old vixen, who was near as big as
himself, and as strong as a horse, I whispered to the men to run round
and let go the poop awning--so down it came, with a few buckets of water
in it, over the five of them; and you just saw Mrs Brady's sharp elbow
through the canvas, lifted for the next slap, when we had her all fast,
struggling like a cat in a bag, while O'Hooney and the boatswain crept
out below. 'Stiff breeze that as we've had!' said the bo'sun shaking
himself on the forecastle. 'Couldn't ye've bowsed over on the old jade's
pitticuts, Mick?' said one of his shipmates, 'and capsized her all
standing?' 'Sorra fut you'd stir, yourself, mate,' said he, wiping his
face, 'wid such a shay grinnydeer! she'd man-handle ye as asy's twurl a
mop!'