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THE
_Good Housekeeping_
MARRIAGE BOOK
THE CONTRIBUTORS
_Ernest R. Groves_
_James L. McConaughy_
_Ellsworth Huntington_
_Eleanor Roosevelt_
_Gladys Hoagland Groves_
_Elizabeth Bussing_
_Jessie Marshall_
_Hornell Hart_
_Frances Bruce Strain_
_William Lyon Phelps_
_Stanley G. Dickinson_
THE
_Good Housekeeping_
MARRIAGE BOOK7
_Twelve Steps to a Happy Marriage_
EDITED BY
_William F. Bigelow_
FORMER EDITOR _Good Housekeeping_ MAGAZINE
FOREWORD
_by Helen Judy Bond_
GARDEN CITY PUBLISHING CO., INC.
_Garden City, New York_
Garden City Publishing Co. REPRINT EDITION, 1949, by special
arrangement with Prentice-Hall, Inc.
Copyright, 1938, by
PRENTICE-HALL, INC.
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. NO PART OF THIS BOOK MAY BE REPRODUCED
IN ANY FORM, BY MIMEOGRAPH OR ANY OTHER
MEANS, WITHOUT PERMISSION IN WRITING FROM THE PUBLISHERS.
PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
_William F. Bigelow_
_Introduction_
The articles that are printed in this book made what was in my opinion
the most important, the most constructive, series on a single subject
that _Good Housekeeping_ has published in the quarter century and more
that I was its editor. And they might so easily never have been
written--just a little item in a newspaper missed, or its significance
overlooked, and these sincere and helpful articles would still be locked
up in the minds and hearts of the men and women who wrote them. For it
all happened just like that. Students in one of the larger California
universities asked that a course in marriage relations be given--and a
New York newspaper heralded it with a stick of type over about page 10.
Somehow the item impressed me deeply. Here were thousands of students of
both sexes, thinking of marriage, physically impelled toward marriage,
admitting that they wanted more information about marriage before
undertaking it. Add to these students the hundreds of thousands in other
colleges and to them the millions of young men and young women outside
of college--and there was Youth itself, visioning marriage as the Great
Adventure, which no one should miss, but about which there were grave
reports.
I have heard lots about Youth in recent years--its lackadaisical
attitude toward all serious things, its tendency to look the moral code
straight in the eye and smash it, its belief that chastity isn't worth
its cost or success in marriage worth working for. And I had disbelieved
much that I had heard, it having been my privilege to work with and for
young people in high school and college over a long period of years. I
knew that Youth is looking for something better than it is being given
in either precept or example. And so this request of a group of college
young people seemed to me to be both a challenge and an opportunity.
I accepted the challenge. The next step was to find out how best to meet
it. It seemed to me that to offer our young people anything less than
the best that I could get would be letting them down. So I turned for
advice to several college men who had made a long study of the problems
involved in marriage, and from the various lists of subjects and authors
suggested--adding a few of my own--selected the group now presented in
permanent form in this book. If these articles make success in marriage
seem something that must constantly be worked for, they at the same time
show that success, plus the happiness that goes with it, can be
achieved. Which is all, I think, that any man or woman has a right to
ask for.
WILLIAM F. BIGELOW
Helen Judy Bond
Foreword
If by some strange chance, not a vestige of us descended to the
remote future save a pile of our schoolbooks or some examination
papers, we may imagine how puzzled an antiquarian of the period
would be on finding in them no indication that the learners were
ever likely to be parents. "This must have been the curriculum for
their celibates," we may fancy him concluding. "I perceive here an
elaborate preparation for many things; especially for reading the
books of extinct nations and of coexisting nations (from which,
indeed, it seems clear that these people had very little worth
reading in their own tongue); but I find no reference whatever to
the bringing up of children. They could not have been so absurd as
to omit all training for this gravest of responsibilities.
Evidently, then, this was the school course of one of their
monastic orders."
HERBERT SPENCER
This quotation from the pen of Herbert Spencer arrested our attention
this winter when we were reading a number of books dealing with various
epoch-making periods in the development of educational method and
theory.
We closed the book and pondered over the inferences made by this leader
and we began to speculate on what an antiquarian of the present period
might say of our textbooks, our curricula, and our examination papers.
We hope in his search that it might be his good fortune to unearth the
syllabi of some of our courses on Education for Marriage and Family
Life, some of the worthwhile literature which is being written on the
subject, even perhaps the _Good Housekeeping Marriage Book_. If these
happened to be the only remaining record of the period, we might fancy
him concluding, "Ah, what an enlightened people there must have been in
the twentieth century. I perceive here preparation for real life
problems. This must have been a school course for all the Youth of that
generation."
This volume represents a definite step in the advancement of this ideal.
We wish to express to Dr. William F. Bigelow, former Editor of _Good
Housekeeping_, our sincere appreciation for the kindly way in which he
received the idea of publishing these valuable articles in permanent
form and his readiness to help in every way possible in carrying this
idea through to completion.
To each author we wish to express our gratitude for the important
contribution he has made, not only in giving new interpretation and new
meaning to the institution of marriage, but also for rendering valuable
assistance in the solution of many of the problems which confront the
Youth of today as they approach this most challenging, most demanding,
most satisfying and most rewarding of Life's experiences.
H. J. B.
Table of Contents
CHAPTER PAGE
Introduction--Dr. William F. Bigelow v
Foreword--Helen Judy Bond vii
I. When He Comes A-Courting--Dr. Ernest R. Groves 1
II. Now That You Are Engaged--Dr. James L. McConaughy 13
III. Ought I to Marry?--Dr. Ellsworth Huntington 27
IV. Should Wives Work?--Eleanor Roosevelt 43
V. Learning to Live Together--Gladys Hoagland Groves 54
VI. Marriage Makes the Money Go--Elizabeth Bussing 66
VII. Children? Of Course!--Jessie Marshall, M. D 80
VIII. Detour Around Reno--Dr. Hornell Hart 97
IX. Sex Instruction in the Home--Frances Bruce Strain 111
X. Religion in the Home--William Lyon Phelps 126
XI. It Pays to be Happily Married--Stanley G. Dickinson 140
XII. The Case for Monogamy--Dr. Ernest R. Groves and Gladys H. Groves 154
_Dr. Ernest R. Groves_
CHAPTER ONE
_When He Comes A-Courting_
Never were American young people more conscious of the challenge of
marriage. They are not willing to accept the idea they have often heard
expressed by their elders that marriage is a lottery. Neither do they
believe that when they marry, they are given a blank check which permits
them to draw from the bank of happiness as they please. Instead, even
though they do not know how to go about it, they feel more and more that
there is something they need to do to give themselves a fair chance of
achieving success. A mere acquiescent waiting for Fate to come and lead
them into paradise is contrary to their spirit. They seek as best they
know how some way of finding their proper mate and some means of
becoming equal to the testing that even the most reckless of them in
their better moments realize that marriage is sure to bring.
This fact-facing of the marriage problem shows, more fully than anything
else could, how much our youth today are expecting from marriage. Even
those marriages that peter out and sink to a barren drabness started
out with high hopes, and, although the victims may not know what brought
about their mishap, they generally feel there was blundering somewhere
and that this need not have happened.
Some young people grow cynical because they are so familiar with
matrimonial failures; but most of them, even when they have noticed that
many of their friends are unhappily married, become more determined to
find, if they can, the secret of success. This leads them to ask for
help, for insight, and to become fact-seeking with a frankness that
seems to be their most marked characteristic. They have not been led
into this attitude by any influence from their elders; they have
acquired it from their own realistic approach to the marriage problem,
which they clearly see has more emotional meaning than anything else
that is likely to come to them through choice during their lifetime.
This request for help by young people in courtship, in engagement, in
their first years of marriage, and when they plan to assume parenthood,
cannot be met merely by words of caution. They do not welcome just being
told what they should not do. What they seek is positive assistance.
They do not want advice, but they want information and insight. They
have become convinced that there are facts about marriage that people
have learned through experience, especially through the searching of the
scientists, and they ask that they be given the advantage of this
knowledge.
These young men and women do not take kindly to a marriage program which
merely lists the qualities that one ought to find in one's mate. Even
from a very little courtship experience they come to realize that one
does not desire to marry abstract virtues, however desirable, but a
flesh-and-blood person whom one desperately wants. What they seek is a
guidance which will keep them from wanting the kind of person they
should not marry. They expect to fall in love, but hope to escape
immature, untrustworthy emotions. They want to make a grown-up choice or
at least to pick a mate in whose fellowship they can develop the
character they know they need to achieve happiness.
First of all they ask for information that will help them make good use
of their courtship opportunity. They rightly feel that if they blunder
in this period, there is little hope of their making their goal later.
They have grown suspicious of a strong feeling of attachment, because
they have been forced to see in the experiences of many of their friends
that this has not guaranteed later happiness. They expect to have sooner
or later an overwhelming impulse to join their life to that of another
human being, and they ask:
"How can I protect myself from giving my affection to the wrong person?
How can I learn when it is safe to trust my own strong emotions? I know
I shall be just as others are, unable to hold back, blind to the other's
faults, but surely before this happens I can do something that will keep
me from growing fond of a person whom I ought not to marry! People who
study marriage and become familiar with its emotional demands must have
learned some facts that offer guidance in choosing a life mate."
Indeed, there are such, and here are some that prove useful during
courtship, the destiny-deciding period in most people's matrimonial
career:
_1. Don't let yourself fall in love with the first person who comes
along; meet as many young people of the opposite sex as you can._
The young man or young woman should seek to know as many agreeable,
companionable persons of the opposite sex as possible without the
strain of attempting to establish a reputation for popularity. These
acquaintances, as much as possible, should have a background essentially
similar to one's own, and they should be sought as friends rather than
as lovers. It is obvious that one's affection must turn to some one whom
one knows, and before the awakening of strong feeling there should be as
wide an experience--the man with women, and the woman with men--as
possible. He or she who fails to go about with young people, as
opportunity comes, loses the only way there is to gain the knowledge
that is necessary later to make a wise choice of husband or wife.
_2. Don't judge by party manners and dress; everyday life is different._
In this association with members of the opposite sex, the young man or
woman should seek to know, in as many and as everyday situations as
possible, those who prove attractive. The party and the dance need not
be neglected. Anyone who proves interesting at such occasions must,
however, also be known in other more usual and commonplace
circumstances. The mere being with members of the opposite sex will not
in itself bring insight. One must learn to observe the reactions, the
attitudes, the emotional characteristics of anyone whom one likes.
Effort must be made to explore the other's personality, not in a
cold-blooded, analytical way, but naturally and yet with open eyes, so
that there may be genuine understanding of the characteristics of those
who seem to be good candidates for matrimony.
_3. Study your own emotional reactions as you go along; your mate should
bring out the best that is in you._
This association should also help the young man or woman to become
better acquainted with himself or herself. Marriage happiness cannot be
achieved merely by asking that the other give. There must also be one's
own offering in the fellowship. Nothing helps clear up one's own
motives, desires, and preferences so much as contact with others. We
find ourselves liking some people better than others. We learn to
understand ourselves through our own choices. This teaches us that
self-acquaintance which measurably helps in choosing the right mate. It
is particularly important that we see the effect that others have upon
us. What we ourselves possess we are most apt to draw out from others.
The kind of mate we need for happiness is one who stirs up the best in
us, and not merely the most entertaining or the most physically
stimulating of our acquaintances. Matrimony is not a short, hilarious
excursion, but a serious lifetime undertaking.
* * * * *
Another thing we want to learn before we choose our mate is the wearing
character of any courtship candidate.
_4. Does he, or she, wear well? If you are bored now, think of what you
may have to endure later._
Wearing qualities are not so easy to find out as some other things; but,
if we are alert, we can notice whether a friend who has attracted us
holds his own as we go about with him or there is a tendency on our part
toward a letting down of interest. Many of those who lose matrimonial
zest and merely have a tolerable relationship in marriage blunder at
this point. Usually they have not thought of the need of finding out
during courtship whether the friendship that started with promise keeps
its pace; they have been unconscious of the drift toward a less
meaningful relationship, or have assumed that that was an inevitable
result of being together constantly. It is true that the emotions do
somewhat settle themselves, but they do not become weaker because they
are more stable and less violent in expression. Much association with
the right sort of person in courtship should increase rather than
decrease the emotional ties that hold the two young people together.
_5. Will he, or she, grow with you--in mind and in character? If not,
your own growth will make you unhappy._
Another of the more difficult tasks that must be assumed in a wise
courtship program is discovering whether there are in the person one is
beginning to like incentives toward growth. There is one certain thing
in any marriage: it is impossible for those who enter such an alliance
to remain stationary; either they grow in character or they lose ground.
The mere possession of ambition is not evidence of the desire to grow up
emotionally. One has to probe the ideals of the other person. The
question is, "Does he or she have the character-vitality to develop
emotional maturity?" If this is lacking, successful marriage is seldom
achieved, and for one who has gained this trait to be tied to a spouse
who cannot attain it is tragic for the well-matured person.
_6. Will he, or she, put father or mother ahead of wife or husband? Look
out for apron strings._
There is something that the psychiatrist warns us about that we cannot
wisely forget in our courtships. We must free ourselves from
entanglements in our emotional make-up that may have had their beginning
in childhood, and we must especially avoid marrying anyone who has such
liabilities and makes no effort to be rid of them. An example is father
fixation or mother fixation. We all know from experience persons who
cannot grow up from their childhood dependency, and they make very
trying husbands or wives. They are easily spotted if one is only keen in
noticing what takes place, because they are constantly showing their
childishness, and we can be sure that they will continue both to reveal
and to nurse their weakness throughout life in such a way as to be
discouraging and irritating in marriage and parenthood relationships.
_7. Can he, or she, "take it"? You know what they call it in the army._
Although there are many virtues that one would like to find in any
candidate for matrimony, there is one that we must look for seriously;
if it is absent, turn away from an alliance that is almost certain to
fail. That is pluck. Marriage, like life itself, puts upon persons
demands that can be met only by courage. The fair-weather type of person
is certain to be disappointing in the critical, character-revealing
experiences that are bound to arise in marriage and in parenthood. It is
difficult not to grow bitter if one finds himself or herself married to
a mate who does not have the pluck to meet the disappointments, the
hardships, the testing of ideals, that must appear in every husband-wife
relationship.
* * * * *
It would be much easier for young people, we often think, if courtship
did not make its start at the same time that the young man or woman is
feeling in full force the body changes, the nervous readjustments, and
the impulses to escape childhood dependency that come with puberty. The
fact is, however, that our type of courtship largely results from using
the energy of this adolescent upheaval. There is a redirecting of the
forces that mark the awakening of puberty and then start flowing through
the entire personality. Courtship becomes a sublimation, as the
scientist says, a reshaping of this energy so that later there may be a
higher, more mature satisfaction of the desires that follow along with
this influx of new vitality, this strange, unexpected interest in
members of the other sex.
Undoubtedly modern youth face in this experience a greater ordeal than
did their parents. This comes about from changes in our way of living
and the effect they have had upon marriage, particularly upon our
expectations when we enter matrimony. In times past the economic
advantages of being married were so great and, as a rule, the struggle
of life was so hard, that there was no opportunity to overload marriage
with expectations and make its successes and its failures so exclusively
the satisfying or denying of emotions.
Of course our tendency is to ask too much of marriage. We demand that it
fulfill every purpose of the heart; thus some disappointment, once one
enters upon the career of marriage, is inescapable. The young man and
woman who have entered marriage expect to grasp much too soon the
happiness which their emotions demand. The imagination has such a free
range while romance runs at full tide that it would be strange indeed if
the imagination did not go far beyond the possibilities of any human
relationship.
This readjustment of expectation is what we mean by matrimonial
maturity. The young person who refuses to play the game of marriage,
just as soon as it appears that complete fulfillment of youthful wishes
is not to be had, cannot grow up and never comes to see that the greater
satisfactions must come out of self-discipline, emotional restraint, and
a love of response that does not ask what is beyond human achievement.
Not through a bringing to life of his rosy dreams of contentment, but in
a fellowship that deepens through the maturing of emotional life, must
one find the values of either marriage or family life.
* * * * *
Although the wise use of courtship is the most important preparation for
marriage happiness, it is not the only way we clarify and mature the
emotions in our efforts to be happily married. Engagement brings its
peculiar challenge, and again demands are made that surge with emotions
and need to be dealt with consciously and practically. One of these has
to do with sex, and in a very definite way. The modern young man and
woman are familiar with the fact that wholesome marriage requires good
marital adjustment. They think of this as the sex side of marriage. In
recent years they have heard much concerning the need of adequate sex
technique in marriage. Not only do they wish information that will
prepare them to handle this problem, but often they also need to get rid
of their worry that they may fail in this relationship. This anxiety is
more common than one might expect, both in men and in women. Even those
who are exceedingly sophisticated frequently have such fears. They
wonder if they have in some way made their adjustment difficult.
The last days of engagement frequently stir up feelings of doubt. These,
born of the thought of the seriousness of the marriage near at hand,
easily become allied with the anxious thoughts regarding sex adjustment
in marriage. There is every reason for giving young people at this time
the information they need to enter marriage as easily and satisfactorily
as possible. To give them a fair start we also have to take away the
nervous dread that may become their chief difficulty. This must be done
not by attempting to extract the emotion as we pull a tooth but by
destroying the fear by building up its opposite, security. This is the
way we always get rid of hazardous emotions: we destroy them as we
alkalize acids.
The reason why so much is made of sex technique as a preparation for
marriage is partly that in the past we have utterly neglected this side
of marriage and also that it is the easiest problem to handle. Needed
information can be clearly and definitely given, and there are a number
of excellent books, widely read, that provide this preparation for young
people about to be married. Such literature needs to be read calmly so
as to avoid exaggeration and not in the spirit of panic that sometimes
leaves young people worse off rather than better prepared for their
marriage relationships.
Since sex is so highly emotional and its difficulties as they appear in
marriage are almost always psychic in character--that is, born of brain
experience as a result of earlier suggestions and happenings--it is
fortunate that we have something besides a book to offer young people
that they may be sure they are well prepared to deal with the sex side
of marriage. Doctors have developed a counseling service designed to
give young men and young women before they marry the assurance that they
need. This is the premarital examination so popular among college people
about to be married and becoming more and more a part of their routine
of matrimonial preparation.
The young man and young woman, and especially the latter, either
together or separately go to a physician who is interested in presenting
the sex problems of marriage and is familiar with the technique of the
premarital examination and can give young people a clear understanding
of the meaning of marital adjustment. This examination includes finding
out whether there are any structural or nervous obstacles to marital
happiness, the giving of specific information regarding any worry,
doubt, or ignorance felt by the person being examined, the giving of
counsel that will help make successful adjustment easier to achieve,
and, if this is requested, the giving of sound birth-control
instruction.
The premarriage examination does so much to lessen the tension before
marriage and to prevent temporary discouragements or ungrounded fears
after marriage that it is no wonder that it has been accepted rapidly by
young people who have come to know its value. Soon it will become a
commonplace preparedness sought by all thoughtful, sincere young people
who are about to marry. It is best obtained at least two weeks before
the wedding. Since there are sometimes mild physical conditions that
need treatment and that can be cleared up if there is sufficient time,
many doctors prefer that the examination be made at least a month before
the marriage. It is true that not every physician is prepared to give
this assistance, but the number of those who can is rapidly growing as
doctors become conscious of their responsibility for this new type of
preparation for marriage.
* * * * *
Generally a most useful part of this service is the opportunity it gives
the doctor and the patient to talk together frankly and clearly about
sex adjustment so as to take away the emotional handicaps that are the
chief cause of maladjustment. These difficulties, when they are deeply
rooted, and especially when they are unrecognized, play havoc in marital
adjustment. Most often they are the result of some sort of suggestion or
happening far back in the earliest days of childhood that led to fear,
shame, or guilt, the three chief enemies of happy sex life in marriage.
The mere opportunity to talk over anything related to sex adjustment
about which they are anxious brings to many young people a wonderful
relief. The best way to get the full value of this service is to read
first, as young people are so anxious to do, some sensible, honest, and
reliable book that at least in part treats the problems of sex
adjustment in marriage, and then to gather up the questions that are
personally troublesome or that come because something is not quite clear
and take them to the physician at the time of the premarital
examination.
Young people should realize also that beyond the value of this
examination in itself, it is helpful in that it encourages an
intelligent attitude toward all later problems that may arise in
marriage. It emphasizes the fact that the best way of dealing with any
difficulty is to face it frankly, try to understand it, and then seek
the best possible help.
Young people are so conscious of the help they need for the carrying on
of their marriage and family career that in every part of the United
States we have petitions from students asking college administrators for
courses in preparation for marriage. But if every college were giving
this instruction, we could not expect that it would reach all American
youth. Other institutions and organizations must carry on in the same
way, so that other groups than college young people may get their chance
to have a modern entrance into marriage. The need of emotional
preparedness for marriage must be stressed. The opportunity to start
marriage right by bringing the resources of experience and of science
should be the birthright of all American youth. These young people seek
specific, practical information that will give them insight. They are
eager to keep to the pathway leading not only to a satisfying marriage
but to a marriage whose meaning goes forward along with our advancing
civilization.
_Dr. James L. McConaughy_
CHAPTER TWO
_Now That You Are Engaged_
"Love is blind," says the adage. "Love should be open-eyed and wise,"
say the modern engaged couple.
A successful marriage depends upon two factors--emotions and brains; no
marriage succeeds unless these are combined. "Falling in love" is
essential, but one can fall out of love as well. Falling in love is the
business of the emotions; staying there, holding your lover's affection,
requires brains.
A lifetime of happy intimacy between two individuals as different as a
young man and a young women can be attained if the mind is used. It is
only the old fogy who thinks modern young people "know too much."
Psychology teaches us that all emotions deserve study; if they are
wisely utilized, happiness results; if they are thoughtlessly spent or
thwarted, we may pay the price in unsatisfied lives, broken hopes,
sometimes in psychiatric disturbances.
The engagement period--if it is approached intelligently--can be a time
not only of supreme happiness, but of wise growth in understanding and
preparation for marriage. Unfortunately, modern young people sometimes
resent the idea that any one else can help them solve their problems.
Advice may seem to them interference. "We are going to live our own
lives. Why should any one else care what we do? Why should outsiders
feel that they have a right to tell us 'do' or 'don't'?" Such an
attitude is understandable, but it is unfortunate, and the young people
are the ones who suffer. Perhaps it is true that the older generation
feels that it must advise youth, even attempting to control it; but it
is also true that we, nearer the end of the road, should be qualified to
furnish a map of the way to those about to start out upon it. Thanks to
modern scientific methods, the map is now much more accurate than the
one handed over to us. There are certain well-charted highroads where
there were once only brambled trails.
Among the scientific methods are the statistical studies of marriage;
these show certain interesting conclusions. College people have a higher
percentage of successful marriages--at least, they show a lower divorce
ratio. Apparently college graduates use their minds in picking a mate
and in preparing for marriage. Marriages between those who have gone to
coeducational colleges appear to have a still higher chance of success.
This is probably the result of close association between the sexes in
such institutions. But the use of one's mind is what is important;
marriage _can_ be fully as successful for those who are not
college-trained.
According to statistical studies, overdominance by parents decreases the
chance of successful marriage. Apron strings never aid engaged couples.
A good rule for families is to let the young people avail themselves of
parental suggestion, not to force dictates upon them.
Statistically, more marriages succeed if each partner has had an
earlier love affair. It is, say the experts, an asset to have had boy or
girl friends with whom you thought for a time you were in love. Of
course all of us know completely happy marriages of boy and girl
sweethearts; most of us also know unhappy couples who first became
engaged during their teens, one of whom has entirely outgrown the other,
with mismating as a result.
Such mismating is not at first apparent--may not be for several years.
The man usually, by the nature of his occupation, meets more people than
does the woman. He finds himself in more varied and interesting
situations, and may become a more colorful, a bigger person than his
wife. Occasionally the converse may be true. At any rate, it is a tragic
thing when either husband or wife so far outgrows the other that they
have no common interest, no mutual pleasures.
The engagement period is the time to prove the quality of love. Are
you--the girl--capable of growth? Can you, harassed by household tasks,
keep up with your husband as he develops in the world of men? Are
you--the man--so congenial with this girl whom you wish to marry that
you will want to share your experiences with her, in situations very
different from those of courtship and engagement days?
The engagement period itself is not altogether an easy time. Wise young
people can make it one of fuller acquaintance and of growth in
thoughtfulness and courtesy. On the other hand, most engaged couples
will discover small faults in each other, even when they are deeply in
love. Details that had been invisible before may now loom large.
Carelessness in personal habits, manners, speech, and attitude may
become irritants that jeopardize romance. A trait that may have been a
source of amusement before now becomes irritating and exasperating. If
the trait is a fundamental one, marriage should be even more
searchingly questioned, although the wedding date may be only a few
weeks off. Much has been written about the girl who marries a man to
reform him; if the reformation is not completed during the engagement,
the chances of success after marriage are small.
Yes, this new intimacy of the engagement period may indeed be trying.
Tact is required to avoid fault-finding, nagging, and jealousy. A few
"lovers' quarrels" do not matter--they give flavor to a romance--but
scolding and criticism do. Romance dies when thoughtless quarreling
enters. An engaged man should be even more of a gentleman than the
courting swain; the girl with a ring on the third finger of her left
hand should strive to be even more charming and feminine than the
heart-free lass.
Besides the problems of personality adjustment that propinquity
presents, there are such questions as these to look into: Is one
standard of moral conduct after marriage to apply to both? How free is
each partner to be? What opportunity is the girl to have to be herself,
have her own interests and friends and money? How soon is the first
child wanted? Further--and just as important--the problems of the
financial outlook can be worked on during the engagement period.
The wise couple discuss thoroughly their financial setup, draw up a
budget, and use their present resources to acquire equipment for the new
home. They decide questions which are to form the basis of the marriage
and largely influence its success: Is the wife to have her own share of
the family income, her own checking account? Must she ask her husband
for money for each household expense, or will she have an allowance on
which to run the home? In addition, is she to have money for her own
personal uses, with no more accounting required than is expected of the
husband's expenditures for tobacco and other personal whims?
While such matters are being talked over and decided with mutual
consideration, training for marriage itself is under way. The engaged
couple may well learn to put into practice two simple yet very helpful
suggestions for married people: never both lose your temper at the same
time; make the other laugh once daily. They may also acquire an art
which contributes definitely to happiness in marriage: playing together.
I think this is sound advice for brides-to-be: If he is a golfer, try to
learn enough about the game at least to respond to his enthusiasm. If he
fishes, encourage him and try to learn why such a simple sport thrills
him. If baseball is his game, do not disdain his choice for an
afternoon's relaxation; if he wants you to join him, go and learn enough
to enjoy the game with him; if he wants to go with men friends,
encourage him, and do not fear this means his love is cooling! (Romance
thrives on occasional separations, even occasional vacations from
marriage.) Be interested in his doings, but do not be a nuisance.
* * * * *
Grooms-to-be: If she likes bridge, improve your game and avoid
embarrassing her by dumb bids and play. If she enjoys art and finds an
art exhibit worth while, do not be the dumb male and say that this means
nothing to you; let her teach you what pictures can mean--and to real he
men, too. If she enjoys good music--going to concerts or listening to
the radio--try to share her pleasure and discover what it is that really
gives her such satisfaction. In other words, if either has a favorite
sport or a hobby, the other should try to join in--at least in the
evident satisfaction it gives. Just going to the movies, or sitting on
the sidelines watching others play, is not the ideal joint use of
leisure; young couples should actually _do_ something _together_.
Exercise--active sports--helps keep every one up to par physically;
good health is one of the surest foundations for a happy marriage.
Divorce thrives among those below par; mental health, serenity, poise,
and mutual consideration are all aided by good physical condition.
And remember that mental energy needs an outlet, too. The stimulation of
good conversation in mixed groups has a favorable effect on the
emotional life of women as well as men. American husbands often err in
not drawing out their womenfolk; contempt for their ideas is too
frequent.
Those who are wisest about successful marriages advise against long
engagements. A hasty marriage and a short engagement are not the same
thing. An engaged couple who are sure of their hearts and minds should
be helped to marry as soon as the plans for the marriage can be wisely
worked out. This usually involves finances--"How soon can we afford it?"
Wise parents today cooperate so that the young couple do not have to
wait too long. In many cases the older generation, if it can afford it,
may give a small allowance to the recently married son or daughter.
Money thus given on a definite monthly basis for a previously determined
period means much more than a small bequest when the father dies. Or the
parents may agree, on a plan carefully thought out, to help if
unexpected financial problems beset the young couple. Father may say
that if illness overtakes either, or if the first baby arrives earlier
than planned, or if a sudden decrease in salary comes, he will gladly
help--not with a loan or as a grudging charity but as an interested
party to the success of the marriage.
If the man possibly can, he should take out some insurance, seeking
unprejudiced advice before choosing between the many kinds of policies
each company writes. Even if the policy is small, it is at least a back
log if tragedy comes; furthermore, meeting the insurance premiums is a
fine first step toward regular saving.
Marrying when either is in debt is to be avoided; such a weight hanging
over two young married people all too frequently mars the chances of
happiness. And if it is humanly possible, no man should marry while
others are dependent upon him.
One comment to engaged students: Unless the circumstances are
exceptional, do not marry until your professional training is done. If
the girl has her own income or an assured job, perhaps so; if parents
will help if an emergency arises, perhaps so; otherwise wait until you
are through professional school. Hospitals dislike to appoint married
men as internes; they are required to live in the hospital, which means
no home life. Law school and marriage do not usually mix well--nor
engineering school, nor any other form of post-graduate training. The
engaged man who is preparing for college teaching is usually wise if he
asks the girl to wait. Many of us know of graduate students who married
with only a fellowship or the wages of a wife as income, whose marriages
have been almost wrecked by sudden illness or a baby, with resulting
financial worries which have aged both the man and woman prematurely.
Late marriage for professionally trained men is, apparently, one of the
unfortunate results of the long period of preparation for a calling.
* * * * *
The case for postponement is just as strong when one or both are
under-graduates in college, with no professional training planned.
College marriages are not so wise as marriage after college work is
finished. There are exceptions, however; one knows of cases where
marriage and return to college to finish was wise. It is unfortunate
that some colleges have rules debarring students who marry during the
course; secret marriages often result--and these are always to be
deplored.
Sometimes parental opposition, or other factors, seem to the young
couple to be sufficient justification for a secret marriage. The
circumstances which can make this a wise decision are very, very rare.
Marriage is a public matter; it should not be hidden. The couple may
feel that only their own lives are involved, but they are all too often
wrong. Even the best methods of birth control are far from 100 percent
dependable; if a baby is coming, the couple face announcements and
explanations and recriminations just at a time when serenity and freedom
from emotional strain are desirable, particularly for the bride. Secrecy
usually means hypocrisy; often it means deceit. Figures show that secret
marriages often produce marital unhappiness and an abnormal number of
divorces.
The wedding date is chosen by the bride; the honeymoon arrangements are
the responsibility of the groom. A wedding is fatiguing, particularly to
the girl; the thoughtful man will not plan a long train or motor trip or
tiring sightseeing or visits to new relatives; new in-laws can be
visited more wisely at a later time. These days should be a period of
intimate companionship; a summer camp, perhaps lent by a friend, is
ideal. Here, surrounded by nature and not mankind, relaxed honeymooners
will find the rest and privacy which should be theirs.
Where to live after the wedding? Obviously where the husband's job is.
No need to wait until his chance in the big city comes; the small town
is a better place to begin marriage. Friendships come easier, life is
simpler and usually cheaper. The divorce rate is much higher in the
cities than in small towns or rural regions. Fortunate that couple who
start their married life in a town small enough so that neighbors are
interested and helpful. The city apartment house is the most impersonal
form of dwelling mankind has devised. If the first home does not have
all the modern improvements, it is no great tragedy. More marriages are
wrecked by too much free time than by too many home tasks to perform.
Our grandparents married in the days of covered wagons and sodhouses and
drought; a dash of their spirit is a good ingredient in a modern
marriage.
* * * * *
Above all else, the engaged couple should plan to have a home of their
own, even if it is only two rooms. If economic considerations make them
consider moving in with the in-laws, let some one warn them that the
adjustment of two personalities which marriage involves demands some
privacy beyond that of a bedroom. Parents, no matter how loving and
wise, help the newly married most when they do not live under the same
roof with them. Loving interference, irritation, nervous tension,
usually go with "living with the folks."
If they have to live with the older folks, the young people should
arrange to have two or three rooms of their own, with their own
privacies, where they can entertain their own friends and be themselves.
If they live thus under the parental roof, they can keep their
self-respect by paying something a month as rent, no matter how small.
Furthermore, they should own their furniture--at least some of it; it
should represent their own joint taste; the possession of some lares and
penates is a very good basis for a lifetime partnership. The joint
possession of material things is almost an essential to successful
marriage.
Should the girl hold her job after she marries? Some authorities say
that a bride is better off, emotionally more serene, if she has some
work--not too fatiguing--outside the home.
Modern young people do not marry until they know that each brings to
the marriage bodily fitness. A medical examination, with blood tests, is
required in many progressive states before a marriage license can be
secured. A doctor's certificate of bodily fitness for marriage is fully
as essential as a marriage license. Such an examination gives a feeling
of security to each individual and forwards the well being of society.
To many modern engaged couples the most disturbing question is, "Shall
we wait until marriage for physical union?" No question, I think, comes
up more often in college courses and conferences on engagement and
marriage. "We love each other devotedly; why should we wait for a mere
license and a public ceremony?" That testimony which trained doctors,
sociologists, and psychiatrists give is entirely in favor of postponing
all such relations until after the marriage ceremony. Furthermore,
statistics show that marriages in which the engaged couple do not "go
all the way" seem to have a higher chance of success.
Modern life has made this a keener difficulty for young people than it
was for most of us older ones. Inhibitions have largely gone, young
people are allowed to work out their own problems; the automobile,
tourist cabin, and hotels with careless standards for their guests allow
any engaged couple plenty of opportunity, which we largely lacked. If,
even though an engaged couple are passionately in love, the temptation
does not present itself at all, they are fortunate; there have been
millions of happy marriages before in which this has taken care of
itself naturally. On the other hand, if they have to face this situation
frankly, and decided to wait, they need have no fear that this indicates
a lack of sex feeling or that after marriage this relationship may fail
because it has not been indulged in earlier.
But let us all realize frankly how often this problem troubles the
majority of engaged couples--no matter how fine their principles may be.
Understanding and love are more helpful in such situations than general
advice and "don't." Assisting the young couple to marry soon is usually
the best help we can give.
* * * * *
If an engaged couple are willing to think this matter over as
unemotionally as possible, the following points may be considered:
Postponement of marriage because of economic conditions has been a
problem almost as old as the race; they are not the first couple to face
this difficulty. Revolt against the standards of home, church, and
society is almost always an expensive decision; secret actions are to be
deplored; worry about "what may happen" may destroy the serenity in love
which should ideally characterize the engagement period. They should be
glad that they do have "sex hunger," but should recognize that each
person owes just a little to the preservation of morality and social
standards; even if they feel that the conditions which beset them are
hard, they should think twice before placing themselves "outside the
pale of social sanction."
The engaged young man may well do some special thinking of his own. No
birth-control methods are sure; the testimony of medical groups rates
various procedures as from 20 percent to 90 percent safe; no man who
really loves his fiancée would take the chance of "getting her in
trouble." More of the responsibility of this decision rests on the man
than on the girl. She may seem to be entirely willing, but the normal
girl worries, even if only over what her parents would think if they
knew. More than one marriage has been wrecked because of the psychiatric
effect upon the girl of such practices during her engagement.
Furthermore, many engaged couples do not finally marry; memories of
forbidden intimacies are not going to make it easier for either to give
himself or herself fully to the right person later on; premarital
relations with another may prove a real handicap to the full
realization, later, of an ideal romance and marriage. The complete
realization of sex after marriage is never so fully accomplished,
emotionally and lovingly, if the two have refused to wait. Even the most
sophisticated young people have somewhere inside them hesitations about
the wisdom of defying social standards. There is a spiritual side to
marriage; practices in secret, unapproved by others, detract definitely
from this important phase of marriage.
Even if the young man can convince himself that not waiting is right, in
spite of what his fiancée may say, she is unlikely to agree in her
heart. Very few men who rationalize themselves into believing that such
a course of action is wise would be as willing to have their sister
or--some day--their daughter do likewise.
Remember these truths: In married life itself there are many difficult
decisions, many things you would like to do, which wisely you do not.
You are definitely preparing yourself for marriage in strengthening your
character by saying "no" now.