Professor MAHAFFY'S book on _The Art of Conversation_, seems witty, and
(in parts) wise. People who want to learn to talk well in society had
better consult the genial Professor, who declares that the art can be
acquired. In fact he hands to each of his readers, across the visionary
"walnuts and the wine," the pinch of Attic Salt which seasons
dinner-parties. The theory must, of course, be taken _cum grano_. A few
hints (strangely omitted in MAHAFFY'S "Haffy Thoughts,") are here
appended:--
Should you happen to be in company with a number of eminent Statesmen
belonging to one Party (say, at a dinner, when they can't get away from
you,) mind and point out in a loud voice what you conceive to have been
the chief errors of policy which they committed in their last Ministry,
and what would have been _your_ line in their place. If they are
smarting under recent defeat, and have just been turned out of Office,
they will be sure to thank you heartily for your kind advice.
Supposing politicians of every shade of opinion to be present, your best
course will be to at once introduce some "burning" subject of the
day--say, Home Rule, or the personal character of Mr. GLADSTONE or Lord
SALISBURY. Your host will be delighted, and you will be surprised to
find what a brisk conversation you have initiated.
Always talk "shop." It gives local colour to your style. For instance,
if you are a lawyer, and you see another legal gentleman at table,
engage him in a conversation as to "that curious Equity point in the
case of _The Queen_ v. _the Executors of Muggins, deceased_, before the
V.-C." Make your comments as technical as possible. If you don't soon
"get the table in a roar," it will be astonishing. By the way, there are
two kinds of "roar."
Avoid the least appearance of shyness. This is a pushing age. If you are
really bashful by nature, assume a haughty and forbidding demeanour to
cover it. This will make you universally liked.
Spice your talk with jokes. Invent at least six good puns for use at any
dinner to which you may be invited, and bring them out,--naturally, if
you can, but at any rate _bring them out! E.g._ If you are in Dublin,
in a company consisting of fervid Nationalists, who bitterly resent the
imprisonment of their Chief Magistrate, remark jocosely that "you hope
his Lordship is not suffering much from _mal de Mayor_!" Conversely,
when present at a dinner of Loyalists, refer to the eminent
Liberal-Unionist Leader as "HALF-HARTINGTON." In either case your host
is sure to ask you to come again.
_Monopolise_ the conversation. CARLYLE did this, and so did MACAULAY, so
why shouldn't you? You may be a MACAULAY without knowing the fact.
Remember that people like _anecdotes_. This is how HAYWARD got his
reputation. Don't hesitate because somebody has said that "all the good
stories have been told." If so, tell them again without flinching.
Practise allusive and apparently unconscious swagger in private. When
you are sure that you can refer to "my friend the Duke of St. DAVID'S,"
at a dinner-party without the slightest change of inflexion in your
voice and in a perfectly natural manner, you are fitted to adorn any
society--even the lowest.
Never humour women who try to talk learnedly. Bring the conversation
down to feeding-bottles and keep it there. They will in reality
appreciate your kindness and knowledge of female nature, even if they
appear at the moment to resent it deeply.
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