It was left for Mr. Frend to prove that an impugner of algebra could
attempt ridicule. He was, in 1803, editor of a periodical _The Gentleman's
Monthly Miscellany_, which lasted a few months.[474] To this, among other
things, he contributed the following, in burlesque of the use made of 0, to
which he objected.[475] The imitation of Rabelais, a writer {209} in whom
he delighted, is good: to those who have never dipped, it may give such a
notion as they would not easily get elsewhere. The point of the satire is
not so good. But in truth it is not easy to make pungent scoffs upon what
is common sense to all mankind. Who can laugh with effect at six times
nothing is nothing, as false or unintelligible? In an article intended for
that undistinguishing know-0 the "general reader," there would have been no
force of satire, if _division_ by 0 had been separated from multiplication
by the same.
I have followed the above by another squib, by the same author, on the
English language. The satire is covertly aimed at theological phraseology;
and any one who watches this subject will see that it is a very just
observation that the Greek words are not boiled enough.
PANTAGRUEL'S DECISION _of the_ QUESTION _about_ NOTHING.
"Pantagruel determined to have a snug afternoon with Epistemon and Panurge.
Dinner was ordered to be set in a small parlor, and a particular batch of
Hermitage with some choice Burgundy to be drawn from a remote corner of the
cellar upon the occasion. By way of lunch, about an hour before dinner,
Pantagruel was composing his stomach with German sausages, reindeer's
tongues, oysters, brawn, and half a dozen different sorts of English beer
just come into fashion, when a most thundering knocking was heard at the
great gate, and from the noise they expected it to announce the arrival at
least of the First Consul, or king Gargantua. Panurge was sent to
reconnoiter, and after a quarter of an hour's absence, returned with the
news that the University of Pontemaca was waiting his highness's leisure in
the great hall, to propound a question which {210} had turned the brains of
thirty-nine students, and had flung twenty-seven more into a high fever.
With all my heart, says Pantagruel, and swallowed down three quarts of
Burton ale; but remember, it wants but an hour of dinner time, and the
question must be asked in as few words as possible; for I cannot deprive
myself of the pleasure I expected to enjoy in the company of my good
friends for a set of mad-headed masters. I wish brother John was here to
settle these matters with the black gentry.
"Having said or rather growled this, he proceeded to the hall of ceremony,
and mounted his throne; Epistemon and Panurge standing on each side, but
two steps below him. Then advanced to the throne the three beadles of the
University of Pontemaca with their silver staves on their shoulders, and
velvet caps on their heads, and they were followed by three times three
doctors, and thrice three times three masters of art; for everything was
done in Pontemaca by the number three, and on this account the address was
written on parchment, one foot in breadth, and thrice three times thrice
three feet in length. The beadles struck the ground with their heads and
their staves three times in approaching the throne; the doctors struck the
ground with their heads thrice three times, and the masters did the same
thrice each time, beating the ground with their heads thrice three times.
This was the accustomed form of approaching the throne, time out of mind,
and it was said to be emblematic of the usual prostration of science to the
throne of greatness.
"The mathematical professor, after having spit, and hawked, and cleared his
throat, and blown his nose on a handkerchief lent to him, for he had
forgotten to bring his own, began to read the address. In this he was
assisted by three masters of arts, one of whom, with a silver pen, pointed
out the stops; the second with a small stick rapped his knuckles when he
was to raise or lower his voice; and a third pulled his hair behind when he
was to look Pantagruel in the face. Pantagruel began to chafe like a lion:
{211} he turned first on one side, then on the other: he listened and
groaned, and groaned and listened, and was in the utmost cogitabundity of
cogitation. His countenance began to brighten, when, at the end of an hour,
the reader stammered out these words:
"'It has therefore been most clearly proved that as all matter may be
divided into parts infinitely smaller than the infinitely smallest part of
the infinitesimal of nothing, so nothing has all the properties of
something, and may become, by just and lawful right, susceptible of
addition, subtraction, multiplication, division, squaring, and cubing: that
it is to all intents and purposes as good as anything that has been, is, or
can be taught in the nine universities of the land, and to deprive it of
its rights is a most cruel innovation and usurpation, tending to destroy
all just subordination in the world, making all universities superfluous,
leveling vice-chancellors, doctors, and proctors, masters, bachelors, and
scholars, to the mean and contemptible state of butchers and
tallow-chandlers, bricklayers and chimney-sweepers, who, if it were not for
these learned mysteries, might think that they knew as much as their
betters. Every one then, who has the good of science at heart, must pray
for the interference of his highness to put a stop to all the disputes
about nothing, and by his decision to convince all gainsayers that the
science of nothing is taught in the best manner in the universities, to the
great edification and improvement of all the youth in the land.'
"Here Pantagruel whispered in the ear of Panurge, who nodded to Epistemon,
and they two left the assembly, and did not return for an hour, till the
orator had finished his task. The three beadles had thrice struck the
ground with their heads and staves, the doctors had finished their
compliments, and the masters were making their twenty-seven prostrations.
Epistemon and Panurge went up to Pantagruel, whom they found fast asleep
and snoring; nor could he be roused but by as many tugs as there had been
{212} bowings from the corps of learning. At last he opened his eyes, gave
a good stretch, made half a dozen yawns, and called for a stoup of wine. I
thank you, my masters, says he; so sound a nap I have not had since I came
from the island of Priestfolly. Have you dined, my masters? They answered
the question by as many bows as at entrance; but his highness left them to
the care of Panurge, and retired to the little parlor with Epistemon, where
they burst into a fit of laughter, declaring that this learned Baragouin
about nothing was just as intelligible as the lawyer's Galimathias. Panurge
conducted the learned body into a large saloon, and each in his way hearing
a clattering of plates and glasses, congratulated himself on his
approaching good cheer. There they were left by Panurge, who took his chair
by Pantagruel just as the soup was removed, but he made up for the want of
that part of his dinner by a pint of champagne. The learning of the
university had whetted their appetites; what they each ate it is needless
to recite; good wine, good stories, and hearty laughs went round, and three
hours elapsed before one soul of them recollected the hungry students of
Pontemaca.
"Epistemon reminded them of the business in hand, and orders were given for
a fresh dozen of hermitage to be put upon table, and the royal attendants
to get ready. As soon as the dozen bottles were emptied, Pantagruel rose
from table, the royal trumpets sounded, and he was accompanied by the great
officers of his court into the large dining hall, where was a table with
forty-two covers. Pantagruel sat at the head, Epistemon at the bottom, and
Panurge in the middle, opposite an immense silver tureen, which would hold
fifty gallons of soup. The wise men of Pontemaca then took their seats
according to seniority. Every countenance glistened with delight; the music
struck up; the dishes were uncovered. Panurge had enough to do to handle
the immense silver ladle: Pantagruel and Epistemon had no time for eating,
they were fully employed in carving. The bill {213} of fare announced the
names of a hundred different dishes. From Panurge's ladle came into the
soup plate as much as he took every time out of the tureen; and as it was
the rule of the court that every one should appear to eat, as long as he
sat at table, there was the clattering of nine and thirty spoons against
the silver soup-plates for a quarter of an hour. They were then removed,
and knives and forks were in motion for half an hour. Glasses were
continually handed round in the mean time, and then everything was removed,
except the great tureen of soup. The second course was now served up, in
dispatching which half an hour was consumed; and at the conclusion the wise
men of Pontemaca had just as much in their stomachs as Pantagruel in his
head from their address: for nothing was cooked up for them in every
possible shape that Panurge could devise.
"Wine-glasses, large decanters, fruit dishes, and plates were now set on.
Pantagruel and Epistemon alternately gave bumper toasts: the University of
Pontemaca, the eye of the world, the mother of taste and good sense and
universal learning, the patroness of utility, and the second only to
Pantagruel in wisdom and virtue (for these were her titles), was drank
standing with thrice three times three, and huzzas and clattering of
glasses; but to such wine the wise men of Pontemaca had not been
accustomed; and though Pantagruel did not suffer one to rise from table
till the eighty-first glass had been emptied, not even the weakest headed
master of arts felt his head in the least indisposed. The decanters indeed
were often removed, but they were brought back replenished, filled always
with nothing.
"Silence was now proclaimed, and in a trice Panurge leaped into the large
silver tureen. Thence he made his bows to Pantagruel and the whole company,
and commenced an oration of signs, which lasted an hour and a half, and in
which he went over all the matter contained in the Pontemaca address; and
though the wise men looked very serious during the whole time, Pantagruel
himself and his whole {214} court could not help indulging in repeated
bursts of laughter. It was universally acknowledged that he excelled
himself, and that the arguments by which he beat the English masters of
arts at Paris were nothing to the exquisite selection of attitudes which he
this day assumed. The greatest shouts of applause were excited when he was
running thrice round the tureen on its rim, with his left hand holding his
nose, and the other exercising itself nine and thirty times on his back. In
this attitude he concluded with his back to the professor of mathematics;
and at the instant he gave his last flap, by a sudden jump, and turning
heels over head in the air, he presented himself face to face to the
professor, and standing on his left leg, with his left hand holding his
nose, he presented to him, in a white satin bag, Pantagruel's royal decree.
Then advancing his right leg, he fixed it on the professor's head, and
after three turns, in which he clapped his sides with both hands thrice
three times, down he leaped, and Pantagruel, Epistemon, and himself took
their leaves of the wise men of Pontemaca.
"The wise men now retired, and by royal orders were accompanied by a guard,
and according to the etiquette of the court, no one having a royal order
could stop at any public house till it was delivered. The procession
arrived at Pontemaca at nine o'clock the next morning, and the sound of
bells from every church and college announced their arrival. The
congregation was assembled; the royal decree was saluted in the same manner
as if his highness had been there in person; and after the proper
ceremonies had been performed, the satin bag was opened exactly at twelve
o'clock. A finely emblazoned roll was drawn forth, and the public orator
read to the gaping assembly the following words:
"'They who can make something out of nothing shall have nothing to eat at
the court of--PANTAGRUEL.'" {215}
ORIGIN _of the_ ENGLISH LANGUAGE, _related by a_ SWEDE.
"Some months ago in a party in Holland, consisting of natives of various
countries, the merit of their respective languages became a topic of
conversation. A Swede, who had been a great traveler, and could converse in
most of the modern languages of Europe, laughed very heartily at an
Englishman, who had ventured to speak in praise of the tongue of his dear
country. I never had any trouble, says he, in learning English. To my very
great surprise, the moment I sat foot on shore at Gravesend, I found out,
that I could understand, with very little trouble, every word that was
said. It was a mere jargon, made up of German, French, and Italian, with
now and then a word from the Spanish, Latin or Greek. I had only to bring
my mouth to their mode of speaking, which was done with ease in less than a
week, and I was everywhere taken for a true-born Englishman; a privilege by
the way of no small importance in a country, where each man, God knows why,
thinks his foggy island superior to any other part of the world: and though
his door is never free from some dun or other coming for a tax, and if he
steps out of it he is sure to be knocked down or to have his pocket picked,
yet he has the insolence to think every foreigner a miserable slave, and
his country the seat of everything wretched. They may talk of liberty as
they please, but Spain or Turkey for my money: barring the bowstring and
the inquisition, they are the most comfortable countries under heaven, and
you need not be afraid of either, if you do not talk of religion and
politics. I do not see much difference too in this respect in England, for
when I was there, one of their most eminent men for learning was put in
prison for a couple of years, and got his death for translating one of
AEsop's fables into English, which every child in Spain and Turkey is
taught, as soon as he comes out of his leading strings. Here all the
company unanimously cried out against the Swede, that it was {216}
impossible: for in England, the land of liberty, the only thing its worst
enemies could say against it, was, that they paid for their liberty a much
greater price than it was worth.--Every man there had a fair trial
according to laws, which everybody could understand; and the judges were
cool, patient, discerning men, who never took the part of the crown against
the prisoner, but gave him every assistance possible for his defense.
"The Swede was borne down, but not convinced; and he seemed determined to
spit out all his venom. Well, says he, at any rate you will not deny that
the English have not got a language of their own, and that they came by it
in a very odd way. Of this at least I am certain, for the whole history was
related to me by a witch in Lapland, whilst I was bargaining for a wind.
Here the company were all in unison again for the story.
"In ancient times, said the old hag, the English occupied a spot in
Tartary, where they lived sulkily by themselves, unknowing and unknown. By
a great convulsion that took place in China, the inhabitants of that and
the adjoining parts of Tartary were driven from their seats, and after
various wanderings took up their abode in Germany. During this time nobody
could understand the English, for they did not talk, but hissed like so
many snakes. The poor people felt uneasy under this circumstance, and in
one of their parliaments, or rather hissing meetings, it was determined to
seek a remedy: and an embassy was sent to some of our sisterhood then
living on Mount Hecla. They were put to a nonplus, and summoned the Devil
to their relief. To him the English presented their petitions, and
explained their sad case; and he, upon certain conditions, promised to
befriend them, and to give them a language. The poor Devil was little aware
of what he had promised; but he is, as all the world knows, a man of too
much honor to break his word. Up and down the world then he went in quest
of this new language: visited all the universities, and all {217} the
schools, and all the courts of law, and all the play-houses, and all the
prisons; never was poor devil so fagged. It would have made your heart
bleed to see him. Thrice did he go round the earth in every parallel of
latitude; and at last, wearied and jaded out, back came he to Hecla in
despair, and would have thrown himself into the volcano, if he had been
made of combustible materials. Luckily at that time our sisters were
engaged in settling the balance of Europe; and whilst they were looking
over projects, and counter-projects, and ultimatums, and post ultimatums,
the poor Devil, unable to assist them was groaning in a corner and
ruminating over his sad condition.
"On a sudden, a hellish joy overspread his countenance; up he jumped, and,
like Archimedes of old, ran like a madman amongst the throng, turning over
tables, and papers, and witches, roaring out for a full hour together
nothing else but 'tis found, 'tis found! Away were sent the sisterhood in
every direction, some to traverse all the corners of the earth, and others
to prepare a larger caldron than had ever yet been set upon Hecla. The
affairs of Europe were at a stand: its balance was thrown aside; prime
ministers and ambassadors were everywhere in the utmost confusion; and, by
the way, they have never been able to find the balance since that time, and
all the fine speeches upon the subject, with which your newspapers are
every now and then filled, are all mere hocus-pocus and rhodomontade.
However, the caldron was soon set on, and the air was darkened by witches
riding on broomsticks, bringing a couple of folios under each arm, and
across each shoulder. I remember the time exactly: it was just as the
council of Nice had broken up, so that they got books and papers there dog
cheap; but it was a bad thing for the poor English, as these were the worst
materials that entered into the caldron. Besides, as the Devil wanted some
amusement, and had not seen an account of the transactions of this famous
council, he had all the books brought from it laid before him, and split
his sides almost {218} with laughing, whilst he was reading the speeches
and decrees of so many of his old friends and acquaintances. All this while
the witches were depositing their loads in the great caldron. There were
books from the Dalai Lama, and from China: there were books from the
Hindoos, and tallies from the Caffres: there were paintings from Mexico,
and rocks of hieroglyphics from Egypt: the last country supplied besides
the swathings of two thousand mummies, and four-fifths of the famed library
of Alexandria. Bubble! bubble! toil and trouble! never was a day of more
labor and anxiety; and if our good master had but flung in the Greek books
at the proper time, they would have made a complete job of it. He was a
little too impatient: as the caldron frothed up, he skimmed it off with a
great ladle, and filled some thousands of our wind-bags with the froth,
which the English with great joy carried back to their own country. These
bags were sent to every district: the chiefs first took their fill, and
then the common people; hence they now speak a language which no foreigner
can understand, unless he has learned half a dozen other languages; and the
poor people, not one in ten, understand a third part of what is said to
them. The hissing, however, they have not entirely got rid of, and every
seven years, when the Devil, according to agreement, pays them a visit,
they entertain him at their common halls and county meetings with their
original language.
"The good-natured old hag told me several other circumstances, relative to
this curious transaction, which, as there is an Englishman in company, it
will be prudent to pass over in silence: but I cannot help mentioning one
thing which she told me as a very great secret. You know, says she to me,
that the English have more religions among them than any other nation in
Europe, and that there is more teaching and sermonizing with them than in
any other country. The fact is this; it matters not who gets up to teach
them, the hard words of the Greek were not sufficiently {219} boiled, and
whenever they get into a sentence, the poor people's brains are turned, and
they know no more what the preacher is talking about, than if he harangued
them in Arabic. Take my word for it if you please; but if not, when you get
to England, desire the bettermost sort of people that you are acquainted
with to read to you an act of parliament, which of course is written in the
clearest and plainest style in which anything can be written, and you will
find that not one in ten will be able to make tolerable sense of it. The
language would have been an excellent language, if it had not been for the
council of Nice, and the words had been well boiled.
"Here the company burst out into a fit of laughter. The Englishman got up
and shook hands with the Swede: _si non e vero_, said he, _e ben
trovato_.[476] But, however I may laugh at it here, I would not advise you
to tell this story on the other side of the water. So here's a bumper to
Old England for ever, and God save the king."