Tom went back to Cambridge for his third year with his mind fully made
up as regard his career. He was alone with his father his last night at
home, and they had talked the matter out--or rather Tom talked the
matter out, and his father expressed acquiescence with his proposed
arrangements, and mingled a little cynical advice.
“You see, I must be a sculptor, father,” Tom had said, “at least, that
is my passion. If you wish me to go into the business or go to the bar,
I’ll go, but that won’t be the work of my life. You don’t object, do
you?”
They were sitting in the smoking-room after dinner before the fire, for
October had started with early frosts, and Mr. Carlingford loathed cold
weather. He often stopped indoors for two or three weeks at a time in
the winter.
“My dear boy,” he replied, “I don’t object to anything about you at
present; I really find you the only satisfactory spot in a--a
satisfactory life. There is only one thing I should object to, and that
is if you made a fool of yourself. Don’t do that, Tom. Many people when
they make fools of themselves think that they are being original,
whereas they are doing what nine-tenths of the human race has done
since the beginning of the world--more than nine-tenths, probably. Adam
and Eve both made fools of themselves, so did Cain and Abel--Abel
particularly. And a sculptor has such unlimited opportunities for making
a fool of himself.”
“In what way?” asked Tom.
“Falling in love with his models, or still worse, marrying them. If you
are going to the devil, go to him like a gentleman. Then, sculptors
often wear long hair, and Liberty fabric ties, with gold rings round
them. I knew a sculptor once who wore a cameo ring. If you wear a cameo
ring I shall cut my throat.”
“Oh, I shan’t do any of those things,” said Tom confidently.
“No, I think it is most probable that you won’t, otherwise I should make
objections to your being a sculptor. But you can’t tell. You haven’t had
many opportunities yet.”
“One can make a fool of one’s self at Cambridge if it comes to that,”
said Tom.
“No, not very easily. Public opinion is against it, whereas in most
places the fools themselves constitute public opinion. I’m glad of it,
though it is only putting off the evil days a little longer. When I was
at Cambridge, boys made fools of themselves earlier than they do now.
For instance, people get drunk much less. It’s a change for the better,
I suppose. But I don’t know that this generation will have gone through
less dirt when they are forty, than we did. There comes a time to every
one when they must decide definitely whether they are going to make
fools of themselves or not. I’ve got very strong views about morality.”
His clever, wrinkled old face beamed with amusement.
“Morality is just a synonym for wisdom,” he went on, “and immorality is
folly. I don’t know anything about the religious side of it all. I leave
that to others, professionals. But I know a little about folly. It’s
quite the worst investment you can make.”
“I don’t know that I ever thought about it at all,” said Tom frankly; “I
don’t mean to be a brute if I can help it.”
“There are no such things as brutes,” said his father; “there are only
wise men and fools--chiefly fools. Every man has to settle the question
for himself as to which he will be: no one goes through life scot-free
of the necessity of fighting inclinations. I haven’t ever talked to you
before about it, because it is no use giving advice to young men, and
the worst thing of all is to tell them to think about such things. You
have to think about it when your time comes; till then it’s best not to
know it. The best preparation is to lead a healthy life, and think about
cricket, not to read White Cross tracts and go to purity meetings.”
Tom rose from his chair and knocked out the ashes of his pipe against
the chimney-piece.
“I think you’re wrong, father,” he said; “if one has an aim in life,
everything gives way to that. If one has principles, one cannot
disregard them.”
“Sometimes principles interfere with interests,” remarked Mr.
Carlingford.
Tom laughed.
“Idle men are the vicious men,” he said.
“I haven’t done a stroke of work for ten years,” remarked his father
with amusement. “All the same, I haven’t been idle. I find plenty to do
in watching other people. But there is one piece of advice I would
really like to give you. If you find you fall in love with any
unsuitable young person--a model probably--send her about her business.
If it’s too far gone for that, cut her throat--it is probably her
fault--she probably wanted you to fall in love with her, and if you see
any objection to that, cut mine, or cut your own. Perhaps your own is
best. It is unpleasant, no doubt, for the moment, but that is better
than wishing every moment for the rest of your life that you had done
it.”
“But one can always cut one’s throat. Besides, isn’t that making a fool
of one’s self?”
“Not at all: it is the consequence of having made a fool of one’s self.”
Tom frowned.
“Ah, I don’t like people talking about consequences. That is the talk of
cowards.”
His father laughed.
“Never mind me, Tom,” he said; “I don’t expect you to agree with me. I
am a vicious coward, am I not?”
“What I mean is, that you can make the best or the worst of a bad job,”
said Tom. “When people talk of consequences, they seem to mean the
worst consequences. When a man has made a mistake, it is stupid of him
to sit down and say, ‘Well, that is done; now for the consequences.’
There is almost always a choice of consequences.”
“Very often there are no consequences,” remarked his father. “I don’t
think I ever did anything which had any consequences. But then, I never
remember doing anything either, except making some money. When are you
going to marry, Tom?” he asked suddenly.
Tom looked startled.
“When I fall in love, I suppose,” he said roundly.
“That’s a man’s answer. Well, my boy, I’m going to bed. You go to
Cambridge to-morrow, don’t you? Are you going to do well in your
Tripos?”
“I should think it’s very unlikely,” said Tom. “It seems that I’m a
fool.”
“That’s no reason why you shouldn’t do well.”
“Then it seems that I’m the wrong sort of fool.”
Mr. Carlingford lighted his candle.
“That is very likely. Don’t trouble to do well on my account. I really
don’t care the least what you do.”
“I shan’t trouble to do well on my own,” said Tom, laughing. “We had
better prepare for failure.”
It was very evident in the course of the next term that Tom was
extremely unlikely to do well on anybody’s account. The wine of his
passion had begun to ferment in his brain, and he lounged his mornings
away sometimes in the cast museum, sometimes in his room over a bushel
of sculptor’s clay. At other times he had fits of complete idleness. He
would get up late, perhaps go to a lecture, then stroll up to the
tennis court, and play till lunch-time. In the afternoon he would play
football, and sit talking over tea till Hall time, and after Hall play
whist till bed-time. Markham, who was busy writing a dissertation for
his Fellowship, had not time to look after him at all, and those in
authority gave him up as a bad job. Tom regarded his own position as an
excellent example of a man determining the consequences of his acts.
“I haven’t done any work for weeks,” he said to Markham one day, “and I
ought to be in hot water. As a matter of fact, I am not, because I make
up for it by cordially agreeing with all that they say to me, and never
being out after twelve.”
“Don’t you think you are behaving rather idiotically?” asked Markham.
“You seem to be rather proud of doing no work. It’s very easy; any one
can do it.”
“Yes, I know it’s very easy,” said Tom, who was in an exasperating mood,
“that’s why I do it. At the same time, any one can’t do it. You
couldn’t, for example.”
“I hope I should never wish to try.”
“My dear Ted, you are incapable of wishing to try. It isn’t in you. It’s
not so easy to be idle--though I said it was just now, because I wanted
to make you angry--you must have a great deal to think about in order to
be idle. If you don’t do something, you must be something, and that
requires thought.”
“May I ask what you are being just now?”
“You shouldn’t interrupt, Ted. I was going to say that of course there
are some people, who neither do or are anything, but they are idiots.
I’m not that sort of idiot myself; just now I am being an artist.”
“I don’t doubt it, but what reason have I for believing it?”
“Oh, none at all,” said Tom, “but you asked me. I am meditating. I shall
do the better for this some day.”
Markham made an impatient movement in his chair.
“Excuse my saying that I want to go on with my work.”
Tom laughed.
“Poor, dear old Ted, how you must loathe me! You can’t understand my
doing nothing any more than I can understand your doing so much. Is your
work of such vital importance? What does it all come to?”
“You’ve asked that before,” remarked Ted.
“Yes, and you’ve never answered it. I can understand a man doing
archæology; there’s some human interest in that. I like to know what
sort of earrings the Greek women used to wear. Oh, Ted, do you know the
sepulchral reliefs from Athens? there’s a cast of one in the Museum.
It’s wonderful. I shall do one to you when you die.”
“I wish you would go to your room, and get on with it.”
“Is the deliberative subjunctive going to kill you so soon as that?
Well, I’ve often warned you. Good-bye, Teddy. You’re not sociable this
morning.”
Tom departed, whistling loudly, and out of tune.
The Fellowship elections took place in March, and as the days drew near,
Markham, finding himself unable to work, and fretting because he could
not, very wisely determined to go away from Cambridge for the last week,
having made Tom promise to telegraph the result to him. Tom was just
returning from the telegraph office, having performed what was a
thoroughly pleasing and satisfactory duty, and was crossing the court in
the gathering dusk, when he saw a figure standing on the path near the
Hall, where the announcement was posted. A sociable curiosity made him
tack off a little and see who it was, and to his astonishment he found
Markham standing there.
“Why, Teddy, I’ve just telegraphed to you!” he cried.
Markham turned round to him.
“Quick! tell me quick!” he said.
“You may walk across the grass,” said Tom solemnly; this being one of
the Fellows’ privileges “And you may set to work to become a fossil as
soon as you please. Well, I congratulate you, I suppose, though I’m not
sure it’s the best thing for you.”
Markham caught hold of Tom’s arm.
“I think,” he said, very slowly and deliberately, “I think I’ve been
making a fool of myself. This morning I found I couldn’t stop away, and
I came back about a quarter of an hour ago. Since then I have been
standing here, not daring to go in and see. Tom, I’m going to chapel.”
It was two or three days after this that the two were walking down to
the Pitt on Sunday evening. On their way they passed one of the
mission-rooms in the town, and the street was almost blocked by a crowd
all trying to get in. Tom, who was never so happy as in a mass of
surging humanity, insisted on mingling with them and seeing what was
going on. Markham tried to dissuade him, but failed, and after a good
deal of pushing he succeeded in getting inside.
It was a Revivalist meeting full to overflowing; the room was hung with
flaring banners, lit with blazing gas-standards, and warm condensed
moisture shone on the walls. Tom looked with wonder and slight disgust
towards the platform, where a short, stumpy man with a chin beard was
addressing the people. He was describing his own conversion, which
transformed him, according to his own account, from a swindling
greengrocer into one of the saved. This happy change had also been
accompanied with a great improvement in the greengrocery business.
Instead of giving short weight and being always in debt, he took to
giving full measure and speedily opened an account at a savings bank. He
also mentioned that he became a teetotaler at the same time, though the
more obvious connection between this fact and the incident of the
savings bank did not seem to occur either to him or to his audience. All
these sumptuous results were a direct effect of grace.
Tom listened for some minutes with amusement struggling with disgust,
until the preacher in a sudden burst of gratitude gave out a hymn of
the most militant order, and packed solidly with concrete images of
abstract ideas. A young woman in a large poke bonnet was busy thrusting
hymn-books into the hands of the congregation, and gave one to Tom. The
band struck up a tune expressive of the liveliest devotion, and the
congregation joined at the top of their voices.
They were in the middle of the second verse, when a sudden stir ran
through the crowd, and from the middle of the hall there ran up to the
platform a young woman, smartly--over-smartly--dressed, who burst into a
loud fit of hysterical crying, and cried out that she was saved. The
hymn was stopped at once, and the preacher led her aside while the
congregation waited. In a few moments he led her back to the front of
the platform, and gave out another hymn:--
“There were ninety-and-nine that safely lay.”
Tom’s sense of amusement was gone--a frown gathered on his forehead.
What on earth did it all mean? It was clear what sort of a girl it was
who had “stormed the gate of Heaven,” as the preacher expressed it--he
had often noticed her in the streets--and now she was--what? How was she
suddenly different from what she was before? Had her previous life been
blotted out? What was the change, what did it mean? It could have been
no easy thing to make an exhibition of one’s self like that; and where
was the driving power? He began to be almost afraid. And before the hymn
was finished the same thing happened again, this time to an elderly,
respectable-looking man, who delivered a short speech to the
congregation with tears streaming down his face. There was some strange
force abroad, and Tom did not like it at all. He was desperately afraid
of making a fool of himself, and he remembered his father’s warnings,
though they were delivered in a very different sense. The vulgarity, the
loudness of the whole proceedings were still very present to him, but he
felt that he was in the presence of some force, hysterical perhaps, or
perhaps only that force which does exist in enthusiastic crowds, of the
nature of which he was absolutely ignorant. For aught he knew it might
lay its hands on him next. So he resorted to the most obvious way out of
it, and pushing through the crowd, he left the room.
Late that night he strolled into Markham’s room, as the latter was just
thinking that it was time to go to bed, and proceeded to deliver himself
of his impressions at length.
“It made me confoundedly uncomfortable,” he commented, after giving a
full account of what had taken place. “I didn’t half like it, Teddy; I
never saw anything like it before, and it was so much more real than I
expected. What do you suppose that girl felt, or that man either? How
can the singing of a hymn change the whole moral character? It must be
hysterical. That’s why I went away; I was afraid of becoming hysterical
too. Think how flat one would feel the next morning. And oh! the awful
commonness of it all. The elect greengrocer was the scrubbiest sort of
brute. Fancy announcing publicly that you were saved! Surely, that is
the one thing in the world one would be reticent about. What does it all
mean, Teddy?”
Markham felt the natural reserve which almost all young men feel in
talking of such subjects, and Tom’s sudden curiosity about it surprised
him. It was like Tom to mix with any crowd to see what was going
forward, but it was so unlike him to have waited a single moment after
seeing what it was, that Ted had waited in the street for him, expecting
him to appear again every moment, and had eventually gone on to the
Pitt, in a puzzled frame of mind.
“I don’t exactly know, Tom,” he said, after a pause. “I believe that
that sort of conversion, as they call it, often has permanent effects. I
think it quite conceivable that the greengrocer will continue to give
full measure.”
“But about the savings bank!” burst out Tom; “how can that have anything
to do with it?”
“You would put it differently, of course: you would say, ‘Honesty is the
best policy.’”
“Possibly I should. At any rate, if one can account intelligibly for a
thing it is better to do so, than to try to account for it
fallaciously.”
Markham frowned.
“We’ve never talked of this kind of thing before,” he said tentatively.
“I haven’t the remotest idea what your religion is, or, indeed, if
you’ve got any.”
“That’s exactly what I’ve been thinking to myself all the evening,”
remarked Tom. “I don’t know myself; I was only conscious that I felt no
kind of sympathy with those people. I was amused and disgusted, and
then I was frightened.”
“I wish you had stopped,” said Markham, suddenly.
“Why on earth? Do you really think it would have done me any good to
have been suddenly ‘taken’ as those people were? I suppose you will say
I am a Pharisee--but what good would it have done me? What should I not
do that I do now, or what should I do that I do not do? Early chapels, I
suppose----”
“Ah, don’t!” said Markham, with sudden earnestness. “Those things may
mean nothing to you, but they do to others--and among others to me.”
Tom stared in perplexity.
“To you--do you believe in that sort of conversion? Do you think that
something can happen to you suddenly like that which changes you?”
“I can’t help believing it. How can I say that such things do not
happen? I stake my life on such possibilities.”
“The whole thing seems so irrational to me,” said Tom. “In anything
else, a man’s life is not changed by a little thing of that sort. And
then the banking account----”
“Well, take an instance in your own line,” said Markham. “Can’t you
imagine a modern artist who looks at a Raphael for the first time
becoming a convert to that style of art?”
“That’s quite different,” said Tom. “These people have probably been
brought up in these beliefs; the idea is not a new one to them. No doubt
it came home with more force at such a moment. It is like a man who had
been looking at Raphaels all his life, and caring nothing for them,
being suddenly convinced by one of them. That doesn’t seem to me
likely.”
“You may be right, I can’t say, for you know more of the subject than I.
But what right have you to say that a thing doesn’t seem likely in a
matter of which, as you said, you know nothing?”
“That’s true,” said Tom, “I do know nothing of it. But who does?”
“The probability is, that people who have thought about it know more
than those who haven’t.”
Tom got up, and began to walk up and down the room.
“Well, I want to know, but how can I? If I didn’t feel an interest in
it, I shouldn’t have come to talk about it. But I am altogether at sea.
I wasn’t brought up in a religious household. My father never speaks of
such things. At school I had to read the Bible, chiefly the Acts, like
any other school lesson. I was confirmed as a matter of course. If you
are not religiously minded, how can you become religious? If a man is
not literary, you don’t expect him to feel any interest in books.”
“But it’s a defect that he doesn’t.”
“Yes, because he naturally moves among people who do,” said Tom, “and he
necessarily feels out of it. But though you move among religious people
you don’t feel out of it, because their religion does not come into
their lives. I suppose you would call my father an Atheist, but you
wouldn’t know it, unless you inferred it from the fact that he doesn’t
go to church on Sundays, and that we don’t have family prayers. How is
it possible for me to feel such things? Perhaps--you see I never knew my
mother, she died when I was a baby----”
“Were you not brought up to believe anything?”
“My nurse taught me to say my prayers. On cold evenings I used to ask if
I might say them in bed, and I always got dropped on for it. It was
considered a form of profanity. I never understood why. And when the age
for nurses ceased, my prayers ceased also. I want to know where the
difference between me and religious people comes in. A large number of
religious people lose their tempers oftener than I do, because I was
born with a better temper than they. You read of clergymen being
convicted of theft. I never was, because I never stole anything.
Gentlemen don’t do such things. It seems to me that we both agree with a
certain code of morality for different reasons.”
“Did it never occur to you to wonder why you existed, or how you
existed, or what was the object of your existence at all?”
Tom looked at him straight in the face.
“No, never. What good would it do me to puzzle my head about such things
even if it had occurred to me? Here I am; how or why I have no means of
telling. But I mean to make other people know why I existed; one can’t
do more than that. I am going to be an artist.”
Markham felt the hopelessness of making Tom understand. It was like
describing colours to a blind man; for himself he had been brought up in
a childlike faith, and he was childlike still. His life had been
sheltered, nursed in traditions, and when it was transplanted to the
outer air, it was a sapling capable of striking roots, and standing by
itself. It had never known what the drenching showers of autumn, or the
winds of winter were, till it was capable, not exactly of despising
them, but of being unconscious of them. If Tom was blind, he was blind,
too, in another sense.
There was a long silence. Tom had halted in his walk by the
chimney-piece, and was poking a paper spill down his pipe stem. Markham
was sitting at the table, puzzled and helpless. It was a couple of
minutes perhaps before Tom spoke. Then he spoke decidedly.
“I’m not going to bother about it,” he said. “I don’t understand what it
all means, but I don’t understand what most things mean. If it is a big
thing, you may be sure that there are many ways of getting at it. One
man can’t see all the way round a big thing. You are at one side of it,
Ted, perhaps I am nowhere; but then, again, I may be at the other side
of it. I may be meant to come to it by roads you can never guess of. If
I am meant to know it, I shall know it some time. By-the-by, we play
tennis at ten to-morrow.”
“You’ve got a lecture at ten,” said Markham.
“Many things may happen at ten,” said Tom “but the probability is in
favour of only one thing happening. I don’t think the lecture has
supreme rights. However, if it has, you won’t get a game.”
“Oh, but you promised you’d play!” said Markham unwisely.
“I can’t go back on that,” said Tom. “I never promised to go to a
lecture. You shall give me breakfast at nine--or perhaps a little after
nine. Let’s call it nine-ish.”