JOHN HENRY'S BURGLAR.
When finally I located Bunch and told him the bitter truth he acted
like a zee-zee boy in a Wheel House.
Laugh! Say! he just threw out his chest and cackled a solo that
fairly bit its way through my anatomy.
Every once in a white he'd give me the red-faced glare and
snicker, "Oh, you mark! You Cincherine! You to the seltzer
bottle--fizz!--fizz! The only and original Wheeze Puller, not!
You're all right--backwards!"
Then he'd throw his ears back and let a chortle out of his
thirst-teaser that made the neighborhood jump sideways and rubber
for a cop.
"What are you going to do?" he asked me when presently his face
grew too tired to hold any more wrinkles.
[Illustration: Uncle Peter--the Original Trust Tamer.]
"Give me the count," I sighed; 'I'm down and out."
"Have you no plan at all?" inquired Bunch.
"Plan, nothing," I said; "every time I try to think of a plan my
brain gets bashful and hides. There's nothing in my noddle now but
a headache."
"Well," said Bunch, "I'll throw a wire at my sister and tell her
not to move out to Jiggersville until day after to-morrow. In the
mean time we'll have to get a crowbar and pry your family circle
loose from my premises. Nothing doing in the ghost business, eh?"
"Nothing," I answered, mournfully; "I couldn't coax a shiver."
"A fire wouldn't do, would it?" Bunch suggested, thoughtfully.
"It wouldn't do for you, unless you are aces with the insurance
Indians," I answered.
"We-o-o-u-w!" yelled Bunch, "I have it--burglars!"
"Burglars!" I repeated, mechanically.
"Sure! it's a pipe!" Bunch went on with enthusiasm. "You will play
Spike Hennessy and I'll be Gumshoe Charlie. We'll disguise
ourselves with whiskers and break into the house about 2 o'clock in
the morning. We'll arouse the sleeping inmates, shoot our
bullet-holders in the ceiling once or twice and hand them enough
excitement to make them gallop back to town on the first train. Do
you follow me, eh, what?"
"Not me, Bunch," I shook my head sadly. "Nix on the burgle for
yours truly. I must take the next train back to the woods.
Otherwise wee wifey may suspect something and begin to pass me out
the zero language. But I like the burglar idea. Couldn't you do
it as a monologue?"
"What! all by my lonesome?" cried Bunch. "Say! John, doesn't that
sound like making me work a trifle too hard to get my own goods
back ?"
I sighed and looked as helpless as a nut under the hammer.
Bunch laughed again. "Oh, very well," he said, "I see I'm the only
life-saver on duty so I'll do a single specialty and pull you out
of the pickle bottle."
I grasped my rescuer's hand and shook it warmly in silence.
"Leave a front window open," Bunch directed, "and somewhere around
two o'clock I'll squeeze through."
"I'll have it worked up good and proper," I said, eagerly. "I'll
throw out dark hints all the evening and have the bunch ready to
quiver when the crash comes. As soon as I hear your signal I'll
rush bravely down stairs and you shoot the ceiling. I'll give you
a struggle and chase you outside. Then I'll run you down behind
the barn. There, free from observation, you can shoot a couple of
holes in my coat so that I can produce evidence of a fierce fight,
and then you to the tall timber. I'll crawl breathlessly back to
my palpitating household, and, displaying my wounded coat, declare
everything off. I'll refuse to live any longer in a house where
murder and sudden death occupy the spare room. It looks to me like
a cinchalorum, Bunch, a regular cinchalorum!"
"It sounds good," Bunch acquiesced, "and I'll give you an imitation
of the best little amateur cracksman that ever swung a jimmy. I'll
take a late train out and hang around till it's time to ring the
curtain up. By the way, are there any revolvers on the premises?"
"Not a gun," I answered, "not even an ice-pick. Uncle Peter won't
show fight. All he'll show will be a blonde night gown cutting
across lots to beat the breeze. Aunt Martha will climb to the
attic, Clara J. will be busy doing a scream solo, and Tacks will
crawl under the bed and pull the bed after him. There'll be no
interference, Bunch; it's easy money!"
With this complete understanding we parted and I hustled back to
Jiggersville.
I found the family still delirious with delight with the exception
of Clara J. whose enthusiasm had been dampened by my sudden
departure.
My reappearance brought her back to earth, however, and in the
presence of so many new excitements she didn't even question me
with regard to my City trip.
As the evening wore on my nervousness increased and I began to
wonder if Bunch would really turn the trick or give me the loud
snicker and leave me flat.
I had gone too far now to confess everything to Clara J. She'd
never forgive me.
If I told her the facts in the case the long Arctic Winter Night
would set in, and I'd be playing an icicle on the window frame.
I felt as lonely as a coal scuttle during the strike.
About six o'clock Uncle Peter waded into the sitting room, flushed
and happy as a school boy. "I've just left the garden," he
chuckled.
"No, you haven't," I said, glancing at his shoes; "you've brought
most of it in here with you."
I never touched him. The old gentleman sat down in a loud rocker
and began to tell me a lot of things I didn't want to hear. Uncle
Peter always intersperses his remarks on current topics with bits
of parboiled philosophy that make one want to get up and drive him
through the carpet with a tack hammer. When it comes to wise saws
and proverbial stunts Uncle Peter has Solomon backed up in the
corner.
"John," he said, "this country life is great. Early to bed and
early to rise makes a man's stomach digest mince pies--how's that?
Notice the air out here? How pure and fresh and bracing! You
ought to go out and run a mile, John!"
"I'd like to run ten miles," I answered, truthfully.
"Exercise, that's the essence of life, my boy!" he continued. "I
firmly believe I could run five miles to-day without straining a
muscle."
I laughed internally and thought of the glorious opportunity he'd
have before the morning broke.
"You may or may not know, John," the old gentleman kept on, "that I
was a remarkably fine swordsman in my younger days. Parry, thrust,
cut, slash--heigho! those were the times. And, to tell you the
truth, I'm still able to hold my own with the sword or pistol. I
found a sword hanging on the wall in the hall to-day and I've been
practising a few swings."
A vision of Uncle Peter running a rusty sword into the interior
department of the disguised and disgusted Bunch rose before me, but
I blew it away with a laugh.
"He laughs best who laughs in his sleeve," chuckled the old party.
"Now that we're out in the country all of us should learn to handle
a sword or a pistol. It gives us self reliance. It's very
different from living in the city, I tell you. A tramp in the
lock-up is worth two in the kitchen. I shot at a mark for an hour
to-day."
"What with?" I gasped.
"With a bow and arrow I bought for Tacks yesterday directly I
learned we were coming to the country. I hit the bull's eye five
out of six times. An ounce of prevention is worth two hundred
pounds of policemen, you know. Tacks practised, too, and drove an
arrow through a strange man's overalls and was chased half a mile
for his skill in marksmanship, but, as I said before, the exercise
will do him good."
"Where do you keep this bow and arrow?" I inquired, with a studied
assumption of carelessness.
"To-night I'll keep it under my pillow. _Honi soit qui oncle
Pierre_, which means, evil be to him who monkeys with Uncle Peter,"
he said, solemnly. "To-morrow I'm going to town to buy a bull dog
revolver, maybe a bull dog _and_ a revolver, for a dog in the
manger is the noblest Roman of them all."
I could see poor Bunch scooting across the lawn with a bunch of
arrows in his ramparts and Uncle Peter behind, prodding his citadel
with a carving knife.
I began to get a hunch that our plan of campaign was threatened
with an attack of busy Uncle Peter, and I had just about decided to
remove his door key and lock the old man up in his room when Clara
J. came in to announce dinner.
Aunt Martha and Clara J. had collaborated on the dinner and it was
a success. Uncle Peter said so, and his appetite is one of those
brave fighting machines that never says die till every plate is
clean.
I was so nervous I couldn't eat a bite, but I pleaded a toothache,
so they all gave me the sympathetic stare and passed me up.
We went to bed early and I rehearsed mentally the stage business
for the drama about to be enacted when Bunch crept through the
picket lines.
About midnight a dog in the neighborhood began to hurl forth a
series of the most distressing bow-bows I ever heard. I arose, put
up the window and looked out.
I saw a tall man with a bunch of whiskers on his face flying across
the lot pursued by a black-and-tan pup, which snapped eagerly at
the man's heels and seemed determined to eat him up if ever the
runner stopped long enough.
I felt in my bones that the one in the lead was Bunch, and I sighed
deeply and went back to bed.
I must have dropped into an uneasy sleep for Clara J. was tapping
me on the arm when I started up and asked the answer.
"There's somebody in the house," she whispered, not a bit
frightened, to my surprise and dismay, "Maybe it's only the ghost
you told us about--what a lark!"
"Somebody in the house," I muttered, going on the stage blindly to
play my part; "and there isn't a gun in the castle."
"Yes there is," she answered, joyfully, I fancied; "mother brought
father's revolver over yesterday and made me put it in my satchel.
She said we would feel safer at night with it in the house. Do let
me shoot him; I can aim straight, indeed I can! Why, John, what
makes you tremble so?"
"I'm not trembling, you goose!" I snarled; "I can't find my shoes,
that's all. Doggone if I'm going to live in a joint like this with
ghosts and burglars all over the place."
Just then an alarming yell ascended from the regions below,
followed by a crash and a series of the most picturesque,
sulphur-lined oaths that mortal man ever gave vent to.
It was Bunch. His trademark was on every word. I could recognize
his brimstone vocabulary with my eyes shut.
But what dire fate had befallen him? Surely, not even an amateur
cracksman would give himself and the whole snap away unless the
provocation was great.
Lights began to appear all over the house. Aunt Martha in a weird
makeup came out of her room screaming, "What is it? What is it?"
followed by Uncle Peter and his trusty bow and arrow.
I began to pray. It was all over. A rosewood casket for Bunch.
Me for the Morgue.
Just as I was ready to rush down to investigate, Tacks came
bounding up the stairs, two steps at a time, clad only in his
nightie.
_Up the stairs_, mind you! The nerve of that kid!
"Gi'me the prize, sister!" he yelled; "I caught the ghost! I
caught him!"
"What do you mean?" I said, shaking him.
Tacks grinned from ear to ear. "You know they's a trap door in the
hall so's to get down in the cellar and it ain't finished yet, so
this evening I took the door up and laid heavy paper on it so's if
the ghost walked on it he'd go through and he did, and I get the
prize, don't I, sister?"
I rushed down to the scene of the explosion, followed by my excited
household.
Leaning over the yawning cellar trap door I yelled, "Who's down
there?"
"Oh! you go to hell!" came back the voice of the disgusted Bunch,
whereupon Aunt Martha almost fainted, while Uncle Peter loaded his
bow and arrow and prepared to sell his life dearly.
Great Scott! what a situation! The man who owned the house nursing
his bruises in the muddy cellar while the bunch of interlopers
above him clamored for his life.
While I puzzled my dizzy think-factory for a way out of the dilemma
there came a terrific knock at the door and Tacks promptly opened
it.
"Have you got him? Have you got him?" inquired the elongated and
cadaverous specimen of humanity who burst into the hall and stared
at us.
"I seen him early this evening a'hangin' around these here premises
and I ups and chases him twicet, but the skunk outrun me," the
newcomer gurgled, as he excitedly swung a policeman's billy the
size of a fence rail.
"Then I seen the lights here and says I, 'they has him'! Perduce
the maleyfactor till I trot him to the lock-up!" and with this the
minion of the law rolled up his sleeves and prepared for action.
"I presume you are the chief of police?" inquired Uncle Peter, with
an affable smile.
"I'm all the police they is and my name is Harmony Diggs, and
they's no buggular livin' can get out'n my clutches oncet I gits
these boys on him," the visitor shouted, waving an antiquated pair
of handcuffs excitedly in the air.
Tacks watched him open-mouthed. That boy was having the time of
his life and it would have pleased me immeasurably to paddle him to
sleep with Harmony's night stick.
"I caught him!" Tacks cried in exultant tones when the village
copper looked his way; "he's down there."
"Down there, eh?" snorted the country Sherlock, getting on his
knees and peering into the depths, but just then Bunch handed him a
handful of hard mud which located temporarily over Harmony's left
eye and put his optic on the blink.
With the other eye, however, Mr. Diggs caught a glimpse of a step
ladder, which he immediately lowered through the trap, and drawing
a murderous looking revolver from his pocket, commanded Bunch to
come up or be shot.
Bunch decided to come up. I didn't hold the watch on him, but I
figure it took him about seven-sixteenths of a second to make the
decision.
As the criminal slowly emerged from the cellar the spectators stood
back, spellbound and breathless; Aunt Martha with a long tin dipper
raised in an attitude of defense, and Uncle Peter with the bow and
arrow ready for instant use.
These war-like precautions were unnecessary, however. Bunch was a
sight. His clothing had accumulated all the mud in the unfinished
cellar and his false whiskers were skewed around, giving his face
the expression of a prize gorilla.
Bunch looked at me reproachfully, but never opened his head. Say!
if ever there was a dead game sport, Bunch Jefferson is the answer.
He didn't even whimper when the village Hawkshaw snapped the
bracelets on his wrist and said, "Come on, Mr. Buggular! This
here's a fine night's work for everybody in this neighborhood
because you've been a source of pesterment around here for six
months. If you don't get ten years, Mr. Buggular, then I ain't no
guess maker. Come along; goodnight to you, one and all; that there
boy that catched this buggular ought to get rewarded nice!"
"He will be," I said mentally, as Mr. Diggs led the suffering Bunch
away to the Bastile.
"I've got to see that villain landed in a cell," I said to Clara J.
as the door closed on the victor and vanquished.
"Do, John!" she answered; "but don't be too hard on the poor
fellow. You can't tell what temptations may have led him astray.
I certainly am disappointed for I was sure it was the ghost.
Anyway, the burglar had whiskers like the ghost's, didn't he?"
I didn't stop to reply, but grabbing my coat rushed away to
formulate some plan to get Bunch out of hock.