I AM TEMPTED AGAIN--MY PRIDE IS ROUSED, AND MY COURSE OF LIFE IS CHANGED
IN CONSEQUENCE.
I passed a dreaming restless night, and woke early. I recalled all that
had passed, and I felt very much dissatisfied with myself; the fifteen
shillings, with the added prospect of receiving more, did not yield me
the satisfaction I had anticipated. From what the men had said about
old Nanny I thought that I would go and see her; and why? because I
wished support against my own convictions. If I had not been actuated
by such a feeling I should, as usual, have gone to old Anderson. When I
went down to breakfast I felt confused, and I hardly dared to meet the
clear bright eye of my little sister, and I wished the fifteen shillings
out of my pocket. That I might appear to her and my mother as if I were
not guilty, I swaggered; my sister was surprised, and my mother
justifiably angry. As soon as breakfast was over, I hastened to old
Nanny's.
"Well, Jack," said she, "what brings you here so early?"
"Why, mother, I was desired to ask you a question last night--between
ourselves."
"Well, why don't you ask it, since it's between ourselves?" replied she,
with surprise.
"Some of the people want to know if you _fence_ now?"
"Jack," said old Nanny, harshly, "who asked you that question, and how
did you fall into their company? Tell me directly; I will know."
"Why, mother, is there any harm in it?" replied I, confused and holding
down my head.
"Harm in it! Ask your own conscience, Jack, whether there's harm in it.
Why do you not look me in the face like an honest boy? Would they have
dared to put that question to you, if you had not been a party to their
evil deeds, Jack?" continued she, shaking her head. "I thought better
of you; now you have filled me full of sorrow."
I was smitten to the heart at this rebuke from a quarter whence I did
not expect it; but my heart was still rebellious, and I would not
acknowledge what I felt. I thought to turn the tables, and replied,
"Why, mother, at all events they say that _once_ you were a real good
one."
"Is it indeed gone so far?" replied she. "Poor boy! poor boy! Yes,
Jack, to my shame be it spoken, I once did receive things and buy them
when they were not honestly come by, and now I'm rebuked by a child.
But, Jack, I was almost mad then; I had that which would have turned any
one's brain--I was reckless, wretched; but I don't do so any more. Even
now I am a poor sinful wretch--I know it; but I'm not so crazy as I was
then. I have done so, Jack, more's the shame for me, and I wish I could
recall it; but, Jack, we can't recall the past. Oh that we could!"
Here old Nanny pressed her hands to her temples, and for some time was
silent. At last she continued, "Why did I love you, Jack?--Because you
were honest. Why did I lend you money--I, an old miserly wretch, who
have been made to dote on money; I, who have never spent a shilling for
my own comfort for these ten years?--But because you were honest. Why
have I longed the whole day to see you, and have cared only for you?--
Because I thought you honest; Jack. I don't care how soon I die now. I
thought the world too bad to live in; you made me think better of it.
Oh! Jack, Jack, how has this come to pass? How long have you known
these bad people?"
"Why, mother," replied I, much affected, "only last night."
"Only last night? Tell me all about it; tell the truth, dear boy, do."